Narcissists can become parents. I know. Scary, right? They grow up from small manipulative people, to being in charge of small people who we really don’t want to become manipulative, just like their parents.
There are certain – very disturbing things – to look out for in narcissists when they become parents.
I know from hearing so many of your stories, and I want to bring them into the world right now.
We must not stay silent.
#1 Conditionally love you
Love, but only when it suits them.
Care, but only when you do something they deem worth caring about.
Give you attention, but only when you show them you’ve earned it.
Does that sound like love to you?
If it does, then you’ve probably been raised by a narcissist. If it doesn’t, you were either raised by good people, or you’ve learned a hard lesson.
Narcissists are disturbing people, and they will only love you if there are certain conditions attached. The rest of the time, you’re chasing it.
#2 Refuse to celebrate your success…
Narcissistic parents don’t want to celebrate anything you’ve achieved, because they think it’s not worth their time.
They will teach you that even when you succeed, you never really get their attention.
The time spent pining over them in those situations will pain you, but the truth is they can’t stand you getting the attention, while they get none.
So they will refuse your good news, and refuse to see why they solidly put you on the pedestal they want to always be on.
#3… Then complain that you aren’t driven
Then comes the really disturbing part. The part where the narcissistic parent complains that you aren’t driven when you stop wanting to succeed.
You have opportunities, sure, but you don’t take them up, because you know you will be alone in wanting a good outcome, and you forget how to celebrate yourself because nobody is teaching you how to do that.
It’s far easier for you to keep quiet, slip under the radar, and still be a problem for the narcissist.
And you will be criticized for floating by in life with no plan, and your narcissistic parent will wash their hands of you and treat you like you’re going nowhere fast.
#4 Still want control, long after you are a child
When you are young, your narcissistic parent will love having control over you.
They will love knowing that you are so impressionable, and will use that against you as often as they can.
The older you get, the more you will see this as a level of intolerance you’re no longer willing to stand by.
You will gain more and more independence, and that will become a huge problem to the narcissist who isn’t used to not having as much control over you.
Your ability to stand on your own two feet will be a huge block in their road, but they will still fight for that control where they can, even if it shames and guilts you along the way.
#5 Tell the world your secrets
Do you think what you have told the narcissist is sacred?
You went to the narcissistic parent for advice, only to be promised they will keep what you’ve told them to themselves?
Forget it.
They’re going to tell as many people as they can, and it will be you who has to learn the hard way.
#6 Spend time with you only when it suits them
If you have a narcissistic parent, then you will be strongly aware that getting them to spend time with you only works if they want to.
If you’re asking them to do something they don’t want to do, it’ll never happen.
This means a lot of the time, you are left alone to figure things out for yourself, and to fill up time in your own way.
Sadly, it can even mean you try to do what they want, just so it means you get to see them.
It shouldn’t be this way.
#7 Turn you into an anxious ball of mess
Narcissists are renowned for blowing hot and cold on their victims, and their own kids are no exception.
The constant shift in emotional temperatures means their kids end up a ball of mess, wondering what mood their parent will be in, doubting their own reality and seeing that confusion manifest day after day of anxiety that only grows with age.
#8 Use your kindness against you
It’s the kindness of a narcissist’s kids that will always be used against them.
You’ll do this for Mom, won’t you?
I think you love to help people, so you can come with me and help me.
Knowing you put other people before yourself even as a kid, you will be used for whatever you’ve got that they can abuse.
#9 Push you to do what they want you to do
In life, careers, hobbies and even school, narcissistic parents will get under your skin and sway you to make choices that may not resonate with you.
Because you see the pride in the potential that you could succeed in something, as a kid, you tend to go along with it because you can see how happy it makes them.
That’s worth more to you than anything, as you try so hard to please your narcissistic parent day after day that when you finally get an opportunity to do so, you snap it up, hoping they will finally love you unconditionally.
#10 Live vicariously through you
If they can’t do what they want to do, or wish they weren’t too old to live out their own wishes and goals they’ve always carried with them, a narcissistic parent will want you to be the torch bearer.
Living vicariously through their kids is such a common act, and what happens is, children lose their own way because they’re too busy trying to make up for all the things their own parent missed out on.
#11 Take credit when you do something well
Well you know, they only managed to pass because of how much I funded the course.
If it weren’t for my help and support, you wouldn’t be where you are now.
You get your intelligence from me.
These comments actually appear harmless to some people, but they are riddled with red flags.
Narcissistic parents make it impossible for their kids to achieve anything off their own back, without wanting some accolades and attention for themselves.
#12 Blow hot and cold, leaving you confused
The hot and cold of a narcissistic parent can happen several times in one day – that’s how crazy it can get for kids, so you can imagine how confusing it must be.
The blowing of hot and cold means as a kid, you won’t know how to feel, what to expect, or even what to ask for on a daily basis.
For me, this is a really painful way to be raised. Kids need warmth, love and consistency in order to feel safe, and the chopping and changing of emotions from their narcissistic parent will leave them in a constant state of alert, leaving their nervous system rattled and ruined.
