When you’re trying to have a difficult conversation with a narcissist, your first thought is likely to be, “Why is this such an uphill slog?!”
It feels that way because narcissists do all they can to avoid such things, and the more you dig for communication, the more they will push you away.
If you weren’t already aware, there are a lot of ways to actively avoid talking when it matters.
The next time you have to approach them, I want you to be aware of each and every trick they will pull on you to escape what you’re saying.
It’s time to get a step ahead!
#1 Changing the subject
What a great move by the narcissist to avoid a conversation that makes them marginally uncomfortable!
For years you haven’t spotted this. You’ve gone along with it. When you raise the subject of feeling neglected and they ask you, “Did you want to get your favorite takeaway for dinner?”, you’ve sidestepped with them.
Well, they seem to have acknowledged what I’ve said by remembering that I love that food place.
No, they didn’t. They wanted to butter you up and make you leave the conversation in real time with them so they didn’t have to speak about such ‘deep’ things.
Changing the subject is really sneaky, but narcissists know just how to do it without looking too obvious. That’s why it’s worked all this time.
I’m glad I could clear things up for you.
#2 Raging at you
Noise makes people do weird things, doesn’t it? If a person you know is making a lot of noise, you might be inclined to want to do all you can to stop it.
People-pleasing your way through rage attacks is a common way to try to de-escalate a fiery situation.
Let’s get it clear, though. When a narcissist is raging at you, they’re making a lot of noise to cover up something else.
Even if that thing is peace, they want to put a stop to it. They understand that you’re approaching them for a conversation they find intimidating for some reason, so they make it all about noise instead.
Suddenly, what you wanted to talk about doesn’t even matter.
#3 “I’m exhausted, can we do this another time?”
Oh, yeah. That’s a great way to get out of a sticky talk, isn’t it?
Being tired can be a good reason to say, “You know what? Can we sit and chat about this in the morning? I am exhausted from work and I want to be present for you.”
You’re giving that person the chance to catch you firing on all cylinders. But that’s not how narcissists operate.
Instead, they reach for the exhaustion card so they can not only get out of that chat, they also get you saying, “Oh my goodness, of course. I’m sorry you’re so tired. Is there anything I can do for you?”
The desire to please them takes over your desire for an honest, perhaps difficult talk.
#4 “It’s been a long, stressful day”
Long, stressful days happen to us all. I know that’s usually a good time to put a note on an important talk and say, “Another time.”
It’s also a great excuse, similar to point #3. The stressful part will initiate a similar form of sympathy from you, as you will be more concerned with their well being than what you have to say.
You won’t want to make the day any more complicated, so you agree to be quiet.
Which is where the narcissist likes you the most.
#5 Denial
What better way to shut down or avoid a conversation entirely than denying what you’re trying to say?
It’s especially frustrating for those who want to get to the bottom of something.
Maybe they didn’t say or do something for you, or maybe you’re caught up in a loop of general unfair treatment.
You want to use your voice, so you do. But it seems pointless if the narcissist looks at you like they have no idea what you’re talking about.
It can be a really lonely place to be with somebody who refuses to even see a problem let alone want to fix it.
#6 Just off out…
Wait, you mean to tell me that you caught them at a bad time? What a coincidence! You wanted to talk right as they had one foot out the door.
And again, the next day, you try again but guess what? They’re just out to meet a friend, or go to a work meeting, or walk the dog because it needs to pee…
It’s a feeble attempt to avoid a difficult conversation, and trust me, they can only keep this one up for so long.
#7 Eye roll… “Again?!”
Making you out to be the bad guy because you insist on raising the same subject with them repeatedly will mean you get to see that infamous eyeroll the narcissist has perfected.
Really? I thought we literally discussed this yesterday.
Why do you keep wanting to talk about this?
What aren’t you understanding?
Realistically, you didn’t talk. If you did, you’d not need to go in again, would you? Never let the narcissist trick you into believing something difficult has been resolved if it hasn’t.
#8 Shutting down: nothing to give
Silence.
Hello? Are you hearing me?
Nothing. The narcissist knows how to act as if you are talking at them instead of with them, even if you aren’t.
Making you feel as though you’re just too much will naturally give you the inclination to back off and stop what you’re saying.
Which works out well for them!
#9 Blocking you
If you’re reaching out to them in ways that aren’t in person, the narcissist will gladly block you, switch their phone off, or completely ghost you.
It’s amazing to me that if you did this to them, you’d never hear the end of it.
If the shoe were on the other foot and they wanted to avoid a conversation they didn’t like the sound of, you’ve got no way of getting through to them.
#10 Projecting back at you: the blame shift
Why are you trying to discuss this with me?
You know this is all you, right?
You want to tell me off for that? You do it all the time!
How quickly a narcissist can throw their fault back at you, making out like you’re the one who does it.
Shifting the blame like this causes victims to look introspectively at themselves and believe they are the problem. This happens all too often for my liking.
#11 Laughing at your attempt for transparency
Look at you trying to be assertive.
You know it doesn’t suit you to be this open.
Oh here, she comes with her attitude.
It’s like the narcissist knows the exact time to mock you out of the courageous position you’ve put yourself in.
You want honesty, but instead you get laughed at for trying to have a little gumption to get the ball rolling.
And then what? You guessed it…
End of conversation!
