When it comes to being the child of a narcissist, some rules are yelled out to you in a strong, loud and controlling voice.
Other rules are unspoken. They are quiet, and assume that you will follow them no matter what.
It becomes your duty to follow them, and never question them. You fall in line because you don’t feel you yet have the power to stand up to them, and so you are forced to live by these 10 unspoken rules.
The eight of the world on your shoulders?
Without a doubt.
#1 “What I say, goes”
There’s no such thing as a discussion when it comes to narcissists .You have to shut up and listen, while they talk, complain, bark orders, and generally take control.
It’s no different when you have a narcissistic parent, in fact, it’s even worse being a child because you’re seen as even more irrelevant.
If you ask them questions, they sense a level of disrespect, and so an unspoken rule is to just nod along, agree, and learn that your compliance will keep the peace.
This doesn’t mean you understand what they’re saying, but rather you just don’t want to cross them. You know the consequences.
#2 “Keep the family image positive”
What goes on at home, stays within the four walls you live. Narcissists will forever punish you if you speak about their abuse and control, because they want the outside world to see nothing but perfection.
New Guide
Most People Break No Contact Within Two Weeks. I Wrote a Guide That Shows You How Not To.
The exact steps, the exact scripts for when they come back, and an honest day-by-day guide through the first 30 days. 26 pages. Instant download.
Get the Playbook for $27 →PDF · Instant download · 30-day money back guarantee
Think about how long it takes a narcissist to paint a picture of themselves to everybody else, and your one comment would shatter it all in a heartbeat.
Narcissists can’t afford that, so you have to live by the unspoken rule that you are a perfect family, and they are the perfect parent.
This basically translates to:
I will continue to abuse you, and you will never speak of it.
#3 “Never complain, never draw attention to yourself”
Your needs will only feel dangerous to the narcissist, so you learn to keep them to yourself.
You don’t want to draw attention to the fact that you are growing and learning, and wanting and needing things that will help support you.
Stop being this way, and instead learn to only respond to what your narcissistic parent wants and needs.
Put your priorities at the bottom of the list. This is why adult children of narcissistic parents are people-pleasers who just want everybody else to be okay.
If you complain, you look unappreciative.
#4 “Learn to read my moods and act accordingly”
This is an unspoken rule that means you end up evolving into a person who is hyper-aware and always on guard for feelings of others.
Not only do you look out for these feelings, you then act accordingly in response to them.
You take their stress on, you apologize, you make excuses for them, and you notice tone shifts or footsteps that spell trouble.
No child should ever have to go through this. Your safety shouldn’t depend on how well you predict emotional storms within the house, but that is childhood described for many children who have narcissistic parents.
#5 “My moods determine your moods”
Narcissists love to determine the moods of everybody else living with them, and it’s a rule that everybody must adhere to:
If I am angry, then you need to be anxious and on edge.
If I am happy, then it is a brief permission to relax, but not for long!
Soon, your emotions revolve around them, and they love to know that they are the center of the universe. You never just get to be you.
Imagine what that must feel like for a child.
#6 “Learn to fear being cast aside”
A narcissistic parent can have the unspoken rule of:
You must learn to fear being cast aside and replaced by somebody, or something better than you.
It confirms to you that their love is conditional, and so any approval you seek can vanish fast. You perform for them, just to be able to feel a sense of connection, but it never lasts long.
The threat of being abandoned becomes the cloud you have to live under, but it’s never really spoken.
This is learned by experience, and sadly, it’s what makes children of narcissists so easter t o seek love wherever possible.
#7 “Learn to fear repercussions”
You must do as the narcissistic parent says at all times, and if you don’t, there will be certain repercussions.
Any mistake that you make can feel huge, even as a child (who naturally grows by making mistakes), and punishment doesn’t always need to be physical.
The silent treatment, or any coldness you receive will be off the back of you not doing as they want you to.
This fear keeps you compliant, and it feels like one huge unspoken rule to do everything your narcissistic parent tells you to.
This is a prime time for children to be at the mercy of their toxic parents, and that’s why they fear their kids growing up and thinking for themselves.
#8 “Don’t be your own person”
You are not allowed to be your own kind of person. If you have hobbies, you can forget them.
If you like certain things, they will be null and void if your narcissistic parent doesn’t approve.
To be an individual feels unsafe, and you are taking a huge risk if you speak up about your opinions.
Blending is how you survive as a kid, and you lose yourself in the process. Before you know it, you are a lost adult who has had to deal with unspoken rules your whole life.
Children should be free to explore and be who they authentically were born to be. Narcissistic parents will erase that, and leave you feeling empty.
#9 “Never overstep your place”
You are nothing but a child. Your views are unimportant. You are never right. If you even think about challenging your narcissistic parent, you will be firmly put back in your place and punished.
There has to be a hierarchy in the house, and you are always going to be at the bottom.
Even as an adult, you aren’t allowed to overstep and be rude, and heaven help you if you try to assert dominance or defend yourself.
This is an unspoken rule, but one you have to fall in line with if you want peace in your house.
I think it’s just a pretty sick way for an adult to treat their children. If you don’t like kids, don’t have them.
Narcissists have kids because they want more people to control and abuse, and sadly, it’s that simple.
#10 “Always believe this is love”
Love? You call all of this love? A rule the narcissist wants you to live by without ever even speaking it, is that all of this is love.
The saddest part of that is how confused it makes a person, and how the goalposts of affection are lowered alongside all the standards expected from a spouse in the future.
Love shouldn’t hurt, but being forced to live and believe your experiences are all down to love is both heartbreaking and unjust.
