Love is the kind of concept that is not up for debate. We should all agree what it fundamentally means to be with somebody, and tell them you love them.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in that world. We live in a world full of narcissists who make their games and toxicity look like love.
Here are 11 cruel things they do to you that they mask as love… or as I like to call them…
11 red flags!
#1 Physical intimacy
All rounded relationships include some form of physical intimacy.
Hugging, kissing, laying together, or even more intimate acts between the sheets all manifest between couples, but narcissists tend to use physical intimacy as a weapon.
They know there isn’t much else going on emotionally for them, so they use physicalness as a cruel way for you to feel loved.
And it’s cruel because it’s the only way you’re shown affection.
When it comes to emotional connections, you can forget it.
#2 Telling you who to be friends with
Your friends should be nothing but your own business. That being said, narcissists aren’t ones for boundaries, or respecting yours, so they feel the need to butti in and tell you who to like, who to spend time with, who to trust, and who to ask for support.
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They will do it out of concern. “Your friends don’t care about you like I do.”
This isn’t real, and you know it. Trusting your own thoughts is far better than trusting the word of the narcissist.
#3 Being ‘honest’ about your family
I won’t lie, I think your mother coddles you.
I want to be honest with you. I think your brother is trying to cause trouble between us.
All it takes is a ‘genuine’ concern from the narcissist to make you step back and observe your family dynamics.
You want to not believe them, but they’re so convincing. So you’re left a little stuck, assuming that your family is out to hurt you.
So what happens?
You boot a little distance between you, which turns out to be more and more as time goes by.
#4 Working late… to pay the bills
Are they really working late, or are they slacking off with coworkers and pretending it’s all for the good of the money pot?
There’s never a reason why a narcissist will be out working into the night if it weren’t to preach about money or paying the bills.
Some of them even go to the extreme of saying to others, “Well you know, somebody has to work and pay the bills.”
What rubbish!
This isn’t love. This is an excuse to make you look or feel bad.
#5 “I’m just being honest” – cruel reality of criticism
You can’t just say what you want to people and justify it by saying, “Hey, I’m just being honest.”
It doesn’t work that way. Words hurt, and no critical comment should be made to cause pain to another person.
Yet here we are, talking about narcissists; the very people who thrive on the pain you feel.
So the next time you are told your dress doesn’t suit you, or the new book you wrote is a little boring, it isn’t that their honesty is supposed to encourage you to be better, it’s just downright nasty.
#6 Controlling you
You don’t want to go to that work party really, do you?
I will work, and you stay at home and make it the most beautiful home to live in for us.
Do you ever hear comments from the narcissist that screams control, while under the guise of love?
These comments aren’t love at all, but they seem so concerning, so caring, so, “I am putting you first.” But they all have one thing in common. They all have undertones of control and manipulation.
I say it because I love you and I care.
That’s not right. You say it because you want a certain outcome.
#7 Taking away your independence
Without your independence, you don’t really have anything that you can use to help you grow and get out into the world.
You won’t own your decisions because they will just be somebody e;se’s decisions.
You will look to the narcissist every time you’re unsure or need help, because you’ll learn not to trust yourself.
None of this is right, not one single bit of it.
You have to decide that you love yourself more than the narcissist is pretending to, and keep your independence alive.
#8 Making a mockery of your choices
Really? Are you kidding? That’s what you choose?
Are you some kind of baby?
This is the most ridiculous choice I’ve ever seen you make!
My God, can you imagine what you’ll look like in that dress? Like something out of Sesame Street!
Oh but wait… “I’m only saying it because the dress doesn’t suit you. I care what others will think of you.”
“I’m only joking that you’re a baby because I don’t want other people thinking or calling you one.”
There’s always an underlying reason why they can mock you, and it’s always, “But I love you.”
#9 Guilt-tripping you so you cave in
Do you owe the narcissist loyalty because of ‘everything they’ve done for you?’
Look at my display of love toward you, and now give it back to me, tenfold.
That’s not how it works, right? We all know that. Nobody should feel guilty and then on top of that be told, “Well, you know what? This is love.”
Yet we see it with narcissists. Time and time again. From their perspective, if you have something to feel guilty about, then you’re spending all your energy questioning that and living with it rather than looking for truths.
Don’t be reeled in by the favors they do for you that are actually part of being in a normal relationship.
#10 Silent treatment
This does not equate to love. Read that again. Silent treatment is not love. How can it possibly be? How can somebody who is being purposely abusive toward you love you?
Sometimes, you know, we all need a little quiet time. But that’s not the silent treatment.
That’s not being cruel just to watch and wait for a reaction. But this is where they tell you:
Look, I just needed a moment. I wanted to give you the best version of me.
What? No, you were pushing for anxiousness yet again. That’s not love.
#11 Public possession
When it suits them, you are loved in the most public of places.
Look at my gorgeous wife / husband / partner!
They will love hard on you when everybody is watching because they want to look like that doting person who appreciates you and wants the world to know how lucky they are.
You might feel special, but it’s all a show. I don’t enjoy telling you that, but as soon as you get home, the treatment you get will be so different.
They will be back to their usual narcissistic self, and you won’t matter.
Is any of that love? Is blowing so hot and cold that you don’t know if you’re loved or hated in a relationship worth sticking around for?
