We don’t get to pick who raises us, right? I mean, if we could, we’d pick the parents who had our backs, supported and encouraged without pushing, and who loved us consistently through our younger years, setting us up for a bright future.
Alas – the parent lottery can sometimes draw out every number except the ones you want, and that’s where narcissists breed.
I know many people who have narcissistic parents, and I wanted to reach out and ask them exactly how having one damaged their life or self-esteem in some way.
Where better to hear it, than straight from the mouths of those with experience, right?
All names have been changed!
#1 Anxiety overload
The crippling way anxiety can lead you to live a life you never thought you’d live is one of the saddest aspects of narcissistic abuse.
Being raised by somebody who has no other plan than to chip away at you when they instead should be loving and caring for you is nothing short of the world’s worst form of injustice to me.
It is an honor to be a parent, and anybody who has kids and abuses them is only ever going to sow the seeds of anxiety that may never be fully shaken off by them.
You walk on eggshells, you try to determine moods, you seek approval, you people please, you worry that you’re never capable or good enough, you set the bar of standard so low that you never receive what you actually deserve.
And all because anxiety has eaten away at you to the point where fear is your middle name.
#2 Depression
It stands to reason that being constantly mistreated by somebody growing up will lead to depression of some level.
And yes, some suffer more than others, but ultimately, when your depression leads back to the way you were raised, you could be looking at a lot of years where you unknowingly suffered at the hands of an abusive parent.
It’s difficult to come to terms with, especially when for years you saw them as the authoritative figure; the one who made all the decisions and who controlled what you did or where you went.
They may have even had a strong hand in controlling who your friends were, or what you ever wore.
And now, here you are. An adult, a shell, a lonely, numb figure.
The inability to feel is not where your story ends.
#3 You don’t take those opportunities
You know the ones, don’t you? You don’t need me to tell you what they are.
They’re the offers of a job that you would love to work in. They’re the offers of travel, or the opportunities to make friends or start a new hobby.
They’re the ways you shut down what you love, saying that you’ll perhaps do it tomorrow instead.
They’re all the ways you want to say yes when you usually say no, and sometimes they’re the ways you want to say no *such as taking care of yourself or prioritizing healthy options for you).
When you lay all those opportunities out in a line, you’ll see just how long that line is.
Is it painful to see? Sure. But let me say this; it’s never too late to awaken what you thought was lost.
#4 You live to please others at all times
Nobody should be congratulated for always putting others before themselves.
People-pleasing is the only way some people find their worth. As admirable as it sounds on paper, you’re constantly finding ways to teach yourself that you don’t matter.
Through life, you’ll take that with you. And the more others find you willing to give, they will take from you what you should be keeping for yourself.
#5 You feel guilty doing anything for yourself
Moving on quite aptly from point 4! When you want to do something for yourself, you feel guilty.
Why is that? Who is it that needs you at this point in time? Why do you need to be there and not with you, even if you’re falling to pieces?
If you spend your life patching up yourself just to stay in one piece, then you’re going to end up exhausted.
Learn that doing something for yourself means you get to be happy, and everybody deserves that.
#6 Event build-ups are never enjoyed
You’ve learned the hard way.
Whenever a special event (or any event, for that matter), comes up, you dread it.
Not because the event itself is going to be terrible, but because you fear the build up.
Even when you aren’t with a narcissist any more, there’s this small part of you that thinks, “Oh no. I really don’t want to go.” You might even get a headache, or have trouble sleeping.
That’s because through all your time with the narcissist, they played up and caused drama. And now your physiology has learned that.
So – do you go to the event, or do you give it a miss? Many survivors do the latter.
#7 You long for happiness
Woh doesn’t? It feels like happiness happens to everybody else except you, doesn’t it?
Growing up in a narcissistic household really gave you no kind of compass for real happiness anyway, so seeking it is that much harder.
But I’m here to tell you that it’s possible. Everything you have is already inside of you, you just have to trust yourself to find it.
#8 Chronic shame-based identity
Being raised by a narcissist meant at some point you internalized blame for things that weren’t your fault.
And you were young, so I’d expect you to not question why that was the case, but as you get older, you realize you don’t have the tools to deflect blame where it isn’t due to you.
That shame-based part of your identity that you hold onto won’t do you any favors, yet it’s so difficult to say goodbye to it if it’s all you’ve known.
#9 Low self-worth
You got so used to being valued for what you did, not who you were. So you take that with you in life, and because you don’t have the courage to do much, you don’t see your value.
But that’s just not true. Your value should be based on the type of person you are, not what your past states you did.
Having a narcissistic parent sucked for many reasons, but this one especially hits hard when you’re left on your own adult devices and you can’t even find ways to put yourself out there for things that matter.
#10 Self-sabotage is your go-to
Fear success? Fear failure? It doesn’t matter, you will find ways to procrastinate your way out of both and somehow live in a weird state of limbo if you allow yourself to take root there.
If you’re doing something well, there will be ways you genuinely ruin what you’ve got going on.
The outcome has always been one way for you – the narcissist stomping all over it.
Without them, you might actually stand a good chance to oversee completed goals.
Scary? Yep. That’s where self-sabotage will come in.
