13 Reasons She has a Boyfriend but Flirts With You

Last Updated on August 5, 2021 by Alexander Burgemeester

You’ve met a really nice girl, she has a boyfriend but flirts with you. If you are attracted to her, these mixed signals can be exciting and disheartening all at the same time. 

Exciting because she’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a woman, in fact, you think she’s too good for you which adds to the excitement. 

But disheartening because now you’re in a dilemma since she’s flirting with you even though she’s a girl with a boyfriend. So how will you be able to trust her if you do finally get together? 

And what if her partner finds out that his girlfriend is flirting with someone else? Now, you’ve got drama to deal with. On the other hand, there are some women who might not be flirting with you at all, they’re just friendly.

So before you go jumping to conclusions, you need to know whether this lady is actually flirting with you. To start, lets take a look at the definition of flirting. 

Is She Really Flirting With You?

Just so you’re clear, flirting is playfully letting someone know you are romantically interested in them. Some women might want to hide the fact that they’re crushing on you, but no matter how hard they try, there are some obvious signs that will let you know how she really feels.

It’s also important to mention that not all women will flirt in the same way (with or without a boyfriend), but in general, the following behavior will indicate that she’s flirting with you:

She’s Always Looking at You

Do you look up from your desk and catch her staring at you? When you’re in a group setting, does she pay more attention to you than anyone else. When you catch her looking, does she quickly glance away? These are all signs that she’s interested in more than just a friendship.

She is always looking at you

Teasing You

If she’s smiling, laughing and being a bit sassy by gently making fun of something you’ve said or done, she’s flirting with you. 

Touching You

Not in an overtly sexual way, but she has a very hands-on approach during a conversation with you. When she finds something funny, or when she’s making a point, she’ll touch your arm.

She might come up behind you, rub your back and smile; or playfully tickle you because she knows you’re sensitive. 

Reading Suggestions:

Her Texting Habits

If she texts you random funny things like a silly picture, or tells you about something that happened in class. Maybe she texts you a random question like, “If you could choose a superpower, what would it be?” Texts of this nature mean she’s thinking about you.

Her Emoji’s

In this technological era we’re living in where we can easily express ourselves through the written word. Flirting has taken on a life of its own with the use of emojis. If she’s sending you hearts, kisses, hugs and blushing emoji’s, she’s definitely flirting with you. 

Her Body Language

Body language is very important when you are flirting with someone. Preening behaviors like straightening out clothes, or fixing hair increase when they like someone.

This is for two reasons, they want to look their best in front of the person they are attracted to, and to indirectly let the other person know that they deserve to see them looking at our best. Another way how girls use body language with flirting is with their feet.

If her feet are pointed towards you, she’s interested. Experts claim that our feet are the most honest parts of the body because they highlight our intentions. Whatever direction the feet point is where we want to be emotionally.

She Lets You Know

During a conversation, you notice that she’s not looking at your face, but at your chest area, or if she’s really bold, at your crutch area. Instead of quickly glancing away when she realizes you’ve caught her out, she lets her eyes linger before making eye contact with you again.

According to author of ‘Superflirt’ Tracy Cox, allowing someone to catch you checking out their body means they are trying to send you a flirtatious message because they want you to know. 

13 Reasons Why a Girl With a Boyfriend Will Flirt With you

It is a big compliment if someone is flirting with you and if you have read the signs above, you should have a good idea if she is really flirting with you.

Now that you know she has a boyfriend but flirts with you, here are 13 potential reasons why she could be trying to let you know she’s interested:

1. She is Keeping Her Options Open

We are living in a different era; back in the day, when you found someone you connect with, that was it, you took it further and built a beautiful relationship together.

Today, it’s become the norm for people to believe the grass is greener on the other side and so they keep their options open by flirting with other people. Traditionally, girls felt that men were the ones not wanting to commit to a relationship.

But, today, a lot more girls are keeping their options open even when they think they’ve found someone decent, states clinical instructor of psychology Dr. Megan Fleming

she is keeping her options open

The bad news is that if you are interested in her, you are probably going to get the run around for a while. She will keep playing cat and mouse with you just in case things don’t work out with her current boyfriend. If you want to hang around and be seen as an option, that’s up to you.

But if you are looking for a serious relationship, I wouldn’t advise it, because there is a high chance she will play the same game with you if you do eventually get together. If you’re still not convinced, here are a few signs she’s definitely keeping her options open:

1. You Are the Backup Plan

Does she always want to schedule things with you at the last minute? It could be because she had an argument with her boyfriend and wants some company.

Those random texts on a Saturday afternoon saying, “Wanna catch a movie? “I’m in the area.” Is evidence that you are an off-the-cuff thought and not someone she’s thinking about long term. If you were, she’d be making plans weeks in advance with you. 

Playing Hard to Get

The chase is always exciting for men; however, if there’s a limited chance of you enjoying the spoils, the game isn’t fun anymore.

But girls who are keeping their options open will have you jumping through hoops of fire, and barricading your way through obstacles until she decides she wants to get serious with the person she’s seeing, or make things work with you. 

Superficial Conversation

She wants to keep you on your toes, but she doesn’t want to get too close to prevent her situation from becoming too complicated.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Donald L. Cole states that if a girl isn’t trying to build an emotional connection with you by sharing her inner world, and talking about things that are personal to her such as her childhood, or the things that make her vulnerable.

If she’s not initiating in this type of conversation or avoiding conversations of this nature with you if you initiate it, she’s not trying to deepen her connection with you. 

Reading Suggestion: How to communicate with a man who won’t communicate?

She’s Expensive

Another tell-tale sign that she’s keeping her options open is that she wants to know how much you’re willing to spend on her.

She will drop hints about having difficulties paying her rent, talk about a designer handbag she really likes but can’t afford, and if you offer to take out to dinner, she will suggest the most expensive restaurant, or get offended when you take her somewhere that’s not up to her standard.

In a situation like this, the highest bidder wins, if you are willing to spend more money on her than her current partner, she’ll jump ship. 

2. She is an Attention Seeker

Attention-seeking behavior involves someone doing or saying things in order for people to focus on them. Examples include:

  • Fishing for compliments.
  • Embellishing and exaggerating stories to gain praise or sympathy.
  • Pretending not to be able to do something so that someone will help or teach them.
  • Being controversial to provoke a reaction
  • Always causing arguments

If your female friend exhibits these behaviors often, there is a high chance she is flirting with you because she needs constant attention, and not because she’s attracted to you.

The best way to handle this situation is to ignore her, attention-seeking is like an addiction, if she’s not getting it from you, she will go elsewhere to get her fix. 

she likes attention

3. She is Just Flirtatious

Some females are just really flirtatious, they are extroverts by nature and have friendly and outgoing personalities. She uses sexually charged language during banter, uses direct physical touch, and always looks good when she sees you.

It’s not because she fancies you, that’s how she acts around all men because she’s in touch with her feminine energy. Here are some things a naturally flirtatious woman does:

  • Smiles a lot and looks down shyly when speaking to you
  • Twirls her hair during conversation
  • Compliments you
  • Touches you playfully when you are talking
  • She moves closer to you by extending her legs, scooting closer by adjusting in her chair, leaning in to you

Flirtatious women are often looked at with suspicion by men and other women. When a boy or man is dating flirtatious girls, he assumes she’s sleeping with everyone. Other girls are intimidated by flirtatious females because they think they’ll try and sleep with their partner.

But the truth is, flirtatious girls are harmless, just don’t take it the wrong way. 

4. She Wants Her Boyfriend to Fight Over Her

Kid Rock and Tommy Lee had a punch up over former Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson at the MTV Video Music Awards. Brothers Nick and Aaron Carter came to blows when Nick found out that Aaron had been finessing his ex-girlfriend Paris Hilton.

And then there’s the infamous Jerry Springer show which is based on couples fighting over each other. According to researchers Timothy Ketelaar and Daniel Bambacorta from New Mexico State University, women feel empowered by the sight of two men fighting over them. They like the fact that they are capable of driving men to go to such lengths for them. 

For the men, they argue that it is connected to evolution, where men possess women, its about testosterone and spreading their seed. Paris Hilton had a field day with it and wrote a song about how exciting it was to have men fighting over her.

Sometimes a girl just loves drama, and they will do anything to get it including flirting with other guys to get a reaction out of her boyfriend.

She might take a selfie with you and post it on Instagram, or intentionally send it to her partners phone to start drama. Or, she will video call her partner when she’s with you to make her boyfriend jealous. Unless you are the type who enjoys fighting over women, I would sever this friendship immediately, or you might find yourself in a passion punch-up when you least expect it. 

she wants her boyfriend to fight over her

5. She Doesn’t Trust Her Boyfriend

Trust is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, and without it, love will never develop because one or both individuals have closed themselves off.

The last thing a woman wants is to dedicate herself to someone who she is never going to trust fully. There are several reasons why a woman might not trust a man, maybe he’s cheated in the past, or he’s lied about something important, or she might have the perfect boyfriend, but she’s got trust issues totally unrelated to the relationship.

Either way, she’s flirting because she doesn’t feel secure in her relationship, and is looking for validation elsewhere. 

6. She Finds You Attractive

It’s complicated” is a popular relationship status on social media profiles. A girl might have just met a guy, they’ve been on a couple of dates, and appear to be getting on really well.

The problem is that she’s met you and finds you attractive, and doesn’t know what to do about the guy she’s started dating.

The complication lies in the fact that she likes both of you, but because she doesn’t know where things are going with the person she’s dating, she’s confused. Her way of dealing with the dilemma is by flirting with you until she’s made up her mind about who she want’s to be with and decides to leave her boyfriend.  

7. You Have Something Her Boyfriend Doesn’t

Before a woman starts dating, she has an ideal type of man. Maybe he is good looking, funny, kind, adventurous and rich. However, after being single for some time, she desperately wants to settle down. She meets someone and he ticks most of the boxes, but not all of them.

He might have everything on her list apart from good looks. Instead of waiting for what she really wants, she settles for this guy because she feels that the perfect man isn’t out there so he will do.

The reason why she flirts with you is because you are the missing piece of the jigsaw for her. You don’t have the other qualities she is looking for in a man, but you are good looking. So anytime she’s around you, she experiences that chemistry she doesn’t have with her partner. 

8. She Had an Argument With Her Boyfriend

There is no such thing as the perfect relationship, and couples are going to get into arguments. However, some women deal with the emotional strain of an argument by flirting with other men.

A friend of mine has been married for 10 years, any time they get into a fight, she puts on a tight, short dress with heels, a full face of makeup, does her hair and goes out.

She won’t return until the early hours of the morning with her hair messed up, and her make-up smudged. She claims not to have cheated, and my friend is not sure whether he believes her. But she has done this since the beginning of their relationship and its how she deals with their arguments. 

Some women flirt with other guys after an argument because they are looking for reassurance and comfort. Disagreements can get pretty nasty, and maybe her boyfriend said something negative about her weight, or her appearance in general.

9. Her Boyfriend is Not Affectionate

A hug isn’t the only way to let someone know you’ve missed them, and you can show your partner you care with more than a kiss. But for some women, affection is very important in a relationship, and if they don’t get it, they feel neglected by their significant other.

Her love language might be physical touch, and his might be acts of service which means that he demonstrates his love through the things that he does for her. According to relationship psychologist Gary Chapman, when two people speak a different love language, it can cause problems in a relationship.

When one person feels unappreciated, they are going to look elsewhere for the validation they need even though she already has a boyfriend.

If your female friend is flirting with you by being overly affectionate, maybe she links arms with you when you go out, or sits close to you when you’re chilling at home, it could be because she isn’t get enough affection from her partner. 

her boyfriend is not affectionate

10. She is Flirting to No One, She’s Just Friendly

There is a big difference between a friendly and a flirtatious woman. Unfortunately, some men can’t tell the difference, and will assume that a female is flirting with them when she’s just being friendly.

For example, friendly women smile a lot, they are very talkative and can be affectionate. She might lean over and grab your hand when she gets excited about something during a conversation.

But she is not flirting but trying to be friends, and taking her friendliness the wrong way could get you into trouble. Here are some signs that you are definately in the friend zone:

She Dresses Down Around You

When you met, she may have been dressed up because she was going somewhere that required making the extra effort. However, now when she’s around you, she wears casual clothes, ties her hair up in a bun, and wears no make up.Not all women want to look good to impress a man, but when a female is flirting with you, she is going to do her best to appear attractive to you. 

She is Too Comfortable

A woman who is attracted to a man is very careful with her behavior. They don’t want to appear too loud, so they will lower their voice when they are speaking to you. They don’t want to appear too greedy, so they will order a salad at a restaurant, and then only eat half of it, claiming they are not hungry when they’re starving. But if she’s boisterous, and not afraid to give her opinion when she’s around you, or eats what she wants when she wants, you can rest assured that she’s not interested in you. 

She Confides in You

Again, when a woman is trying to get a guys attention, she wants to appear slightly aloof and mysterious. Therefore, she is not going to tell you everything. If she sees you as a friend, she might tell you about her insecurities, a sickness she suffers from, and other personal information about herself that she wouldn’t divulge to someone she’s attracted to. 

She Only Calls You For Practical Reasons

Maybe she’s had an argument with her boyfriend, or she wants advice about something you’ve got expertise in. Either way, she never calls you for random conversations because she just wants to speak to you, there’s always a reason for your call. 

11. She’s In a Situationship

A situationship is similar to the ‘it’s complicated’ status, but it’s more clear cut. It’s when two people actually really like each other, they spend a lot of time together and act as if they are in a relationship, but nothing has been defined.

Everything has been left up in the air, there hasn’t been a conversation about whether you’re an actual couple. However, in the situationship, one person is more invested in the union than the other. In the case of your friend, she’s probably the one who is less invested, and the guy likes her more than she likes him. Hence the reason why she’s flirting with you. 

12. She Misses Being Single

For most of us, being single is really exciting; we can go where we want when we want, and meet new people without having to answer to anyone.

The single life is one of freedom, it gives us the chance to work on our goals, and pursue other endeavors that we might not be able to when we are in a relationship. Your schedule is one hundred percent yours, and there is no one else to think about when it comes to making important decisions.

People in a relationship also miss flirting. It’s easy to get so comfortable that you stop pursuing each other. There is a tendency to become more like friends than anything else. When you were single, you got dressed up on the weekends and hit the town, when you met someone you were attracted to, the chemistry in the air was so intense, you could cut it with a knife.

Now, your weekends are sat under the duvet in front of the TV wearing a comfy tracksuit. Your relationship has grown stale. To bring back that spark again, it takes two to tango, it might be that her partner isn’t willing to make the effort because he’s happy with the way things are.

Since she’s not, her way of bringing some excitement into her life is by flirting with other men, and you are one of them. 

13 She Flirts With You Because She Wants to Have an Affair

There are a lot of reasons why girls have affairs, such as sexual addiction, the thrill of sexual novelty, boredom, and revenge. However, experts argue that the majority of the time, when a girl has an affair, she is seeking to fill an emotional void.

The reality is that women have been getting away with cheating for years. We have been conditioned to believe that men are the players who can’t control their sexual urges, and women are the innocent bystanders.

But according to sexpert Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, the gender gap for infidelity is closing. Previously, unfaithfulness in women either went undetected, or unreported. However, the technological era we are living in today has provided a platform for women to express their frustrations regarding relationships and marriage like never before. 

During the research phase for her book, ‘The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife,’ Dr. Alice Walker found that women went elsewhere for sexual pleasure in an attempt to preserve their relationships.

After trying for years, and in some cases decades to restore sexual satisfaction in their partnerships, they decided to have an affair to fulfill their needs. In some cases, girls are not trying to save their relationships but to sabotage them.

According to psychologist Dr. Charlunn Ruan, when a girl feels trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, stifling, or controlling, and their partner is unwilling to change but at the same time won’t let go of the relationship, cheating usually pushes the man away and he leaves. 

she wants an affair

How to Handle a Flirtatious Girl With a Boyfriend?

Although admiration from a person of the opposite sex can be flattering, this is not the kind of mess you want to get yourself involved with.

As stated, the flirting could be perfectly innocent, but what you don’t want is to end up in a bar brawl with some jealous boyfriend. If you are interested in the lady, I categorically advise you not to get entangled with a woman who is in a relationship, even if she is planning on dumping her partner. Here are some tips on how to handle a flirtatious friend:

Be Blatant But Nice

So that you don’t engage in half-truths or falsehoods, say something like:

“I don’t want to come across as rude or mean, but I believe in being honest and upfront. In case you are getting the wrong idea about our friendship, I just want you to know that I have no interest in dating you. I thought it would be best to tell you in case that was your intention.”

Depending on your friendship level, you might need to spend a bit of time comforting her if she’s someone you vibe with. If not, just end the conversation abruptly, and get on with your day. 

Don’t Flirt Back

Since you know she has a boyfriend, the worst thing you can do is flirt back. If you really want the flirting to come to an end, don’t give her haughty eyes or laugh at her jokes.

During the conversation, make sure you are not giving mixed signals with your body language. If she moves forward, move backwards, if she extends her legs towards you, pull yours back. However, in your rejection, remain civil, don’t make mean comments, or cause a scene. 

Walk Away

If you are at a bar, social event or an office party, excuse yourself politely then go and mingle with other people. Make it as difficult as possible for the woman to get close to you.

In a scenario like this, what you don’t want is for other people to see her flirting with you and it gets reported back to her boyfriend. In a professional context, you can put a stop to it by stating that you’ve got deadlines to meet, and you don’t need her hanging around your desk causing a distraction.

Final Thought

So, you’ve analysed all the signs and come to the conclusion that she already has a boyfriend but flirts with you. Now what? If you’re not attracted to her, great, you can let her down gently and keep it moving.

If you are, you need to decide what’s important to you, do you want to waste your time pursuing someone in a relationship?

Do you get a thrill out of having a hot chick flirt with you even though it will never go anywhere, or are you going to confront her about ditching her boyfriend so she can be with you?

Whatever you decide is up to you, but just make sure your decision is morally sound. 

Written by Alexander Burgemeester on

Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. Want to know more? Read my author bio page.

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