13 Disturbing Examples of Narcissists Failing as Parents
Shock horror: Narcissists make for terrible parents.
Not only are they terrible, but they also spend every moment failing to provide the most essential parenting in order to raise confident, well-rounded, emotionally healthy kids.
If you were raised by a narcissist, you will know that there were ways your narcissistic parent treated you that are unfiltered examples of their failings, and here are 13 of them.
#1 Withholding their love and affection unless conditions are met
When you have kids, showing love and affection shouldn’t even be debated.
Children are brought into this world because they’re wanted, but even narcissists struggle with expressing their love for their offspring.
That is, unless certain conditions are met.
This means that, sadly, kids of narcissistic parents seem to spend the majority of their childhood trying to find ways to gain their parent’s love and affection.
Chasing the hope rather than facing the reality is what leads to so much pain later on in life.
#2 Using guilt to control
A client of mine recently told me that their father said this to them when they were around fourteen years old and had the flu:
You seem to prefer just lounging around the house rather than getting up and actively doing chores.
Being unwell at any age can really take it out of you, but if you’re a kid and you have a fever of 103, nobody should be complaining that you’re not picking up your chores.
It’s sad and disappointing that in these instances, kids don’t get any sympathy or reprieve from their abusive parent.
#3 Treating their kids as extensions of them
I can’t stress this enough:
Your children are not younger versions of you.
Sure, they may resemble you, and there may even be similar characteristics, like a smile, or a laugh.
But that’s it. Your kids are their own people, with their own goals and hobbies.
They don’t have to love broccoli just because you do. They don’t have to support the Bears just because you do.
Narcissists never seem to let that one slide.
#4 Living vicariously through their kids
As narcissists parents will often say, they missed out on ‘so much when they were younger.’
In their own twisted world, they assume that they can live vicariously through their kids.
Send them off to college!
Travel the world!
Join that football team!
Do what I couldn’t do because I busted my shoulder at thirteen!
What if your kids don’t want to do those things? It seems many are forced by their narcissistic parent, so in some way, the parent can live their dream through them.
#5 Bragging that any talent of their child is down to ‘them’
Oh, they totally get that from me.
I played guitar at high school and won the local rock school championships.
All their hard work came through so many practice sessions with me.
I made sure they prioritized their talent.
Yeah, yeah. We get it.
How amazing are you…. not.
#6 Having a golden child and a scapegoat
Failings often come in the form of family dynamics. Nobody should ever need to pit two of their kids against each other, but we see it in narcissistic families all the time.
One golden child who can do no wrong, against the scapegoat, the one unafraid to speak up and see the injustice.
This will only end one way: estrangement.
#7 Sabotaging their kid’s success
Whenever there’s a chance for a narcissistic parent to sabotage their kids’ success, they will snap it up.
I understand how much this hurts at the time, but if that wound isn’t addressed and healed, you can carry them well into adulthood where they become much bigger and harder to work with.
From preventing them from going to the college they want, or telling them they will never make it, or every day ways that inject fear instead of determination into their children’s lives; narcissists will always violate their child’s potential.
Why?
Because they don’t want their children to be bigger than them. They weren’t successful, and neither should their kids be.
#8 Violating boundaries
Boundaries aren’t allowed to exist in children of narcissists.
If I was to say to you that all narcissists violate all boundaries, I would hope you’d see that this will also, and painfully, include those of their kids.
I don’t care what age they are, from the moment they’re born, they will be taught to surrender any type of boundary they may have. It only gets worse as they get older.
#9 Refusing to allow independence
I can’t stand any of these examples, but I really can’t stand this one.
Independence is how people – all people – grow and learn. Life is about exploring, and making mistakes, and wanting to achieve goals, and having dreams and working toward them.
Independence is how you learn to do things by yourself, and become stronger.
Narcissists hate the idea of that, because then you’ll ask them less for help. And their support and interference will be less and less.
They need to be needed. They want to be wanted.
Taking it away from them because you become capable is seen as wrong.
#10 Publicly embarrassing the child
If you have a narcissistic parent, you will totally get this, unfortunately.
Embarrassment, from calling out their appearance, to calling out any “mood swings,” to yelling unnecessarily to draw attention to what they deem ‘bad behavior’, embarrassment can come in so many forms.
The more public, the better. Why? To shame you! To make you feel guilty for not falling in line, or just to keep you on your toes and remember ‘who’s boss.’
It’s sickening.
#11 Telling their children they were a mistake, or a burden
Just when I thought I’d hated the examples I’ve already written the most, here comes the biggest, I’d say.
Nobody should be told that they were a mistake. Nobody should have to hear what a burden the narcissist thinks they are.
All children are a gift, and should be treated as such. If that wasn’t you, the problem isn’t that you aren’t a gift, or a person with worth, the problem was your narcissistic, evil parent.
#12 Gaslighting
All the time, as much as they possibly can, a narcissist will gaslight you and make you think you’re going crazy. Your reality will be replaced with theirs.
Life isn’t rosy at all when you have to hear how sensitive you are, or how something you insist happened, didn’t.
It’s no fun, and is seen as a proper parental failure.
#13 Using the child as a pawn during divorce
Why narcissists suddenly appear interested in their child only through divorce is beyond me, but that’s them all over, isn’t it?
You’re good enough when you have a use, but other than that, you’re just there.
Narcissists become insistent that their child is important to them, not because they are, but because they want to win whatever battle it is they’re taking on against you.
And if there’s a chance they can make you look bad alongside this fight for custody, they will do that, too.
You can’t pick and choose when you parent. If you think you can, you’re already failing.
When you have kids, showing love and affection shouldn’t even be debated.
A client of mine recently told me that their father said this to them when they were around fourteen years old and had the flu:
I can’t stress this enough:
As narcissists parents will often say, they missed out on ‘so much when they were younger.’ 
Oh, they totally get that from me.
Failings often come in the form of family dynamics. Nobody should ever need to pit two of their kids against each other, but we see it in narcissistic families all the time.
Whenever there’s a chance for a narcissistic parent to sabotage their kids’ success, they will snap it up.
Boundaries aren’t allowed to exist in children of narcissists.
If you have a narcissistic parent, you will totally get this, unfortunately.
Just when I thought I’d hated the examples I’ve already written the most, here comes the biggest, I’d say.
All the time, as much as they possibly can, a narcissist will gaslight you and make you think you’re going crazy. Your reality will be replaced with theirs.
Why narcissists suddenly appear interested in their child only through divorce is beyond me, but that’s them all over, isn’t it?
