I know you wake up every morning thinking, “Will this be the day? Will today be when the narcissist finally changes, and life can feel peaceful again?”
A narcissist will never see the error of their ways. They don’t think they’ve done a single thing wrong, and they are absolutely convinced that they are owed everything by all those they cross paths with.
One of the biggest ways you can heal and move on from anybody toxic and abusive, is by understanding that you could wait a thousand lifetimes, and nothing will be any different.
These 12 reasons why they won’t change are all eye-opening for their own reasons, but each one is true, and knowing them will help you through your wasteful wishes.
#1 They don’t even realize they’re the problem
For a person to change, they need to be able to see what they’re changing from.
For that to happen, self-reflection must be real, but that requires honesty, and this is where all narcissists fall short.
A narcissist would rather blame you than admit they are the problem. If something happens to go wrong, it will be you who is at fault, not them.
Or maybe it’s sheer bad luck, or perhaps they’re under stress. Whatever the excuse, it won’t be because of their terrible, toxic behavior.
It’s never them, and until it starts to be, change cannot enter the building.
#2 They shirk accountability
If a narcissist were to hold themselves accountable, there would be a level of shame that would rise up, feeling unbearable to them.
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Rather than put themselves through that, they deflect. Onto you, onto anybody.
Anything but, “I was wrong” will come out of their mouth. You can’t expect change from somebody who is insistent on blaming the entire world for their problems or attitude.
I know that might not be what you want to hear, but hoping for them to one day do this is a complete waste of time.
#3 Their ego will never allow it
When a person’s identity is built solely on being superior to everybody else, admitting their imperfections will only threaten the fall of that structure. The ego is strong, but only because it has to be.
A weak ego would crumble fast, and narcissists aren’t built to project weakness out.
The ego wouldn’t stand for change, because that involves too much compromise. It would spell game over for the narcissist.
#4 Being right is more important than being fair
Winning has to matter to a narcissist, regardless of what it may be they’re fighting for.
The kind of mindset that inhibits growth will be the kind the narcissist possesses, as they would rather be right and stand alone, than be wrong and stand with everybody else.
It’s their way, or the highway, and they don’t want to offer you any room to understand or be understood. Being fair? Forget it.
No change can occur with that kind of approach to life.
#5 Vulnerability? Forget it!
If there is one behavior that makes a narcissist shudder and cringe, it is that of being vulnerable.
They don’t want to reveal anything about them that may make them look sad or flaky, and so they hide behind their obsession with control.
They love to show an angry side to them, and their charm can go off the scales as they cover their weaknesses well.
For change to be successful, the exposure of all kinds of emotions needs to happen, and that includes sadness, fear, and insecurities.
It’s simple: a narcissist just will not go there.
#6 They benefit by remaining the same
If manipulation works for a narcissist, that’s what they stick with. They love control, and they know how to gain it.
They love to avoid the real issues, and they’ve got pretty good at that, too.
Why change what works, right?
Narcissists don’t want to flip the script, not when they gain so much from being so toxic.
#7 An apology needs to be sincere: big no
You will never get a sincere apology from a narcissist.
It was me.
I shouldn’t have acted that way.
Big no-no. Do you want change? It all starts with a sorry that is the hardest thing to fall out of a narcissist’s mouth.
Change starts with the reflection that you may have hurt somebody, and for a narcissist, they will never bow down to anybody’s tears.
#8 Real change involves grieving their true self
The painful truths a narcissist needs to face just don’t exist all the while they refuse to change.
They are insecure, fearful and empty people, who want to hide all of that from everybody.
The grief they need to feel in order to move on and be better people just cannot materialize.
#9 They can’t live without drama
Drama is the narcissist’s middle name, so don’t expect for a second that they will swap it for a life of calm and serenity.
Chaos stimulates them, even if it leaves you as the victim in tatters.
With peace, the narcissist feels invisible, so let’s remember one thing: they will never live without conflict. It’s what fuels them.
#10 Calm bores them
When you consider calm, you also need to think about how bored a narcissist gets when they are surrounded by it.
It’s as if they’re waiting for something crazy to happen to shake the moment up and leave somebody (usually you) upset or hurt.
They want intensity, so they will create a problem in order to just feel something.
I know, it’s not right, and it sends shivers down my spine. But this is precisely why they will never choose calm over chaos, and why change therefore, is impossible.
#11 They can’t get past their self-defence
When you approach the narcissist asking them to change, it will feel like an attack.
What is your problem?
Oh, so everything is my fault now?
You know it is, but you can;t get a conversation past this kind of response, so you stop bothering.
It’s not down to you to make the narcissist change, though. This is all their own responsibility, but they refuse, because they are so keen to protect the character they’ve built.
Well, we all know that growth can’t happen through walls. You are fighting a losing battle.
#12 They can’t provide their own supply
A narcissist relies on everybody else for worth and validation. They can’t create their own joy, so they steal it from victims who are usually left with nothing.
Until that can change, the cycle will continue, which is – surprise surprise – why change never happens at all.
It’s always just that little bit out of reach because a healthy person doesn’t need to pull others down in order to make themselves feel better.
They don’t need to cause pain or sadness, they just live a happy life, and struggle with challenges when they present themselves.
They don’t mind appearing weak or tired, and a narcissist would never go about their life that way.
They need supply from others, and to stop doing that is an absolute impossible change that will never manifest into reality.
