When the doors are closed, you assume you’re going to be safe in your own home. It should be a place you can relax and be yourself, and enjoy the company of your family.
For many, this is not the case. In fact, for those with narcissistic parents, it can become hell on earth as soon as that door closes.
I’ve got 12 disturbing things narcissistic parents can do as soon as that front door closes and nobody else is watching them.
#1 Spy on their kids
One of the most common disturbing things I often hear from people are their memories of being spied on as a kid.
I don’t necessarily mean when you’re five years old, but I do mean the older kids/teenage age.
Doors must be kept open at all times when friends are over, and then who did they spot standing in the doorway looking in and monitoring your time with those friends?
The narcissistic parent.
You’d see them hovering, making sure you were behaving yourselves or even seeing what kinds of things you were getting up to, and it felt weird and plain uncomfortable.
I hate to say it, but this kind of thing is pretty standard.
#2 Ignore achievements
What is more disturbing than ignoring the achievements of your kids?
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Normally, you think they’d be proud and shout from the rooftops about how well you’ve done, but no.
Narcissistic parents ignore what you achieve because they’re jealous of the attention it may attract.
They keep quiet because they know any attention on you is not attention on them.
They ignore you because they don’t know what it’s like to achieve something and feel proud, so they want to withhold that from you, too.
#3 Never knock before they enter their kids’ rooms
When you were home and in your room alone as a kid, I would bet that your narcissistic parent seldom knocked before they entered your space.
You’d hear the door handle, and they would stroll, as if boundaries were extinct (or never existed in the first place).
Never mind that you might be getting dressed, or just wanting a little time to study and concentrate.
Narcissists want that much control that they feel they’ve a right to access your space whenever they want.
#4 Yell
The nice act to the outside world is the only act they get to see, because when the doors are closed and the curtains are shut, you see the range of moods in reality.
Shouting, accusing, ignoring all come into play, but the raising of their voice is the one thing that sets it all apart.
If only you could shine a light on their behavior and prove to people that you live with somebody who can be vocally intimidating, but they’d never believe you.
This is a level of control common with abusers, who pick and choose who they show their real side to.
#5 Tell them they’re not doing enough
Why can’t you do more cooking?
Would it hurt you to tidy up more?
You are so lazy, you can’t even help a little bit.
This is constant, even if you do help. It’s just another way for narcissistic parents to make their kids feel like crap, and it works.
Nothing is ever good enough, even when you’re trying your best.
#6 Never offer to help
When you’re raising kids, it makes sense to offer your help when they need it.
They’re growing and needing guidance, and much of that has to come from those who have walked the shoes of childhood and adolescence before.
If you offer help as a parent with no condition, you’re more likely to raise kids who aren’t afraid to ask you for help.
Believe me, as they get older you will want them to turn to you rather than turn away.
As it goes, narcissistic parents don’t ever give that kind of support to their kids unless there’s something in it for them.
#7 Display their hot and cold marriage to their kids
What a sight to model love on, right? So many kids of narcissists have to watch their parents blow hot and cold one day after the next, and that’s got to be so confusing.
Not only do these narcissistic people set a standard, but they’re proving that love equates to abuse.
It does not.
But behind closed doors with a narcissist, anything goes. Sadly, it’s the kids who get the rough deal.
#8 Command attention and respect
It’s difficult to respect somebody who is mean, critical and cruel daily.
How can they stand there and act how they want while asking their children to do as they’re told, conform to the house rules, and always drop everything to give their parent attention at the click of a finger?
For me, it just doesn’t work. It shouldn’t work. That’s not how you raise good kids with good morals, either.
It just teaches them to respect abuse and keep quiet about what goes on behind closed doors, when the truth is so far away from that.
#9 Always pretend to be busy
Mom, can I ask you something?
Not now! I’m busy with the bills.
Dad, look at what I did at school today.
Uh-huh, yeah I’m kind of in the middle of something, here.
That deflation, gosh I feel it. I know it. You’d think they would give you just a little time every now and then at the least, but even that seems like asking for too much.
Why have kids if you’re not going to pay any attention to them?
#10 Criticize
It’s all smiles in the big, wide world, yet behind closed doors, narcissists will rip their kids apart and criticize them every day in some way.
From the clothes they wear, to the music they like, to the way they’re learning how to eat with a knife and fork, to the subjects they pick at school.
Every single thing from a very young age is up for being criticized, and narcissists will not miss out on a thing.
#11 Triangulate
If you’ve got siblings, you can bet your narcissistic parent will pit you against each other. It’s like a secret rule they have where there must be conflict in the house, and it has to look like it has nothing to do with them.
When you think about it, how many people do you know with siblings and a narcissistic parent who have a close bond?
Probably close to zero.
#12 Cap their kids’ happiness
There’s always this roof that narcissistic parents put on their kids’ happiness, isn’t there?
Calm down.
Don’t get too excited.
Okay, okay. Enough with the noise.
Stop laughing so much, it’s annoying.
Can you take this elsewhere? I’ve a headache.
From smiles to starchy silence, kids of narcissistic parents are never allowed to be too happy for too long.
Nobody should have to experience limited joy, especially in this world.
Kids should be carefree and can let go whenever they want to, but when it comes to narcissistic parents, that simply isn’t possible, because it isn’t allowed.
