Okay, show of hands time. How many of you are familiar with the term reactive abuse?
It’s thrown around a lot when it comes to narcissism, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to really get to grips with it.
This is your life, and if you’re being triggered, you’re going to need to know what reactive abuse is causing them.
Lucky for you, I’ve got 11 clear ways narcissists use it. Buckle up, this is an official trigger-free zone.
#1 Yelling after the provoke
Have you ever felt verbally cornered to the point where you just want to scream in their face?
I’m not saying that’s the right thing to do, but my goodness, what a conniving, manipulative plan to get you to flip and appear as the crazy one.
You get pushed and pushed so much that in the end, you just burst like a balloon with a sharp nail being thrust into it.
Was there a better way it could have been handled at the time? Sure. Maybe the narcissist didn’t have to goad you to your breaking point and then step back in astonishment as you release all that tension.
But they did. And that is reactive abuse.
#2 Insulting to wait for the name call
Insults are needless and cheap, yet they’re used by the narcissist frequently to provoke you to snap.
And as you do and call them whatever fruity name under the sun you can extract from your frazzled mind, that becomes the problem.
As you hurl that name, you’re revealing a part of you the narcissist doesn’t like. However, they want to see it from you so they can prove how imperfect you are, and where your faults lie.
I didn’t promise this was going to be a pretty list, did I?
#3 Being sarcastic/mocking
And you know what? They want exactly the same back, even though they hate it.
They want to show you how much they hate it when you do it back to them, so they can blame you for being out of character, or having a bad day.
The really terrible narcissists might even ask you if it’s your time of the month.
Remember, it’s only the narcissist who is allowed to be so upfront with their comments. The moment you throw any back, they will never let you forget about it.
And that’s their excuse here.
Remember the time you mocked me just because I couldn’t open a jar?
Remember when you were so sarcastic that it really made me upset?
It’ll be thrown back at you during all and any arguments thereafter, so prepare.
#4 Constantly shadowing until the victim blows
Shadows are at least silent in their quest to never leave your side. But narcissists? They speak, they hover, they linger and they prowl in your personal space until you yell.
Enough is enough!
Get out of my space!
Stop following me!
Why are you being so annoying right now?
You’ve got every right to not be happy with them.for being so intrusive, but let me make it clear. They’re literally doing it for your reaction.
I’m just trying to care.
No you’re not. You’re doing it to make me look like the bad guy.
#5 Phone harassment leading to blocking
When enough is enough, and you’ve spent all day having fired messages or calls from the narcissist to the point where it now constitutes harassment, what choice do you have?
You’ve got to make it stop, for your own emotional health. They push and push until you get to the point where your finger not only hovers over block, but actually presses it.
You feel instantly calmer, but this is what the narcissist wanted you to do. Now they get to tell everybody that you called a few times and you blocked them. That you’re unhinged. That you’re impatient and thoughtless.
And so it goes, right?
#6 Hitting until they’re hit back
Physical abuse is often seen as the worst kind because it’s instant and the signs of it are obvious to everybody else. I’d say all abuse is the worst kind, because none of it should be happening.
If you’re being physically attacked until you hit back, you’re in a very volatile situation where it could easily get to the point where somebody is seriously hurt.
It’s also very unpleasant to have to experience and witness physical altercations, which is something to bear in mind if you have kids together.
If you are being physically hurt, you need to find a way out of it as soon as possible.
#7 Labelling the victim needy after begging for peace
Narcissists can get you right where they want you and corner you until you literally beg them for peace after a fight.
You hear them shout sand shout, and all you want is to get along. You beg. “Please, just can’t we have a nice evening. I’ll do anything to make it happen. I can’t lose what we have and I want you to know that I care.”
Whatever. Listen to how desperate and needy you sound.
Boom. They got you right where they want you, and it feels so good to them.
#8 Silent treatment
How can anybody correctly interpret silence when they’re living with a narcissist? You can try, but you’re never going to get to the bottom of whatever they’re thinking because they will never tell you.
Instead, you’re left to your own thoughts, and that’s when you can overthink and start assuming what the problem is.
The narcissist loves to hear your assumptions, because they all act as worries you’ve got as to why they’re silent. And there you are, losing yourself over a very manipulative move they made.
#9 Claiming the victim is unstable for crying
Why should crying make you unstable? The narcissist will certainly spin it that way, don’t you worry.
You’ll sob real tears for your relationship and the person you thought loved you, and they will look at you with that raised brow.
You’re actually coming off really unstable, do you know that?
Pull yourself together.
Tears are exactly what they wanted so they can point the finger and tell you that you’re weak, triggering you to believe you are.
Well, you’re not.
#10 Claiming a slamming door is intimidating
There’s never been a time you’ve wanted to get away from the narcissist any more than this moment.
They’ve pushed you to the point where you need to leave the room, and in that momentary anger, you slam a door.
Wait, what did you just do? Slam a door in the narcissist’s face? They will be aghast, but underneath that show, they’ll be pleased you did it, so they can tell you how intimidating they found it.
How dare you exert a little anger over a situation you tried to avoid!
#11 Goading a “text in anger” situation
They want that text. What for, you might ask? The answer is going to make you wish you never even started typing.
Imagine the narcissist having proof that you have sent something mean to them. Imagine them fully locked into the audience they have, passing your phone around and saying, “This is what I have to put up with.”
Immediately, you’re the bad guy and they’re the victim. Do you think that’s representative of the actual truth?
Of course it isn’t. But they love knowing that they have evidence to the contrary.
