Breathe in, and breathe out. That’s all you can really do when you discover your entire life with the narcissist has been nothing but a big, fat lie.
You can’t turn the clock back, you can’t change anything that happened between when you met and this very moment.
But what can you do? You can start to unpack what the relationship truly was, and how the narcissist made you believe it was love all along.
Using these 10 reasons why your whole life with a narcissist was a lie, you can start to heal in ways you never thought was possible.
#1 You chased the fantasy
I think this point is the foundation for all others, don’t you?
As painful as this truth may be, it’s one all victims need to remember every time you think about how the future might look if you remain in the relationship.
Spending all your time chasing the fantasy is not how you move through reality healthily.
You want everything to be perfect, but it’s not. You want the happy-ever-after, but instead you get yelled at, ignored, and criticized.
The reality is, you’re in an abusive cycle with a person who tricked you into believing they were the answer to your prayers.
You chased how you wanted your relationship to progress, and all the imaginative ways you thought of them as perfect for you were just your mind creating stories.
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Those stories aren’t true.
#2 They have a history of hurting
Looking back on the track record of the narcissist, is it any wonder they lie so much? They’ve hurt people, and I include you in this.
The lies come out of their mouths like they mean nothing. The ways they convince you even that your reality isn’t real; it’s all lies.
The fact that you live with or have a relationship with somebody so willing to glaze over the truth means you must be living a lie.
And if you’re getting hurt, it means they aren’t sticking to their word and treating you right like they should be.
Suddenly, your whole life becomes this lie that is hard to face.
#3 Their promises amounted to nothing
Each time a narcissist makes a promise to you, they’re telling you what you want to hear, and failing to deliver every single time.
You hear, “I can’t wait to marry you,” and years go by without another mention.
You hear, “We can go out for dinner next week when work is quieter,” and you end up with yet another night in.
Over time, these lies snowball, and become mountains that mean your life cannot rest on one plane. The worst part is, they don’t care. As long as they appease you in that moment, nothing else matters.
#4 They pretended in order to lure you in
Pretending to be everything you want and more just to lure you in is classic narcissism.
It’s done to give you a sense of promise and security, but the longer you spend with them, the more you realize what a big lie it was.
That means your life as a whole is a lie, because it was built on their mask, and not their real character.
I know it hurts, but this is just what they do.
#5 Love was painted for you, not given to you
It might have looked like love, but love was far from the reality of what you got.
Yes, the words felt real. They sounded so convincing, I know. That’s what they do. There’s nothing honest about them, and even the gestures they offered you.
I know how it can feel like the real thing at first, and it feels unbelievably good, almost like a fairytale.
I fully appreciate the way that can make a person feel, especially if they haven’t received a lot of love in their life.
Real love is consistent, though. It keeps its word, but what you got was a performance.
The narcissist gave you affection when it suited them, and when it didn’t they were the first to apply distance and make you feel like you were too needy, or in the way, or too much.
The picture painted was beautiful, but it was never meant to portray the truth.
#6 They were only after control
Control isn’t always obvious, it can sometimes go under the radar, never quite giving you the awakening you need in order to know what’s happening.
Decisions might shift, and you won’t necessarily notice them. When you look to do something that involves a little independence, the narcissist will panic and make an excuse as to why that won’t be possible.
Over time and very quietly, control grows until you one day realize the scale of what’s been building behind your back.
#7 Knowledge becomes your power
When you learn what’s going on, you can really lean into the knowledge that got you there.
To come to terms with the fact that the narcissist has spent the whole time you’ve known them dragging you into their lies, you will want to know how and why.
Gaining power from knowledge represents the sad fact that all the time prior to having it, you were powerless, and you had no idea the depths narcissists go to.
Heck, you didn’t even know the person you were with was a narcissist!
It’s similar to opening a can of worms; it really makes you look and think, “I’ve been through all of this, and I cannot believe I’ve tolerated it.”
#8 You’re told truths from somebody random
Maybe somebody from outside your circle speaks up about something, or perhaps it’s a person closer to you, like a friend or relative.
Something you’ve normalized about the narcissist or your relationship with has come to light, and they want to tell you, “Hold on, this isn’t right.”
#9 You see how others have been affected
From past partners to their friends, when you start to hear familiar stories and see similar wounds, it’s a sign that your life with the narcissist is a lie.
You can’t tell me they got with you and suddenly learned how to live an honest, kind life.
This is no coincidence, it’s a long history of the same kinds of behavior.
Seeing the pattern outside of yourself is a real eye opener, but it’s also a good way of removing the illusion they placed upon you that everything is always your fault.
Seeing how others have been affected by their narcissism is extremely useful in knowing just where you currently stand.
#10 You take stock of your own wellbeing
Pausing to think about your wellbeing is a good thing, but when you do it and discover a shattered character, it’s time to ask yourself why.
Am I even happy?
Do I feel safe?
Have I been myself all this time?
No, no and no, I ‘d bet.
Those answers matter. They reveal a lot about how you’ve been living this life that’s turned out to be false, and when you can discover that, you can save your future from the same fate.
That’s what really matters.
