Today is all about you. Without naming anybody, I have compiled messages from people who have contacted me about their narcissistic parents – who are now grandparents.
10 disturbing things in all, and each one sent in by you, the real expert of narcissistic abuse, because you are the ones experiencing it.
If you want to get a real insight on what your children’s narcissistic grandparents are teaching them, then look no further.
#1 How to continue the curse
The curse of generational narcissism is strong, and it affects more families than you could probably ever imagine.
It doesn’t matter who you are, you will know more than one family who has a narcissist in it, and maybe that family is your own.
When it comes to narcissistic grandparents, they will teach their grandkids only how to prolong that generational curse, and keep it going.
Letting your kids be freely around them will enable them to be taught how to ask for love based on condition, rather than innate, unconditional, pure love.
It will also enable the narcissistic grandparents to triangulate as much as possible, creating division and drama.
#2 That perfection is the only acceptable presentation of a person
Kids aren’t perfect, adults aren’t perfect; none of us are perfect.
Why can’t narcissistic grandparents just happily admit this and move on with their life instead of trying to extract perfection from their own grandkids?
They won’t. They will want to see the perfect grades, the perfect walking and talking, the perfect attitude, and the perfect skills.
Anything lower than perfect will not be acceptable, and that’s an extreme amount of pressure on children who are still learning and growing.
It’s okay to make mistakes, without condemning yourself, pushing yourself, or even pretending to be prefect when you are clearly not.
Sounds familiar? That’s because I have just described the narcissist!
#3 Triangulation
Triangulation needs a topic all by itself. Narcissistic grandparents will teach your kids who to trust, and who to believe based on what narrative they want to spin.
They will chip in words or phrases that will paint others in a different light, causing fallout, jealousy and resentment.
Your brother is far better than you at painting.
You know, if you work hard enough, you’ll get good grades just like your sister.
Eat nicely, like your brother is doing.
The comments flow, and the digs ensue. As a child, you just see that other person as the competition, rather than a loving sibling whom you should cherish.
The battle begins at a young age, and the it’s all down to the comments the narcissistic grandparent makes.
#4 How to manipulate
Manipulation is learned, and narcissistic grandparents can easily teach your kids to be manipulative.
Comments such as:
If you came here more often, I’d get to play with you more.
Can I have a piece of your chocolate? Grandma will cry if you don’t treat her nicely.
Oh, I could go on forever, but you get the jist. The manipulation seems like small, innocent comments to the narcissistic grandparent, but we know there’s much more to them.
#5 How to gaslight
Only babies cry.
Stop yelling, you’re giving Grandpa an earache.
Mummy is just mean isn’t she? She doesn’t want to have any fun.
You’re a lovely granddaughter, the only person who understands their grandma.
You’re faced with a real problem when narcissists do this to their grandkids, as you will have a hard time undoing the damage they cause the longer it lasts.
#6 How to love attention
Kids love attention, but this is the kind of attention that is not good for a child.
Narcissistic grandparents can teach their grandkids to vie for constant attention, and to never accept anything less.
From making a scene and crying, to being the victim, to causing conflict that results in attention on them for good reasons – all attention matters.
But only if you’re a narcissist.
#7 How to fight for love
No child should ever have to fight for love, but if you’re being given reasons why you need to, then something is seriously wrong.
For example, imagine a child falling out with their sibling because they’ve got your attention and affection for a moment.
It gets to the point where they will actively do anything just for their parents to say, “Well done, I love you so much!”
And the rest of the time? They’re ignored and neglected.
This isn’t love at all, but it’s what narcissists believe constitutes it.
It’s very unhealthy to teach a child that this is the way to love. It should never have to be earned in family dynamics.
#8 What disturbing standards of love should be set
The standards of love should always be high, but narcissists work hard to lower them for their victims, making them feel that no higher standard is possible.
In fact, standards can drop so low that victims see no worth in it, and will learn to adapt to being treated coldly, abusively, and inconsistently.
No child should ever have a low standard of love, whether they are your child or not.
This is how they grow into adults who allow themselves to be abused, because they aren’t aware that anything better out there even exists.
Imagine your child as an adult being in an abusive relationship, and wishing you had the chance to go back and review love extensively with them.
#9 That narcissism is normal
Narcissism is only normal to the narcissist. For the rest of us, it is highly abnormal, and should be treated as such.
Teaching your grandkids as a narcissist that your behavior is normal and should be respected in some way is highly dysfunctional, as it only serves to continue said behaviors through the lives of those who come after.
I think those who stop narcissism in its tracks are the brave ones.
The ones who decide that no-contact is better for their kids than allowing more narcissism to seep into their little veins are the ones who have really come a long way in healing.
#10 Being ignored is part of life
Being ignored is not a part of life. Giving your grandkids the silent treatment is both weak and pathetic, not to mention abusive.
This is how children grow up feeling as though they have to walk on eggshells just to get by.
The constant, “Are you okay?” or, “Did I do something wrong?” is exactly what I mean when I refer to being ignored, and to the grandparent, it’s a way of gaining power and control.
Consider this: If you were ignored as a child, how confusing would it be to you before that confusion became a normal part of your life?
You would anticipate periods of silence that create an anxiety within you that you became equally accustomed to.
That’s not right, nor is it okay.
When you ignore a child, you’re leaving their minds wide open to try to interpret what’s going on, and the smaller the child, the harder that will be.
My advice?
Keep the narcissistic grandparents away from your kids at all time!
