I can already feel your surprise, shock and horror that the narcissist hates things you like.
Right as you are having a moment of happiness or enjoyment, the narcissist comes along and puts your fire of life out with their enormous stash of toxic water.
Yet again, you feel the ground below become swampy, and your light dims slightly more.
You aren’t alone.
Instead of wallowing in their misery, let’s pinpoint those 10 main things narcissists hate that you love…
…So you can start to live a little freer!
The Grumpy Scale
We all own a set of grumpy scales, don’t we? With the stresses of the world and all our responsibilities, I’m sure we can even put ourselves on them for good measure sometimes!
Narcissists won’t fit on the normal grumpy scale – there isn’t a measurement large enough.
I know it seems like I’m making light of a very serious personality issue, but let’s be honest, narcissists are never truly happy.
Why Do They Hate So Much?
If you woke up every day in the skin of someone who hated everything about themselves and had to pretend just to get by, wouldn’t you be grumpy, too?
Let’s look at it this way:
The narcissist hates what emotionally healthy people would normally love, because they can’t resonate with linking something good to a joyous feeling. They only feel a shallow, temporary joy to making others feel miserable.
So what do they do?
They hate what you love!
They hate what you love because they know their hate brings you down.
They also hate what you love because they’re jealous that you love whatever the thing is.
Narcissists are only ever really satisfied when you are unhappy, sad or in pain.
Imagine hating life so much, that the only time you feel fulfilled is when you’re emptying the joy from the ones you claim to love?
10 Things Narcissists Hate That Normal People Love – Get Ready!
#1 Intimacy
Intimacy is a huge hatred for narcissists, and I use the word as generally as I can.
Intimacy can look like:
- Sex
- Cuddling on the sofa
- Talking about your feelings in an honest, open space
- Sharing private thoughts in deep conversations
- Reaching out to somebody when you’re going through a crisis
- Reading religious passages together
- Trying something new with your partner
- Going to a party in fancy dress
It doesn’t just start and end with sex, but narcissists will hate having to try or do anything that involves connecting authentically with another person.
Intimacy is a form of vulnerability, and being vulnerable to a narcissist, takes their strength away.
The irony is that it takes far more strength to be intimate, than it does to repel it.
#2 Emotions
Ew! Emotions! Get the heck out of here!
Happiness? Forget it!
Sadness? No thanks!
Excitement? Come on! I am not five years old!
Pride? What? For somebody other than me? No way!
Now, this part only really stands for the positive emotions life can bring us. Narcissists are really good at feeling anger, resentment, jealousy, impatience and all else that provokes the red flag.
The good, kind, bright and sunshiny emotions are forever locked away. Narcissists see them as weak. If you can be proud of somebody, it means you recognize a good thing they did…
…Which makes it not about the narcissist for a split second!
The horror!
You or I wouldn’t hesitate to be happy or express a positive emotion for somebody else. The world needs it, and we love the people those good things are happening to, so win-win!
Not the narcissist, though!
#3 Openness
Being open is a great trait to possess. It means you’re happy to express yourself, and happy to listen to others, too.
Openness means people know you, that you’re easily approachable, that you have a welcoming manner, and that you connect with people positively.
Oh look, I just described the opposite of a narcissist!
No wonder they hate it!
#4 Selflessness
Helping others is a part of life. This world wouldn’t spin the same if it were every mean to their own. There would be constant wars, fights, disagreements, conflict – you name it.
Selflessness is helping somebody when you know you will receive nothing in return.
Narcissists don’t operate selflessly. They feel everybody owes them.
Which is the very reason they hate that about you.
Come on, you have to admit, this is not a normal list so far!
#5 The Simple Life
Being able to enjoy a simple day of going for a nice walk or using the rainy day to stay in and watch movies – forget it!
Think about a narcissist’s house. They’re always doing something to them. Renovating the loft, painting the kitchen, putting a new extension on the side, giving the drive a makeover – whatever it is – it will be seen by all.
Most of us show real gratitude for the small things because they’re what really matters.
The roof over our heads. The food in the fridge. The water that comes from our taps.
So many people don’t have those things, but narcissists greedily want more and more and don’t see how lucky they really are.
#6 True Friends
True friends give advice and criticism as long as it’s for our own good. They help us, and they create equality in our lives.
It’s give and take, right?
Ooh. Bad.
Bad if you’re a narcissist, at least.
Narcissists don’t give, so having friends is pointless.
#7 Being Vulnerable
Allowing your vulnerabilities to surface means you can expose yourself as being human.
Humans make mistakes and admit they’re struggling sometimes, you know?
That’s not an option for narcissists. They don’t struggle – they suffer in silence and act even more perfect than normal.
#8 Having Fun
Heaven forbid you have fun! The world won’t implode!
Narcissists hate having fun, because to have fun means to let go.
Letting go means to let their guard down, and here we have it:
Impossible for a narcissist!
Guards are up, fun is limited and certainly not expressed!
#9 Silliness/Playing
Similar to having fun, being silly or playful means you find that part of you that enjoys fun.
Perhaps it’s that inner child locked away that you permit to let out every now and then.
Narcissists are usually told from a young age to grow up and be sensible, among many other strange demands.
It’s no wonder they can’t have fun.
#10 Anything That They Can’t Control
We all admit that we can’t control everything in the world, right?
I mean, why would we want to control the world’s currencies?
Why would we want to be in charge of what everybody else does?
Listen, if narcissists could, they would.
You name it – they will put their name to it.
While we’re okay with just getting by and living life, they must control every detail possible to retain their ‘happiness’ (and I use that word very lightly!).
11 Crazy Narcissist Lies They use to Control You
Why do narcissists lie? Because they suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder. That is the short answer.
Their fragmented sense of self means they lack personal values, viewing everything as a chance to win the game of life.
For them, lying is a tool to achieve victory, regardless of who gets hurt. While most people feel guilty after lying due to conflicting morals, narcissists feel no such conflict.
Lying is part of their routine to maintain a false self-image. If you know a narcissist, expect deception.
Here are 11 examples of lies they use to control others.
#1. You Are the Most Amazing Person I’ve Ever Met
Those in a relationship with a narcissist will hear phrases like this within the first few weeks of meeting.
It is a part of the love bombing stage, and involves the narcissist saying and doing things for their partner to make them feel extraordinary.
Comments of this nature are overwhelming, and if you are really into a person, such terms of endearment can draw you in very quickly.
And that is the main aim of the narcissist: to get you to fall deeply and passionately in love with them, and once you are no longer of any use, they discard you.
Unfortunately, as heartwarming as these words sound, there is no truth in them, and they should act as a red flag when you have first started dating someone.
They don’t know you, and until you’ve spent a significant amount of time with someone, you won’t really know if they are the most amazing person you’ve ever met.
#2. You Have Totally Disappointed Me, I Feel Abandoned
Pathological narcissists make excruciatingly unrealistic demands on their partners. They will do things like call you at work and say you need to come home in an hour.
Knowing full well that even if you left the office as soon as you hung up the phone, it would take you two hours to return.
They will then accuse you of being unavailable and incapable of meeting their needs. If you ever dare to put your needs first, you are the selfish one who takes pleasure in disappointing them.
The narcissist will throw a temper tantrum similar to that of a five-year-old child if they don’t get their own way at all times.
#3. I Promise You I’ll Change
You reap what you sow in life, and eventually, like Humpty Dumpty, the narcissist has a great fall.
They are either caught stealing, cheating, or engaging in outrageous activities. When this happens, their partner will leave, their husband or wife will file for divorce, or family members will threaten to disown them.
At this point, the begging starts. The narcissist will promise to change, they will agree to seek counselling, they will say anything to get themselves out of the mess they have created.
According to psychologist Stephen Johnson, the narcissist has zero intention of changing, their cry for help is simply a plan of escape.
Once they have freed themselves from the bondage, the narcissist will return to their old ways.
#4. I Have Never Told a Lie in my Life So Why Would I Lie to You?
The entire statement is a lie because one of the narcissist’s greatest skills is lying. They lie so much that they believe in their own lies.
Anytime the narcissist thinks they’ve been caught up in a lie, or if someone reminds them that what they are saying now contradicts what they said an hour ago, they will categorically deny that any such contradiction has taken place.
In fact, they will put on such an Oscar-winning performance that the other person will start to question whether they heard right.
#5. My Ex-Partner Was Completely Obsessed With Me
Narcissists will do whatever it takes to cover their tracks even though their ex-partner isn’t technically their ex because they have been sleeping together ever since they met you.
The narcissist will make sure they’ve got all their bases covered by telling you their ex is obsessed with them.
They will then proceed to make up lies about the person, such as he/she has been bombarding them with phone calls, turning up at the office and threatening to tell their new partner they are having an affair, etc.
The narcissist has now built the perfect wall of defense around themselves so when they are finally caught, their partner is more likely to believe them.
#6. This Relationship Has Ended Because of You
One of the many things a narcissist will never do is take responsibility for their actions.
Instead, they will play the deflection game and make their victim believe that whatever has happened is their fault.
When the narcissist decides they have reached the discard phase, they will come up with every reason as to why the relationship has broken down because of the actions of their partner.
Some of what they say may have some truth to it and the narcissist has sprinkled it with pepper, but in general, they will heap a pack of unjustified lies on their significant other before making their exit.
#7. Narcissists Lie About Their Job Title and Earnings
One of the things a narcissist will do when they’ve met someone new is lie about their job title and earnings.
They might be a 21-year-old trainee accountant but will spin their love interest a story about how they graduated from college early because they are so intelligent.
He then got promoted to company director due to their advanced knowledge. The boss was so impressed with his leadership skills that he was made director two years after starting the job.
It will sound plausible because the narcissist will drive a nice car and live in a plush apartment, but what you don’t know is that they are in $100,000 worth of credit card debt because they refuse to cut their coat according to their size.
Having material possessions and status is another lie narcissists use to hook their victims, and to the unsuspecting person with rose-tinted glasses on, it usually works.
#8. I’m Busy at the Moment
Narcissist Lie #8 The narcissist always wants to keep his victims begging for more.
Statements like this typically come after the love bombing stage. They know they’ve got their victim hooked, so now it’s time to show their true colors, referred to as the devalue stage.
Their partner would have become used to seeing them at 6pm every Friday night.
They’ve arranged the meeting, cooked dinner, and are sitting with a glass of wine waiting for the doorbell to ring at 6 p.m. By 6:30 p.m., he hasn’t turned up. She rings several times, but he doesn’t answer the phone.
When he finally decides to pick up, the answer to her question,
“Where are you? I thought we were having dinner tonight,” is, “I’m busy….” Click!
There was no apology or explanation, and meanwhile, he was sitting at home with his feet up, watching Netflix, and tossing popcorn in his mouth.
She looks at the phone perplexed, racking her brain, trying to think about what she could have done to make him mad. Eventually, she chalks it down to the fact that he must be having a bad day and doesn’t want to talk about it.
The cycle has just begun, his girlfriend now desperately wants to get back in his good books so she can experience all the love and attention he used to give her.
#9. I’m Out With Friends
You’ve tried to call him in an emergency, or he was supposed to pick you up from your mother’s house at 8pm. Whatever the reason, he isn’t picking up, so you sort it out yourself.
When you finally get to speak and ask where he was, his response is, “I was with my friends.” Again, this is another strategy used during the devaluing stage.
Up until this point, he’s never missed an appointment or a date, and he has always been there for you. Now, suddenly, he’s gone cold on you; what’s up with that?
Letting you know he was out with his friends is the narcissist’s way of enforcing his superiority over you.
He wants you to know that he doesn’t need you; he’s in demand and has plenty of friends who need his attention. In other words, if you don’t give me what I want when I want it, I will replace you.
#10. I’m Just Checking to See How You Are Doing?
You’ve been dating a narcissist for six months; everything seemed to be going well and then he went missing in action. He stopped responding to your text messages and stopped calling but never told you that the relationship was over.
What really happened was he found someone he thought was better than you and shacked up with them.
When the replacement’s performance deteriorated, he randomly messaged you to ask how you were doing.
This is referred to as Narcissistic hoovering; please be warned, the narcissist is not getting back in contact with you because he has realized how madly in love he is with you, and wants to rekindle your relationship.
The real reason is he is down on narcissistic supply, and he knows you are an easy target.
#11. My Ex-Partner Was Such an Evil Person
This lie will most likely start at the beginning of the relationship, it is one of the narcissists many protection strategies.
The reality is that a lot of narcissists are going to have terrible reputations because of how they treat people. Depending on how long they’ve lived in a certain area, the word would have got around town that they are some type of sociopath.
So, to give themselves enough room to maneuver when their partner does start hearing the local gossip, they’ve already lined up an alibi. And you will hear something along the lines of,
“Now, who are you going to believe, I’ve already told you my ex was a nasty piece of work and they’ve been spreading rumors about me.”
Since you are unaware of how a narcissist operates, and you don’t know how to tell a narcissist is lying, it will be very hard for you not to believe them.
You will fight tooth and nail to defend your partner regardless of the evidence when the rumors are brought up.
Final Thoughts About Narcissist Lies They Use To Control You
Whether you are the girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, friend, or family member of a narcissist, familiarise yourself with these lies because you are going to hear something similar at some point in your relationship.
Even if you’re not planning on leaving, having a deeper understanding of the lies a narcissist tells and the way he/she uses them to control you will help with your protection strategy.
Or maybe you’ve just started dating a narcissist and suspect something isn’t quite right because you’ve caught them out in a few lies.
If some of these fairy tales sound familiar, you might want to think about moving on because it will only get worse.
The bottom line is that a narcissist is going to lie until they decide they are ready to change. That might never be the case in some cases, so if you are not thinking about walking away now, be prepared for a lifetime of lies.
