A narcissist is happy all the while they know they’ve got you. They want to keep you, control you, and know that you are always there as a source of supply for them.
But then…
…You decide to leave. You distance yourself, and the narcissist realizes they’ve lost you.
What happens then?
I’ve got the 10 things narcissists do when they realize they’ve lost you, and I want to preface this by saying it might not spell immediate good news for you.
#1 Panic
Oh boy, does the panic set in fast. Losing you is their worst nightmare imaginable, and when it comes true, they can’t hide their sheer fear.
It’s not because they know they’ve lost somebody amazing; the love of their life (although I’m sure that’s how they will paint it to everybody else).
It’s that you – their main source of supply – has left the building.
They’ve lost you, and now they’re panicking because of how it makes them look, and that they’re alone with nobody to abuse.
The panic is big, the panic is real.
#2 Rage
The rage is obviously not meant to reach anybody other than you, otherwise the narcissist will be literally shooting themselves – and their image – in the foot.
Instead, you receive it all.
How dare you?!
Why are you doing this to me?
How can you sit there and leave me like this?
You don’t know what you have done to yourself here!
Throwing, threatening to hit you, shouting, slamming doors; all of it will come into play.
This is down to a sheer loss of control – nothing they can do will change your mind and they did not plan for it.
That’s why they can’t hide their anger at the situation.
#3 Gather their troops
The troops are called upon, and they are used and abused in the same way a narcissist uses and abuses you.
Troops are used for one reason only: to make sure they have as many allies as possible in the run up to any smear campaign they curate.
Before that, they want to compliment people, bumping into them ‘accidently,’ buy gifts, spend time; just generally be at the mercy of whoever is willing to loan their time to them.
Narcissists do this as they fear being alone, and fear you exposing them. With troops, they can build an army that will eventually turn against you.
#4 Smear your name
The smear campaign is used to make you look bad. The narcissist will:
- Spread lies about you
- Convince others that you’re going mad
- Convince others that you’re the narcissist
- Tell people that you cheated
- Expose your worst behaviors
- Warn everybody else to stay away from you
It’s a smear campaign, yes. And you do suffer, like all victims of smear campaigns. That doesn’t mean it’s permanent, and you can recover from these toxic games.
Narcissists do it because they want to punish you for walking away.
#5 Search for new supply
This will be right up there on the list for the narcissist to achieve as soon as they realize they’ve lost you.
Supply to them is something they have to actively search for. They can’t produce it themselves, so they steal it from the happy people around them.
Think about yourself. When you’ve been involved with a narcissist, how fast has your happy persona been erased?
I’d sat fairly quickly, and that’s because it’s sapped from you.
When you go, they need it from another person, so don’t be surprised when they start their search.
#6 Act the victim
I don’t know what went wrong.
I tried everything.
I gave her all my heart.
I tried to make him feel as loved as possible.
I feel so sad about this.
Narcissists don’t like to look vulnerable, but if they can act the victim, they will do so at any opportunity.
Acting the victim this way helps them to portray themselves as the good guy.
They didn’t do anything wrong. They were loving and kind and compassionate and caring…
…You know the truth, but that won’t stop them spinning this false narrative.
Knowing they lost you, they have nothing else to lose, so they go all in with the sickly comments.
#7 Threaten you
It has to be said that some narcissists go straight in with threats.
If you think you’re leaving, you’ve got another thing coming.
If you walk out that door, I will hurt myself.
If you try leaving, I will make your life hell.
It’s never nice to think about people using this kind of language, but it’s the reality of dealing with a narcissist.
Some have real anger issues, and they believe that bullying is an effective way to keep people in their lives.
Don’t let this be you. I know that’s easier said than done, but the fear of leaving them shouldn’t stop you from walking out the door.
When your mind is made up, it needs to stay that way.
#8 Expose you as the narcissist
As part of their plan to expose you as the one in the wrong, the narcissist will likely make this approach the running theme of their smear campaign.
Telling people that you’re the narcissist shines the light directly away from them. The quicker they do it, the less likely you are to beat them to it and expose them.
If you’re exposed, you’re seen as a person to not trust, love, or be close with.
This will isolate you and give everybody the wrong impression of you, which is precisely what the narcissist wants.
Exposing you lets them off the hook, and they can go about their day living the life they want.
Punishment? Yes.
Self-preservation? Yes.
Abusive? Big yes.
#9 Withhold people from you
If people aren’t near you, you have nobody to speak your truth with.
It was terrible,
This happened.
I was treated like this.
I lost myself.
I don’t know who I am.
You may as well be talking into the mirror, because the narcissist will ensure your circle of support dissipates.
Hey, as far as they’re concerned, if they’ve lost you, then you lose literally everybody else that you know.
It goes back to yet another form of punishment, and one that leaves you not knowing who to trust, or where to turn.
#10 Ghost you
Ghosting is cruel, immature and unnecessary with all the forms of communication we now have.
Narcissists still love to do it, because they’re weak and insecure. They don’t want to hang around and have adult conversations, or even apologize for how they treated you.
Instead, they will push you away, block you and pretend you don’t exist. What you shared never happened, and they can move on knowing that you are just a memory for them.
It’s hard for those on the receiving end to come to terms with such brutal cut offs, but remember, they’re only doing this because you were onto them and decided to lose your presence from their life.
Ghosting you is meant to panic you into wanting them back, but don;t let that be the case.
Stand firm.
