If you want to see your kids grow up away from toxic parent syndrome, you’ve got to move fast.
There’s not much time to make an impression on them in a positive way, but I believe it can be done and I believe it will change your kids’ worlds.
You’ve known your narcissistic ex for a long time, but the last thing you want to see is a reproduction of them through younger bloodlines. So let’s dig them out of that risk right now.
#1 No means NO
It is a complete sentence, and does not need to have any kind of explanation attached to it.
No should be said without guilt or shame, or fear of repercussions. Most importantly, the word should be received with grace and acceptance, rather than punishment or anger.
No is empowering, and that’s why victims are taught not to say it.
It’s time to change that, and use no as a way to help your kids grow and understand that they can say it whenever they want to.
And that doesn’t mean there is room for it to shift into a yes.
#2 Own your actions
Teaching your kids that they can do whatever they want and get away with it is just wrong on so many levels.
Narcissists are forever modeling the idea that you can blame shift or project when things don’t go their way, but what good is that if you’re young and impressionable?
It’s wiser to teach them to hold up their hands and say, “You know what? That had something to do with me.”
It’s not about fearing the consequences, it’s about doing the right thing. These are basic, foundational morals.
#3 Respect works both ways
It really is a two-way street, but if the other person can’t see that, then you’re never going to receive it.
If your kid grows up to think they can talk to whoever they want however they want, or act in certain ways that belittle or criticize them, then you’re basically telling them to be a narcissist.
Steer clear of this by making sure they do the right thing and be respectful of others, even in the face of disagreement.
#4 Feelings are safe and valid
This! All day long!
Your feelings are okay. It’s okay to feel sad or happy, or empathy or pain. These aren’t weaknesses, they are part of what it means to be human and accept the truth of emotions.
So often I see children of narcissists who don’t want to tap into how they feel because it’s seen as a pointless exercise when they should be just grinning and getting on with life.
This is the worst thing to teach your kids.
#5 Sorry means time for change
Saying sorry is only effective if you mean it and take action to change whatever you were sorry about.
There’s no point in apologizing if you’re going to do the same thing time and time again.
It just becomes a meaningless word that is thrown around and you’re supposed to deny it all when you’re caught?
No.
Sorry is a word that carries much meaning. You don’t want to hurt people, and if you do, you need to step up and understand that this is a perfect opportunity to change.
Teaching your kids will help them see that change is possible. Your narcissistic ex will never be able to do this .
#6 Love doesn’t hurt
Love shouldn’t be painful, yet so many people who have a narcissistic parent see that dynamic as love itself.
They don’t say, “I’ve got a narcissistic parent who doesn’t treat me the way I should be treated.” They say, “This is my life. This is what love is. I have to earn it, and I can only receive it if I do good.”
It’s simply not the case, and is far from normal. So teach them that love is good and kind and patient and forgiving.
It is not abusive.
#7 That they are enough
In a world full of so much pressure from every corner, teaching your child that they’re enough is hard enough as it is.
I totally get it. You want them to see their worth so they can live a life full of possibilities.
Even without a narcissistic parent, it can prove challenging. So when you want to make your kids turn out completely different from your narcissistic ex, you’ll need to apply more time, more compassion, and more patience.
Ways to teach them they’re enough are:
- Letting them know they don’t have to work to receive love. It isn’t something to be earned.
- It’s okay to not be perfect. Nobody is. It’s in the messy yet exciting muddle of challenges that we figure out our strengths, and that’s all open to explore.
- Telling them that it’s okay to not be okay. Crying or feeling pain doesn’t make you weak, it makes you attentive to your core feelings, and acknowledging them properly helps you heal quicker.
- Telling them you still love them even when you are having a bad day or have to tell them off in some way. Love doesn’t stop simply because you are temporarily unhappy.
#8 That success is a good thing
When you’re raised by a narcissistic parent, you can easily be taught that success is something to downplay, or not even strive for at all.
Their jealousy overtakes anything good that you do if it’s even allowed to get that far.
Often they sabotage your achievements midway so you give up entirely or change course and not complete what you set out to do.
Teaching your kids that success is positive is how they get to see themselves as people who aim and shoot for the stars.
#9 To love your hobbies and interests
Some of us assume that our purpose is something we have to go out and find.
The reality is, it’s already in the things we love to do. That’s where we find who we are and where our authenticity really sits.
Knowing this is key, especially when you feel like you’re getting nowhere fast.
If you were to teach your kids this, they will automatically steer away from where narcissists think their purpose is:
- Bank accounts
- Job title
- Weight
- Appearance
- House size
- Car type
- Amount of vacations they take per year
These things might be nice, but they don’t matter. They don’t teach a personal nothing about what matters, or how their purpose makes a difference in the world.
So teach them to love what they love, and those who criticize are only doing so because they’re unhappy with their own lives.
They’re also unable to explore and tap into what they love because they don’t love anything.
What a sad way to live, right?
#10 To know that not everybody is raised in a healthy environment
This is so important I can’t even stress it enough!
We assume that our lives are normal because it’s what we know. We’re familiar, so it must be how everybody was raised.
It’s not true.
Not everybody has a narcissistic parent. Some people were raised with love and care and attention.
Time was spent making conversation, building trust, and connection. Foundations were forged for children to live happy, confident lives.
Unfortunately, not for all. Knowing this will help explain to your kids that people are different not because they choose to be, but because it’s all they know – good or bad.
