Narcissists pretend they don’t want you around, but in secret, they’re losing sleep thinking about you leaving.
As secret fearers of abandonment, they actually have all the tricks up their sleeves to try to get you to stick around.
I’m here to remind you that every single one of these 12 ways the narcissist keeps you from leaving are all manipulative tactics to get you to be blindsided yet again by their abusive characteristics.
It’s time to make a stand and see their games for what they really are. Who’s with me?
#1 Dropping the L-Bomb
You’d better run for cover, because that L-bomb is about to go off. The reason we refer to it as a bomb is because bombs are not good.
They destroy. They are sudden. There’s no warning. They leave a mess. To add the term ‘love’ seems odd, I mean, do the two go together, really? Only when it involves a narcissist!
But we all know these love-bombing attempts are the closest you will ever feel to being loved, but you still aren’t.
I cannot stress this enough – you really are not loved just because the narcissist decides to send you flowers every day, or takes you to the best restaurant.
You love any kind of attention because it’s probably something you didn’t receive fully as a child, but that doesn’t mean you are being loved.
Avoid seeing it as a reason to stay.
#2 Intimidation
Flat out intimidation will make victims of narcissistic abuse stay, and it can get pretty serious.
These are the kinds of people who love to try to assert their power onto you, making you feel like you can’t step away from the relationship due to fear.
I hate to break it to you, but if intimidation is the only reason you’re staying, then fear is the reason why you should leave.
Read that again, because it has to start making sense for you.
#3 Threats
Outright threats are a cause for concern, and they should sound as some of the biggest red flags that you’re dealing with an abuser. Hearing things like:
If you leave, I will expose all your personal photos you sent me to my friends.
If you leave, I will hurt myself.
If you leave, I will make your life hell.
… You need to understand how harmful this kind of talk is. For you, the person who wants out, you’re going to feel incredibly stuck.
#4 Deflating their worth
If you don’t feel good about yourself, the narcissist knows you’re not likely to cope very well in the world on your own.
That’s where you have the opportunity to say, “I am worth more than the narcissist tells me.” really comes into play.
It’s all done on purpose, and you have to understand how damaging this truly is.
If you’re hearing comments that erode your self-worth, it’s all designed for you to dissolve into the power of the narcissist for as long as you’ll allow it to happen.
#5 Emotional blackmail
You love me, don’t you? You’d not be so cruel as to leave me.
I just feel so much better being with you. I know you’d never ruin that.
You know the kinds of comments I mean. They’re all cruel and a way to keep you close.
But more than that, they’re also a way for you to stick around due to no other factor than guilt.
If I leave, it will mean they’re right about me. I need t o prove them wrong.
It’s the worst kind of subconscious dare, isn’t it? But somehow, it works for narcissists.
#6 Isolating from everybody they know
If you feel withdrawn, it’s probably because you are. Withdrawn from your family, friends, and general support system.
You’ve taken to liking it, because you have the narcissist. Your savior. The bringer of peace.
But they aren’t, are they? They’re the cause of chaos, tricking you into thinking you don’t need anybody else but them in your life.
Which means when things go wrong, you’ve got nobody to turn to.
See where I’m going with this?
#7 Intermittent reinforcement
The narcissist gives a little, and you take it all. They give nothing, and you beg. You give everything to them, and they never appreciate you for it.
This is the cycle of intermittent reinforcement, and it’s incredibly addictive for victims of narcissistic abuse.
They learn from a young age that love comes when you do things for the people who give it out.
If you are not receiving it, that means you aren’t earning it.
So earning it becomes your full time job.
#8 Trauma bonding
Trauma bonds come about when an abuser and a victim lock into a situation that is bonded by the very thing that is unhealthy. Take the cycle of abuse, for example.
One minute it feels amazing, the next it feels like hell on earth. But you learn to anticipate the good over the bad, and become addicted to waiting for those moments.
Are you likely to leave a relationship where you know there are going to be moments so high that you can’t even imagine reaching them?
#9 Hoovering
When you feel like you’re done with the relationship, the narcissist will come back to hoover.
I love you.
I can’t live without you.
I will try harder.
I promise to change.
You will see a different person from now on.
I don’t want to hurt you.
You stay, because you believe. Because you hope.
But if you can be honest with yourself, will it change? Has it so far?
Exactly.
#10 Playing victim
Why do you always insist on treating me so unfairly?
I try my best, it’s never good enough.
I can’t seem to do anything right by you.
Your standards are so high.
It’s never their fault, but in playing victim, the narcissist wants you to see that you have some making up to do.
And so you stay, and try to make it happen. And we all know that means climbing up a very steep hill for not much in return.
#11 Gaslighting
You don’t even know what you want.
There’s no point in leaving if you can’t even decide what you want for dinner without my help.
You’re far too sensitive to last long by yourself.
You see how they get you to stay, even when you don’t want to?
Gaslighting is just something a victim takes on and believes because that’s what they’ve been programmed to do.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
#12Cutting off finances
This can be done either by taking your bank card away, or access to the accounts if they are joint, or telling you to quit your job and focus on home life instead.
However they execute the finances being taken from you, in doing so, they will make you feel more reliant on them and less likely to leave.
This is where you need to put your foot down and insist that you keep your own finances away from them, because I will tell you, they will ruin yours. A lot of the time it’s completely impossible for a victim to leave if that’s the case.
