Every day I hear more than one person about their experience of narcissistic abuse as a kid.

At the time of being a kid – they had no idea the abuse had a name. Why would you? At ten, even five years old – you aren’t going to know what narcissism is.

It’s thanks to places like The Narcissistic Life that you can learn what happened to you, and piece it all together.

Starting with these 17 signs.

You know, there are so many signs right here that I just need to dive right in and get started…

1. You Are a People Pleaser

People pleasing is the desperate need to make everybody else happy, no matter what it does to your own mental health.

As long as those around you are okay, you’re okay. This is because you learned at an early age that your feelings don’t matter, and that you have to work to ensure other people’s happiness.

I’m here to tell you that this was never your responsibility.

2. You Find it Hard to Maintain Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships involve compromise and trust, and give and take, and the idea that nobody is out to ask for your love on condition.

If healthy relationships were never modeled to you, how can you either find one, or be in one as an adult?

You will be more naturally drawn to wanting to fix people, or to try and change those who exhibit abusive traits. 

Your job isn’t to earn the love of somebody incapable, but to thrive in the love of somebody able to love you back.

3. Boundaries Are Difficult

Saying no, or putting your foot down when somebody oversteps is hard for you. You say things like, “Oh, that’s okay!”, or, “Hey, I know you mean well.”

Nobody who violates your boundaries means well, and it’s not okay. Narcissistic parents assume their role as parent automatically gives them a pass on your boundaries because you have to do as they say, but that’s not the case.

We all deserve respect. 

4. You’re Hypervigilant

Noises, feelings, and situations send your senses onto overload. You constantly look for what could go wrong or try to tap into what others are thinking. 

So many children have to try and question their environment day after day, and it’s not something they’re even consciously aware that they’re doing. 

What mood will daddy be in?

Is mommy going to speak to me today?

No child should have to feel this way, but of course, over the years, it leads to a hypervigilant state of being. 

5. You Doubt Yourself

Dealing with narcissistic abuse as a kid would have meant regular times where you would have doubted yourself, your abilities, your skills, your likes and dislikes; everything.

The root of this stems from the incessant criticism, mockery and ridicule you’d have received from your narcissistic parent.

Nothing you did was right or good enough, and now here you are, a grown adult and dipping into daily doubts.

6. You Fear Success as Much as You Fear Failure

Of course you do. You were never given the chance to succeed, and because your light was dimmed so much as a child, you fear the feeling of actually having it shine brightly. 

Potential success was taken from you as a child, because your narcissistic parent feared you being more successful than them. Lids are put on children, and that feels like failure. 

But the lid limits what you think you can achieve, and anything above that feels absolutely terrifying. 

7. You Feel Isolated

Narcissistic parents isolate their children in the following ways:

• They tell them that any family business should be kept inside the house and not spread around to people. This ensures no abuse is talked of, and can make children feel very alone.
• They pull you away from any true friends you make, or anybody they feel you’re getting ‘too close to’ to control you further.

So yes, as an adult, you struggle to talk or admit your problems, and you find it hard to make or maintain friendships. 

8. You Find it Hard Making Decisions

How can it be easy for any child of abuse as an adult to make decisions easily?

You’re probably used to all decisions being made for you, and if you dared try to do it yourself, you will have been mocked or rejected. 

So now – here you are – an adult trying to think about your choices and how to make the right one.

This is where the self-doubt I talked about likes to awaken.

9. You Self-Sabotage

Why not ruin something that would eventually get ruined anyway, right?

You’re so used to everything going wrong, or happiness being so short-lived that you may as well make a dent in it and abandon any hope that you can prove yourself – and your past – wrong. 

10. You Don’t Know Who You Are

Loss of identity starts at a young age, but children of narcissistic abuse go through all those vital years of change and hormones, never really knowing who they are.

Instead, all their efforts are to try to conform to who their parents want them to be. 

As an adult – you feel lost, and you don’t really know where to place your values or beliefs. 

11. Anxiety

It goes without saying that anybody who has experience having a parent – somebody who is supposed to love and care – be abusive will cause anxiety.

Not knowing what kind of mood they will be in.

Never feeling good enough.

Being gaslighted as a kid where you know no better.

Loss of identity.

It’s all going to stir up fear and worry.

12. Depression

No surprises that it leads to depression in a lot of adult children of narcissists.

You’re grieving for a parent you never had, who is still alive.

You’re sad for all the loving moments that never occurred.

You’re sad for yourself, being put through all of that so young.

13. Feeling on Edge Constantly For No Reason

It’s what you were accustomed to feeling, after all, no day was the same.

Narcissists’ moods fluctuate quickly, and children aren’t supposed to understand that.

You wonder what you are going to do wrong next, or worry that you aren’t showing up as the right kind of person, and it’s all down to that parent. 

14. To Trust, or Not To Trust?

If you can’t trust a parent, how can you trust anybody else? The first people you learn from are your caregivers, so if they let you down, there’s so much you need to learn yourself. And trust is a hard one. 

15. You Gaslight Yourself

It’s easy to convince yourself that you don’t feel a certain way, or need something from life if you’ve constantly had your reality ripped from you.

So yes, adults tend to gaslight themselves and ignore what’s really going on.

 16. You Put Everybody Before Yourself

Everybody comes first because that’s how you were taught to treat that parent in the past. 

As long as I can make them happy, that’s all that matters. 

If they can be happy, I will feel better than I helped them.

It was never your responsibility to show up and be the parent. 

People pleasing leaves you always coming last.

17.  You Disassociate

Zoning out and not being in the moment, or when it comes to close relationships, is your automatic way to try and be safe.

It’s what you would have done as a child, because you felt better pulled away from reality. 

This lingers into adulthood and is a huge sign you dealt with narcissistic abuse as a kid. 

You’re Shocked to See Where Narcissists Really End Up!

Narcissists just seem to annoyingly have it all, don’t they? 

You might think to yourself, “How do they get away with so much?”

Well, honestly, it’s because they’re experts at playing the game they wrote.

It can all change though, dear reader. And indeed – it does.

Where the narcissist ends up is going to shock you, and make you realize just how one moment can alter everything.

Narcissists: The Perfect Life

It’s the perfect painted picture, isn’t it? Narcissists want to be perfect, and they try very hard to ensure that image is kept up, no matter what.

They will make out like nothing is their fault. They want to be hard workers, so people know just how seriously they take their responsibilities.

They love to honor themselves by providing the best material goods you can think of. They want that nice car, big house, fancy clothes, and the latest phone.

On paper, they have it all. They project the perfect life to the world, so that world sees them as perfect. 

What Do You Think?

Of course, we know they aren’t perfect – far from it, in fact!

There’s a part of some people who are really familiar with narcissists who know the trajectory ahead.

Before I get to that point though, I want you to think of one narcissist that you know. They might be a family member, a friend, somebody you work with, or even your spouse. 

Once you have them locked firmly in your mind, I want you to think about how they are right now.

Are they more impossible than usual? Maybe they have a past of always getting what they want, and just being extremely lucky. 

They have good health. They have great contacts. They live in a nice house that you wish you owned. They don’t seem to rattle many cages, and they’re well respected both personally and professionally. 

It’s all unfair, isn’t it? Especially when you know who they really are.

Without You..

This is the worst part – the part you know and are familiar with…

…Narcissists are nothing without you. They build their entire egotistical empire on making you feel the worst you’ve ever felt, and that’s what causes them to exceed even their own expectations.

But as soon as you throw a spanner in the works – as soon as the dynamics shift in any way, the narcissist’s mask and character begin to crumble.

They realize they cannot function without knowing they can openly abuse you at any moment.

They want it to continue for as long as possible, but they know it can’t because you’ve gone, left, or figured out who they are.

You’ve discovered the truth. 

And That Is Why They Need You

They can’t play their game unless you sign up for it, and when you walk away, the game is officially over. 

You have to remember this, friends, because it’s what is going to get you through your worst days with the narcissist:

They truly need you more than you need them.

You’ve been programmed to believe you need them and cannot survive without them, but that simply isn’t the case. 

The reality is that they can only do what they do because they have an open door to it.

When you shut that door, everything changes.

The Downfall

The downfall is almost immediate but not necessarily obvious to all. 

You’ll notice a withdrawal. The narcissist is temporarily at a loss. Yes, they can move onto their next victim, but what if they have run out of people to manipulate? 

What if there is no charm left in their charm bucket?

It’s easy to notice narcissists look lost when they don’t know how to operate the people around them to their advantage. 

They’ve used up all their options, and now it’s time to watch the demise. 

…Even The Deterioration!

I have had conversations in the past with people I’ve met or know about their narcissistic parent. 

When they were younger, the parent thrived knowing they could power play their children and spouse.

Work was busy and they were always trying to produce ways to make everybody around them feel small.

As they aged, so did their character.

It became harder to manipulate children who were suddenly adults, with more power to hold a thought, opinion, or goal they wanted to achieve. 

They feel lost, and try to claw control wherever they can. Often that can look like lashing out, or trying to triangulate wherever possible.

They play on their age, with phrases like:

I used to be so much fitter than I am now.

I’m getting older. Nobody understands or sees me.

I’m poorly. Nobody helps me.

I wish I could turn the clock back.

It’s really as if they’re playing their own sad violin song, isn’t it? You almost want to roll your eyes because you know they’re playing on their age.

Aging is actually a privilege not everybody gets to experience, and that’s something worth remembering. 

The problem with narcissists is how they use their age like it’s some kind of mental incapacitation. 

They’re still very able to be narcissists. 

They just fool less people.

Going Nowhere: Fast

The narcissist is declining! 

It’s fast-moving – and I have to say that if you think it’s enjoyable – you wouldn’t be the first person with that opinion. 

Finally, the day comes when not everything goes their way. 

People get fed up with them blowing hot and cold.

There’s a shift in how they feel they deserve to be treated.

They understand the correlation between feeling negative and being around the narcissist.

They start to want to achieve goals for themselves and understand the narcissist is the one who holds them back.

Life starts wanting to be lived, and all the while those people are growing into theirs, the narcissists are shrinking.

Narcissistic abuse is only possible when you consciously or subconsciously give yourself up to the narcissist. 

If you start to put yourself first, the narcissist has no choice. 

And no – they don’t like it – but guess what…

…It’s not up to them.

There’s Never a Happy Ending

When it comes to narcissists, they never have a happy ending. They are infamous for becoming more and more impossible in older age.

Their stubbornness becomes almost petulant. 

They crave being able to control the people they once did.

Their grudges are bigger than ever. 

They understand that they are not the person they once were.

Narcissists end up miserable, sad and lonely. They always were, but these emotions become more prominent as they age. 

They never start caring, nor do they regret how they have acted.

It would be your mistake to assume they ever will, or do.

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives then have meaning, just as they feel they should every day.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.