You can try, but you’ll never really succeed in reasoning with a narcissist. The moment you think you’ve cracked the code, they will remind you that you’re not in charge.
It’s a hard reality for victims, and I totally get it. You want to be able to have a conversation with them, and show them the error of their ways.
If they could just understand the ways their refusals to reason affect you and the relationship.
You’re fighting a losing battle, for sure. Here are 5 reasons why you just cannot reason with a narcissist. I hope it’s the wake up call you need.
#1 They’re always right
There’s no doubt about it. The narcissist is always right. And although I am not a narcissist, I’m actually right about this.
I can’t spell it out clearly enough for you.
The. Narcissist. Is. Always. Right.
In their world, no other opinion comes close to their own, and no other way of doing anything does either. You have to agree, or ship out of their way.
Reasoning with a narcissist will be impossible for this very reason. Imagine trying to reason with perfection (or what they perceive to be perfection). It’s just not possible.
They want things done their way, in their time, and to a standard they deem the best.
I’d say reasoning with that level of ignorance and narrow-mindedness is a sure fire way of failing before you’ve even taken off.
You’re never going to convince a narcissist they’re wrong, even if you presented them with a book full of evidence. All they will do is pick it up and throw it on a fire.
#2 They hate your facts
Your facts are as worthless as they think you are. In fact, the narcissist will go to extremes to convince you that your facts are all in your imagination, even if you have them right there on hand.
Gaslighting is a common way for a narcissist to refuse to reason with you. They will hate that you saw what you saw or read what you read, and will convince you that it was all a dream.
I think you’re going crazy.
You really need to think about the stories you tell yourself.
I honestly never had you down for a storyteller, or a liar, but it seems that you’re both.
And you stand there, head in your hands. How can this be happening?
Your facts to them are a threat, and that’s the only reality you need to know.
#3 They deny your facts
It’s a dangerous game to start denying somebody of their reality. You’ve got to be so sure of yourself and incredibly toxic to be okay with pulling this off, and that’s exactly what a narcissist is.
Victims’ accounts of gaslighting have been incredibly disturbing to me over the years.
Everything from making the victim go to therapy for her ‘imagination’, to threatening physical violence if another victim dares try to speak up again, and all in between.
Your facts come from a palace of truth, right? They’re either formed from something you’ve seen or read or experienced.
You hold onto them because they form your reality, and they lay deep in your memory of what’s happened.
When you need to take that all forward to the narcissist and hand it to them, you expect them to be shocked they made you feel that way, or created that scenario.
Instead, they throw it all back at you.
What are you even talking about?
Why would you make stuff up?
How can you sit there and honestly tell me this is what I did?
I think you’re unwell or something. You need to get help.
That did not happen, and you know it.
Like I said, dangerous.
#4 They don’t want you to win this
If you successfully reason with a narcissist ,then it means you’ve taken the conversation you’ve had and gotten some kind of control over it.
You’ve asserted yourself (which they hate anyway), and taken them down a moral peg or two.
They’ve had to admit what they don’t want to admit, but they did it because you were so good at levelling with them and reasoning with them.
Not allowed, I repeat, not allowed.
Don’t even try to imagine what this feels like, because you’ll only be let down.
The conversation won’t end that way, although you can try to make it start like that. You won’t get far, as they will see what you’re trying to do and put a wedge in.
They don’t want you to win at anything.
That statement goes far beyond the one time you want to reason with them.
It also extends to life. Your job, your popularity, your compassion, your fitness levels, what you choose to do with your spare time, how you spend your money; it’s endless.
#5 Their image is on the line
Giving you the win when it comes to reasoning with them will – in their eyes – see their image totally tank.
For you, you won’t even think about that. After all, what is an image? We are who we are, right? We don’t live to impress everybody else.
We don’t live to look perfect, we live to be human. We make mistakes, we apologize for them, we carry on with our lives.
This isn’t so much the case for the narcissist, who is obsessed with ensuring you are at their beck and call, and if it doesn’t suit, they will choose their own image over reasoning with you every single time.
I can’t stress that enough. There will never be a time that you will be the priority of the narcissist, no matter how badly you want that.
Sadly when it comes to their image, they think it’s unbreakable. When you come along trying to gain some kind of upper hand (where it’s due), they will see you as a direct threat to everything they’ve built up around them.
Knowing that will help you whenever you’re met with the brick wall that is their attitude during times you need to have that talk with them.
When to walk away
Listen, there’s a big part of me that wants to tell you to walk away when you’re being abused, but that’s just a part of why and when you should do that.
You don’t have to be abused to decide it’s time to walk away. You can feel that you are not enough in your relationship.
You can feel like you’re losing yourself to somebody who just doesn’t appreciate you. You can feel like you want more. You can feel like you just want you back.
All of those are valid reasons as to why you might decide to leave, and those are good enough reasons to do so.
Walking away is never easy, but it has to be met with a level of self-compassion. Knowing you deserve better, even if that means being on your own.
You will never reason with a narcissist, and staying to try to prove yourself wrong will be the worst thing you can do for yourself.
