I naturally get a lot of messages about narcissistic partners, but lately more and more of you have been jumping online to tell me about your narcissistic friends.
With that in mind, it’s only right to look at these 4 signs you have a narcissist in your friend group, and how it can not just affect you, but the whole dynamic.
Don’t think for one moment it’ll be any easier, just as a head’s up…
#1 That age old charm
That one friend who is the most alluring, charming and makes a strong impression.
The kind of friend where the atmosphere shifts entirely the second they walk into the room.
You don’t think it’s for the better or worse as such, but it’s always like it could change at any moment.
The charm is there, but it’s big enough to almost be fake. You love to live life authentically, but it lacks when this one friend in particular is around.
You’ve heard their sweet tone before, and you know that sometimes it can mean they are being sarcastic.
You never know how to interpret the charm, because there’s something about it that doesn’t settle with you. A little bit like a rose with a thorn.
Narcissistic friends are different to narcissistic partners in the sense that you assume they’re going to be forever.
They will be there before, and they will be there after. You want to build a support system with them, but it can prove difficult if one is being disingenuous.
#2 Seeds of doubt planted
A narcissistic friend won’t hesitate to plant seeds of doubt if it suits them.
They love to discuss other friends behind their back, which should be the strongest warning sign that you too, are spoken about.
Have you noticed she seems to not care as much as she used to?
What is with her lately?
I don’t understand the moods, if I’m honest.
I think there’s been an attitude shift since we last caught up last week. It seems to be directed at you.
Every comment can and will be thrown from a level of triangulation and separation known to the narcissistic friend as concern.
While you’re busy just trying to keep the levels of drama down, the ‘friend’ is shaping how others see you, or your other friends.
Why? Simply because they can, and because they thrive on watching what happens next.
Nobody is exempt, and I think that can be a real sign that the narcissistic friend has control of how everybody feels, and what they think of each other.
Soon enough, you could fall out with another friend just because of something your toxic chum mentioned to one of you.
#3 Playing the victim
Which leads me to point 3; how they can truly end up playing the victim in a situation they created.
This is a real characteristic of all narcissists, not just your friends. They love making everybody believe they’re the least likely to be the villain in the story.
Innocence is not their middle name, but their job is to convince everybody else that it is, and it’s the same in friendship circles.
Expect your narcissistic friend to spin stories to make you look like the aggressor.
If you ‘ve got a group of friends, they can be really good at doing this behind your back and to the right people at the right time.
You’ll never really know what may be said half the time, especially if the other friend decides to not speak to you about it and instead just change their attitude or trust toward you.
And I get it. Victims can sit and question themselves. “What did I do wrong?
They’ve been so quiet lately. I try to call and get no answer. They’re not responding to me on the group chat. When I call round, they don’t answer the door.”
The narcissist will sit back and shrug. They won’t know what you’re talking about, and claim to have not heard a thing.
The innocence on their face will be astonishing and right there, you’ll not even suspect the narcissist had anything at all to do with the problem.
But when it does eventually come about, boy, are they going to throw themselves into the victim corner.
I was just trying to see what the issue was.
I try my best to be a good friend.
Why are you accusing me, you know how much I love you guys.
I don’t remember saying anything nasty, it’s not in me to be that way.
I thought you guys trusted me, now you’ve broken that connection.
Do we all need to pause for a second to try to see who can find the world’s smallest violin?
#4 Isolation
When a narcissist friend tries to control you, they will attempt to isolate you.
Their version of events will always be the right one, and people will disagree with you.
Friends may start to distance themselves from you as they’re told half truths or outright lies.
They won’t want to be involved in any drama, so they may start canceling plans.
The problem you have is that you’ll never really know the extent of the gossip about you if the narcissist chooses to target you in their secret chats.
You won’t know what to defend yourself from if they’re being sly and speaking under the radar.
Narcissists love to be the glue, and in taking control of the dynamics and pulling you and your other friends like puppets on a string, they will feel like they’re orchestrating the entire circle.
Naturally friends will want to pick sides, and that’s where you may ultimately end up becoming stuck.
Narcissists are very persuasive. You don’t really stand a chance if you’re up against one unless you know how to handle the situation.
If you’ve got a friend who ticks these boxes, and where the common denominator of stress seems to be around them, then it’s likely you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Hard as it is to admit, you know there’s never going to be a normal time with you all.
It’s impossible to switch off the personality of a narcissist, but it is possible to know you can go anywhere and make the friends you want.
You can at least be open to knowing that you are able to shift a little and find friends who are more authentic, emotionally healthy and supportive.
You don’t need to hang around with anybody who makes you feel on edge, uncertain or stressed.
How you can break the hold they have
It’s important to challenge the dynamics in a calm way. Don’t react to your narcissistic friend, that’s exactly what they want.
If they see you’re that type of person, you will be accused of being the aggressor.
Instead, try widening your circle a little. Invest in a new class or club, and meet new people.
Always remember that the issue isn’t you. If you can do this, you will be free from their control.
It’s neer easy admitting a narcissist is in your mix, but it doesn’t mean you are trapped or bound by their games.
