The toughest decision anybody has to make is to choose not to allow their narcissistic parent to have access to their kids.
As soon as these people become grandparents, they double the dose of entitlement, double the games, double the attention-seeking behaviors, and double the trouble.
And I get it. You don’t want your kids around it, and nor should you. The decision is easy, but it’s laced with foundations that don’t feel natural, and that’s what makes it so hard.
If you want validation to know you’re making a wise choice, I’ve got 11 reasons why you should keep that narcissistic grandparent away from your kids.
#1 They undermine your authority
No longer are you that little child looking to your narcissistic parent, ready to take the next order or critical comment.
You’re an adult, and a parent at that! The dynamics have shifted with age, but to the narcissist, the same old games apply.
Now you’re the voice of authority, and you plan on doing it so differently to how you were raised.
I commend you for that, but the narcissist doesn’t. In fact, they still see you as a child, therefore they feel it’s their right to still maintain authority over you, which totally undermines the authority you have over your kids.
To your narcissistic parent you’re not important, and you don’t get to make decisions.
They feel your children are under their orders in the same way you were, because they see your children as nothing but an extension of you.
They’re not. They are their own little people, and you make the rules.
#2 Gaslighting your kids
If it wasn’t bad enough that you spent your life so far being gaslit by your narcissistic parent, now you have to endure your kids being gaslit by them, too.
These little people are trying to make sense of the world, figuring it all out and being curious, only to have their reality snatched from them.
No, you don’t like those. Eat these instead.
You don’t want to play outside, stay indoors.
I think you’re being a little too sensitive, don’t you?
You’re overreacting, just do as you’re told.
Wait a hot minute. You may have had to tolerate this kind of behavior as a kid, but your own kids shouldn’t have to.
#3 Playing favorites between siblings
This one hurts, and is so confusing for the children who see blatant treatment (or mistreatment) going on right before them.
What did I do wrong?
Why did they get two scoops of ice cream and I only got one?
How come they got more allowance?
Why don’t they want to see me, too?
You’re the one having to answer the awkward questions, or protect them from what they are inevitably witness to.
And you’re sick of it.
#4 Boundary violations
Kids are learning so much as they grow up, and one of the most important things is what boundaries are.
I know as adults we can struggle, but kids need to know all about safe spaces, values, personal space and what they will and will not put up with.
It’s no wonder they get so confused when the narcissist comes along and violates them in the same way they do to everybody else.
And what’s a kid to do? Let them, because they are still trying to learn the tools to prevent it. They can only do that when they’re a safe space away from the narcissistic grandparent.
#5 Invalidating your kids’ feelings
All that work you try to spend validating your kids and giving them the childhood you never had, and the second they get to be around them, it’s all undone.
It is so exhausting when the damage you’re undoing is reversed, and it’s why a lot of parents who have a narcissistic parent just give up and say no more.
I can safely say I hear almost daily from people who have made the choice to go no contact with their parent in order to keep them from being the one who says things like:
Come on, stop crying, it was nothing.
That didn’t hurt, what are you talking about?
I don’t care if you’re sad that you have to go to bed, just go.
You think you did a good job? I don’t think you did at all.
It’s not cool to see history repeat itself.
#6 Turning your child against you
I see this all the time.
Mommy is very strict and I don’t think it’s fair, do you?
Why doesn’t Daddy let you? Well, you can with Grandma.
Did your parents let you have a say, or did they just decide for you?
Well, you should tell Mommy and Daddy how mean they are.
I feel uncomfortable even writing these, because I know it happens out there on a daily basis for a lot of you. It’s no wonder you choose to keep your kids away from these people.
#7 Shaming your child
What right has anybody got to shame your child? What did your child do to them that was so wrong, they felt they had no choice but to go there and make the situation even worse?
Look at the state of you, you’re not going out like that, are you?
Why don’t you cut your hair once in a while?
Do you call that top standard homework?
You can’t even use your knife and fork properly.
I’m sorry, but no. It’s a hard pass for me if you think you’re spending time with my kids and talking to them like that.
There’s the door!
#8 Making love conditional
Grandad loves it when you keep quiet when his favorite shows are on.
Grandma won’t be happy if you don’t eat all your dinner, so show her how much you love her cooking.
If you can’t tidy up after yourself, then you get no hugs from me at bedtime.
What exactly is anybody teaching children when they say these kinds of comments?
It really is purely based on one kind of motive, and that’s for the narcissist grandparent to get what they want from the child. Love was never there.
#9 Triangulating relationships
I’m not very happy with your dad for not telling me about your sports day.
You know, your mom doesn’t really like you playing netball, but she’s too afraid to tell you.
Little comments that slip into conversation pave the way for potential fallouts, and narcissists are really good at planting those seeds in kids.
It’s easier sometimes to cut the source of toxicity and live a life without them trying to get between you and your kids before it ends up getting worse.
#10 Refusing to respect your rules
Your rules are there for a reason, and if your own parents can’t respect them, then they need to be out of the picture before the stress eats you alive.
Narcissists never respect rules, they never have. So the best way for you to deal with a repeating offender is to offer them isolative jail time away from their grandkids.
Listen, if you need to do it, you need to do it.
#11 Damaging the child’s self-esteem
For what? What exactly is this achieving other than yet another generation of kids who grow to be adults with no confidence or self-esteem?
That self-belief needs to grow every day, not shrink. If you’re witnessing opportunities for them to be cruel, then you are giving yourself all the reasons to put an immediate stop to it.
Many people do, and let me tell you, they have zero regrets.
