“Hey. There’s something I need to tell you, but you can’t tell anybody.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“You promise?”

“Hand on heart.”

Stop there!

Not another word!

You’ve been promised, but the narcissist isn’t going to keep to it.

Why?

Because they can’t.

There are so many promises a narcissist can’t keep, but these 10 aim to deliver you a lesson in what not to discuss with the narcissist in your life.

Prepare yourself!

Believing the Narcissist: The Risks

I know what you’re thinking, because I’ve seen it before in others.

You want to believe the narcissist. They seem so genuine, don’t they?

Everything they’re saying is said with such determination for you to accept it as truth

Promises are made, and you walk away remembering it…

…While the narcissist forgets. 

Believing the narcissist comes with its risks, believe me. 

You’ll run yourself into the ground before you can fully rely on them to be honest with you. 

Your Heart Stays Hopeful

• You love them, so they will produce their promise soon.

• You believe in the best of people. You don’t like giving up on those who need you. 

• They act so nice to you at the time. Their promises make you cling to hope.

• You hope to see the promise come around. All you seem to do is hope.

10 Promises Narcissists Never Keep

#1 Promises of Marriage

One day, you and I are going to get married.

It’ll be the biggest wedding you’ve ever known.

I am going to pull out all the stops for you.

You deserve the day of dreams. 

You’re the one I want to spend forever with.

I can’t wait to call you my husband/wife.

Okay, I could go on forever. The idea of marriage pleases the narcissist only because it pleases you.

They hold onto that promise to hold onto your face everytime they raise the subject.

If you’re having a bad day, they will talk about it to boost your happiness.

Does it ever happen? Do you ever get married?

You know – in some cases – engagement can occur. Sometimes even weddings.

They’re never what they were promised to be. They’re also always at the point where you have gotten to know the person behind the mask a little better, too. 

Mostly though – no. It’s all future faking. 

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#2 “We Can Go This Weekend”

When you ask to go somewhere you really want to go, and you can’t wait to take that trip – the narcissist will back up your excitement by promising to be the one to take you.

They want to share the moment with you, and they can’t wait to spend time with you.

Won’t it be lovely?

Well, yes. It would be even more lovely if they actually kept to their word. 

Promises like this are only meant to make you feel good temporarily. Ultimately, you’ll be let down and it won’t matter.

#3 “One Day…”

One day this.

One day that.

One day won’t it all be perfect.

Well, let me tell you, that day never comes.

You’re never going to get it because it was all a promise intended to keep you quiet for the present moment.

You want to believe, and you want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In fact – that tunnel is never ending. You can only see the light if you see the lies behind the promises. 

#4 “I’ll Change”

I’ll change, I promise.

I’ll do better.

I will make sure I try to make you happier.

I promise I won’t get angry.

I will work on improving my patience. 

Narcissists are very good at promising they will change their behavior. They want you to know they will actively try to improve the way they treat you, so you know their intentions are good and noble.

They’re not!

No narcissist knows how to change. They don’t even know what they’re changing from, because to them, they’re already perfect.

You aren’t going to persuade any of them to be more like you think they ought to be. Why? Because they owe you nothing.

Nothing but fake promises…

#5 “We Will Do More Together”

When you feel the narcissist has been letting you down once too often, you will want to ask them to spend more time with you.

I miss you. You work too much.

I never get to see you.

I wish we could do this or that.

It will be promised, just to keep you happy in that moment.

But don’t expect it’s going to last or even come to fruition. Narcissists see your disappointment and use the chance to vocally pacify you.

Those who get caught up in the constant cycle of abuse will buy it all, too.

#6 “I Promise I’ll Be There”

Narcissists promise they will show their faces when it matters to you. 

Do they?

Well, you’ll be lucky if they showed at all. Sometimes they may be late, and huff and puff all the while they’re actually there. 

Most times, they will make a poor excuse and fail to show up at all. 

Narcissists never fully show up for you.

#7 “I’ll Get That Done At The Weekend”

And guess what? The weekend came and went and you’re still waiting. 

Of course, something came up. They got busy. They hurt their backs. The weather was too bad for it.

If a person wants to do something, they will. 

If they don’t, they won’t.

It is literally that simple.

#8 “I Won’t Forget”

If it’s important to you, it shouldn’t escape the mind of a narcissist. Whether you want to go for dinner and ask them to book a table, or book that day off to spend together for your anniversary.

You have to ask them. And ask. And ask again.

It’s disheartening to feel like you don’t matter, and believe me, I see so many people who understand what this really feels like.

You give your everything to a person, only for them to continuously let you down.

#9 “I’d Never Cheat On You”

Wrong.

Narcissists cheat and lie for a living. 

Cheating isn’t okay, but narcissists can’t possibly promise you that they would never do that, because the fact is, they can, and they do.

Promising you that their world is exclusively for you isn’t going to be enough for them in the long run, and they know it.

#10 “I Promise, I Love You”

What is love? Well, you know. Of course you do. 

The narcissist has no idea.

They only know what they think love should be and try to execute it publicly.

Love isn’t spending lots of money, or making your spouse feel terrible. It isn’t’ abuse or mistreatment. 

When a narcissist promises that they love you, you begin to think that love equates to abuse. 

This is wrong. When it gets to this point – it’s time to leave.

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Like a master puppeteer pulling invisible strings, narcissists possess a cunning ability to manipulate their partners with a calculated precision that borders on artistry.

They employ various tactics that leave their victims bewildered and questioning their reality.

From gaslighting to love-bombing, the methods used by narcissists are as insidious as they are effective. But how exactly do they manage to exert such control?

#1 Gaslighting

Making victims doubt their memories, perceptions, and sanity.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to make you doubt your memories, perceptions, and sanity. 

It’s a form of psychological abuse where the narcissist intentionally distorts the truth, denies previous statements, and manipulates your perception of reality. They may make you question your recollection of events, making you feel like you’re going crazy.

Gaslighting erodes your self-confidence, self-esteem, and independence. 

The narcissist wants to gain power and control over you by making you dependent on their version of reality. They may dismiss your feelings, invalidate your experiences, and make you feel overly sensitive or irrational.

This insidious tactic can have a profound impact on your mental and emotional well-being, leaving you feeling confused, powerless, and isolated.

#2. Love-bombing

Overwhelming victims with affection and attention, only to suddenly withdraw it.

After experiencing the manipulation tactic of gaslighting, you may find yourself subjected to a new form of psychological abuse known as love-bombing: being overwhelmed with affection and attention, only to have it abruptly withdrawn.

Love-bombing is a tactic used by narcissists to gain control and manipulate their partners quickly. 

At the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist showers you with love, compliments, and gifts, making you feel special and desired. They create an intense emotional bond, making you believe they’re your perfect match.

However, they withdraw their affection and attention once they feel they’ve gained your trust and dependence. 

They may become distant, dismissive, or even cruel. This sudden change leaves you confused, hurt, and desperate for their love and approval.

#3. Devaluation

They are criticizing or belittling the victim to erode their self-esteem.

During the devaluation phase, narcissists undermine your self-esteem by consistently criticizing and belittling you. 

They use this tactic to exert control and power over you. The narcissist will find fault in everything you do, constantly pointing out your flaws and failures.

They may mock your appearance, intelligence, or abilities, making you doubt yourself and your worth.

This constant belittlement slowly erodes your self-esteem, making you more reliant on their validation and approval. 

The narcissist wants you to believe that you’re unworthy of love and respect, ensuring that you remain under their control. They may even compare you unfavorably to others, further damaging your self-esteem.

#4 Projection

They are transferring their faults, feelings or behaviors onto the victim.

Narcissists often project their faults, feelings, or behaviors onto their victims, distorting reality and shifting blame. This manipulative tactic allows them to avoid responsibility for their actions and maintain their superiority.

By projecting their negative qualities onto their victims, narcissists create confusion and self-doubt in their partners. They make their victims question their perceptions and reality, leaving them feeling guilty and inadequate.

For example, if a narcissist is cheating on their partner, they may accuse their partner of being unfaithful or distrustful. 

This projection not only deflects attention away from their wrongdoing but also controls and manipulates their partner’s emotions and behaviors.

#5 Silent Treatment

Ignoring or refusing to communicate to punish the victim.

When someone uses the silent treatment as a punishment, they intentionally ignore or refuse to communicate with their victim. This form of manipulation inflicts emotional pain and controls the victim’s behavior.

By withholding communication, the narcissist aims to make their partner feel isolated, neglected, and insignificant. The silent treatment is often used as a power tactic to exert dominance and manipulate the victim’s emotions.

It can be incredibly damaging, as it creates an atmosphere of tension, anxiety, and uncertainty. The victim may feel desperate for the narcissist’s attention and validation, leading to a cycle of dependency and self-doubt.

This deliberate act of silence can have profound psychological effects on the victim, causing them to question their self-worth and perpetuating the narcissist’s control over them.

#6 Triangulation

Using a third person to validate their perspective and belittle the victim.

Triangulation occurs when a narcissist seeks validation for their perspective and belittle their victim by involving a third person. 

This manipulative tactic allows the narcissist to undermine your feelings and opinions, making you question your sanity and worth.

By bringing in a third person, such as a friend, family member, or even an ex-partner, the narcissist aims to create a sense of doubt and insecurity within you. 

They may distort the truth, exaggerate your flaws, or present themselves as the victim, all attempting to control and dominate the narrative.

This tactic not only isolates you from potential support, but it also reinforces the narcissist’s power and control over you. 

#7 Victim Playing

They are portraying themselves as the victim to gain sympathy or manipulate situations.

By portraying themselves as the victim, narcissists manipulate situations and gain sympathy. This tactic allows them to control and manipulate their partners by eliciting a sense of guilt or obligation.

Narcissists are skilled at crafting narratives that paint themselves as the innocent party while portraying their partners as the ones who’ve wronged them.

They play on the empathy and compassion of their partners, seeking to exploit their vulnerability and emotions.

By positioning themselves as the victim, narcissists not only deflect attention away from their toxic behaviors but also gain the upper hand in the relationship dynamic. 

Their partners may feel compelled to apologize, make amends, or even question their perceptions, all to appease the narcissist and maintain peace.

#8. Hoovering

Showering victims with affection when they try to leave, to suck them back into the relationship.

Are victims of narcissistic manipulation often showered with affection to lure them back into the relationship? Absolutely.

This tactic, known as hoovering, is a common tool used by narcissists to maintain control and power over their partners.

When you try to leave, they’ll suddenly shower you with love, attention, and affection, making you question your decision to leave in the first place.

They know exactly how to push your emotional buttons and exploit your vulnerabilities, using your desire for love and validation against you.

This sudden display of affection can be incredibly confusing and disorienting, making it difficult to resist their advances.

They’ll use this opportunity to manipulate and gaslight you, convincing you that they’ve changed and that things will be different this time.

#9 Smear Campaign

Spreading false rumors or exaggerating truths to tarnish the victim’s reputation.

After luring you back into the relationship with a sudden display of affection, narcissists may resort to a smear campaign, spreading false rumors or exaggerating truths to tarnish your reputation. 

This tactic undermines your credibility and isolates you from your support network.

The narcissist will strategically target individuals who are close to you, such as friends, family, or colleagues, to poison their perception of you. They may fabricate stories and twist the truth, making you appear untrustworthy, unreliable, or dangerous.

By tarnishing your reputation, the narcissist gains control and power over you, as they effectively destroy your social standing and make it difficult for you to maintain healthy relationships.

#10 Negging

Backhanded compliments are a tactic to make victims feel vulnerable and seek their approval.

Negging, a manipulative tactic used by narcissists, involves giving backhanded compliments to make their victims feel vulnerable and seek their approval. 

This technique undermines the victim’s self-esteem by mixing a compliment with an insult or criticism. By doing so, the narcissist gains power and control over their partner’s emotions, making them more dependent on their validation.

For example, they might say, ‘You’re really pretty for someone your age,’ implying that the person is only attractive because of their age, rather than their inherent beauty. 

This backhanded compliment leaves the victim feeling insecure and seeking reassurance from the narcissist. Over time, this manipulation erodes their self-confidence, making it easier for the narcissist to maintain control in the relationship.

#11 Moving Goalposts

Continuously changing expectations and standards keep the victim in perpetual confusion and pursuit.

Continuously shifting expectations and standards create a perpetual state of confusion and pursuit for the victim in the manipulative tactic of moving goalposts.

When you first enter a relationship with a narcissist, they may set certain expectations and standards for you to meet. 

However, these expectations constantly change as time passes, leaving you feeling like you can never truly meet their ever-shifting demands.

They may praise you one moment for meeting their expectations, only to suddenly criticize you for not meeting a new set of standards they’ve just created. This manipulation tactic keeps you on your toes, constantly striving to please and gain their approval.

The constant confusion and pursuit of their ever-changing goalposts can leave you feeling trapped and powerless, questioning your worth and sanity.

#12 False Promises

Making grand promises without intending to keep them to control the victim’s behavior.

As the narcissist manipulates their partner by continuously shifting expectations and standards, they also employ the tactic of making grand promises without any intention of keeping them to control the victim’s behavior. 

This behavior aims to gain power and control over their partner, keeping them tangled in a web of false hope and dependency.

By making grand promises, the narcissist creates a false sense of security and happiness, only to shatter it later when they conveniently forget or disregard their commitments. This deliberate deception makes the victim feel disappointed, confused, and desperate for validation.

The narcissist uses these broken promises as a means of manipulation, ensuring that the victim remains compliant and fearful of losing the narcissist’s affection.

It’s a cruel and calculated strategy that perpetuates the narcissist’s control and domination over their partner.

#13 Intermittent Reinforcement

Alternating between reward and punishment to create an addiction to their approval.

Intermittent reinforcement creates an addiction to the narcissist’s approval by alternating between reward and punishment. This manipulative tactic keeps you hooked on their validation, constantly seeking their approval and trying to please them.

At times, the narcissist may shower you with love, affection, and praise, making you feel valued and special. 

These rewards create a euphoria and reinforce your desire for their approval. However, they can be taken away just as quickly as the rewards come.

The narcissist may suddenly become distant, cold, or critical, leaving you confused and desperate for their positive attention once again. 

This alternating pattern between reward and punishment keeps you in constant uncertainty, making their approval feel like a rare and precious commodity.

You become addicted to seeking their validation, hoping the next reward is near.

#14 Feigning Innocence

Denying or feigning ignorance about a clearly manipulative act to confuse the victim.

After experiencing the addictive cycle of intermittent reinforcement, narcissists further manipulate their partners by feigning innocence and denying or pretending to be ignorant about their manipulative acts, leaving the victims confused and questioning their perceptions. 

This tactic is aimed at gaslighting their partners, making them doubt their own sanity and memory.

When confronted with their manipulative behavior, narcissists often respond with statements like ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ or ‘I would never do something like that.’ 

By casting doubt on the victim’s perception of reality, the narcissist gains control and power over the relationship. The victim feels confused, frustrated, and unable to trust their judgment.

The narcissist’s feigned innocence serves as a potent weapon in their arsenal of manipulation tactics, further undermining the victim’s self-esteem and fostering a sense of powerlessness.