The weirdest thing is, you didn’t sign up to any rules. You don’t recall being handed a contract to agree with, yet here you are, being forced to abide by these unspoken – and unfair – terms and conditions. Welcome to life with a narcissist.
The hidden rulebook a narcissist is never without, involves you having to do as they tell you, while they live however they want with zero rules applying to them.
It’s a system that enriches their obsession with control, but these 11 unspoken rules you’re forced to follow will only serve to lessen your identity and self-worth, while their satisfaction grows bigger and bigger.
#1 Whatever Needs You Have Do Not Count
I’m sorry. I want to apologize for all these unspoken rules, and so accept my apology for all of them now.
They aren’t pleasant, but my aim isn’t to make you feel terrible about yourself.
In fact, I want you to realize your worth, and in knowing them all, you should hopefully see that you are worth more than all of it put together.
Your needs. They just don’t count. They’re not important. They never were, and they never will be.
If you spend your life with a narcissist, you’ll spend your life dancing to the beat of their drum. Your drum will be burned, or sent out to goodwill.
Everything about you will be inconvenient until it can be used. Any pain you have will be considered dramatic.
If you want something, you can forget that, too, because it’s going to be totally unreasonable. Do you see the pattern here?
#2 I Am Never Wrong
Don’t we know it! You spend every waking moment of every day having to hear these tiresome words from the narcissist.
Even if you provided them with an FBI standard of evidence, they will find a way to rewrite or renarrate what you are trying to insinuate.
And that doesn’t mean you remembered the conversation differently, it just means the narcissist wants you to apologize for what you’re trying to do to them, and never make that mistake ever again.
#3 Loyalty Is Only for You to Offer, Not Them
You need to be loyal, and if you aren’t, the narcissist will make your life hell, and even discard you.
So what does that look like for you? You have to defend them. You need to prioritize them. You ask no questions, but you have to stand by them.
Here’s the part where you groan inwardly:
If you ask for the same support, the rules change.
You are not entitled to the narcissist’s loyalty, not now, not ever.
#4 Your Fears Turn Into Their Weapons
For every fear you have shared bravely with the narcissist, they gather another piece of ammunition for the future.
This isn’t usually immediate. The narcissist can’t be seen to be that obvious, but trust me, it’s coming, and it will be when you least expect it.
They just love to catch you off guard and release their ammo when it serves them best.
For you, that’s a pretty lonely existence, right? I mean, you’re left wondering who to trust, if it isn’t the person you’re in a relationship with.
#5 Angry? You? Not Allowed!
Wait a hot minute! You mean to tell me you have an emotion that might disturb the narcissist? This is not permitted!
Now here’s the thing. The narcissist can be as angry as they like. They can rage, sulk, shout, accuse you, even punish you with this angry silence – but you?! You have to comply, and any emotion they don’t like will be off the table.
In fact, they will paint your anger as you being unstable and difficult to be around.
You swallow it. You keep it in. And before long, your mind and body have to carry it around like a heavy weight. All to keep the narcissist happy.
#6 Love Has to Be Earned Every Single Day
It will come as a surprise to those who saw that love from the narcissist was so free-flowing when they first met. But I want to tell you, that was nothing but love-bombing in action.
Now that’s faded, you’ve got to earn it like it’s your new job. And it takes up energy. You are trying to claw back things that weren’t even real to begin with, which is the worst part of it all.
This is no way to live, and again, I am sorry.
#7 You Are the Emotional Handler for Everybody
The narcissist is allowed to be upset, and in return for their dramatic displays, you have to pat them on the back, listen, and support them. In fact, you’re looked at as the person whose job it is to fix their pain.
When you’re upset, it’s also your job to fix yourself, too. Doesn’t that sound like the most ridiculous thing?
That’s down to the narcissist not seeing you as worthy enough of their time and emotions, and so you just have to learn to figure it out for yourself.
#8 If You Ask Questions, You May as Well Admit Your Betrayal
If you question the narcissist, you’re guilty of betraying them.
What do you mean you don’t believe me?
How could you be so cruel?
The best thing you’ve learned to do is smile and take it on the chin. Only that’s a lot of takes for a chin that is getting beaten around. If you’re too firm, this will be your punishment.
You’re the problem, yet again.
#9 Your Availability Must Be 24/7
Day, night, no matter the day. You are in demand, and for all the wrong reasons.
It is an unspoken rule that you have to be there for the narcissist, and drop whatever it is you’re doing to prove your love for them.
If they are available to you (on the rare occasion), it’s under condition, and it feels like some kind of reward.
To punish you? You guessed it. Their availability is taken away.
#10 You Are Not Permitted to Leave
The moment you try to go, you’ll be stopped. The narcissist will do this by reverting back into the person you fell in love with, so you see all the roses and love again. They will threaten to harm themselves. They will attack you.
Their aim is to keep you in their system of abuse, so in an unspoken way, you have to stay, with no way out in sight.
These rules are never about you, they’re about how far the narcissist can go in order to have all the control, while you suffer.
#11 They Can Spend Money You Are Banned From Even Knowing About
Don’t you know it’s one rule for them, and another for you?
Money is another way narcissists do that. They can spend it on whatever they want, but you?
You are banned. If you spend a dollar, you’re asked what it was on, and why you needed to spend it. So you learn to go without, even on the essentials.
You shower quickly, you wash your hair with cheap shampoo, all to keep a peace that should be there anyway.
