Hands up if you had a narcissistic parent growing up.
A lot more of you will have raised your hand than you’d probably ever think, and that’s why topics like this exist.
Narcissists make terrifying parents. They should never be allowed to have kids, and yet there are droves of people out there who were raised by one.
Understanding why narcissists make terrible parents will give those who can relate an undeniable source of validation, so I compiled 12 reasons for you today.
#1 Mistakes are punished instead of taught
When you have kids, it’s blindingly obvious that mistakes shouldn’t be punished or seen as moments of learning. To the narcissistic parent, mistakes are a crime.
You’d think a parent would automatically guide their child, be patient with them as they explore life, or explain what happened that went wrong.
Nope.
But there are consequences.
This makes kids stop asking questions or trying at all, because they risk failing.
Is there anything more terrifying than preventing your children from growing on purpose?
#2 Boundaries are mocked
To the narcissistic parent, boundaries are treated like a joke.
Oh, come on.
You don’t get to say no to me.
This is not your choice to make.
Children figure out quickly that their opinions and morals don’t exist for them.
With privacy being invaded and feelings totally thrown out the window, they don’t get the kind of space other kids might get.
To be ridiculed for trying to protect yourself is a cunning and toxic way to treat your kids.
#3 Emotional safety ceases to consistently exist
Children will never really know which version of their parent they will get from day to day. One minute, there’s calm, the next there are real explosions.
What does this mean for that child? It means they are always on alert for the worst.
They’re constantly scanning their parent to see if they can predict the latest outburst.
Narcissists will never provide emotional safety, so the child will never experience it.
#4 No validation? Great punishment!
All kids want to be validated by their parents, but narcissists will never be able to fully offer that.
Praise stops and affection is really only breadcrumbed throughout their childhood.
Because of this, children sadly learn that love has to be earned, and when they try, they can never really reach it.
Imagine the levels of insecurity felt by a person so small and confused. That has to be terrifying.
#5 Children learn to suppress
When feelings aren’t welcome, they are treated as a huge inconvenience.
Sadness becomes something the narcissistic parent mocks, and any joy felt is an open door for jealousy.
What happens?
Children shut down. They don’t want to express anything, share news, or even trusting their parent.
Learning to live in a numb state of being is the safest way they think surviving should look like.
#6 Anxiety: the permanent state
Anxiety is so normal for kids with narcissistic parents to feel. Not just feeling a little nervous, but acute anxiety that never really regulates their nervous system.
Children never learn how to relax, yet they can’t understand why they always feel those ‘knots in their tummy.’
As their mind races and their bodies tense, they grow into adults who constantly scan for danger, no matter the situation.
Peace should never be something a person has to fight for, least of all a child. I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to have that battle every single day.
#7 Image over reality every time
Narcissists are all obsessed with their image, but when a narcissist has kids, they become obsessed with family image.
Appearances are everything, and how you conduct yourself to the outside world matters imperatively.
Everything has to be perfect, and nobody should complain.
Behind closed doors?
It’s a different story.
It’s a confusing time to be raised living two lives like this, with a child;s reality being constantly denied and unseen to those who may otherwise be able to offer support.
#8 Love is conditional
Love shouldn’t come with a rulebook.
Behave correctly, or I will punish you.
Don’t upset me, or there will be consequences.
Make me look good.
You’re a child. What happens if you fail to comply? The love is snapped back and withheld from you.
It only teaches kids that they’re only loveable when they provide a use, and that is the kind of belief that can root itself and remain in adulthood.
Love doesn’t need to be earned, it should just be a concept that exists without question, especially with your children.
Try telling that to a terrifying narcissistic parent.
#9 Guilt becomes a main theme
Children shouldn’t feel responsible for their narcissistic parent’s emotions.
If you hadn’t done that, I would…
You made me so angry.
Look at what you’ve caused.
The guilt runs through these phrases, and more, doesn’t it?
This is normal for a narcissistic parent, and classic signs that they’re offloading their bad behavior onto their child in the form of a heavy guilt they won’t be able to easily shake.
No child should have to blame themselves for things that are far beyond their control.
It’s a kind of terrifyingly sick burden that creates issues that needn’t exist.
#10 Control trumps wellbeing
Control always has to come first in narcissistic dynamics, and parents and children are no different.
Choices are almost dictated to the kids, with their own opinions being dismissed.
This doesn’t make for a scenario where wellbeing is considered, or independence is encouraged.
If a child is obedient, there will be more likely to be peace.
They are not allowed to explore who they are or what they want from life, because that might just create a child who is sure of themselves, and confident.
Or as I like to call it; a narcissist’s worst nightmare.
#11 Children end up parenting
Roles can sadly reverse in narcissistic parent vs. child dynamics. Children are seen as the comforters, and they become great at diffusing tension.
As they learn to manage the moods of their parent, their own needs go totally unmet.
The exhaustion behind that is palpable, and that child grows into an adult who people-pleases to the detriment of their own mental health.
The child just wants to know that they have an important role in the family, and if the narcissistic parent puts this on them, they will do the best they can to make it work.
#12 Parent blames the child for their moods
Did the narcissistic parent have a bad day? It must be your fault.
Are they feeling stressed? Well, it had to be you who caused it.
Do they feel an innate sense of anger? You must have pulled that trigger somehow.
This is what life lived with a narcissistic parent feels like; the children become emotional scapegoats; learning that another person’s feelings is somehow their own responsibility.
Accepting blame like this will only lead you to take on emotional weights that have nothing to do with you for the rest of your life.
I don’t think there could be anything more terrifying than that, do you?
