If you know anything at all about narcissists, it’s their innate ability to gloss over anything that even remotely resembles a problem.
Their image will always be at the forefront of their minds, and if you have to suffer because of that, then so be it.
Within family dynamics with a narcissist, you will never not know what it’s like to live normally.
That’s because of these 12 family secrets they never want you to know.
#1 Image over wellbeing
For the narcissist, image is everything. How you feel within the family dynamics doesn’t matter one bit, but how you appear, how you speak of your family, how you portray family life – that does matter.
Long term, that’s a pretty hard life to live, especially when you see the many problems that arise because you have a narcissist in the fold.
If you keep smiling and acting as though you were born into perfection, the narcissist will be happy.
If you dare speak the truth or attempt to heal in any way, the narcissist will shame you for it, potentially even discarding you because you are shining a light on the abuse, and not the family package they’ve worked to perfection on.
#2 The golden child vs. the scapegoat
In every narcissistic family, there will be a golden child, and there will be a scapegoat. The only person who gets to decide who plays those roles, is the narcissist.
And yes, those roles can change depending on what happens and how those people subconsciously settle into them.
Both the golden child and the scapegoat will be pitted against each other, and usually that means a level of conflict I doubt any victim can prepare for.
Siblings go no contact or refuse to get along simply because the narcissist pulls the strings and makes the drama unfold.
If you were to ask a narcissist if this is the case, they will deny it. It is their secret to keep, but yours to now be made aware of.
#3 Family history is written
Will the narcissist be the hero or the victim? Let’s be honest, it’ll never be anything else, will it?
The narcissist writes the narrative, therefore has a huge say in what the family history looks like.
It won’t be how you remember it, but that’s the secret they won’t want let out of the bag.
If the truth stays under wraps, the narcissist can paint any alternative picture they want.
#4 Loyalty over truth
It doesn’t matter what the truth is, as long as you are loyal to what the narcissist wants to portray.
Smile, even when you are being abused the most. Forgive the narcissist, even when they turn your world upside down with pain and sorrow.
Underneath this layer of loyalty lies all the reasons why you should leave, but the narcissist demands you cover them up with all the reasons why you love them.
#5 They will never apologize
It’s clearly troubling that a narcissist will never apologize, but their biggest secret is that they don’t see you as important enough to apologize to.
Did you ever think too, that saying sorry means they’ve actually done something wrong in the first place?
That leaves them wide open to ridicule and a whole new level of accountability they will never be prepared for.
#6 Financial control is a silent too
And boy, does it dominate! A narcissist wants financial control of every aspect of your relationship, but will play dumb if you ask them outright if that’s what they’re doing.
It is a silent, yet powerful tool used to remind you who’s boss, and to leave you dependent on them for money or even permission to spend it.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
#7 Exposure is feared more than losing love
If you were to walk out on the narcissist and never speak their name again, they’d prefer that to you telling even one person the truth behind their toxic character.
They would sooner you left than any part of their game playing being made public, and sadly, that’s the truth here.
You know what’s worse? You could be their wife, their daughter, and they would still rather you up and went than speak their name negatively.
This might hurt, but it’s the same for every narcissist.
#8 The cycle repeats until somebody breaks it
It takes one person to break an entire system of narcissism that has been built up and displayed for years, decades, even generations.
From relatives long passed to the present moment, there has been a theme of narcissism running through the family name for so long that it is expected and ingrained into the system that somebody will exert those narcissistic tendencies.
Until one person says no.
That cycle is the narcissist’s best kept secret, and best hope for continued control. That is, until you or somebody else decides to break it.
#9 Secrets are weapons
Narcissists love to hold onto secrets, unless they can use them as weapons. This is where, unfortunately, life can get very dark for those on the receiving end.
If you have entrusted the narcissist with news or information, you will be in for a little trouble when they decide to accidently spill it to somebody else (all in good faith, according to them).
Your secrets are no longer secrets, and the narcissist becomes angry with you when you tell them that they shouldn’t have told other people.
What a strange way to behave to family, right?
#10 Love is conditional
You can only feel love, or know what true love is if you abide by the rules of the narcissist.
All the while you’re doing something right, you will be rewarded for it.
The moment you step back and try to do things your way, you will receive nothing but neglect and shame.
It’s a way for the narcissist to keep control of as much as they can, while showing you that love isn’t free.
Love in families should always be free in my eyes.
#11 The perfect family image shields chaos
The chaos behind the perfect family image is only held back by the strongest types of masks you can imagine.
That’s why narcissists are so obsessed with wanting to uphold that mask, pushing out to the world that perfection does exist.
The chaos is the secret, and you know that, because you have to live it on a daily basis.
Growing up can feel like you are trying hard to do what they say and be that perfect family, but as you get older, you see it was all a ploy to hide their abuse.
And it worked.
#12 You’re punished for having boundaries
Boundaries should be commended, not condemned. If you have strong, healthy boundaries, it means you have limits that you aren’t willing to surrender for anybody.
In families with narcissists, those boundaries are worn down until they come to nothing.
If you dare try to keep them, you are in some way creating trouble for the family.
In reality, all it means is you simply want to take control of your own life, but in doing that, the narcissist has zero say.
Well, is that a bad thing? According to them, yes!
