Over time, the amount of pieces you’ve given away to the narcissist has grown exponentially.
It’s gotten to the point where there are only parts of you left, as the narcissist has claimed much of your character.
You’ve thought if they had a part of you, that it will fix things, or make them see you how you want to be seen. You think, and want them to care, but it simply doesn’t work that way.
Narcissists don’t know how to connect and be vulnerable. All they’re interested in is consuming your joy, leaving you with nothing.
You have to stop giving these 4 things to the narcissist if you want to start seeing some of yourself return.
#1 Any Kind of Explanation
Do they deserve an explanation? I ask you that not because I assume you’ll say yes, but why you’d say yes.
If a thousand times prior to the most current explanation you’ve already explained yourself to no avail and nothing changes, what comes next?
It’s an interesting time, for sure. When you give a narcissist a reason why you did something or didn’t, you’re giving them all the opportunity to call you out on it and make you feel like some kind of idiot. They want to do this, they want you to slip up.
It’s not easy to lay your feelings out to somebody, in fact, I’d say it was a pretty vulnerable thing to do.
You know exactly how to stay and remain calm, and you put that across, and you’ve even tried all the different angles to take in your approach.
Does it make the blindest bit of difference? No. You get nowhere.
The narcissist turns your explanation into the biggest problem, and now:
You’re too sensitive
No, that didn’t happen, you’re just remembering it wrong
Why are you so obsessed with remembering things so wrongly?
Do you get a kick out of just making things up?
If you stop giving the narcissist your explanations, they will, over time, have to get used to the fact that they haven’t done a thing to earn it.
#2 Your Much Needed Reactions
Narcissists love emotions, even though they have no idea how to regulate their own. Watching you react is the best part of their day.
Think about all the times you’ve gone to them with a problem or a request, and it’s turned back on you as being the one with the problem. Now remember how you felt, and how those emotions over time shifted.
You started calm and collected, and you ended up:
- Begging
- Arguing back
- Snapping
- Yelling
- Crying
- Apologizing
You won’t gain from displaying these emotions; it will just be the narcissist who gets to feel good about themselves because they see the power they still have over controlling you.
It’s nothing you do wrong, you’re responding emotionally to an abusive person who has cornered you.
But you have to remember, every reaction the narcissist gets is much-needed.
It makes them feel relevant. In truth, your emotions are real, and they deserve to have a space, but instead of helping you heal from them, the narcissist will feed off them gladly.
#3 Your Future
A big one for so many: your future. And you know what? It should be a big one for everybody, because your future is so important, and I can say that confidently without knowing any of you personally. It’s your future! Why wouldn’t it matter?
All the while you stick with the narcissist and assume they’re good for you, you’re losing that future to their abuse.
It will consist of uncertainty, and tears. It will contain a loss of self-worth, and memories that you’d wish you could forget.
You’ll spend it chasing the idea of a perfect relationship, but never actually achieving it.
The narcissist is so good at making you believe in a version of them that doesn’t exist with any consistency, only sporadic moments of positivity in an otherwise well of darkness. That’s not how you should want to live.
The beginning? I’m sure it felt amazing, and that was the aim of the narcissist: you give you a false impression and sense of security.
But when that wears off (and it will have done quickly), you will have realized that what’s left – the pain and trauma – is all your future will look like.
You gave them your everything, and all the narcissist did was take advantage.
You had plans and hopes, but they were turned to dust. That cycle will have locked you in tight, and made you chase a dream that never arrived.
It’s not easy to admit to, but in knowing, you can start to see the depths of what they took from you, and how confused that will have made you feel. You aren’t foolish, you’re human. You saw the good in somebody because that’s the version they showed you, but it wasn’t real.
Knowing changes everything. So your future can be returned to you, with a promise you make to yourself that you’ll never give it up for the charm of a narcissist ever again.
#4 Your Belief in Their Words About You
When a narcissist tells you something, good or bad, you have to question why they’re using those particular words.
You’re so good at cooking. (Later, I will act surprised when the dish you cook is terrible)
I love your hair the way it is (If you change it, I won’t like you)
You’re so needy (You’re asking a question that I’m not comfortable answering)
You’ll never amount to anything (You’re very talented, and I am threatened by your potential, so I need you to stay small)
Do you see what I did? Nothing can ever just be good, or wholesome, even though you are good. Narcissists fire out phrases in ways that they can weaponize against you later, and that’s all there is to it.
The problem begins when you believe. You believe you made an error in your cooking. You believe you’ll never amount to anything.
This is really rocky terrain to walk on, because you’re insisting that you live your life in accordance with what the narcissist says to you.
Don’t. I beg of you. Don’t.
Give Them This Instead
If you stop giving a narcissist all of the above, what’s left is the reality:
You give them nothing.
No reactions. No future. No explanations. Don’t believe what they say.
You have to be a version of you that you’d fight for to keep alive. Just when victims need themselves the most, is right where they abandon.
You’ve got to trust that you’re here for a good reason, and that that reason is to heal and give yourself a future that looks bright and hopeful.
Give the narcissist nothing, and they will have nothing to steal from you. Show them that they don’t affect you in a way they once did.
Prove to them that you’re your own person, and you have belief in what you are good at and hope to achieve.
And then, before you know it, the narcissist will lose a significant amount of interest in you.
