If asked you right now what your fears were, what would you say to me?
Alexander, I really hate spiders.
I fear being alone.
I fear being abandoned and not loved by anybody.
I have a fear of flying.
Seems pretty easy, right? And most people, if self-aware and open enough, won’t mind delving into their fears with people willing to ask and engage.
What about asking a narcissist?
What do you fear the most?
Do you think they would tell you? Do you think they would elaborate?
Let’s find out.
Fear: An Insight
While narcissists may seem fearless, they’re not.
Who can be?
Narcissists (think they) were born to stand out from the crowd, and nothing scares them more than fading into the background.
They weren’t destined to not be noticed. They were born to shine, and born to be the center of everyone’s attention.
Healthy People and Fear
I think it’s safe to say the more emotionally regulated of us don’t care if we are the center of attention.
In fact, I’d personally rather not be. I like to blend in and chat with everybody. I like conversations to flow, and I like to listen as much as I like to talk.
Fears we have are usually more talked about and recognized. We like to maybe even work on them, or get help for them so they can no longer be fears of ours.
Imagine a narcissist getting help for a fear?!
Narcissists and Fear
Narcissists are so fragile, and you’d never really guess it to meet one. They seem so sure of themselves, like they have everything figured out.
This is a form of projection. They are projecting a version of themselves that they want you to know. So the next time you think of them, you think of all the traits you associate with them.
Confidence. Fun. Easy to talk to. Charming. Intelligent. Popular. Successful.
It’s easy to play a role when you’re cast as the main actor.
Fear becomes invisible. It’s not meant to be widely available to every person to see, because it needs to be hidden.
And narcissists hide it so well.
What Narcissists Will Never Tell You About Their Own Fears
There are some things you need to know about narcissists and their fears.
Let’s take a look.
#1 Specifically What They’re Scared Of
To know what specific fears a narcissist has will leave them wide open to potential criticism or exposure.
They will never tell you, because they prefer to keep it all under their outer shell of perfection.
What’s really going on underneath is a plethora of unhinged emotions that they prefer to keep private.
If it’s kept private, it will never become an outer, wider problem for them.
The narcissist’s stubborn side is a sure fire way to ensure nothing they want exposed will stay under wraps. So, being purposely non-specific is the best way to manage that.
#2 How Their Fears Make Them Feel
How they feel and what they show you are going to be two different things.
I’ll give you a few examples of how the narcissist’s fears make them really feel, and why these can be confusing for you.
- Angry. The narcissist hates feeling like they’re living in an out-of-control situation. If there’s ever the risk that somebody will catch on that they’re scared of something, they will want to reassert their ego by coming across as even more angry than usual. Then nobody will suspect!
- Worried. This is very deep down in the narcissist, but even so, it does sit there. They don’t like feeling or being worried, and as soon as it rises , they will cover it up. Those initial moments where the body and mind wants to do what it would usually do when you’re faced with your fear still exist though. They’re also worried you’ll see them looking scared.
- Fear? What fear? That’s right – they will completely ignore the fear. They won’t even admit to you that it exists, sooner wanting to push through it and pretend there’s no problem rather than show you the real fear behind it all.
- Leave Right Now. This is pretty funny when narcissists are faced with a fear. Suddenly and out of nowhere, the narcissist will excuse themselves from the situation, pretending that they need to be somewhere else, or need to find the bathroom, get a drink, they can’t make it; whatever it may be. They are getting out of there!
#3 How You Trigger Their Fears
Okay. To be clear – the narcissist isn’t going to stay with you because you trigger their fears. Your supply alone will outweigh how you can sometimes trigger them.
However, the fears will be there, and you will be triggering them bit by bit.
Let’s say you want a bit of a white wedding. You want the friends, the family, the cake, the dance, the doves – the works.
You want to declare your love, and you want everybody to share in your special day.
Massive fear unlocked for the narcissist. They tend to back away from love, but they’re all about the gesture.
For example, you’re far more likely to be taken out on a beautiful date by the narcissist, than have that intimate, post-intimacy, vulnerability talk with them.
What you want from this relationship is depth and substance.
What they want is totally different, and you totally trigger that within them.
Not that they will ever admit that!
#4 Why They Won’t Confront Their Fears
What fears? I don’t have any fears.
That’s the main problem with confronting any truth with a narcissist. The fears simply don’t exist.
They can’t confront what they refuse to see, and the reason for that is they don’t want to look weak. They want to continue that perfect image.
They’re working hard to maintain a character who is seen to be noble, and who has it all under control.
Instead of confronting their fears, they will do something to compensate for that lack of self-reflection, such as yelling at you a little bit louder.
They might buy a brand new car, or take that expensive vacation.
Their fear needs to disappear, and fast. Any kind of inner work involves looking within, and that’s not what they’re building this false persona on. Instead, they’re building it on lies.
So yes – those fears are pushed even further down. Both unwilling and unable to acknowledge what’s really going on underneath it all – they continue to live a life of denial.
And if you raise the topic and insinuate they are weak, you will be punished for that.
