Your children are your world, yet you share them with a narcissist. It makes the whole parenting journey incredibly difficult, as chaos is never far from any day, and conflict is not much farther behind.
You want your spouse to show up for your kids, but instead they ignore their parenting duties and make you a scapegoat.
They treat you like you’re the black sheep, and all the blame and ridicule piles onto you.
Today, I’ve got 10 examples of how they do this, and I want to hear from you how many are relevant in your life.
You want to be part of a team
How can anybody have a serious conversation with a narcissist, let alone a serious relationship?
Yet, narcissists worm their way into good people’s lives and end up marrying and/or having kids with them.
Suddenly, that team you visualized so innocently and hopefully diminishes, because where narcissists are involved, there is never a team.
Instead, the usual dynamics are laid out by the narcissist, who always wants their kids to side with them, support them and bow down to their every need.
There’s no love, there’s just the desperate need for supply.
It’s easy for them to ignore what they’re actually supposed to be doing and instead make your life hell by giving you the role of scapegoat.
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Every blame falls upon you, you’re the one who suffers the most because you’re the one who feels the most. The narcissist knows this about you, as they know you well.
#1 They Prioritize their image over your child’s needs
As long as the narcissist looks good, nothing else matters. Children need love from the moment they’re born, and as they get older, their needs shift and change.
Ultimately love is always the foundation, right? We give everything we can to them out of that unconditional love.
If you have a problem with that, you’re going to place yourself firmly in the role of scapegoat even further.
How dare you question them? How dare you try to get in the way of the narcissist’s image that they put out into the public?
Being the scapegoat is no fun, and it’s a role that many people constantly feel they forever live in, even after leaving a narcissist.
People who put their image in front of everything else, even something as important as their own children’s needs, will be a problem to you.
That’s when the narcissist makes you the problem.
#2 They deny or minimize any emotional distress
Why should any distress be minimized? The narcissist is more worried that said distress will reflect badly on them rather than stick around to find out what’s wrong.
They aren’t good at giving authentic advice or being a shoulder to cry on, so they deny or act like any emotional distress from their child doesn’t exist.
So you pick it all up, and it’s heavy to carry alone. Then as the scapegoat, you’re blamed for being too distracted, tired, or demanding if you approach the narcissist and ask them to, oh I don’t know… be a parent!
It’s not difficult to support your kids, yet it is for them.
#3 Work got busy
It’s the perfect way to get out of their responsibilities. Work got busy, they weren’t home when they said they would be.
You have to delay what you need to do because you’re busy taking care of your kids.
But you’ll do it though, right? You’re already doing it, so what does another hour or two matter?
#4 They’re tired
So what? We’re all tired and stressed, but we get on with it because we have a whole host of emotions that we have to maneuver.
Being tired is all part of being a parent. We worry, we work hard, we get up at night when they’re sick, we clean up after them, and we make sure they are fed and watered.
Then we have all the rest of life to work out in between, but that’s what all parents do.
It isn’t an excuse to pass the buck to you and make you the scapegoat.
#5 They got sick
It’s horrible being sick when you have kids, especially if they’re the ones who pass the bugs onto you!
We’ve all been there. We can cope at first because we’re in good shape. Then we catch it right as they’re getting better and boom.
Nightmare mode activated.
But it’s good (and wise) to help each other through it, rather than solely assume your partner is going to do all the work.
Narcissists will ignore that fact and keep their parenting duties off the list of priorities because, why should they? They need rest!
Selfish? You betcha!
#6 It’s their day off
So? What do you expect to do, nothing all day?
That’s not how life works, especially when you’re an adult, and even more so when you have kids”
It was a team venture to create them, so it should be a team venture to raise them.
There is no day off from being a parent, and this is something only a narcissist would say.
Of course, they think they’re right.
#7 Delegating all discipline and caregiving to you
Good old you, right? You’ll do it. You’ll pick up the slack. The narcissist might sugar coat it with:
You’re just so much better at it than I am.
Don’t fall for the nice comments, you’re still the scapegoat, only they will know all the ways to press your buttons and give you a bit of a confidence boost when they think it will work wonders for you.
And then bam. You get lumbered with all the world and responsibility so they can go and do whatever the heck they want to do.
#8 Sabotaging routines, boundaries, or schedules
Oh you know what? Something came up.
I can’t make it, but I see you’re free. You can go to the recital.
You said you’re happy to look after them, and all I want to do is play golf. What’s the problem?
The narcissist will push you into a corner to get what they want, and if you allow it, they will assume it’s something that will always work.
Using routines, boundaries or schedules as excuses will nearly always fall on you to be the scapegoat.
And you’ll think, “Well, what choice is there? It’s either me or them doing the parenting, so I guess it’s me.”
Bingo. Their plan worked.
#9 Gaslighting the child
You love it when mama looks after you, don’t you?
Do you want to be with me all day even though I don’t feel great, or would you rather do something fun with dad?
You can frame it however you want, but I am promising you that these kinds of comments are so manipulative, and will never work to your advantage.
The child will pick the funnest option, no matter what that is. If you’re framed to be the fun parent, you might think, “That’s nice. They think I am fun.”
This is not what’s happening here!
This is the narcissist ignoring what they have to do and turning the whole thing into you being the scapegoat…
…Yet again.
