You want to leave, you pack your bags, and you walk out. You’re finally free.
While you might not have done those things yet, the image swirls regularly around in your mind.
You can’t wait for the day, but why does it feel as though you keep being pulled back into the narcissistic fray?
Because that’s exactly what’s happening.
You’re trapped, and you’re about to learn the patterns causing it.
Here are 11 ways all narcissists keep their partners from leaving.
#1 “You’re so unloveable”
The age old idea that you’re not good enough for anybody else in the entire world is as much garbage as it is plain mean. Who in their right mind (especially if they say they love you) is going to say that to you?
This is harsh for just so many reasons, but it’s hard when you’re programmed to believe a narcissist, this will also work in the same way.
You will believe this, too, and it will make you fearful of leaving and eventually finding somebody else.
You should know that you don’t need anybody lined up in order to leave somebody, but you do need to love yourself enough to believe that you have a happy ending somewhere.
#2 “It’s a scary world out there”
Or so you’re taught. The narcissist will make the world appear like a place of fear, rather than a place of opportunity.
You will assume that the safest place is home with them, and as you do, they get what they want…
You staying.
Believing the world is scary will only reinforce other beliefs that you shouldn’t try new things, or that any kind of growth or change is bad for you.
It absolutely is not.
#3 “You don’t need to work. I’ll take care of you”
If they can keep you in the house, then you will see less people. If you see less people, you have less people to talk to.
If you have less people to talk to, you’re less likely to divulge relationship information that may present as red flags to other people.
Do you see where I’m going with this? If you’re not working, you’re staying home.
That also cuts a huge chunk of your independence away from you, making you depend more on the person who is actually abusing you.
#4 “If you love me, I will hurt myself”
It’s a pretty serious way for a narcissist to keep you from leaving, but is sadly a reality in many abusive relationships.
The idea that you can keep somebody from leaving by telling them that they will harm themselves if they do is beyond problematic, and far from normal.
If you’re experiencing this kind of threat, it’s important to know that you are not responsible for anything another person does to this extreme. It’s also important to reach out and get support if you can.
#5 Isolation? Sure!
If you were surrounded by people who had some kind of opinion about the person you’re with, it shouldn’t be a problem if that person was nice and cared for you.
Trouble brews when victims of abuse start speaking up to their support systems, and that support system replies with, “You need to leave, this isn’t right!”
In order to prevent this, narcissists will not hesitate in isolating you. Telling you that your friends are not true friends, or that your parents try to control you and you’re better off without them. They will do all the tricks to keep you alone.
You then learn to believe the narcissist, trust them and depend on them more heavily and heavily, and you have nobody to tell you that what’s going on is abusive.
#6 Divorce limbo
Divorcing a narcissist is like ripping off the world’s most painful band aid in slow motion.
Rather than get it done quickly, they will slow the entire process down, causing delay after delay.
When you want to move on with your life and put this all behind you, you’re forced to become trapped in the worst kind of limbo possible.
It’s to keep you from leaving as fast as you want to, and is a way of punishing you for being the cause of the divorce (even though you weren’t).
#7 “I need you”
In what way does a narcissist need you, you think. They aren’t giving you any kind of good vibe from the relationship, they treat you poorly, and they discard you when they feel like it.
The silent treatment is painful, the mocking is too much, the criticism is constant, so what is this?
This is the narcissist pretending you have pride of place in their heart, and you mistake this neediness as love, when in reality they need your supply.
This has nothing to do with wanting to be with you because they care.
#8 “You need me”
Again, let’s be clear. You don’t need anybody. You’ve been programmed to rely heavily on them, and they act as though they’re the reason that you’re living and breathing.
They want to feel that important, and assert their power over you whenever possible.
It’s not true. You don’t need an abuser in your life, and sadly I feel I need to be the one to tell you that’s exactly what they are.
Telling you that you need them will keep you thinking, “Oh my God. I can’t live and manage without them.”
Trust yourself more, and you know you can do this without them.
#9 The hoovering starts over
They see you slipping away, so they try anything to stop it.
If that means breaking out the same old routines all over again, that’s exactly what they will do.
Taking you out, treating you to an expensive meal or weekend away.
Telling you that you’re the best thing in the world, buying you a new set of earrings – whatever their tricks are – they will come for you.
You have to see past the pretense and understand the underlying motive.
#10 Kids
It’s true, sadly. Having kids with a narcissist will be their excuse for you to not leave.
They will sell you the dream that you’re a family, but not treat it with any kind of respect.
I know from speaking to huge numbers of people that this is a big issue, and one that is complex to each individual.
If a person is having babies with you in order to keep you close to them, it won’t end well.
And the kids, as much as you might not want to admit it, will suffer from being in this kind of environment.
#11 Threats
Is there anything worse than hearing a threat from the person you’re in a relationship with?
Threats stem from weak, spineless bullies who break all the moral codes to try to keep you close by.
If you leave, I will find you!
You’ll regret walking out on me, trust me!
You’re going to walk into a whole lot of trouble if you leave.
And so what? Victims stay. They’ve seen the anger from the narcissist before, and they don’t want it to multiply.
But fear isn’t a reason to stay in a situation that should be safe and loving, right?
