Narcissists make every situation the most painful it could possibly be, but I do stand firm in my opinion that they also make great teachers.
Hear me out!
Narcissists are terrible, yes. But they do act in ways that help us realize lessons can be learned. We can turn a negative into a positive if it means we get to grow a little as a result.
So, what are these lessons? Painful as they may be – you have to see them as opportunities to acquire knowledge, and grow.
Nobody Wants To Learn These
Who on earth wants to have to willingly go through all the pain they do just to learn a lesson?
Yes – it’d be easier to know in advance so you can effectively swipe left and avoid them altogether.
But life doesn’t work that way – and you sometimes have to go through the mud in order to reach dry land.
Lessons are how you grow, and how you ensure you never experience the pain and suffering again.
13 Painful Lessons You Need To Learn From Narcissists
1. Love Isn’t Ammunition
A real lesson learned is that love isn’t a word you use to hold against somebody. It really isn’t, and not enough people give that the time it deserves to digest.
Narcissists enjoy using love with phrases such as:
If you loved me, you’d start behaving appropriately in public.
If you loved me, you’ll keep your long hair because you know I love that about you.
If you loved me, you’d be trying hard to make me happy, but you’re not.
You can’t use love as an excuse to manipulate – but being with a narcissist for so long makes that really forgettable for victims.
Learning that love centers around respect and kindness will help you learn that you don’t have to keep trying to fit into impossible boxes under the guise of love.
2. The Only Revenge is a Life Well Lived
For too long, victims try to spend their lives wanting revenge on the narcissist. If only they could feel the pain you felt throughout your relationship, right?
It doesn’t work that way – nor should it.
A painful lesson to learn is that the best revenge is a great life. The reason this hurts is because it takes time. It takes time to figure out what you want, work towards it and get it.
Narcissists don’t have lives well lived. They aren’t waking up to their dream life each morning – they’re as miserable as anything!
So what do you need to do in order to rise above all this negativity?
Live for you! Live happily! Live well!
3. Narcissistic Abuse is Real
Now’s the time to stop denying that narcissistic abuse exists, because it does. It exists and it’s painful for 1 in 5 people in a relationship right this very moment.
Was it ever your intention to walk into a relationship with a narcissist? No!
The lesson learned is that you are sometimes part of a statistic, which isn’t always good.
However – narcissistic abuse is real. They will try to convince you that it isn’t and that it’s all in your head but that very toxic move is narcissistic abuse personified.
4. The Narcissist Is Acting
None of what the narcissist told you was real.
They lie, and they’re really good at it. The reason they lied was to encourage you to believe them. They want you, like a dog, to be obedient and know who is in charge.
Overall of that, reality is nothing more than an actor, playing a part very well.
So the love they told you they had for you, all the promises – none of it is real.
5. Some People Will Believe Them
It’s always going to be this way, I’m afraid.
All narcissists will be able to convince at least one other person that they’re the innocent ones.
Can it be somebody you’re close with?
Absolutely. It can be anybody in your circle of support; friends or family.
It’s painful because no matter what you say or do, nothing will alter their opinions.
6. You Will Lose People!
Leading to the fact that – yes – you will lose people along the way.
Some will simply ‘not want to be involved’ and will keep a healthy distance from you. Others will side 100% with the narcissist. Some may not like who you’ve become and will choose to abandon the friendship altogether.
It’s awful that a narcissist could be responsible for this – but it happens.
Think to yourself – what’s worse – being under their spell and having everybody around you almost supporting that?…
…Or going through the painful lesson of knowing that your freedom equates to a certain amount of loss?
7. Narcissists Love Watching You in Pain
Your pain is their drug.
Your pain is their supply.
Your pain is their joy.
They love every aspect of it and will forever induce that emotion within you to give you that feel-good feeling.
How many of you have noticed that when you’re having a bad day, that’s when the narcissist seems their most happy?
It’s pretty vile, isn’t it?
8. Love Doesn’t Hurt
All this time, you thought it had to; otherwise, it wasn’t love, but your research and time have proven you wrong.
Love doesn’t hurt. It’s not meant to break your heart in two, and those who claim to love you indeed do not love you if they intend to cause you pain.
9. Wishing Isn’t Living
Wishing and hoping for somebody to change is a waste of a life.
You’re whiling away the hours, days, weeks and months waiting for them to come to their senses, and you’re never going to be able to get that time back.
A lesson here is that you can’t wait. There’s nothing in it for you if you do.
10. You Won’t Get Your Apology
No narcissist is going to apologize for hurting you, not ever.
An apology to them is an admittance, and if they’re admitting to causing you pain, they’re admitting to being an abuser.
They’d rather not do that at all.
11. No Closure From Them Either
When all you want is closure, what you’re instead going to be left with is never knowing why. It’ll never be the ending you want it to be, with the answers you need.
What you have to apply your focus to in times like this is that sometimes no answer is the closure you are looking for.
12. It Was Never Your Fault
The pain that comes from thinking the entire abusive situation is your fault is palpable, and you’ll never forget it, even if you get over it.
It feels freeing to realize that the way you were treated wasn’t because of you, but it takes time to rewire the brain to fully believe it and form new habits based on that belief.
13. Grief Exists
Grief is not reserved for the dear and dying.
It is possible to grieve the end of a relationship or to grieve the person you wanted the narcissist to be.
Sometimes I think it’s easy to play a narrative loop in your brain to fit your desires.
If you paint the narcissist to be the perfect person for you, your brain won’t be able to tell the difference between that and reality.
Remembering that is tough, and you grieve the story you built in your mind.
How To Outsmart The Narcissist?
Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.
Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?
Wrong!
You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!
Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.
So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?
Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask
Narcissists!
You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!
Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!
You know it well, I’m certain!
Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be.
They’re also incredibly convincing at it.
But don’t be fooled.
Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.
They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at.
Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you.
Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen.
This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them.
Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.
They Think They’re So Clever!
Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally.
They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.
They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you?
It is to so many people, sadly.
The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword.
Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all.
Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!
What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others.
Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.
Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.
You? Really? …
Yes! Really!
You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?
Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.
If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind.
You’re so not alone.
Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively.
The key?
Outsmart them!
Let’s get to the good bit…
How to Outsmart a Narcissist
#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!
Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!
The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.
Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back.
Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.
Composure is key, just like consistency.
#2 “Gray Rock”
The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist.
The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.
You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.
Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.
Bingo!
When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.
Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.
You’ve become so boring!
No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…
#3 Deflection – Master It!
Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable.
One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.
Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.
I’ll give you an example.
They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?)
Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?”
It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks.
#4 Information is Preparation!
Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else.
You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up.
Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points.
This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.
This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?
#5 Gather Your Support System
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.
You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.
Encouragement is also heavily advised here!
Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to.
Let’s start unlock that potential!
