When you have a narcissistic mother, you are living at her mercy from a young age.
If you could, you’d wish you had the strength to stand, but it’s out of your control.
Until one day, you fly at the speed of the light to a place where you can safely admit that your mom is a narcissist.
When that time comes, it will open wounds that have traumatized you, and it all starts with acknowledging she did these 3 things that ruptured your core.
#1 The perfect mother, but only to an audience
I wonder how aware you are that all narcissists put on a show.
If they could get away with it, they’d sell tickets and hire staff to show you to your seats, but that would be admitting there’s a show in the first place.
Seeings as narcissists are all capable of having kids, there will unfortunately be (quite literally) hundreds of thousands, if not millions of narcissistic moms currency gracing this earth.
If you’re an unlucky offspring of one, you will know how painful it is to have a mom that is only a mom by title, and not by action.
The version of themselves that narcissistic moms give off to the wider world is the one with the mask of charm firmly on.
They smile, and they even pretend to care. They love to socialize, and will often be seen being the most helpful or kind at an event, offering their time to support it or volunteer.
They know everybody, and everybody is their friend. As a result, you have to watch them show everybody a fake version of themselves that only you know as fake.
So you’ll look totally crazy if you spoke up and said something, wouldn’t you?
Another point I can’t ignore is…
That’s your mom. The one person you thought would be honest and kind to you because that’s what moms are supposed to be and do.
They wanted a kid, and they had you, and now you feel like an inconvenience in their life because they treat you like they don’t even like you.
I know there’s a lot of pain attached to that, and you aren’t alone for feeling it.
There are even more kids of narcissistic moms out there than there are narcissistic moms, so your army outweighs theirs.
Finding other people who can relate to you will really help you make sense of it all.
You know deep down that your mom is far from perfect. She is the cause of all your inner turmoil, and the reason you don’t trust anybody.
You spent years of your life trying to claw for any approval and validation from her that you possibly could, and it didn’t work.
Not because you failed, but because it was always going to be an impossible task.
But to the people she’s performing for?
They all think she’s amazing.
And that makes you sick to your stomach.
#2 If something bad happens to you or anybody she knows, it becomes all about her
This second point can work in a few different ways, but ultimately, they both form the same conclusion: Your narcissistic mom has to always make it about her.
Let’s look at the first point.
Imagine something in your life hasn’t gone to plan, and it’s known that you’ve messed up somehow.
You might have failed a test, or your relationship fell apart and you need to move back home temporarily until you can find a place.
In an ideal world, you’d have the support to help you get back on your feet, both mentally and emotionally.
Resilience is key when you suffer setbacks, and without knowing that you have to get up and try again, even if you feel defeated, you’re never really going to know how to move forward without being reminded of how much it hurt for things to not go to plan originally.
You can learn how to hold grudges, and be resentful of the fact that life isn’t working out how you’d planned.
But what does your life here have to do with your mom? Cue the second point… It becomes about her.
What you’re faced with, in the midst of potentially feeling pretty miserable, is your narcissistic mom telling the world what she thinks, and drawing herself into the bad thing that happened to you.
I tried my best to help her with the test.
God knows how much money I poured into his driving lessons.
I feel like no matter what I do, I just can’t quite seem to get my child to succeed.
I try to ignite that drive, but it seems to go unnoticed.
I don’t know where it all went wrong. I’m a good person.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink it.
I will just continue to work hard to provide for them like I always do.
If these comments are hard to read, it’s likely because they’re hitting close to home.
Your challenges become all about her, and not about how to help you overcome them.
Instead, you have to watch your mom sing from the rooftops about how hard she tries, making you in turn feel even worse about yourself than you did before.
#3 Framed: she sets you up to put you down
Narc mom: Remember those flapjacks you made last month? They were so delicious!
You: *Goes off to buy ingredients to make more flapjacks. Mom seemed happy – this is good! You get home and make them to perfection.*
Narc mom gets home from work: What’s all this mess?
You: I made those flapjacks you said you like.
Narc mom: And you haven’t even washed the dishes yet? How the hell am I supposed to yet again cook your dinner if the kitchen is a dump?
You: Well.. I’ve only just finished. I can do it…
Narc mom: Forget it. Go and do your homework and as per usual, I will keep the house in order.
Honestly, I don’t know how you got to be this messy and unbothered by the environment you live in.
Sound familiar?
Growing up would have meant there were countless times like this where you were set up to be purposely put down again.
You were led into these traps thinking you were doing something good to actually make them happy and smile, and be proud of you.
Heck, even show a little gratitude or pride toward you for initiating something.
But no.
It was never about the flapjacks. She knew you’d go out and make more, and she will eat them, but first off, she wanted to make sure you knew that you’d messed up along the way.
Not only that, but not give you a chance to rectify it.
So you’re messy. And you’re sloppy. And you don’t care if you live in a house full of dirty dishes.
And you never bother to tidy up after yourself. And you’re a general pain in the ass.
What sort of person wouldn’t grow up feeling traumatized by that?
This was never about you, it was always about the power your mom always wanted to have.
