Don’t you just love the phrase, ‘It is what it is’ ?
It covers almost every eventuality and allows people to just say, “There’s nothing you can do about it.”
There’s nothing you can do about narcissism, either.
A person is narcissistic or not, and sometimes, that can get a little muddled.
Today, I want to talk about that very thing…
What narcissism is, and what it most definitely is not.
What is Narcissism?
Often, it’s a word thrown around to anybody who annoys another person.
Oh, they’re such a narcissist!
Have you seen them on their latest vacation? What a narcissist!
Another selfie! What a narcissist!
Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.
True narcissism is more than a selfie or a vacation somebody you know is on.
It’s deep, and it ruins lives.
That’s not an example of drama – this is the truth.
Narcissists ruin lives wherever they go. They tear families apart, ruin friendships, bring the conflict to work with them – and the fallout can be huge.
Narcissists are assholes, but also – assholes are assholes, too.
Sometimes, we need to take a step back and see the difference between somebody hellbent on sending you to therapy and somebody who is just a miserable person.
#1 Don’t Get Confidence Twisted
We all want to be more confident.
We all love to see confidence in others.
Let’s look briefly at what’s real, and what’s fake about confidence.
Real vs. Fake
Real confidence is always perfectly described in a story about a guy I went to university with. In a lecture one day, the tutor talked about some heavy stuff, and I could see the puzzled looks of my fellow students.
This guy, I’ll call him Jake, raised his hand and said, in front of nearly 100 other people:
I’m really sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. Can you please explain it another way?
This is a level of confidence like no other. The fact that somebody was confident enough to admit without care that he needed a topic or concept reworded to help him was totally cool, and affected nobody. He was that sure of himself.
Fake confidence describes the type of confidence every narcissist has.
They want you to believe it’s real, but it’s shrouded in the reality that they’re deeply insecure, out to hurt you, and refuse to show anybody how much they hate themselves.
#2 Anger – When Healthy and Unhealthy Get Clouded
We all get annoyed, let’s not pretend any different.
When we get annoyed, we often take it out on the people we love, and we can snap.
But what’s important is that we say sorry and admit we made a mistake. We work on it, lessen our workload, and take some time out.
Narcissists can’t regulate their emotions in the same way, and will never admit to being wrong. Instead, they keep the volume up, and their anger has no time for rest.
#3 It’s Okay To Put Yourself First
Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you’re a narcissist. It’s important to put your needs first when you need to, and think about your goals or dreams. You can’t pour from an empty cup, after all.
Narcissists never put anybody’s needs above their own.
They don’t know when to give somebody else center stage. Instead, they remain on it themselves, and to hell with everybody else.
Know the difference between tending to your needs, and cutting everybody else off who may need your help.
#4 Appearance Isn’t Always About Narcissism
Hey, you can look after your appearance and look fantastic without being a narcissist. We need to do this now more than ever! We matter!
But a nice appearance shouldn’t be synonymous with a narcissistic character.
#5 Ambition is Healthy! Too Much, Watch Out
Those goals you want and have should be worked toward, and nobody should stop you from aiming for them.
If you know you deserve it, then the sky is your limit. This is all about self-belief, resilience and confidence.
Too much of all those things ill point to narcissism, and if you are willing to trample over every good relationship you have in your life to get what you want, then it’s time to re-evaluate how much narcissism runs through your veins.
#6 Charisma is Charming – Charm? Not So Much
It’s nice to be charismatic! Friendly, chatty, helpful, and trustworthy are fundamental traits in a good person, but let’s make no mistake about them.
Charm is not the same as charisma. It is real, and charm is just an attempt to make people believe you’re the type of person that you are, in fact, not.
Narcissists exude charm, but it is very hollow, superficial, and cannot be sustained.
#7 “I Love Myself”
Self-love is a half-trillion-dollar empire now, and there is an emphasis on loving who you are, faults and all.
Narcissists take self-love to another level. Number one, it’s not even genuine, because they actually hate themselves deep down.
Number two, they make up for fact number one so much that they try to overcompensate for it.
Hideous? Yes.
But there’s nothing wrong with genuinely loving yourself.
#8 Cheating?…
Cheaters cheat, but not all cheaters are narcissists.
You hear a lot that narcissists will nearly always cheat because they can’t not get as much supply as humanly possible.
Sometimes, cheating occurs, and the person will be highly remorseful.
Therapy occurs, reflection is possible, and you can work through it together.
It doesn’t happen with narcissists. They will cheat and cheat, anc throw your pain under the bus.
#9 “Me, Me, Me”
People get wrapped up in themselves, don’t they? You see it a lot in this world as we have simply become busier than ever.
Work is demanding, home life never shuts down, and we still have relationships to maintain, whether platonic or romantic.
If hearing somebody scream from time to time about how their life is more hectic than yours, or how they have needs that are out of this world – the thought should arise that perhaps they’re struggling with juggling so much.
Before you try and tell me that this isn’t the same as the selfishness of narcissism – I am here to agree with you – and that’s my point! Truly, my point is – we all get lost in the matrix. It’s hard.
We say things we don’t mean. We snap, we judge, we complain, we yell; we’re tired.
The difference between narcissism and non-narcissism is two things:
Remorse and apology. Both need to be sincere, and I truly mean that.
Both need to be meant.
#10 Gaslighting? Not Always Narcissism
Gaslighting is a term that we all use when we’re describing narcissism, but there is a level of frustration that can accompany phrases like:
I did not say that!
It might for instance, be a genuine thought from somebody that they forgot they said something.
Gaslighting is intentional, and the make up and fabrication of lies is sent to destroy victims on the receiving end.
