A mother should be the glue that holds the family together. With nurturing at the forefront of mothers who are emotionally healthy, the same cannot be said for those with narcissistic tendencies.
In fact, narcissistic mothers crumble their family, while pretending they’re perfect.
They hide that control so well. You’d think she was the leader of a family to be envious of, but she is instead head of a dynamic that she pulls the strings of.
Let’s uncover those 10 hidden ways she controls everybody.
#1 The Family Image Narrative
How many of you remember hearing the words, “What happens in this house stays in this house.”
Here’s another one: “We have a strong family image to uphold. Don’t do anything that jeopardizes that.”
Yeah. That would be because your narcissistic mother wanted to behave however she wanted, while you smile and keep it a secret.
It’s a huge way to control a family, and proves that there are two different versions of her that she’s portraying. One for you, and one for everybody outside the house.
#2 Creates Dependent Kids
A narcissistic mother is tremendously good at creating kids who can’t think, act or function for themselves.
She makes all the decisions, speaks for them whatever chance she gets, and even prevents them from working big jobs so that they always come to her for money (then she can complain about it).
This is great for her; she gets to have her kids and have them all need her.
Narcissists are happiest when they’re needed, because it makes them feel special, even though they will tell everybody that her kids need to get out and be more independent.
It’s a classic case of the kids never being able to win.
#3 Sabotaging Any Relationships She Does Not Benefit From
If a relationship doesn’t benefit her, your narcissistic mother will do all she can to destroy it.
She will do this by convincing you that the person you’re close to is trouble, or that they cannot be trusted.
She can even tell you lies about that person, so that you learn – or rather programmed – to dislike and even resent them.
Eventually, those relationships will become so fractured that you will step away, and your narcissistic mother will get what she wants.
If she’s not got anything to get from it, she will want it dead and buried.
#4 Refuses to Praise
You won’t get any praise from a narcissistic mother, and that can sometimes be the heaviest form of control going.
Imagine being so under her manipulation that she determines how you feel about yourself; that’s exactly why she withholds it.
On the odd occasion you hear something good, it will feel like a breadcrumb of hope in a world of darkness, and you’ll do anything to chase another complement, abandoning yourself and your own needs in the process.
Sadly, that means all your achievements will be downplayed, and you’ll eventually learn to downplay them yourself.
That doesn’t mean they are any less worth celebrating – on the contrary. You just need to notice the pattern, and realize it’s all about control.
#5 Loves to Guilt Trip
Any, and I mean any opportunity your narcissist mother gets to guilt-trip you, she will.
You’ll hear:
After all I do for you.
I wouldn’t be angry if you just did what you needed to do.
You’ll probably think to yourself, “Why can’t I do anything right?” You can, but to her, you will never be able to, and that will give her permission to make you feel bad whenever she gets the chance.
Your mother will love this, meaning she gets to control how you feel yet again, but making it your fault.
#6 Uses the Silent Treatment
A powerful tool, but powerful doesn’t always mean good. This is a prime example of that, with the silent treatment regularly being used to control the atmosphere of the house, and your mood.
You tiptoe around her, knowing something isn’t right. She sighs and tuts, but refuses to talk to you or tell you what’s wrong.
You learn to assume the problem is you, so you try to make it up to her and please her. Nothing works.
It is a weapon used against you, because your narcissistic mother knows you react to her silence in pain and anxiety.
It displays you as somebody who is fully caring and present, yet unable to figure out what’s wrong.
She will convince you that her silence is for a reason, but the hidden part is, there is none other than her determination to make you miserable.
#7 Triangulates Family Members
No narcissistic mother would ever admit to using triangulation to control her family, but all the same, she will pick her favorite family member, and her least favorite.
She will put them against each other, constantly making the other feeling either superior or inferior to the other, causing conflict and competition.
It will work. It always does. If I tell you now that so many siblings end up falling out because the narcissistic mother has got involved and made it happen, I want you to believe it because it is so true.
There’s no way back for a lot of family members here. Sadly, there will always be one who is fully under the narcissist’s spell, and will do whatever they can do please them (also known as the Golden Child).
#8 Uses Classic Gaslighting Techniques
You were always such a difficult child.
I did everything I could for you but you were never grateful.
Your father agrees with me.
Oh, like it couldn’t get any more hurtful, right? And all you have experience of is hearing these lies, yet over time being convinced that they’re the truth just because she says so.
That’s gaslighting to a tee, and what makes people feel so confused about their memory.
Gaslighting is done to shroud your perception of reality, so that you doubt yourself and inevitably learn to rely on her for information.
She will feed that information to you how she wants it to be painted, leaving you thinking what she said happened.
Over time, that signals a lot of danger.
#9 Undermines Your Confidence at Any Opportunity
Trust the narcissistic mother to make you feel small. The problem with a parent like this who commands full control of her family is that you aren’t allowed to dream big, or want success for yourself.
You are held back intentionally to be kept insignificant, and any goals you want for yourself are stolen from you.
That’s because your narcissistic mother can’t imagine a life where you are more successful than she is.
She doesn’t want you to have that kind of glory in life, as it will only result in jealousy.
Can you imagine living like that and having that kind of roof put on your limits?
This is why so many kids of narcissistic mothers grow up and realize later in life that they still have so many dreams left unfulfilled, and flourish.
In other words, it’s never too late to make it happen for yourself, and that’s the kind of high I want to end this on!
