It’s often known that the hardest part of narcissistic abuse is being in it. Being there every single day, and being treated terribly.
I agree with that – it can be devastating.
What about what comes after the relationship has ended? What has the entire process taught you about yourself? What fears derive from surviving narcissistic abuse?
I want to be able to tell you that it will all be okay, but before I do (and I promise I will), I need you to know some of those common fears.
I believe they will help you through those difficult days and teach you things about yourself you never knew.
Surviving – It’s A Big Thing!
Any survivor of narcissistic abuse gets a huge high five from me. It’s huge for anybody to be able to stand up and say, “I got through that.”
And no, it’s never easy. Nothing like this ever is.
But…
You are doing it. You’ve come this far.
You should be proud of yourself.
You should also think about what you’re fearful of in this new dawn of your next chapter. I say that because I know nothing is ever straightforward, and emotions can get tangled up in the past.
There are common fears for survivors – but these are fairly normal to have.
5 Fears That Are Common in Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
Let’s take a look at the 5 most common fears.
Do you resonate with any, I wonder?
#1 Being Alone
Narcissists make their victims believe that they are not going to survive on their own. Now, some narcissists are overt enough to say that directly to their victim. They will glady spell it out:
Nobody else could possibly want you.
Looks like you’re stuck with me.
You wouldn’t make it on your own.
And others? Well, the more covert in the narcissist world will do just about enough to make their victim think these things.
They will do this by cutting them off from their friends and family.
Narcissists will also drain every ounce of self-esteem from their victims, pushing them further and further away from being able to do anything for themselves. That includes the hobbies they used to enjoy, and generally being more independent in thought and action.
When a relationship ends, and that victim has a chance to live a brand new life, they commonly struggle with initially being alone.
They’ve been stripped of being able to think, feel or act for themselves. They were programmed to need the narcissist, and now they feel they have nobody.
#2 The Fear of the Narcissist Dying
Moving on slightly from the previous point – the victim actually secretly fears the narcissist dying.
There are a few reasons for this, and I’ll start with the most obvious.
Having to grieve twice.
Grieving somebody still alive is something all narcissistic abuse survivors have to do. When you part ways, you’re parting with the idealized view of them you had and wished would come true.
You’re parting with somebody who could have been perfect for you, if only they realized their ways and changed to be a better person. You’re also grieving the time wasted trying to make it work, or hoping one day that it would.
The next is:
What will you do without them, knowing the cycle will never come back around again?
Narcissists keep your attention for them alive by constantly being on the cusp of inviting you back into their cycle of abuse.
You may not currently be talking, but soon enough, like usual, you will again. And when you do, it’ll be amazing. It’ll be perfect. It’ll be like the old days where you just loved and loved and laughed and laughed.
Except, when dead, that cycle is forced to break for good, and it’s really over.
Thirdly, there is the fear of never having the opportunity to say what you wanted to say to the narcissist.
There will never be an apology from them, or accountability. There will never be a word of regret uttered. You’ll never hear them again.
What you have to remember here is that these things would have all been impossible anyway, even if the narcissist was alive.
#3 The Fear You’ll Be Replaced
All that time they told you they loved you is now going to be applied to somebody else.
You feel completely fearful.
That’s it. They moved on. They already forgot about me.
Well – what if they did move on? I can assure you now that it’s not love. It’s simply another person to extract supply from.
And if they forgot about you, I want you to know how much of a good thing that is.
If you’re going to be replaced, the narcissist is going to be somebody else’s problem now.
It’s common to fear them moving on, but this isn’t a rejection. This is a celebration.
#4 The Fear of Their Anger
The narcissist’s anger is going to live with you for a long time. Not only are you going to remember well how they managed to intimidate you in those really vulnerable moments…
… You’re also going to hold onto those feelings and carry them with you. You’ll watch the moods of others, constantly comparing any conflict with that of your narcissist experience. You await, and anticipate. You’ll worry and fear the same patterns will re-emerge with anybody else you eventually meet and fall in love with.
For now, I feel you need to understand how taking it one day at a time is the best you can do.
Their anger, no matter how long ago you last saw it, is not your responsibility. It’s how they control and manipulate other people – namely you. Their emotional dysregulation is going to accompany them through the rest of their life.
It doesn’t need to be your weight to carry too.
#5 The Fear You’ll Lose Empathy
Empathy is something narcissists never have an ounce of.
Over time, you might think you’re going to end up losing it for yourself, too. Where you once cared, you no longer give a damn. Where you once put others first, you’re now all about you.
Narcissistic abuse does harden people up – but if you were born with empathy – it’s unlikely you’re going to lose that characteristic about yourself. It’s the foundation of who you are.
My Promise – As Promised!
Never one to go back on my word, I need you to know something.
If you’re going through a bad time right now, either with or without the narcissist, it will be okay.
Whether you’re struggling to find your identity, wondering how you will cope without them, wishing you never met them, trying to understand all of this in real time – there is a theme in all of these experiences.
It’s the theme of resilience. It’s now how strong you are, it’s how you deal with what you’ve been given.
Do I choose to give up, or do I choose to learn from what I’ve been through?
Is it too late to find myself?
Let me just say – it’s never too late. It’s never an option to give up when life is waiting for you on the other side of the abuse you encountered.
Meeting and falling for the wrong person doesn’t have to be where your story ends.
In fact – now you’ve survived the abuse – your story is just beginning.
