There will have been times in the past where victims of narcissistic abuse make excuses for their abuser.
He doesn’t mean it.
She just had a bad day.
You know what he gets like when he’s stressed.
It was my fault.
Under no circumstances should these phrases be used to justify what you went through, be it in the past, or today. Narcissistic abuse is planned, and you were long part of that plan before you even realized what was going on.
Here are 12 moments that show just how intentional the narcissistic abuse you experienced was.
#1 The nice act in public
It’s all in the switch, isn’t it? I don’t need to tell you how much a narcissist’s persona can differ when they’re in front of people.
They are so charming that literally everybody around them falls for it.
They are so nice!
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You are so lucky.
My goodness, they’re such a good listener.
They are so supportive, and they think the world of you.
You hear it, and you see them laugh at the narcissist’s jokes, clinging onto every word that falls out of their false mouth.
The nice act in public is a controlled, manipulated version of themselves that otherwise doesn’t exist. It promises an opinion that is positive of them, and that’s the reason it’s so contrived.
If they can control this, they can control everything else, too. And they do.
#2 The cruel abuser behind closed doors
The flip side of the character coin.
The version of the narcissist that is cruel, unkind, critical, abusive, and intent on destroying your identity is the version you know well. Behind closed doors, they yell, they stomp all over your boundaries, and they make no apologies over it.
This is abuse. It’s not a nice person having a rough day, or you not being able to do anything right.
These moments where you yet again fall victim to somebody’s inexplicably bad behavior prove that the abuse is intentional.
#3 Picking moments to intimidate you in front of unsuspecting people
Have you ever been somewhere with a narcissist, and they’ve shot you a look from across the room?
It sends shivers down your spine, and makes your smile fade. Your stomach knots up, and you think, “Oh my God, what have I done wrong?”
You spend all night worrying, as the narcissist actively avoids you on purpose so that you can’t ask what’s wrong.
This is intentional. It’s to control you, even in a room full of people. The narcissist loves knowing they can do this, and will use it against you wherever possible.
#4 Wrecking your reputation
Nobody who truly cares about you wants to ruin your reputation. A person who is loving and kind will want to protect you, and will never be caught saying negative or nasty things about you behind your back.
Narcissists love to do this. They will ruin your name if it means they get to look superior, or the victim to others.
This is an intentional way to frame you as the bad guy, when in reality, it’s the narcissist who is evil.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of a smear campaign like this, you will know that every bit of it is done purposely to ruin your good name and character.
#5 Picking you in the first place
Narcissists don’t choose their victims at random, they pick based on the person you are, and what sort of supply you can offer them in the time they need you for.
They see your empathetic side, and loyal nature. They understand how tolerant you are, and these are traits as far as they are concerned, they can stretch and manipulate over months, even years.
Selection of you in general and as a whole is intentional, and everything starts from that very first choice they make to use you as their next victim.
#6 Picking on you when you are at your most vulnerable
Are you sick or stressed? Are you grieving the loss of somebody close to you?
You’ll notice the narcissist escalates their behavior to match your vulnerabilities, and that’s because they love it when you act weaker than them.
They know it, it’s full of intention, and they won’t stop even when you are in floods of tears before them.
#7 Forgetting conveniently
A narcissist will never forget your mistakes, but they will always forget the promises they make.
Selective memory is where they find their power, and all the while they can pull this off, they will take advantage of you.
Yes, their forgetfulness is always convenient, but only to them.
#8 Denying what they clearly did or said
YOu heard what they said, and you remember it well. But you know what? The narcissist is going to deny it anyway.
This is a purposeful way of gaslighting you, and convincing you that your reality doesn’t exist.
More importantly, over time it teaches you that your reality isn’t important. That is where you need to be on guard for these intentionally abusive moments.
#9 Your boundaries are fully compromised
When you say no, the narcissist will push and push until they get their own way.
They will lay guilt thick on your doorstep and put pressure on you to do and say and think what they want you to, and this is over and over, not just once.
This is an intentional erosion of your self, and should always be taken seriously.
Narcissists will not care that you have boundaries, they only care about wrecking them, walking all over them, and gaining control.
#10 You’re punished for saying no
When you do say no and apply a boundary, you are punished.
Whether that’s the silent treatment, distance, attitude or drama; the narcissist will bring it.
When you reflect on all the ways you experienced this, you’ll begin to see the pattern of intention, with the aim to make you give up and just say yes.
The narcissist was training you to comply.
#11 Breadcrumbing to keep you from leaving
When a narcissist breadcrumbs, they are openly offering you the minimum, and I am talking the bare minimum of what they should be in a relationship.
To stop you from leaving, a narcissist may pick up on you wanting to go, and tell you they love you, or hug you, or say sorry for their moods.
These moments make you feel on top of the world. Finally, you feel like you’re progressing!
Except, it’s really just a moment of breadcrumbing you to keep you from leaving. It’s never enough for a healthy person, but it’s just enough for an intended period of you changing your mind and staying.
#12 They behave differently when they feel you’re onto them
Behavior can change when a narcissist feels like you are onto them. Sometimes that may look like kindness, and others it can be the discard of you altogether.
Never will they stand up and agree with you, and promise (with action) to be better.
When you think back to these moments, you will understand that it all boils down to manipulation. You stayed because you believed them. You apologised because they made you feel like you were the problem.
None of it is okay.
