One of the most painful things people reflect on when leaving a narcissist is just how much precious time they wasted trying to make the relationship work.
I get it.
You want to spend time well, and we’re constantly told that you only get one life.
If I offer you 12 ways your life gets wasted in a narcissistic relationship, I want those ways to be a promise you make to yourself to never fall into that kind of dynamic again.
#1 Time spent hoping
Time doing what you love is never considered to be time spent wasting.
However, experiencing and living through an abusive relationship can never constitute time doing what you love.
Instead, the time you spend with them is mostly spent hoping. Hoping for them to wake up and apologize for the awful ways they’ve treated you.
Hoping for them to follow through on just one promise they make to you.
Hoping for them to one day smile at you and ease your nervous system which has been frazzled by their presence.
You hope the relationship will somehow bloom into perfection, and that the person you made up in your head becomes a real person before you.
I hate to say it, but you are wasting your life waiting for the impossible.
#2 Your love goes to waste
I know there’s a lot of love inside your heart because you feel so much, as all empaths do.
You love them so much that you fail to realize this love is based on a version of them that doesn’t even exist.
You love a version of them that you wish to see and get to know, and the way they bring that to life is by breadcrumbing these little pockets of affection to you every now and then.
It’s rare, but often enough for you to hold onto how happy they make you in that moment.
There is so much wasted time in loving the 5% of them that is nice to you, when the other 95% is what makes you cry at night.
#3 Missed opportunities
All the missed opportunities you never took because you weren’t confident enough, you didn’t believe in yourself, you didn’t see your potential, or you were convinced by the narcissist that you would change too much if you took it.
You appeased them through the art of saying no, and in turn said yes to their abuse without even thinking about it.
You can’t get those opportunities back at the original time they were presented to you, but it’s never too late to start making decisions that would serve you best.
#4 Conversations you regret not controlling
You think, think, and overthink all the times you and the narcissist were stuck in conversations that they dominated, and you wish you could go back and reverse it.
You wanted to take control, but you didn’t know the first thing about asserting yourself. If you tried, you were shamed and made to feel guilty.
You waste time regretting, when you could spend the same amount of time building boundaries and ensuring you never fall into the trap of narcissism ever again.
It’s never too late.
#5 Giving away all your energy to them
Energy can feel finite, can’t it? Well, that’s because it is. It’s precious, and eventually it will run out if you keep hanging around with narcissists.
And what happens when you give a narcissist your energy?
You don’t get to have it for yourself!
Long story short, when it comes to you, you have nothing. The narcissist takes and takes in relationships.
They demand you cook from scratch even though you’ve both worked hard all day. They don’t lift a finger.
They command your attention and sympathy. They criticize you to the point where you don’t know what could possibly be right any more.
#6 Being loyal to the untrusting
When it comes to relationship dynamics with a narcissist, there will always be two people playing two very different roles.
They will want your loyalty at all times, and in return you have to tolerate whatever they do, even if it’s wrong and painful to you.
The narcissist can be out all hours of the day literally anybody, and you just have to go along with it.
That loyalty is wasted on somebody whom you just cannot, and should not trust.
#7 Money frittered into oblivion
Your money can go down the drain in the blink of any eye if it’s in the possession of a narcissist.
They hate you spending even a dime of theirs, but will expect you to reach into your pocket and pay when it suits them.
Will you get it back?
Absolutely not!
#8 Your kindness was trampled all over
Kindness should never feel like it’s going to waste, but we are talking about narcissists here.
Everything you give them is a total waste due to the fact that they don’t appreciate any of it.
Kindness included! And I’ll be the first of many to tell you that your kindness is not a weakness, but rather the kind of transaction they love – a one-sided transaction.
#9 All that peace you could have had
Peace, perfect peace. We all crave it, and we want a partner who offers it to us as much as we do to them.
Life with a narcissist will never give you that, and as much as you reflect on your entire relationship, you always go back to the sticking point that you missed out on so much peace where chaos took over.
Sadly, time can’t be reversed, but you do have opportunities for peace the moment you walk away.
#10 Sleepless nights wasted worrying
Sleepless nights at the time can feel neverending.
The lights go out, and hours pass like days while you’re lying there wide awake, wishing you could just switch off.
You worry about your future. You even worry about what tomorrow may bring in these tumultuous times with a narcissist.
Yes, it’s a waste. No amount of worry will change who they are and how they treat you.
#11 Silent wishes turned to waste
You can wish all you want, but no wish will come true unless everything ideal for that wish comes together like the perfect puzzle.
That is why all your wishes with a narcissist will never come true, because the relationship is far from perfect.
You’re wasting your time wanting the impossible, but I get that at the time, your hope oversees the reality of that.
#12 Years spent obeying the narcissist
You do as you’re told because you want to keep the peace. You capture and absorb the blame, shame and criticism; anything for them to just smile, thank and appreciate you.
You obey them because they’ve convinced you that what they say goes, and everything they say is right.
The only person who should feel shame is the narcissist.
What did all the obeying do? Where did it get you? It got you under their thumb while they ruled the roost.
It was a total waste of time, and the abuse you experienced is proof of that.
