You’d think having kids would soften anybody’s character, wouldn’t you? The little smiles, the cuddles; knowing you are raising somebody into the world to follow their dreams.
I’ll stop myself there, because that’s now how narcissists see their own kids.
And it’s one of the most painful realization I think a person with a narcissistic parent can make.
If you want the brutal truth, I’ve got 10 painful ways narcissists treat their kids for you. Read them with kindness to yourself.
#1 Affection only if…
I try not to get too angry at these kinds of topics because I know so many people have suffered at the hands of narcissistic parents.
It just takes one to completely ruin your life.
When kids are kids,they need to be raised with love and affection. Time. Patience. Healing energy.
Encouragement. They need to be in the kind of environment that soothes their nervous system rather than creates a chaotic mess inside them.
And yet so many abusive people right now are out there doing this very thing.
Affection doesn’t come with a but. It should be what we do and practice as parents.
To comfort and nurture, and to play a part in how we emotionally regulate our kids, so they learn to do the same for themselves as they get older.
#2 Silent treatment?
Kids are not responsible for your feelings, yet narcissists make it that way every time they give their kid the silent treatment.
What’s wrong with daddy?
Why is mommy not talking?
Is it good to be this way? No. Kids feel pain when you dismiss them like this, and for no good reason.
Our problems shouldn’t be filtered down to them, nor should they be the kids’ issues to try to fix.
Silent treatment created anxiety, too, which no child needs to feel.
#3 Feelings never validated
Dramatic or weak? That’s what a lot of kids raised by a narcissist will be called if they dare try to voice their feelings.
Imagine being told that your feelings are pathetic, or a waste of time. What good is that kind of talk?
What use is it to speak like that to people you’re supposed to be helping to grow?
When a narcissist invalidates your feelings, they’re teaching you yet again that you don’t matter.
So more often than not, you are then faced with what you do next, and nine times out of ten, that’s to bury whatever it is you’ve got going on.
Which is never healthy.
#4 Kids becoming an extension of them
Try not to yell this when I type it but kids are not an extension of their parents!
Sure, you made them, and sure you share a lot of DNA and characteristics. You have the same smile or eyes, but that’s it.
They are their own people, and raising them to be independent from you and your own agenda for them is how you raise rounded, healthy futures of tomorrow.
Narcissists do not operate this way. They want their kids to grow up and take after them, and they will almost punish those who defy that and choose their own path.
And you as an adult? You don’t know yourself, because you never got to explore yourself as a kid.
#5 “You succeeded because of me!”
Any success their kids do get has to be down to the narcissist!
If it weren’t for my money you wouldn’t have gotten that diploma!
Of course you got the job. Be abuse is know.the boss and he owed me a big favor!
Nothing you do can possibly be off your own back because you earned it. Imagine having to constantly live in the shadow of somebody like that, and never really knowing what it’s like to celebrate yourself.
That’s gotta hurt.
#6 Mocking their interests
Being a kid is all about being curious. Interests may come and go, and others may stick.
The beauty of either of those is the opportunity to decide for yourself what you keep in your life, and what you get rid of.
Parents have the job to encourage you to follow your interests and passions, thus digging deep into your purpose and what feels good for you.
Without that, kids of narcissistic parents grow up to be adults who have no idea what fires them up, and how to even enjoy the things they like.
This comes from mocking you for what you do like growing up. You learn to shut out your interests and do things instead that please others.
And it’s not right.
#7 Belittling them
Seriously, there’s nothing worse. Narcissists are so toxic that they even include their own kids in the list of people they belittle.
Whether it’s in front of others or not, those mean words fall from their mouths and hurt.
It can be how you look, what you wear, how you speak, how you do something; anything at all.
How can they be so cruel? Because they love to see your reaction. They get a kick out of your sadness. And it’s you who suffers.
#8 Invasion of boundaries
I always think knocking on your kids’ doors is the way to go, even if they are 5 years old.
Let them know you’re there, and you’re entering their space. This is an example of physical boundaries, but also the emotional ones.
The ones where they feel sad or mad and stomp off to another spot in their house, or stop tickling them when they say they’ve had enough.
Boundaries are everywhere when it comes to kids and their parents, and sadly, narcissists are not a fan of them in any setting.
This includes you as a kid, so it’s no wonder you have a hard time implementing them as an adult.
#9 Emotional parentification
Parents should be the parent, and kids should be the kid. It’s that simple, and I don’t even know why it would be any other way.
Emotional parentification is the act of the child taking the place of the parent, and the parent needing that from their child.
It’s not right, and it puts pressure on the child to grow up faster than they need to.
Not only that, it puts them in a place where they feel they have to fix every situation that feels broken to them.
This kind of pressure grows into that kid the older they get, and that role remains.
I can’t imagine how painful that must feel.
#10 Jealousy
When your kid does something good, or achieves anything, you want to celebrate it, don’t you?
It’s not always the case for all parents. As narcissists go, they are jealous of anybody and everything is the attention isn’t on them.
Kids soon learn not to celebrate wins if they have any at all. It teaches them not to grow or shine in any way.
It encourages a feeling of guilt if anything good happens to them. As adults, that looks like self-sabotage the second anything starts to go well for them.
Failure by default is not a failure, it’s a conscious act to spoil positivity flooding your way.
