Having children with a narcissist will never be easy. I don’t think it matters if you’re together or apart; you will still have some kind of fight on your hands.
That fight can be made much better by at least being able to save your kids from the manipulation of your narcissistic ex.
I’ve got 13 ways to do that right here, with each one proven to be effective.
#1 Teach them boundaries as early as possible
One of the surest ways to be able to save your kids from any narcissist, namely your ex, is to educate them on what boundaries are.
I don’t just mean showing them that it’s okay to stick to your guns, I mean really drilling it in their minds that strength only comes when you refuse to give up your morals to another person.
Boundaries turn any narcissist into panicky blobs of jelly, and they soon learn who they can manipulate and who will never allow it.
Help your kids be the latter.
#2 Show them that ‘NO’ is included – even if that’s all they learn
‘No’ is probably the best boundary to start with, even if that’s all they can master.
Too many people for far too long have refused to believe that ‘no’ is a full sentence, but with your help, your kids can understand that it is.
If they aren’t happy, they’re allowed to say no. If they don’t like a certain behavior, they can say no. If they’re asked to do something they don’t like, they can say no.
#3 Encourage them to be unapologetically themselves
When it comes to narcissists, they will zone in and ruin the personalities and characters of people who tend to over-apologize, and who would rather give up pieces of themselves as opposed to being true to who they are.
If you can encourage your children to be themselves, I assure you there will be no problem with their continued growth over the years.
It’s those kinds of people who are sure of what they like, don’t like, and want, who will go the furthest in life.
#4 Teach them to ask questions
Questions lead to answers, and even when something doesn’t feel right, questions will open up opportunities to talk about that.
Good questions can include:
Don’t you want to play?
Why are you only happy with me when I do something good?
Little questions like this can seem so innocent, but they rock the narcissist’s world and prevent them from thinking they’ve got a person who they can say or do what they like to.
#5 Help them discover what a ‘gut feeling’ is
Gut feelings should never be ignored, and if you are going to teach your kids anything, it should be to never ignore what’s going on inside.
I think it’s a great way to help children grow up to tune into themselves and trust what’s going on, rather than rely on the empty and twisted words of an abuser, whoever that abuser may be.
Remember, good habits form good relationships not just with a parent, but with all those you meet on your path.
#6 Continue to show up as the best version of you that you can be
It might not seem like a big ask, but if you can become consciously aware that the best version of yourself is the version your children need, then everything else will fall into place.
And I know, we can’t always be perfect, and some days aren’t going to be great, but that’s the human side of things.
The general side of parenting is that you try, and you work on yourself as much as you work on making them be good, resilient, confident little people.
#7 Don’t let them see that your ex gets to you
It can be tricky to keep the narcissist out of your emotions around them, but if I can offer you a tip, it would be to try your hardest.
Kids don’t want conflict in their lives, they want consistency and regulation.
That includes your emotions, because let me tell you, emotions can be so powerful if you let them take over.
#8 But do show them healthy examples
Healthy examples of showing your emotions can be how you deal with what comes up for you.
If that annoyance is there, it’s okay to go take some time to deal with it privately and tell them you need a nice bath, or to go for a walk.
How we deal with any kind of emotion will be presented to our kids, and they remember everything.
#9 Build their resilience
When things don’t go their way, it’s not about telling them to give up and try something else.
It can be about saying, “You know what? You can take some time to reflect, but don’t stand still for too long.”
Resilience isn’t how many times we keep trying, it’s about building what we need to make it work the next time without assuming we can’t.
#10 Teach them to always go for what they want
They’re not going to get any of this from your narcissistic ex, and this one is probably top of that list.
Go for what you want because it lights up a spark in you. Go for it because it drives a passion, or complements your purpose.
Narcissists will stop this wherever they can, so it’s up to you to keep pushing them to chase their dreams.
#11 Encourage them to show all emotions
Good, bad, happy, sad, up, down, calm, excited; all emotions matter. There isn’t a single bad one, even though narcissists will happily paint that picture.
So try to teach your children that it’s okay to feel how they feel, as long as they can find ways to move around the more challenging ones and learn from them, that’s the aim.
#12 Never put a lid on their happiness
Ceilings are meant to keep us dry, not shelter us from opportunity and self-belief.
Narcissists will put lids on people’s happiness, and that includes their (your) kids, too.
If you want to prevent it, or at least fight it, be the opposite. Show your kids that the world is their oyster, and that they can go out into it and live it to the max.
Be happy, and scream with joy when you want to. Dance to your favorite song, be bubbling and sizzling with excitement at Christmas – that is how you model uncapped happiness.
#13 “Your reality is real”
A big one! Narcissists will gaslight who they can, when they can, and if you aren’t careful, your kids will be majorly affected by this.
It’s a great tip to save your kids by teaching them not to believe anybody else’s version of events, and to rely solely on what they know to be true, and remember.
At least that way, you can be assured their opinions won’t be swayed by your narcissistic ex, after all, you know from experience who toxic that can be.
Your children’s reality is theirs alone, and nobody should be messing with it.
