Narcissistic abuse is alive at this very moment in 1 in 5 relationships. It’s a scary number, right?

Knowing that you probably know somebody who had to deal with the toxic treatment of their partner is a very real thing to deal with.

So, what do you think of when you hear the words narcissistic abuse?

Hitting? Yelling? Well, it can include those terrible aspects – but it goes a lot deeper.

I want to show you exactly how deep this well of misery can go, with 10 perfect examples of narcissistic abuse.

Narcissistic Abuse is Still Abuse

I know it may not seem like it – but when you unravel all the different forms of abuse and roll them into one – that’s exactly what narcissistic abuse looks like.

Intimate, physical, emotional, mental, financial, neglect – they all count toward living with a narcissist, and over the years can have a devastating effect on its victims. 

As you read through these examples, I want you to feel if they have, or ever have, resonated with you. 

It’s never too late to ask for help, and it’s never too late to start over. 

10 Perfect Examples of Narcissistic Abuse

#1 Silence

I know a lot of survivors of narcissistic abuse who will admit that one of the worst aspects of the abuse was when they were given the silent treatment. 

It’s truly so damaging, and it’s done in a way that creates absolute fear and dread in the person on the receiving end. 

The silent treatment occurs whenever the narcissist feels like it, and what does that do to the victim?

It makes them feel as though they’re constantly walking on eggshells.

They wait for the mood shift. 

They overthink what caused it.

They place blame on themselves. 

They feel guilty, knowing they ‘caused it.’

And what does the narcissist think/do?

Well, they love it! Why wouldn’t they? Every time they give you the cold shoulder, they’re watching you squirm and get yourself upset.

They take away your good days, and replace them with bad.

#2 Gaslighting

Life can become unfair and unjust very quickly when you have your reality distorted by the narcissist.

In a clear attempt to mess with your mind and alter your reality, they will not hesitate to gaslight you.

This can be done in various ways, and I want to show you several right now.

Gaslighting:

1. Your memory can be pulled into question. The narcissist wants you to remember an event or conversation their way, so they will erase your memory of it by calling you forgetful or telling you that it ‘didn’t happen that way.’ Soon enough, you just agree, because you wrongly trust them.

2. They themselves can become confused by what you’re saying or doing, in an attempt to cause you to doubt yourself. You do, and you almost apologize for making them feel that way (and hey, they got what they wanted!)

3. They refuse to listen to you, which in turn makes you think that what you’re saying is in fact wrong. You go along with their opinion or thought instead, as it’s so much easier than fighting for your own opinion or lived experience. 

4. They deny knowledge of what you’re talking about, even if it’s something innocent. They see you’re passionate or excited, and they want to get rid of that feeling within you as soon as possible. The only way to do that, is to crush you.

5. Narcissists can tell you that you’re being too sensitive. You’re overreacting, and you’re intentionally trying to confuse them. This blame is unreal, but it works, as the victim backs down. 

#3 Criticism

All narcissists criticize where they can, saying whatever means things they can think of just to bring you down a peg or two.

Do you deserve it? No! You don’t deserve any kind of abuse, but you mostly don’t deserve to be treated in a way that completely shatters you out of the blue. 

Whether it’s how you look, what you say, what you like, who you choose to spend your time with, what hobbies you have, what your job is – the narcissist will find a way to poke at it. 

#4 “I Was Just Joking”

Hey, narcissist, stop with the ridiculous justifications for being a terrible person!

Joking is meant to be fun and for all people to enjoy. When you’re making somebody the butt of your joke, it no longer becomes a joke.

It’s a way for the narcissist to allow themselves to get away with being unkind and disguising it as humor.

It is not.

#5 “You Don’t Need Them”

Pulling you away from people you care about in the hope it leaves you cut off from your support circle is a huge red flag – and points to narcissistic abuse.

Narcissists want you alone, so any way they treat you can be yours to deal with by yourself. 

If that sounds worrying, it’s because it is.

#6 Rage

We all get annoyed occasionally, but purposely raging at another person is terrifying, unnecessary, and unpleasant. 

To be so angry that you just explode, knowing you will upset that person, is toxic. Narcissists do it to get a reaction, and that reaction is fear.

Rage comes from the inability to handle emotions properly, and the desire to intimidate the people you claim to like or love.

#7 You’re Hot Then You’re Cold

I hear all victims of narcissistic abuse say, which will it be today?

In truth, you’ll never know. The narcissist isn’t going to tell you what kind of mood they will be in. It’s your to constantly walk on eggshells to find out. 

#8 Love-Bombing

While male narcissists tend to love-bomb, female narcissists prefer to use intimacy as a weapon of enticement for their victims.

It works to trap – and it works to form attachment bonds that are hard to break away from. 

As loving as they may seem – it’s all an act.

#9 Guilt

Narcissists will use any way they can to make you feel guilty. If you say something they deem out of line or insensitive (the irony…), they will make you feel bad for it.

If you accuse them of anything, or complain that they were late, they will offer you the whole, “I work hard to put food on the table, it’s no wonder I have to work all the hours I can get,” line. 

If you forget an important event or meeting, they won’t hesitate in reminding you. If you do the same, they’ll make you feel terrible for even suggesting they owe you an apology.

Narcissists love the guilt trip. It means they can hatch all their inner self-hate onto you, and watch you crumble as a result. 

#10 And It’s All In The Cycle

If I could describe the narcissistic cycle of abuse in a few words, they’d be:

I love you, you’re annoying, I’m done with this, I’ve changed.

That’s the cycle that loops and loops, turns and turns, and you get stuck in it like a sock caught in a washing machine. 

It’s why you often hear of people who ‘can’t leave,’ or ‘don’t know how to leave.’

The abuse is in the hesitancy – and only you can alter that. 

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives then have meaning, just as they feel they should every day.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.

This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.