When you want to gain control over a narcissist, the one thing that will carry you there is to be able to have and maintain boundaries.
I’m not kidding you when I say they will change your life, even if they drive the narcissist crazy.
Boundaries can be simple, you don’t need to overthink them, but you do need to be consistent.
Want to give it a try? Start with these 11 simple boundaries.
#1 “No”
No is the most classically simple boundary to have, and I completely understand how difficult it is for people who aren’t used to using the word.
All your life you’ve been trained to agree, or say yes just to please somebody, to keep the peace, or for an easy life.
Yes becomes not only your middle name, but also what others expect you to say when they come to you and tell you that you need to do something, or help them, or be at a place, or act a certain way.
If you don’t like it, you swallow that and just smile and go along for the ride, in the hope that you will be appreciated.
You will never be appreciated. You will just continue to be used until you start to say no.
Will it drive them crazy? Of course! They will be taken aback by your assertiveness, but you have to do it for yourself.
#2 “Yes”
I know you are probably thinking, “But I was just told to say no!”
That’s right. But sometimes, you need to say yes when you are used to saying no, and this is a boundary you can’t ignore. Saying yes can usually come down to ways you put yourself first.
Yes, I will get that early night and not engage in your drama.
Yes, I will take myself for a bubble bath rather than be at your beck and call.
Yes, I will go to that job interview and not listen to you telling me I’ll never get the position.
Sometimes, yes matters, and it shouldn’t be ignored.
#3 “I am not engaging further”
There always comes a point where you have to stop being drawn into the games the narcissist loves to play.
They will do absolutely anything to keep you fighting with them, and to keep yourself on total edge. They want to see the version of you that is reliant on their mood to create your own.
When you stop engaging, you stop playing into their power, and you instead give it back to yourself.
That will drive them crazy, plus it shows you have a cut off line and you intend on sticking to it.
#4 “I’ll get back to you when I can”
Hands up who drops everything to pander to the narcissist in their life? You get a call or a text at an awkward time, but you make it even more awkward by stopping what you’re doing to answer or reply.
Don’t.
They can wait. They’re adults, they need to learn that they are not the most important person on the planet.
Getting back to them at a time that suits you works so much better for your boundaries, and you should keep to that.
Your wellbeing won’t regret it!
#5 “I won’t talk with you if you shout at me”
Why should anybody continue conversing with a person who has no clear indication if remaining calm, or wanting an actual two-way communication opportunity?
Shouting gets people nowhere, but of course it’s exactly what narcissists love to do. It’s a ‘power’ thing. “My voice is loud therefore it is the most important one.”
Rubbish.
If you implement a simple boundary of not talking if you’re shouted at, you’re cutting those chances the narcissist wants to lure you into conflict.
The power suddenly shifts to you – something they’re not used to – and that will drive the narcissist crazy.
#6 “Do not touch my things without my permission”
They’re your things. Nobody should be touching them without your permission, least of all a narcissist who is only out to either hide your possessions, ruin them in some way, or steal them entirely.
Narcissists can’t be tried with anything, so it’s no surprise they love to overstep and take what’s yours. It’s part of the entitlement they feel they were born with, but you’re there to remind them otherwise.
And you know what? If they don’t like this boundary, they know what they can do.
#7 “Do not call me names”
Narcissists love to slide names into conversations with you. They do it so often that you have grown so used to it, but that doesn’t make it right.
So what names have you been called over time? What kind of labels have been thrown at you? Do you think it’s a good idea to stay quiet when this happens? For the sake of what?
Name calling isn’t love, either. Remember a time in your life where you were not called something every other day, and that’s where you want to be now.
Start by applying a boundary to stop the name calling.
#8 “Don’t try to belittle me”
Not only does this prove you want to put a boundary in place, it also acknowledges the fact that you notice the narcissist in your life belittling you.
And they do it all the time. Once you spot these not-so-subtle pokes at you, you can raise your hand and say, “I see what you’re doing and I want it to stop because it won’t work with me.”
Narcissists never like to be called out, so expect denial or projection right back at you, but just know that it won’t work.
#9 Keep your bank details personal to you
Oh boy, this is a big one. Your bank details hold every little thing the narcissist wants to know about you.
From your spending habits, to what you earn, to what you have, the narcissist would love to dig in and find out everything there is to know.
Do you want to reveal all? It’s unlikely to be a good idea, so make sure you regularly change and update your login details for all personal finances.
If you don’t, you may leave yourself wide open to the possibility that you will be abused in that sense, too.
#10 Prioritize your wellbeing
Your wellbeing has been pushed way down on the list of priorities you have in your life.
Why? Because you’ve been taught that you don’t matter, and you use up all your energy trying to make the narcissist feel important instead.
It’s time you put yourself first and made sure this was a non-negotiable boundary that they cannot shift.
#11 Have a good exit plan
This one is more personal to you, but a great one to end on all the same.
Know your limits. You will always be pulled back into the relationship if you allow yourself to be, but with a good exit plan you stand a far better chance of leaving, and staying gone.
If you feel you have reached the point where you can’t take any more, that’s when you keep that promise to yourself and find your way out.
Have it planned, keep emergency money in a pot, have a good support system.
Your leaving will drive them crazy, but only if you stay gone.
