Why do Narcissists Lie?

Why do narcissists lie? “Because they can”…as the cliché goes. Seriously, many narcissists do lie and they lie constantly. They lie about their education, they lie about their achievements, and they lie about extramarital affairs or what they had for dinner. If someone else is boasting about their 2012 Mercedes, a narcissist will claim (s)he has a 2013 Mercedes just to make her/himself appear more superior.

Narcissists may lie for a variety of reasons which include seeking admiration or to hide their flaws or mistakes. They commonly lie to seek attention. In some cases, a person with this type of personality disorder will lie in order to make the person (s)he is lying to question their own sense of reality.

Narcissists use lying and deception as handy tools to get whatever they want. A narcissist will look you right in the eyes, without blinking, and lie right to your face. Narcissists become so skilled at lying that many of them believe that they are telling the truth. Others use constant lying as a way of controlling the people around them.

Probably the most common lie is due to the unusually strong need a narcissistic person has for people to admire him or her. In an effort to make her/himself feel more important, or more talented, or powerful than(s) he is, an individual with a narcissistic personality may grossly exaggerate when he tells of his or her accomplishments. It is not beneath him or her to tell lies about another person in an effort to diminish the other person’s accomplishments. By doing so, a narcissistic person believes he will make himself or herself seem better in the eyes of those around him.

Another very common reason for lying is evident in the narcissist’s need to gain attention. It is not unusual for them to make up stories about themselves in an effort to make others view them as more interesting. Narcissists may also tell lies in order to make people feel sorry for them in an effort to seek attention as a victim. They have been known to tell people they have cancer or some other disease when, in fact, they don’t.

Types of Lies

What types of lies do they tell? The following examples of “conscious” lies are what a narcissistic 16 year old might say to her parents when they left her home “alone” for a night: (These examples are compiled by Randi Kreger from BPDcentral.com. Read her full article Here.)

  1. Lies of omission: telling the truth but not the whole truth in a way designed to mislead (“While you were gone I watched a DVD”–not mentioning the five people who were also over and who drank beer).
  2. Not speaking up when asked a direct question: (Silence when asked, “What did you do when we were gone?”)
  3. Making up facts that are not true: (“I did my homework while you were gone”).
  4. Embellishing the truth is a way that misleads: (“I took care of the cat”–meaning she petted it a few times but forgot to feed him on time or change the litter box).
  5. Insisting that a truth is a falsehood: (“I did not have friends over!”).
  6. “Gaslighting”: an attempt to erode another’s reality by denying their experience (“No, the house looks exactly like it did when you left. Is there something wrong with your vision?”).
  7. Acknowledging the truth but assigning motives that were never there to make yourself look better: (“Yes, I had people here but only because I was so lonely without you that I was getting very depressed and started crying”).
  8. Keeping secrets for the wrong reasons: (One of the friends stole the mother’s expensive earrings).

Unconscious Lies

There are also unconscious lies that the narcissist believes on a conscious level. Being truthful takes the ability to be honest with yourself, because if you’re not honest with yourself- you won’t be honest with others. For example:

  1. When a narcissist says that everyone loves and respects her when it’s obvious to others it’s not true, that’s an unconscious lie.
  2. They project their own feelings onto others. For instance, their “You hate me,” means “I hate myself” (or “I hate you”). These tend to be more “untruths” rather than overt lies.

Attitude toward Lying

If you have to deal with a narcissist, you face a major problem; it is the narcissist’s attitude towards lying.

Most adults have learned that lying tends to be destructive in the end and that it ultimately leads to isolation and loneliness. It hinders any sincere communication and hence the narcissist will find her/himself increasingly on the outside and eventually excluded.

However, as much as the narcissist notices this isolation and may react with increasing panic, it does not bring about a modification of the narcissist’s lying, which is one of their major coping strategies.
The attitude of the narcissist towards lying is immature and simple: If the narcissist lies and gets away with it, (s)he interprets this as being clever and superior to others. The narcissist views lying as an excellent tool to obtain what (s)he wants; it is also a means to demonstrate how stupid others are. A person who wishes to engage in real communication, or shows openness, will be viewed by the narcissist as an utter fool who deserves to be exploited. Willingness to communicate and to show openness will be viewed by the narcissist as weakness or stupidity.

The Effect of Lies

Whether conscious or unconscious lies, the results are the same for the people involved in narcissistic peoples’ lives:

  • Lies erode trust and intimacy. One man said,” I learned never to really trust her. It leaves me feeling very alone in the relationship. I don’t trust her about our finances. I don’t trust her regarding the parenting of our children. I don’t trust her with my heart anymore. I simply don’t trust her.”
  • Some people come to believe the lies that the narcissist tells about them. A man went to therapy for years to “fix himself” until a therapist indicated his wife might have NPD.
  • Narcissists confuse and paralyze others around them—especially when they use gaslighting which drives others to question their own sanity.
  • It is an understatement to say that the people around them feel betrayed and hurt. Betrayal leads to a lack of trust, which reduces intimacy, which destroys relationships.

References:

  1. www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Why-Do-Narcissists-and-Borderlines-Lie-So-Much-24
  2. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201112/why-some-narcissists-and-borderlines-lie?page=2
  3. http://www.chameleongroup.org.uk/npd/lies.html
  4. http://wisegeek.com/what-is-the-connection-between-narcissism-and-lying.htm#did-you-know
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About Alexander Burgemeester

9 Responses to “Why do Narcissists Lie?”

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  1. ziba says:

    I enjoyed your articles.
    I am dealing with narcissist too and unfortunately he is my husband.

  2. Debra says:

    Tell me please. How does one deal with a person of this nature if one has no choice? Should they be confronted with their lies? Can one prevent it in their children? If so, how?

    • Gary says:

      Knowing whether someone is a true narcissist, or just a selfish jerk isn’t an easy determination to make. Narcissist are rare. I’ve met lots of selfish jerks in my life, but only two people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

      I bring that up first, because it makes all the difference in the world when dealing with that other person. NPD is a severe mental illness. People who suffer from NPD don’t form intimate connections with the people in their lives in the way that that the rest of us do. Narcissist want to attention and to be admired by the masses, but other than that, the narcissist is only concerned with what they can use you for. Even with their own parents or children, while they may feel some sense of entitlement or social expectations for them to behave in a certain way as members of a family or as parents to their own kids, but they lack any genuine feelings of love. Understanding that, it’s easy to see why a narcissist doesn’t have a problem with constantly telling you lies. It would be kinda like you telling lies to a virtual girl on a computer screen. No matter how disgusted the virtual girl became with hearing your lies, it wouldn’t really bother you.

      Narcissist care about your feelings about as much as you care about a chicken’s feelings. All they really want is for you to give them their required attention and admiration, and anything else just isn’t important. The only way for a narcissist to be able to tolerate being around someone else, is if they can find some way to gain from the situation. Even with their own children, the narcissist will accept the social responsibility of being a parent, but their real motivation will be to use the child as tool to get attention or praise from others.

      Narcissist feel that telling lies is a necessary part element required to manipulate you and everyone else in their life, and instead of complaining, you should just be grateful that they’ve allowed you to be in their life at all.

      Telling the narcissist that it wrong to tell lies and that it hurts people would be a complete waste of your air. They can’t understand how something that’s so good for them can be a bad thing; regardless of who else gets hurt.

      If on the other hand, said person is just a selfish jerk who is capable of being a better person with the proper motivation, the Yes, by all means tell them what you really think!

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  4. paris says:

    Yep they lie!!!
    I spent almost three years with the Lying King!
    Thank God, I am done and didn’t marry this despicable human being.
    They are serial killers of the soul!!

    • Lou says:

      Best description ever – serial killers of the soul. My other half’s ex still has emotional issues now and it’s only in the last couple of years I’ve realised he lied about her. He’s been lying about me to his friends – he tells them I’m jealous and possessive when I’ve never been any such thing – we just have trust issues because he slept with his ex behind my back (denied I existed to her so I don’t blame her), joined dating websites and blocks me on Facebook once he started adding new female “friends” He needs their adoration and he lies about me to get it. Poor man with the jealous girlfriend. Yes we have trust issues and he tells them all that but he doesn’t tell them what he did to break my trust… And now he’s stopped me socialising with his friends… I can’t decide if he’s jealous when they say they like me (actually he is he even said it makes him sick haha) or if he’s worried I’ll find out just how bad the lies about me are (I suspect it’s that TOO)…. Either way I’ve put up with it for 11 years – his ex lasted 12 years… But now I’m done. Narcissists are not human… When they say they love you they mean they love how you make them feel… Superior, wonderful, loved…. They don’t care how they make you feel when they have narcissistic episodes and don’t dare tell them.. They can’t handle the truth about themselves… Eventually you will display signs of mental Ill health and bang their friends will say oh my gosh he was right about her… Poor man and so it goes on… Serial killers of the soul…. Spot on. I’m done too x

  5. June says:

    I would like to find other people to talk with, for support. The lies, the smear campaigns and finding and using your own friends to use against you to make you appear crazy. I have never known anyone like it. Amazing people will listen to someone so totally nuts. Seeking attention and claiming to be the victim.

    • Light One says:

      Dear June,
      I would also like to talk to other people dealing with a narcissist. I had no idea what I was getting into when I married my prince charming, and it has been a steady pattern of destroying my confidence and the professional loving happy woman I was when when met. I have to move forward and feel so confused. I wish you well. What is your situation?

  6. Summer says:

    I have been married to a narcissist for 8 years now. The major gaslighting has left me questioning my own sanity on a daily basis. He has been physically abusive in the past and when he’s drinking and or taking drugs(lies about this) demorilizes myself and my children. Most recently he has lied to my children about me.
    I never had him arrested in the past( I felt sorry for him). He was never really “sorry” for anything he ever did to me or diminishes what he did and angerly replies “I apologized for that!” I’m separated from him now and will get a restraining order tomorrow. He texted me 28 times yesterday “where are you?”
    I’m surprised I made it this far. The control was out of control.
    Run don’t walk if you meet this type of person. Get out while you can.

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