I know they won’t like to admit it.
Through their massive ego and the way they act like they don’t need anybody…
…But they do. Of course they do. They are nothing without your supply, and there are 12 things they badly need from you.
If you’re surprised, then don’t be. Narcissists are always trying to catch you off guard. They love to damage your soul, but yet they still want so much from you.
So how does that work?
I’ll show you.
Wait, What?
I know it seems crazy to think a narcissist needs you for something.
They usually seem so… independent. They don’t accept any help from others, and they’re just fine alone, thank you very much.
But this hits differently, and these answers actually aren’t going to come from me.
I asked 11 clients this question, and they all gave me different answers based on their experience of a long and painful marriage with a narcissist.
I will disguise their names, but their answers are going to be, and should be, made public for you to see.
#1 Love
When I was married, my narcissistic husband would always want me to show him that I loved him.
It was as if he couldn’t survive without the constant reminder that he was admired.
I think it did two things to him. It made him feel like he had a place in the world, like he was always deprived of love.
It also pumped up his ego. “Look how much Sarah loves me, I must be amazing.”
That would be what he would put out into the world, anyway. I didn’t get love on the same level back. Not ever.
Sarah.
#2 Time
I always think time is so precious. We’re only here for a certain amount of it, and we should make sure we spend it doing things we love.
I thought that was the case with my ex-wife. I tried to do everything for her.
I gave up playing darts. I stopped going to football games. I dedicated all that time back to her, and quickly realized that I was no longer living for me.
I’m all for compromise, but it was as if she just took more and more of my time, no matter how that made me feel.
David.
#3 Attention
Not a day went by without my ex-husband wanting my attention. If the grandkids were over, his favorite thing to do was feign a bad back.
It was his go-to, and even my daughter and son-in-law started to notice.
It was all because my attention was instead on a two and six year old. Could you imagine a grown man being jealous of their own grandchildren?
That was my life for over forty years, and eventually I had enough. I had to leave.
Tessa.
#4 Forgiveness
I don’t think my marriage would have lasted twenty-six years if I hadn’t been such a forgiving husband.
My ex-wife cheated on me four times, and one affair lasted over a year. I only found out because he turned up at our front door.
I kept forgiving her because I believe I loved her. In reality, I suppose I just didn’t want to be alone.
I’ve now realized I already felt alone, so what difference would it make? At least if I left, I’d find peace in a home where I could make it meaningful for me.
So that’s what I did.
Anthony.
#5 Obedience
My ex-husband was happy all the while I did what he asked me to. If I smiled and played along, everything would feel like it was running along smoothly.
I’d cook his dinner, let him go to the gym every other night, and not question why he was always late home from work.
I defended him, remained loyal, all the while he was abusive to me.
He lived his life happily as long as I let him. The moment I stopped, that’s when the problems started. Soon after, I realized I wasn’t living for me at all.
Kate.
#6 Sadness
I remember coming home from work the day I was made redundant, and my ex-wife laughed.
When I asked her what was funny, she said it was that she’d never seen me upset before.
There was me worrying about how the next mortgage payment would be made, and she stood there finding it funny.
As long as I was unhappy, she was loving it.
Nick.
#7 Success
At times, your success can be a good thing to the narcissist. I know most of the time you’ll notice the jealousy creeping in, but on occasions, the narcissist will like to take ownership of your achievements.
When I finally passed my nursing course, the narcissist gave a speech at my party in front of all our families and friends.
If it weren’t for me and all the sacrifices I made, Jen would never have gotten this far.
I can still feel my face warm now. I was so embarrassed. It took me four years to finish it and qualify. Yet he somehow wanted to reap the rewards.
Jen.
#8 Failure!
When I saw the perfect job for me, I had to apply. I knew I was qualified for it, and it ticked all my boxes.
Great pay, great perks, great hours, and it meant I could finally be doing what I wanted.
I didn’t get the job, only because they picked somebody internally. I was disappointed and I suppose it was pretty obvious to my then wife, who made several comments when I got home to make it worse.
You honestly didn’t think you’d be successful, did you?
It was a job completely out of your depth.
You wouldn’t have lasted five minutes.
It felt like she was rubbing salt in the wound.
Bryan.
#9 Loyalty
My ex-husband constantly asked me to defend him, even when I knew he was wrong.
We need to stick together.
Never let anybody know we’re struggling.
What happens in this house is private.
I don’t want my business around town.
So when people questioned me about him and his attitude, I’d make excuses for him.
I’d say he had a bad day, or that he was under a lot of stress at work, or that you just had to get to know him better.
It diffuses conflict with others, while he was still allowed to act up.
Diane.
#10 To Prioritize Them
If I didn’t drop everything for her, there would be hell to pay.
I still find it triggering to talk about, but I know this will help others.
I never knew how to put myself first in her presence. She needed my constant attention so she always felt important, and it stripped everything from me.
Ed.
#11 Your Willingness to Remain Silent
If I ever tried to tell anybody about how abusive Ian was, I knew there would be trouble.
That’s why I didn’t bother. Ian knew I’d keep quiet, and he knew that he could get away with treating me the way he did.
He was a bully, and I am finally in a place where I can heal.
He no longer gets my silence in exchange for his desires.
Elizabeth.
