At times, the desire to leave the narcissist will no doubt be palpable in all hearts of their victims.
You want this nightmare to be over. You want the most behind you. You want to move on.
So why do we not see sharp numbers leave these toxic people? Why aren’t there more survivors?
Because narcissists are so good at making it practically impossible to leave, with these 14 scary tactics.
#1 Intimidation
I think it’s fair to say that all abusers are intimidating in some way or another, isn’t it?
Whether that be commanding respect at all times, implementing various, harsh rules that you have to live by, or exhibiting behavior that makes you feel the need to only obey.
Intimidation works for narcissists. You get to see a side of them you wouldn’t like to invoke if you were ever to say you wanted to leave, and so you remain in the relationship.
This is far easier than the consequences if you did go.
#2 Threats
When all-out threats enter the relationship, you know there’s direct trouble brewing.
It’s the proof you need that you’re in a situation that is abusive, even if all the other red flags of the past have passed you by.
If you leave, I will find you.
If you leave, I will hurt myself.
If you leave, I will make sure to take the house with me.
It’s enough to frighten anybody, and if you are trauma bonded to your abuser, you won’t want to either see them hurt, or see them follow through with their promises.
This can get pretty serious pretty quickly, so it’s always good to have somebody you can trust to talk to.
#3 Telling you that you won’t be able to cope without them
I find this to be a cruel way to make somebody stay in a relationship that’s unhealthy.
Not only do they tell their victims, they also convince them that they won’t be able to cope without them.
Over time, as that confidence gets knocked out of them, the self-worth falls to an all-time-low, and the isolation that inevitably follows; victims will believe this about their future.
For them, it’s easier to stay and be unhappy, than leave and risk not being able to cope at all.
#4 Cutting your finances
When you have no money, you have no way of living a life outside of the relationship you’ve become stuck in.
Money will come from the narcissist, and they will provide a roof over your head.
Sadly, alongside that, they will also provide you with every guilt trip imaginable because you’re now dependent on them.
Without proper finances, it’s a lot harder to leave and live alone, and the narcissist is aware of that.
That’s why when you look at your bank statement, you don’t see much.
#5 Telling you to leave your job
Leave your job, you don’t need it.
I earn enough for the both of us.
While that may be, you don’t see that money come to you, and you have to ask before you spend even a dollar.
Your job is your financial lifeline. When you leave it, you leave money you could have to set your own life up.
#6 Isolating you from family and friends
When you’re cut away from family and friends, you’re cut away from support.
Without their support, their love, their encouragement and advice, you’ve only got the narcissist to turn to…
…The one person you shouldn’t trust.
#7 Saying sorry when it suits them
They never seem to apologize until you’re about ready to get up and leave.
Where’s the fairness in that? You’d be surprised how effective this is for victims though, who are waiting to hear that word.
As soon as they do, everything feels immediately better.
Sorry as a word therefore, becomes a weapon, not an offer of peace and a sign of a person taking accountability.
#8 Fake promises
I can’t wait to marry you someday.
I promise we can go next weekend.
If you stay, I swear I will change.
I promise to be better. I don’t want to lose you.
Don’t buy any of it. These are words. We must judge people based on their actions, not their choice of words.
Too many victims believe these lies because they offer hope and change.
But nothing positive ever materializes.
#9 Hoovering and love-bombing right when you need it
Their ‘love and affection’ comes right as you feel like giving up. Right when you’ve had enough of the cycle, and as you’re desperate to know how much you still mean to them.
A little breadcrumb here, a tiny fragment there.
As long as it’s just enough to keep you happy, that’s all they care about.
#11 They break your trust, so you think everybody can’t be trusted
All it takes for a person to become faithless in trust is to be treated like they have by a narcissist.
They break your trust, so you feel the whole world is full of bad people set out to personally cause you pain.
That’s not true. Don’t live a life of solitude just because you met the wrong person once.
Your only option doesn’t have to be to stay with the person you feel you can trust the most – the narcissist. There are much better ways to live.
#12 They make you feel sad and helpless
People who feel sad and helpless don’t necessarily feel strong, and they certainly don’t feel like life and love are worth fighting for.
Being scared into never leaving them can look like abuse that results in these feelings for you, so you think, “What’s the point? I might as well just stay.”
You feel you don’t deserve more, but you do.
Start believing it.
#13 They drain you – mentally, physically and emotionally
When everything has been rinsed from you, there’s really not much point in arguing with anybody, is there?
Your energy sources are depleted, all hope has gone, and you just don’t want to make any changes that risk you being alone.
Yes, folks. Even those who are miserable with their abuser are convinced that it’s better to be that way with someone, than without.
The cause is the abuser.
#14 Anxious and depressed? “It’s your fault!”
Hey! Don’t blame me! I’m just the narcissist looking for somebody to take advantage of!
If you’re down and depressed, that’s not my problem.
Convincing you that your deteriorating all-round health is your problem is separate from how they treat you will leave you never really piecing that jigsaw together.
You will never see the common denominator if you’re constantly being told that you feel the way you do due to your own fault.
The moment you see this as a lie, you will know it’s time to leave. Until then, it will be what keeps you from moving on.
Remaining stuck won’t miraculously make you feel any better, either.
You have to get to a point where you put yourself first, only then does the picture become so much clearer.
You’re worth the fight.
