If you aren’t happy, just leave.
You can’t stand for that!
You can’t be with somebody who abuses you.
You need to end things today.
It all sounds so easy to some, doesn’t it?
Women stay with abusive men every day, even though they are directly conscious of the fact that they’re abusive.
The question many have is… why?!
I hope these eleven reasons help a lot of you out there who may be in this situation…
…Fast.
All Too Often
It’s a frequent story I hear.
I can’t leave him.
Then comes the reasons why, and some really are terrifying.
It’s not down to us to question or judge why women stay with abusive men, but it is my job to tell you why they stay.
Women Stay With Abusive Men: Here Are 11 Reasons Why
1. They’re Told They’re Worthless
When somebody is told every single day of their lives that they’re worthless, eventually that’s going to be that person’s reality.
Not only will they feel worthless, but they will play that role.
Everything they do will be based on this instilled worthlessness, and that includes the ability to know when to leave an abusive situation.
It’s a huge reason why women stay with abusive men, but I cannot stress enough how damaging this is to believe.
Nobody is worthless. How can they be? But believing your abuser comes from several different games played:
- They isolate you so you don’t have people contradicting the worthlessness
- They may tell you to quit your job so you have no professional relationships either
- They criticize you to the point where nothing you say or do is right
- They tell you how incapable you are of cooking, or keeping the house clean, or presenting yourself nicely – the list goes on
- They control what you think and feel by gaslighting you
2. Intimidation
Intimidation is outright bullying, isn’t it? But there are subtle ways abusers intimidate, and it doesn’t always have to be loud or aggressive.
- Slamming doors
- Throwing things across the room
- Standing in a way that crowds somebody else or blocks their personal space
- Acting as if they’re going to blow up at any given moment
- The silent treatment
- Direct threats
- Shouting/rage/anger attacks
It’s all bullying, and it’s all to do with keeping you in line. They want to remind you that they’re powerful, and that you should do as they say or there will be trouble.
3. Lack of Other Options
Not having anywhere else to go is a real problem for so many women in abusive relationships.
With the cost of living soaring worldwide and no end in sight, it’s a problem when it comes to people staying somewhere they shouldn’t.
There are dozens of charities out there ready and waiting to help women stuck with abusive men, but the idea of having to talk through what’s going on and have it become a reality can put a lot of them off.
4. Fearful of Independence
When you’ve had your independence stolen from you throughout your abusive relationship, it’s hard to know where you’re going to start when you think about going it alone.
You need me!
You’d never be able to survive on your own!
You’re too needy to be by yourself.
Hearing phrases like this will eventually have a huge impact on victims of abuse. Being frightened to leave stems from not believing they can build a life for themselves.
This is one occasion where impossibility is nothing but a manipulation of thought.
5. They Have a Desire to Help or Fix
It’s normal to want to fix somebody broken if that’s where you found your worth as a child.
This is where most people find their people-pleasing traits begin. As adulthood progresses, they look for the people who need fixing, so they can find their purpose within that relationship.
Many women do this – and that’s why they stay.
6. The Trauma Bond
The abused person will always have an attachment to the abuser, especially during relationships that involve having cycles.
Think of the cycle as having moments of ebb and moments of flow. One minute the tide is rushing in, the next it’s rushing out.
It doesn’t stay the same, but it’s a familiar pattern that people anticipate and even plan for.
This is similar to the cycle of abuse. And it’s what women stay for. They wait for things to improve, and each time it does, they think it’ll be fine forever.
It never is.
7. Children: Fear of Losing Them
Children that get caught up in the middle of toxic relationships go through a lot. If the woman is the victim, it’s natural for her to want to protect them.
Her choices are:
Do I go, and risk him applying for partial or full custody so I can’t be there for them half the time or more, or do I stay?
Do I go, and risk him turning my kid against me and blaming me for the separation, or do I stay?
It doesn’t have to be either or, but the panic that women feel will take over and cause them to outstay the unhealthy relationship.
8. Oblivious to the Abuse
It’s funny how something so terrible can soon become a normal part of somebody’s life.
Because you have nothing to compare it to, you stay. Because familiar yet toxic is better than unfamiliar and safe, you stay.
Being oblivious to abuse doesn’t detract from the abuse. It simply allows it to continue for as long as possible.
9. Nobody Would Believe Her
Women always stay because they fear nobody will believe them if they leave or ask for help. This is where the abuser paints a very different picture to the one he is at home.
Making it difficult to be validated doesn’t give women any hope at all and by default, they just find it easier to stay where they are and continue to be abused.
10. Religious Purposes
Religion, culture, and beliefs are deeply rooted in many faiths and walks of life, and it’s never my job or opinion to judge anybody this way.
In some walks of life, marriage is an assumed role women will undertake and value. Not only that, but to love, honor, and obey is taken seriously by some, no matter where you’re from or what you believe in.
So, to leave would cause the entire family injustice or embarrassment, so women stay.
11. Love
But I love him.
Love isn’t abuse and pain, it’s the complete opposite. What victims here don’t understand is that it is an attachment, and those attachment bonds are extremely hard to break when you have little to no support or awareness.
Love is not abuse, and abuse is no reason to stay.
