Victims of NPD Relationships: Stages of Recovery

“Narcissism is an evil that masquerades as good. Like a Pied Piper this master illusionist can lead you to Hell all while making you feel flattered to be chosen to go there. Only when you wake up in Hell do you realize the real evil that existed in his fluted song. By then it’s too late; not only have you fallen victim, but most likely you have paid for the flute, as well.” ~Tigress Luv

Stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse can be viewed in two different ways. The first is four stages, or levels, which are based on time/distance from the narcissist as well as on actions-things you need to do to leave the narcissist. The second is based on the stages you will go through with your feelings as you leave the narcissistic relationship behind.

Levels of Recovery

Level One: It has just dawned on you that you’ve been in a relationship with someone who has the traits of a narcissist. You may or may not have left the relationship but are clearly intending to. You have gone to a therapist or a recovery group to get support in leaving and coping with your current situation. You are probably in a lot of pain but at this point you just want some relief from the toxic interactions and abuse. The therapist or support group should provide you with lists of contacts– help organizations, law enforcement agencies, other women in similar situations, domestic violence shelters, and victims’ support groups both online and in your city. Seek to learn everything you can about narcissism. Knowledge will empower you as well as reduce your sense of isolation and worthlessness. Education is a very important tool in the recovery process. You need to become aware of the prevalence and nature of violence perpetrated by narcissists, stalking, warning signs and red flags, legal rights/procedures if needed, as well as coping strategies.

Level Two: You are out of the relationship and have truly ended it. It has been less than three months since the relationship ended. You have cut off all possible contact with the ex including Email, Instant Messaging, Phone, Letters, and Third Party Communication. (This is essential). The only exception is if you have children. If you have children you have set up some kind of third party mediation to handle all business. You are still in a lot of pain but feel you are making some progress.

Level Three: You have had no contact with the narcissist for at least six months. You have regained some degree of sanity and feel you are back in control of your life. You may have weak moments and difficult days but feel you are progressing It is important to stick with counseling or the support group to help you through the difficult days..

Level Four: You have had no contact with the narcissistic personality for at least a year. Your life has moved on and you are feeling so much stronger than you did when you first started.

Stages of Recovery- Feelings

(The following is adapted from the NPD site on MSN

1) The Road kill Stage: The first stage is when you hit bottom due to your experience with a Narcissist. You are exhausted from the constant turmoil, lies and abuse. You are tired of walking on eggshells, living in fear of setting off his rage and abuse.

2) The Realization Stage: This is when your questions begin to get answered and you now have a name for what you have been dealing with all this time. You begin to research everything you can find on Narcissism. Although you feel better that you know, the sense of betrayal begins to painfully sink in. Unfortunately, you start to feel angry at yourself for letting it go on for so long.

3) The Anger Stage: The full impact of what you went through hits home and all hell breaks loose! You are angry at the narcissist but also at yourself. Anger is uncomfortable, but it is a necessary step towards healing. At first, it feels like an erupting volcano but then it decreases and you can focus on how to get through.

4) Taking Affirmative Action Stage: This is when you begin to effectively focus your new-found knowledge into making life decisions. This is also when you begin to learn- and practice- techniques on how to protect yourself from the Narcissist. This is the stage where you may decide on divorce, relocating, changing jobs, or other lifestyle changes. This is a time of great upheaval, because the Narcissist knows that the “gig is up” The Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to win. This is a crucial stage in healing, because it is at this stage that the Narcissist will also try to “put on the charm” in an attempt to return things to how they were. However, when the charm doesn’t work, the Narcissist can be very vicious at this stage.

5) The Fall-Out Stage: At this stage, you become more comfortable in your knowledge of how to deal with the Narcissist. It is where you begin to forgive yourself and begin to feel better about yourself and your abilities. You are actively planning your future, getting to know “you” again, and you notice how much better you feel, physically and emotionally, out of the presence of the Narcissist. Although you begin to get your confidence back, you may still experience the waves of the prior stages; it seems to come in cycles, but these will diminish in intensity over time.

6) The Mirroring Stage: Not everyone goes through this stage, it is a personal decision. This is when you mirror the Narcissist’s behavior back at them, effectively scaring them off. It allows some people to siphon off the anger and project it back to the person who caused it. It is quite effective in scaring off the Narcissist, but sometimes it takes many sessions of “mirroring” before the stubborn Narcissist finally “gets it”. Unfortunately for many victims, many Narcissists aren’t willing to accept that it is over(if they don’t “win”) and continually try to get back under the victim’s skin using guilt, fear, pity, threats, violence and financial abuse. Some Narcissists keep coming back seeking more narcissistic supply. DO NOT, under any circumstances, give the Narcissist any narcissistic supply!

7) Realization and Apathy: Once you effectively block all means of communication with the Narcissist, protect yourself from them, gain knowledge and confidence in yourself, you then reach a stage of realization that there was nothing you could have done to prevent the nightmare that you just lived through. You start looking working toward your new future and close the door on the Narcissist. The most effective way to do this is with apathy. Apathy works. It requires very little work on your part. If the narcissist is still trying to keep you engaged, you simply don’t display any outward emotions toward the Narcissist.

They want to be able to evoke an emotional response from you. If they can’t make you love them, they will try to make you hate them. If you don’t give them anything, eventually, they will move on to the next victim as they have to get their narcissistic supply “fix”. This stage can take some time, because as we know, the Narcissist does not give up on precious supply sources easily.

References:

  1. www.narcissism-abuse-recovery.com/narcissism-support-group.html
  2. http://narcissism101.com/CopingwithNarcissists/victim%27sstages.html
  3. http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic39399.html
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About Alexander Burgemeester

105 Responses to “Victims of NPD Relationships: Stages of Recovery”

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  1. Jennifer says:

    You have communicated this needed information very well. Thank-you.

  2. Jillian Evans says:

    “Holding Back The Years” (simply Red)

    Holding back the years
    Thinking of the fear I’ve had so long
    When somebody hears
    Listen to the fear that’s gone
    Strangled by the wishes of pater
    Hoping for the arms of mater
    Get to me the sooner or later

    Holding back the years
    Chance for me to escape from all I’ve known
    Holding back the tears
    Cause nothing here has grown
    I’ve wasted all my tears
    Wasted all those years
    And nothing had the chance to be good
    Nothing ever could yeah

    I’ll keep holding on
    I’ll keep holding on
    I’ll keep holding on
    I’ll keep holding on
    So tight

    I’ve wasted all my tears
    Wasted all of those years
    And nothing had the chance to be good
    Cause nothing ever could oh yeah

    I’ll keep holding on
    I’ll keep holding on
    I’ll keep holding on
    I’ll keep holding on
    Holding, holding, holding

    That’s all I have today
    It’s all I have to say

  3. Jennifer says:

    I cannot seem to let go completely and stay away from my abusive ex-partner. Things officially ended last January and there have been periods of no contact that I’ve been able to maintain the longest being a month, but somehow I keep going back for more abuse and pain. I’ve been seeing a therapist and though it has helped I keep letting him come and go as he pleases. I know he’s been with other people but as early as a week ago he came back and gave me a deadline to be with him 100% and on his terms otherwise he told me to go F myself forever. He has been squatting in a home that has gone into foreclosure and then he told me that he’s staying with a “friend” When I ask him where or who’s he’s staying with he tells me that it’s none of my business since we’re not together, I wasn’t a real partner and there when he needed me, and that he’ll only disclose any information when and if we are back together. He’ll constantly tell me not to contact him and then I don’t and just when I start to feel a bit better he comes back around like he knows I might be a little better and I get hurt and set back all over again. I keep looking at his public postings on Google and this past weekend I saw a reply publicly from a female and of course because I’m a glutton for punishment I found postings on another social media site where he is “following” her and she’s “following” him. I deleted the account I had on that site because the only reason I created it was because he asked me to in order to send me things about he wanted to dress me etc. It cuts me right to my core because that’s what he’s doing with her now. I’ve been crying nonstop, cannot focus on work, and am an emotional wreck. I waste so much time trying to figure out why he does these things to me. I’m stuck thinking how happy he is with her and how miserable I am. I also think that she must be better than me and I’m comparing myself to her and how lucky she is because I’m sure he’s being so great and doing all the nice things and events he used to do for me with her now. I don’t understand why he keeps coming back to me if he’s found someone else? Why tell me he still loved me and wanted an “us” and then I see the other female? Is he with her? Did he do all this on purpose for me to see? Does he think I’m an idiot and it’s a game to him to see if I’ll keep hanging around? I’m so hurt and feel so unbelievably low. I know I deserve better treatment. I wish he would stop treating me this way. I wish I was stronger and felt better about myself. I wish I understood why he keeps doing this to me. He’s called me the most horrible names, spit on me, has hit me and degraded me in the worst possible ways- yet I still love him. Any insight would be helpful.

    • PGH says:

      Your heart hasn’t yet acknowledged that the malignant narcissist in him is evil (demonic) at the core and getting away with it.

      Healing will only occur when you acknowledge that you are dealing with someone who has consciously chosen evil and is proud of it.

      • Faith says:

        Totally agree!!! This absolutely fundamental! My head acknowledged it before my heart. I am healing now because I know what he is and the depth of his cruelness. This took awhile we were together for 7 years. I was brain washed trauma bond you name it. I’m not going to get into details but all that I went through I still loved him. When discarded me for the neighbor. There was so much manipulation deceit and lies right in front of me it was sick. I saw so clearly he only wanted money for him to live well and his son. He wants to do what he wants when he wants with no accountability. The discard was cold and cruel. Through that year I really saw who he was. I knew he he found a good source if supply. Because for years before he would do anything to get me back. Now he tries to Hoover every once in awhile. I did not go full no contact at first. Which this kind of worked for me. Because I really saw how he did not love me and I was an object. Just really saw more of who he was now that I had distance. Now if he did not have a supply I would have had to go full no contact right away. These last 6 months I really have started to heal and see all the damage and cruel evil things that have happened. It’s astounding I put up with it. I do plan on moving soon and he won’t be able to contact me. There is still a slight sense if him stalking me basically just to have me for a side supply. That won’t happen. I’m not comfortable living close to him. I feel like for my life to move forward I must move. Those first months I did not think I would make it through. You really have to get it in your heart what they are. Im feel stronger and feel like I’m finally healing. Im not going to let that evil man ruin the rest of my life.

        • Faith says:

          I want to add one more thing. The neighbor whom he said they were “friends” for over a year. Going back and forth. Crazy making lies. Complicated to get into. They have moved across town together some months ago. But the sickness of the betrayal is to great. Second I don’t trust him with anything they still live too close. This is a small town. So he can stalk without me knowing etc. so I am moving for me my health and my life. I believe with these people this is what you must do.

          • Diane says:

            Hang in there Faith, I too was married to a NPD for 40 years and have endured the divorce from hell. My husband dumped me for a 29-year-old junkie with many legal infractions. He claims to not have any money left in his IRA, and according to the IRA people he went through a 1/2 million dollars in two years.
            I fought hard and I did receive a equitable distribution that is if I ever see the money you could call it fair. He is currently in jail for contempt of court and is going back to court on May the 15th on two counts of failure to appear. He requested a court-appointed lawyer but, he was denied. I firmly believe the judge in our case does not think the money is gone but, well hidden.
            I have been in therapy for many years now and I am slowly getting me back still I have many rivers to yet cross. I hope this finds you well and safe and provides you the strength to continue to put one foot ahead of the other, and don’t look back.

          • Karen says:

            My heart goes out to you. How are you holding up?
            I too am going through the first stage of a break up from a five year relationship with a NPD . I am 63 , he is 65 . We knew each other from High School and met back up on FB. I moved in with him about 2 months after that. It’s about the same things they do, making you feel so loved so special to them, then after about two months that’s when it all changed. All of it seems so text book now!
            Never thought this would happen to me at my age!
            All his promises, never meant anything to him.
            How he dumped me was cruel, mean and evil.
            He now is seeing a lot of women, I am sure he is looking and will find , if he hasn’t already, the next love of his life. It hurts me to my core. Can’t stop thinking about him. And what’s sick is I would go back to that sick relationship if he wanted me.
            Also he is alcoholic to make everything unlivable.

            Where are you finding your peace of mind?
            Any information on where, how to get passed​ these awful moments and days of crying, depression would be very much appreciated.
            Thanks for responding
            Karen

    • lynn says:

      Hello,
      I wanted to check to see how you are doing. Sounds like you were a few steps behind me and I have never posted or replied to any post ever on any site but I wanted to see how you are and maybe there is something I can say that may help you.

      I was on my own with this false life I was living and had to just deal with it. No family or friends to help me but it’s great that these sites are available. I had a best friend of 15 years that was who I always went to for any emotional support and when I was not with him after relying on him for years and I had no other support in place, it was so unbearable. I finally opened up to God for help, asking him to help me do something that I was so of shame of even asking for help with….I couldn’t seem to stop my feelings for this person or my addiction or my dependence for his abuse…so instead of hiding behind shame and guilt and pain I finally ask for help with the desire to want these bad things for myself….help to loose the attraction and desire to be with this person that didn’t exist and to help me out of this hole I had fallen or been pulled or shoved into. . . I needed out of the place that didn’t exist and out of a place that was reality.

      Lynn

    • Evelyn Ryan says:

      You still have a victim codependent mentality.

      You must suck it up and accept this that you were targeted and need to go NO CONTACT.

      It is easier when your self worth and self esteem are at healthy levels and you believe you DESERVE better than this evil loser.

      You must correct your thoughts so your actions will follow.

      You have been brainwashed to mask healthy thoughts with this idiot’s these lies that serve him..

      This is NOT LOVE….accept it so you can move on.

      If you know better, you do better.

      Here are a list of personal rights and authorities to post and read several times a day. You were born perfect and must come into a healthy truth and stop living someone else’s lies. These will help you get their and show you and teach you what is normal and what normal boundaries are.
      ———————————————-

      Bill of Personal Rights

      I deserve the following anytime, anywhere and with anyone:

      •The right to be happy
      •Freedom of choice
      •The freedom to say what I please and the wisdom to know when to say it
      •The right to set personal boundaries on my time, feelings, expectations, money, sleep, property, and body
      •The right to always have my personal boundaries respected
      •The freedom to protect myself in a responsible and mature manner
      •The freedom to ask for what I want and need and the wisdom to know when and whom to ask
      •The right to have my needs and wants met
      •The right to exercise my innate creative abilities
      •The freedom to say “no” when dictated by my best interests
      •The right to respectful and dignified treatment
      •The right to know who I really am, unhindered and NOT through others’ tainted filters
      •The freedom to know what I want
      •The freedom to choose the life, food, clothes, friends, home, education, partner, lifestyle, religion, career, home or whatever I want
      •The right to assert my likes and dislikes
      •The right to voice my opinion
      •The right to accept myself for who I am
      •The right to accept compliments
      •The right to love and like whomever I choose
      •The right to be successful and to celebrate and be recognized for my success without insults, fear, jealousy, envy, denigration, diminishment, or reprisal
      •The freedom to regulate my thoughts and emotions without input from another person and without defending what I feel and believe
      •The freedom to cultivate and communicate my interests and points of view
      •The freedom to tolerate points of view that differ from mine
      •The right to accommodate or help another person without losing my own identity or bank account
      •The right to assert my rights without fear of rejection or abandonment
      •The right to assert my rights without fear of physical or mental punishment or other reprisals
      •The right to be likable and lovable in a healthy manner without pain and suffering
      •The right to pursue my own interests
      •The right to spend money I have earned on whatever I want.
      •The right to be healthy and fit
      •The right to abundance
      •The right to make mistakes
      •The right to not be perfect
      •The right to pursue my goals
      ———————————————————————-

      Bill of Personal Authority Rights

      Print these out and repeat this to your self 20 minutes a day.

      I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM – I DEMAND THE RIGHT:

      To recognize myself as the most important and interesting person in the world – a unique and precious part of life. There will never be another me in the history of creation.

      To love myself.

      To gain the skills, knowledge, and abilities to make the best decisions I can for myself.

      To go after my dreams.

      To live a harmonious peaceful angst-free life.

      To be the best I can be for myself, to obtain personal validation from myself.

      To feel warm and happy, kind and loving toward myself.

      To be selfish and take the time and effort to care for my own needs.

      To be treated with decency and respect from EVERYONE and to treat others accordingly.

      To realize that my character may be better than others.

      To realize at my divine center I am no better or worse, or more or less important, than anyone else in the entire world.

      To be different, to make mistakes, to be “wrong.”

      To take the time and effort to fulfill my own needs.

      To succeed and live a quality of life I aspire to.

      To be financially and emotionally independent.

      To be open and kind, loving and lovable – compassionate and helpful without pain and self sacrifice.

      To be healthy and energetic.

      To feel bad sometimes and to have “unacceptable” thoughts, images, desire and experiences.

      To change my mind.

      To be emotional – to love, to cry, to be angry.

      To be genuine – to not fulfill other’s images of me.

      To accept constructive criticism and request input from those I trust.

      To ask for help and accept help when I need it.

      To make mistakes and to learn from them.

      To be loyal, courageous, and exceptional – in both my personal and professional life.

      • Danielle says:

        Hey I was reading a commment you posted on a website about being in a relationship with a narcissist. How did you leave and do you consider yourself completely recovered? I feel so lost. And don’t understand how one person could make me feel so worthless about myself. I’ve never been in any kind of relationship like this before yet I stayed with him through verbal mental and physical abuse trying to save him I was killing myself.i now suffer from severe anxiety ptsd depression lack of self esteem and self worthlessness feeling within myself. Everyone thinks it’s so easy just to walk away. But I love him and feel sorry for him and blame myself. He’s in jail I’m trying to work on things with my children’s father he’s a great guy I just still hold on to him still enable him go visit, put money on his books, keep money on my phone I just know he only wants me there and says he loves me to benefit himself. Yet I look in his eyes I can fall in love all over again yet when the physical abuse set in and I’d look in his eyes there was nothing there his eyes were black and cold. Please I’m really in need of Any advice, help or knowledge would be greatly appreciated I just want my life back so I can move on and live a normal life again with my kids and be the person I was before now I tend to push away people bc I’m scared and just want my life back. Thanks Danielle

        • Lou says:

          Dear Danielle;

          I know you don’t deserve what is happening to you. Nobody deserves that!

          This will sound abstract, but you need to find your Self again. The good spirit you are. You need to be kind and loving and nurturing to your Self.

          This can be hard to do when you feel crazy and worthless and confused.

          Something that helps me is to think about my children. What would I do for them? How would I reassure and protect them? I have not always acted in my own interest, but I am a good mother. I am using that to learn how to mother myself. I can even laugh at myself a bit: sometimes I’m just like a fussy toddler who insists she’s not tired and doesn’t want to go to bed. I know better.

          Don’t be hard on yourself about pushing people away. Understand that we learn from experience, and experience has taught you not to trust. Honour how wise you are being, especially when you feel raw and vulnerable. The last thing you need now is to be hurt again because it will reinforce the nasty lies about you when you need to be surrounded by the truth of your worth and dignity.

          Be your own best friend. Be healthy and whole. Walk away from anyone or anything that threatens your beautiful Self.

          Here is a song for you:
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13TbxmuZzws

          Be well.

      • Nikki says:

        Evelyn, my heartfelt thanks to you for these invaluable Personal Rights lists that you have posted. Anyone who has suffered or is suffering from Narcissistic Abuse can be a true winner (I don’t like the word “survivor”) following these self-loving steps.

    • Jamie says:

      Why would you want someone who treated you that way? Simple question. Does someone who treats you in this manner hold a special place in your heart? Do you really believe he might “change”?

      Until you answer these questions in your heart, you will not be able to break away and find the person you deserve.

      Stop playing games with your emotions and understand it is you that is causing your own pain by giving this animal credence.

      Wake up

    • Meghan Gossett says:

      My advice, dont give a s**t about him. I know it hurts but you deserve to be happy. Don’t let him bring because that’s what he is trying to do. When you let him win that’s how he continues to tormemt you. Have enough faith in yourself to know you deserve better. He is putting that.other.girl in the same hell don’t feel like it’s you. You need to work.though your codependency or abandonment issues cuz that’s how he got you in the first place. Self love brings the best out in you

    • SweetT says:

      Melanie Toni’s Evans.com AMAZING NPD healer in Australia you’re a co-dependent mess (me too) you are sufferng from peptide addiction basically you are addicted to suffering. You answered your own question. Read your post everything you do that hurts you stop doing it! HHe is your booze, your crack, your doughnut, whatever else people get addicted to you are addicted to suffering and that man is YOUR addiction. So stop suffering. Do NOT go back, do not talk about him, think about him, any of it. YouWERE a victim of him the self-hatred that is coming up is because he has left the dungeon, left the cell door open but you are clinging to iron bars watchng him walk away when all you have to do is turn around & walk away and you are free! Deep down you KNOW YOU are keeping yourself down! STOP doing it!!! Whatever you have to do! If you do not have kids You have it made you can go no contact! Yes it is going to be hard watch Nurse Jackie, or Intervention or any show about addiction you are kicking assholeheroin. You are going to have withdrawals. If he senses you slipping he will pull out all the stops threats to sex to diamonds whatever YOUR weakness is he knows it! But you are blessed now you see it now you can start to heal. Thank him for showing you your broken bits (which most likely were broken by a broken parent) now fix YOU so it can’t happen again. Every single decision you make from this moment forward is about YOU and what YOU want. It’s not being selfish its called being a grown up. You are other focused because you are scared for some reason of taking care of yourself. You don’t love him. That’s not love. We think it is (again probably childhood family dysfunction) but you need to love yourself better. If you are constantly thinking I would never treat someone the way he treats me than why are you letting him do it?! If co-dependency is the only thing that will work for you right now (this is what got me going) than tell yourself you have to be a better, stronger person to make the world a better place or would you want a daughter to put up with this behavior? Than you stop. Every single time you think about him do something you have been putting off fold a shirt, plant a flower, take a class, do a sit-up whatever it is than at least when you get through your bout of obsessing you will be stronger, smarter or at least your house will be cleaner. Or volunteer at the animal shelter or foster a kid when you see helpless creatures who need help you might get over yourself and your pity party. Yes he is a s******d and you fell for it hook line and sinker and NOONE should treat another human being that way but he picked you because your weakness was a target. Get strong! So he and no one else can do it to you again! Women have survived multiple rapes! Your soul has been raped! Don’t let it define you! It has taken me two years of reading and wallowing to get to this point.If I were in your shoes I would move – tomorrow!! You will be so freaking so busy packing, job hunting, learning your way around you won’t have time to wallow. And go to your courthouse and get a restraining order you don’t have to file it just get it. Tour the courthouse, visit your local police department, the fire department around the corner has a safety room that can only be opened from the inside once it’s locked. I saw this on a Girl Scout tour. You will feel safer and stronger knowing about these places and how easy it is to start taking care of yourself and you can take a couple of selfies at these places in case you need to ever need to go to court and start establishing a record of when you started seeking safety. You would be OUTRAGED if he treated or friend or loved one this way so why is it ok for you?! Be your own best friend, your own best loved one. You you you how do YOU like to dress, what do you like to do, eat, watch, play, go? Do you even remember? Did you ever know?Find out put a rubber band around your wrist snap it every time you think about him and immediately tell yourself something positive about yourself, your life the world. Every thought you have 7 seconds to change it & make a new though before it’s stored in memory. If you store a bad one skip it and think 3 new good ones no more excuses no more wallowing! French women don’t give up their jobs becUse they say husbands come & go but pensions are forever!! You can do this!!!!! It is not going be easy. You are climbing Mt. Everest while in the worst shape of your life but every journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step!!! Do it! Now! He doesn’t hate you he never loved you! It’s not you! He is broken beyond all belief. He can’t make himself better without starting from scratch. He has no true self or personality he hates himself and he hates you too. The story of the devil is that he is a fallen angel and he keeps being the devil with every demonic choice. Do you think you have the power to hug and love the devil into being a nice guy why would you want to? The devil has to choose humility, kindness, for himself to be different and start acting that way and do you think you are the only nice person he has ever met? Feel sorry for the woman he is with now. She doesn’t know what’s coming her way and it’s not your job to save her. It’s a special kind of arrogance and a narcissist trait itself to think you can help and save people from themselves when you can’t take care of yourself. You you you that is your only focus. Get your s**t together girl!,, you can do this! You will do this! And if you get sucker punched again you will get up from that too! Japanese say fall down 7 times get up 8! And thoughts of suicide are just thoughts. Suicide is not a choice karmic ally if you kill yourself you get stuck in an endless loop of coming back to do it again. Feelings are just weather. Take a selfie when you Are sobbing in bed take a selfie when you’re having a good day. Look at them both when you are in another funk to remember how things always change. There are 7 billion people on the planet is he really all that great? He Spit on you! And you want to go back? For what? To be spit on again?!?! That’s not love that’s poison get him out of your system by not letting more in and detoxing the anti-dote to abuse is self-love! You have a computer! You can read & write! You came on here for help! The crAckheroinasshole left you so you don’t have to flush your drugs yourself ! You’ve got a therapist! What other great things can you tell yourself! You can DO THIS!!! I’m going to register for my first masters class right now! I’ve put my life on hold for 20 years for a man that sees his 8 year old daughter once a month and thinks he’s a great dad.

      • Tk says:

        Thank you for sharing your story and insight. I’ve been married for 17 years to a man with NPD. In all other aspects of my life I’m confident, intelligent and respected. However, I couldn’t understand how I permitted the constant emotional Rollercoaster and abuse from the man I committed my heart and life to. The addiction is crippling. And my mind knows it’s unhealthy asks in all honestly killing me. 1 week ago today he didn’t come home that night, wouldn’t return my calls. When he finally did Valk me he initially acted like they’re want anything wrong. When I confronted him, he told me it was none of my concern and that he was tired of me (along with many other derogatory and demeaning things) and that he wanted a divorce. I know deep in my soul that this is what needs to happen, for my well being and my daughters. But I can’t shake the fantasy of coming home and him waiting for me with open arms, telling me he loves me and it will all be ok. He is opening seeking another relationship and the thought of him treating someone else like the most important person on the planet and showering them with compliments, respect and admiration is almost enough to kill me! I’ve met with a lawyer and will be the one to file for divorce because this cycle of manipulation must end. I’ve liked into and received referrals to a counselor who has experience with NPD, so i can get my daughters and myself the help we need to heal and move forward. But I constantly feel like I’m suffocating and the huey is so

    • laurie says:

      the person you love IS NOT REAL! Once you get that through your head,it may get a little easier for you. HE WAS ACTING! you cant be in love with someone who never exsisted. You just miss how good he made you feel.

    • janet says:

      The answer to your questions are yes. He really is doing all this on purpose to control you. That’s what it is really all it’s about control and winning at all cost. They put you down to bring themselves up. It makes them feel good to see you hurt.They truly get a sick thrill out of your pain.I know this because I grew up in a house full of them.I have had to cut off my entire family. Lost a best friend because she chooses to be friends with my narc brother.It’s her choice but I can’t have any involment with him.CSo I have to for my own mental help not be friends with her anymore.It’s sad it hurts but you must find a way to move on.I wish you well.And the other woman don’t worry it won’t be long he’ll be treating her like crap too. Look up narcissistic victim syndrome educate yourself. I have been in therapy for over 3 yrs.I am just now truly beginning to understand how different these people are from people who truly care.Best of luck to you

      • Ty says:

        Hi Janet,
        Your comment is the first I have seen to make reference to a narcissistic sibling (as opposed to romantic partners) since trying to deal with my narcissistic family, particularly my brother. Coincidentally, I too recently lost my best friend of 16 years because she chose to befriend my narc brother and has since cruelly divulged about 13 years of my innermost views of his abusive ways directly to him.
        I would very much like to connect with you, as I am really struggling with this ordeal and do not have any support from family, do not trust my friends now (they are all mutual friends with ex best friend) and am seeking some understanding of what I am going through. People give me the darkest looks/comments when I start to open up about the prospect of cutting ties with my family. I feel very alone and am hoping someone who has had a similar experience can help me realise that there is still hope of leading a rich life in the wake of leaving all you know behind, whixh I have not had the courage to do yet.
        Thank you for reading,
        Sincerely,
        Ty.

        • Leyanne says:

          Wow! I am the victim of a narcissist mother and brother and have come to this conclusion very late in life but determined it’s not too late to start enjoying my life and being free of this terrible burden: for a burden it surely WAS and it must not destroy any more of my life (or yours). Therapy is very painful but has been immensely helpful. Be kind to yourself and let love in…. you will be able to finally enjoy your life! Good luck

    • lucy says:

      Oh Jennifer 🙁 i know how you feel. I just discovered this is what my ex was and now i have a name for it i can deal with it so much better. Just knowing there was nothing i could do to make this relationship work. It hurts. It is f*****g heartbreaking. My self esteem has been absolutely shattered. I am picking up pieces and trying to put myself back together one day at a time. Read up all you can about narcissists. It helps you to realize this was not your fault and that in itself is empowering. Baby steps. Whatever you do, dont go back there. I know youre sad. I know it hurts. Cut off his supply. Get to know you again he doesnt deserve you so dont let him back in to your life no matter how lonely. Yes you still love him. I still love my ex too. And the next target, she’ll find out too and go through hell just like you have. They will not change because they feel they dont have too. Exercise changed my mindset. Makes me feel healthy and strong and i feel i look better. I write in a journal to process my thoughts. I see a psych. Im on anti depressant and anti anxiety tablets. I do things for me now and the best part is ….i dont have to ask for permission and dont get the disapproving glares i used to whenever i wanted to do something for me. You will come out on top. I promise you. Hang in there. Cry as much as you like.

    • LF says:

      There is no easy way to recover from this wound. He cannot repair it and it is your job to accept that he cannot give you what you ask for. When you go to the grocery shop and ask for bananas and they only have other selections of produce….Do you stand in the shop and ask for bananas over and over again? I know people in your situation do it and I know those people need help. Love is not enough to fix this problem. Wishing for bananas will not create bananas. If only they had bananas you think…..there are no bananas at this shop. Sorry but no one will find bananas here either. Get support to relocate and some day you might live near a shop where they really respect their clients – you- and they make sure to keep bananas in stock everyday. Time to find another place to shop for your own needs and let go.

    • shelly says:

      I have been going throught those exact same things for three years. Let me tell you there is no answers. Everything they do is out of selfishness. Everything they do is for them. There is no you. You can not exist to a person who only sees themself. You did nothing wrong and neither did I. We just choose to love someone who was unable to love back.
      Blessings be with you because I completley understand your pain and I too am looking for reasons, explanations, anything that makes sence. I dont think I will ever find it but I can not let him take anymore time from my life or rent anymore space in my mind.

    • Helena says:

      you are not alone on this . I thought i WAs. Pray and trust God is with us . I was in a relationship with my narc for 2 yrs , I did not know anything about his condition until NOW . iM SCARED ,IM SAD AND ANGRY. He played me , used me , so many times . Now I Know what silent treaments are , narcissistics supply, everything . its evil and cruel, but theres a way out. these creatures have a seared concience, they are sociopath , they cant feel , its sad to hear this but you have to move on. he gave me the silent treatment 6 days ago after I let him come back to me again . well now I know , im NO CONTACT. BUT FOR REAL THIS TIME .My life and dignity are more importanbt, God is with us , never forget that.

      • Shari says:

        Hi Helena, how are you doing now? I’m where you were when you posted this. I NEED to know that it gets better…

    • Rashaad Price says:

      My journey to full recovery will only be complete ,when I fully understand what has happened and why….thirty years is a long time to live a lie…..and as each lie unravels I feel stronger….my main question will always be….how could I show so much unconditional love ,which I paid for with my life,only to be shown so much covert narcissism in return….I want to know everything about this animal who did this to no me,until then ,I will not allow her or anyone into my heart or life ,till I have the answers that will allow me to shut the door on this chapter of my life….I will get to the bottom of this …and with Gods blessings overcome

    • Pam says:

      I know you think you can help him, make him see what he is doing, and you think under all that mean behavior is someone who still loves you. You constantly bend over backward to please him, to show him how wrong he is about you. You are the nicest person you know, and a smart, good person. You have so much to offer him you think and it’s only a matter of time he will come around. Those other women don’t know him nor love him like you, so he has to see soon. He couldn’t have lied to you all this time, no one can be that bad.
      I really hate to burst your bubble and I’m really not a cruel person, but he doesn’t love you. He has never loved you and he never will love you. He loves how you stick around though because he gets a lot of fuel from you, negative or positive attention, it doesn’t matter. In fact it has been my experience that they prefer the negative stuff and watching you hurt is the cherry on top. The more you hurt, the happier they are. And the more determined you are to stick it out, well that’s just wonderful, he is getting all of his needs met and you are being a very good little subject. You are allowing all the abuse he wants to hand out at the moment. And those other women he is seeing, well the newer ones are being told how much he loves them, and he is treating them with that smile you thought was for you at one point.
      This person if you can call him that is gong to completely destroy anything in you that he can, he will spit on your heart and watch you suffer, and all the while he will be thinking of other ways to make you suffer and when there is nothing left of you, and you just become a puppet, guess what? He will dump you right in the trash and not even look back. You are mixed up with the worst kind of person you ever can be and you will NEVER be able to FIX him. He will never love you, he isn’t capable of love. He has no emotions, he doesn’t feel anything for you except disdain. And guess who he blames for that? You. You make him miserable, and he will not stop there, you will never please him, he will change the game when you think you’ve finally got it right, and he will laugh at you for it. Insight? What I just described is the insight and the sooner you get away from this monster, the sooner you can start to live like a human being again. Just make sure you have a plan and he doesn’t know about it, they don’t like losing their fuel. And he will make you pay for trying. You can still love him all you want, but try it from a distance and give it a little time. It’s amazing how fast that love can turn into the opposite. Because you are not in love with this mess of a person, you are in love with the fantasy you were first introduced to. He is pure poison and he got you in his clench. Escape, get out, run as far as you can and then you can take a breather and look back at what you left behind. I promise you, it won’t take long and you will see what he really is. And he wil do his best to lure you back, but I’ve not heard of one person that went back and found happiness, because then they are mad and you must pay. You think it’s bad now, the bad is only beginning if you go back. So run, go, get away. Save what sanity you still have while you are strong enough. And give yourself a chance to remember who you used to be. She is there. And there is help out there, domestic violence shelters and the like, use them, they are there for you. Or you can decide to live like you are right now, and believe me, it doesn’t get prettier, it gets worse.

      I wish you safety and the love you deserve. I hope you can see that you are worth being treated good. Love shouldn’t ever hurt. Not ever.

  4. jan says:

    I have a narcissistic family and I was the scapegoat. Finally marrying late after I gave up my chosen one(probably a closet narcissist of course) due to intervention by my family (jealousy) and married one I felt the family would accept.
    25 years later and discarded and asset stripped, I found a description of narcissism/control/psychopathy. During the marriage the abusive, dishonest, sadistic and psychopathic controlling nature of my birth family had emerged into my sight.
    Now I am weakened and isolated. My willpower is down. my drive and creativity is down. I have some physical damage. All I built up materially and socially for now and next generation were destroyed. I dont care about the fool and the stupid family.
    But I have not rebuilt a life…… this is the information and support which is lacking.

    • Linda says:

      “Now I am weakened and isolated. My willpower is down. my drive and creativity is down. I have some physical damage. All I built up materially and socially for now and next generation were destroyed. I dont care about the fool and the stupid family.
      But I have not rebuilt a life…… this is the information and support which is lacking.”

      Jan, I am at this same stage, searching for ‘how to go on from here’!!

      It has been a year and a half, and I have not gone out with anybody since, I just do not feel up to it. I AM very grateful that I am not in that horrid situation anymore, but is THIS how I am going to live my life out? Would love to love again, but WHEN I will be able to trust a person again, I do not know….

      Maybe we should just mount the next bronc and see how hard we land!!!!! 😉

      Regards Linda

      • Francesca says:

        This is NOT how U are going to live Ur life! U need therapy one that specialises in domestic violence.
        Promise me U will pick Urself up and go. No matter how hard it is on U. They will help U understand what has happened and why. And slowly u will regain yourself. Think of the positive. It will be so good getting to know Urself again! Getting to know what U like and don’t like. Being able to say no to the things U don’t enjoy and basking in the things U love!!!! How exciting!!! This is Ur road own it! It won’t be easy and Ur allowed to have hard days don’t be to hard on Urself. Everything U feel is normal and it’s ur right. U have been abused and left to pick up the peaces.
        I’m about to start therapy too. U are not alone. U need to change Ur attitude and get angry at him. How dare he do that to someone who only wanted love because that’s what he promised. How dare he. It’s on him not U. U are amazing and U can do this! Believe don’t let him win. Ur fight is only just starting. U got this girl believe me! U got this

  5. jan says:

    Reply to Jennifer: read Dee Graham: Loving to Survive. Brilliant short book. Societal Stockholm Syndrome. Available on free download at RadFem… google and then choose to buy.

    What he guy is “doing to’ you is just what they do. Its not personal. THey have a genetic issue which causes the brain structure to get pleasure from hurting others, and its a constant driver. If there is no one or no animal or plant to hurt they hurt themselves. They dont have guilt or ability to love etc so they mimic and their insides are empty. So they feed emotionally, copy, and are needy.
    As little kids they copy emotion as they dont feel it and work out how to trigger emotion in others and so manipulate… and get pleasure from hurting them emotionally. Of course they lie and cheat and blame others.. and project.

    Jennifer its not personal. You are in charge here, you decide. you get out.
    Be glad you dont have his child and it one too. He cannot love you, its just words to get you going. He feeds on your pain. Your pitiful easiness to control. I have been thru it many times.

    Whatever they do for anyone else it will not change. They cant, they are hard wired. Just laugh, you are lucky, you have been almost discarded because he has almost sucked you dry. You are a proper human.
    You cut him off. You RUN.

    • Jenni-Lynn says:

      Very well said Jan. Once the pieces click and you discover what they are, what you’re dealing with, then you KNOW not to pet the snake anymore. RUN! Run before it swallows you whole.

    • janet says:

      I wish I could thumbs up your comment. Well said!! My family is full of Narcs.

    • Sharon says:

      I’ve just realised after my sister told me my husband whom I separate from 12 months ago is narcissistic I did even really know until reading about it what narcissism really meant, every post on here I can relate to.
      I’ve been going backwards and forwards for over 12 months now we both have bipolar and met in hospital we were married for 15 years and I gave him everything from looking after him as I thought his illness was more serious than mine, I basically did everything but it was never enough, my husband left me last year for a man I was in shock at first then denial and then there was hope because I thought he was mentally unwell because that’s what he kept telling he still lied and said he wasn’t gay but he lied constantly and said he wasn’t in a relationship that he needed time to sort his head that he wanted me back so and I believed him, he kept saying that he loved me and would change promise after promises I lived in hope thinking that he would get well, I’d break contact but then he would make out he was in danger and that he was vulnerable I loved him he kept saying he would get better, he said he truly loved me and only me that he missed me so much gave in and said I would take him back, if he was honest with me so he admitted that he was bisexual and that he been groomed and he had always loved me and wanted only me so I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that he had to leave were he was get himself somewhere to live and we would start again. Which he agreed to do I thought finally were getting some where. We agreed to take it slowly and he said he would go back and tell the guy he was moving out. He had been begging me for 12 months to forgive him and let him come home that I was the only one he loved, I thought we were going to fix our marriage so I slept with him.
      But no we weren’t I allowed him to real me in again this only came to ahead yesterday after he hadn’t even begun to do what I asked, during an argument as to why he couldn’t, he said I had to be patient that he couldn’t just leave as he had no where to go and the stress would effect his mental health I even said he could come back and stay with me because that what he said he wanted that we would make it work stil he used every excuse. So basically I lost it and became so emotional and I said (Why stay with him he’s so horrible and if you don’t love him ? He’s bought your effection with all his gifts) because this is what he had led me to believe, so I threatened to tell this man about all the emails and text and what we had done, It wasn’t until he said that he had chosen to be with him that I realised what a fool I’ve been, my family and friends have been telling me he’s not the person that I thought he was and my sister said to me that he was narcissistic I kept telling myself that they were all wrong that he wasn’t a bad person and that we had a good marriage. I thought I suppose because of my mental illness that we were alike that his thought process was the same as mine that yes he was mentally unstable but he had a good heart, but I’ve lied constantly to my self for years, I think accept that he wasn’t what I thought he was is the hardest part as I believed something that wasn’t real and that makes the past sixteen years a lie, I knew that he told lies and made stories up and had grandiose ideas I thought it was the bipolar, I know I have to accept that this was out of my control and it was never about me and that he never loved me, any way I’ve broken contact yet again but even now I have a voice in my head which still won’t shut up

  6. Sad says:

    I hurt so bad right now! I wonder what is wrong with me to keep allowing this guy back into my life. I feel alone when I’m with him and yet devastated if I feel it’s over. Someone help me please, it’s been 6 long years and many broken promises. I have dealt with verbal abuse, cheating, neglect, lies and soooooo many break ups. I need to move on and as soon as I feel strong he comes around again. I can’t seem to stop loving him. I am an educated single mother with a good job. I am attractive and have so much love to give. I can’t get more than a few weeks of no contact. Please tell me what to do.

    • Stronger says:

      I think that you once grasp the understanding that they’ve only cared about themselves and that most of what they’ve shared has been fabricated, only then will you be able to move on and regain your self-esteem, confidence and your joy for living life. I’ve been no contact for the past 6 months and keep getting stronger and stronger with each passing day. I would recommend you read ‘without a conscience’ by Robert Hare and the Art of living by Epictitus. Both are good reads that will make it easier for you to pick yourself up and be on your way to freedom.

      • LJ says:

        I agree, I would never go back with him & now what he is, a monster. However, I still am obsessing & can’t seem to figure out what it is I want, we had plans for the future & I am desperately trying to replace him, like he replaced me! It’s not working, he is abusing her, the same exact things he did to me! But I cannot think or plan my future! I am in another relationship with a kind caring man, which is really helping, I see people that have gone through this and refuse to get into another relationship. I want to be with someone, life is too short and I don’t want to rock on the porch alone!

    • Jenni-Lynn says:

      The longer you’re away from him the clearer your mind and soul will feel. No Contact. It’s the only way to deal with them. Walking out of the fog will make you feel like the strong person you always were before this monster twisted you into what “served” HIS needs. Time to think about YOU for a change—put YOU first and heal. 🙂

    • Ark says:

      Just know you are not alone. We are all doing the right thing by reading these posts that have a lot in common and gaining as much knowledge as we can about Narc’s. I’ve been praying a lot and asking to take this person out of my mind, my heart and my soul forever. The damage that is induced upon us is disgusting and they know exactly what they are doing. I think we have to remember that we are lucky that we still have the chance to get out!

    • LF says:

      I hope you have moved on and been able to get help with the addiction you have. Our bodies like to get charged through our emotions and negative, unhealthy human interaction sets this chemical pattern running through your being. This relationship has altered your biochemistry. You must withdraw as if you are quitting a drug now. The hope of pain relief is a great motivator and the brain is a reliable trickster. Exercise instead and take some pain relief over the counter for sore muscles…..silly thing is it might also help with other generalized pain in your body. If you can afford it, go for a massage and cry it through as you absorb relaxation and kind human touch. It is the medicine for healing. You are broken. You do not love right now. You are pining for missing love. It is not located at his place of residence or anywhere in or around him. He is not able to love and right now neither are you. Right now your heart is damaged and needs other people and time to help it repair. Your child/ren need your love and will always love you back. Make sure you hug them everyday. This journey is very hard and you deserve to take it. Kindly get well and only look forward. You need honest, genuine, respect. Be well.

  7. Michelle says:

    Do you have any suggestions for what to do when the narcissist who is destroying you IS your therapist and despite tons of evidence in the therapists own writing the licensing board protects him?

  8. One thing I’m finding out about myself is that I am frequently attracted to and attract narcissist. After trying to figure out why my last relationship failed (again) and yes he returns to use me. Three times so far. The latest was to fly me to San Francisco was a perfect gentleman and within weeks the cracks started to show again and thank God I got out early this time but not without feeling more devastated that the last two times when I was with him & it ended. It hurt far more this time. Again confused by this latest episode & blaming myself that I wasn’t good enough I started google searching controlling men, I stumbled upon narcissists and what a revelation, this is what’s been going on in my life & many of my relationships. One thing I noticed is that people like myself who are involved with narcissst seem to have self esteem issues, ignore red flags and when it ends beg, wait, lower themselves, change who they are, don’t fight back and when it ends are devastated and unable to or have difficulty letting go. Many “normal” people would have kicked the narcissst to the curb and not walked but ran from the “N” Why don’t or didn’t I??? WTF Im decent looking 50 year old woman, size 2, drive a sports car, have a good job, nice apartment, workout & am somewhat intelligent. Now smoking cigarettes & haven’t been to the gym but three times in a month. Total knocked down like a set of dominos.
    Im starting to see when these “Ns enter my life I have boundary issues, my already shaken self esteem gets even lower. Being single isn’t always easy and Being alone isn’t a problem for me but I do get lonely at times which can make me vulnerable and when I took a look back at my relationships I now see i have often ended up with these “N” type of guys and why are they the hardest for me to to shake? I have to admit to myself in addition to healing from the latest episode, I’m going to have to take good look at what is it in me where I would tolerate the intolerable from a partner. Otherwise I will be in this place again with the same person or someone else. I may sound strong but the pain comes & goes, and at times is unbearable. But now armed with the knowledge of what a relationship with a narcissist does I’m trying not to beat up on myself. Trying to get it through my head it’s NOT ME! I’m not the first he’s hurt and I won’t be the last. I kinda feel bad for his ex wives (he told me some BS, why he’s twice divorced) and also feel bad for a kinda girlfriend he had while he was trying to get with me that I found out about. After that one I left him alone but not with having those thoughts of I wondering what she had that I didn’t, now I know, she was more willing to buy into his bullshit than I was. I’m sure he had her twisting in the wind just like me. Wow what she must of gone through with this a-hole. Probably worse than what I’ve gone through. Although I’ve been hurt & still hurting that I got played I can’t let my hurt feeling or pride lead me back to try to change an outcome because it will never happen. Jennifer, my heart breaks for you. But get out. Go to a co dependency meeting, if you have insurance make an appointment with a counselor & if you don’t have insurance there are free support groups somewhere. Don’t isolate yourself that’s the worse thing & what I usually do and isolation will get you head spinning in dark thought. Get help so you can at least take some baby steps and begin to hold your head up. I know it’s hard believe me but girl you gotta fight for yourself, I know how it is, hard to get out of bed, hard to do the simple things, unable to concentrate, obsessive thought and feeling down on yourself. Yep, all that s**t I’ve been through, am going through. But fight for yourself, for your child, children your future. Taking some sort of Action will help. Keep breathing, keep reading post, you’ll hear your story in many post. It may take awhile but if you really put in a little bit of work the fog will clear enough so you take another step. No contact is harder than hell but it works, during no contact get help. If you slip keep trying & trying. One day you’ll be on your way but it’s a process that isn’t easy. I look at it this way the work to get out isn’t nearly bad as staying in it. At least now, I can begin to have some peace & worry about me instead of his a*s. Jennifer, I thank you for your post it’s given me the strength to reach out to keep fighting for myself. Tears & Big hug!!

    • Shirl says:

      This site is a blessing. I just ended with my narc today after struggling with no contact for weeks. You are right staying in it is worse than getting out. We know we deserve better than what these narcs have to offer. When I told him it was over this morning and he knew I really meant it with time, he was shocked. I asked for my door key back and he said can he put it in my mailbox and I said no, I handed it to you and I expect for you to hand it back. This is a 15 year off and on relationship. I discovered he has been huting again and found one. She has only known him since November but she is in love with him already. And get this, she is a Psychologist. lol This should be interested. She is in for the ride of her life with this one. He gets bored easily and goes on the hunt for new meat so to speak and it always seem to happen in the Spring on up until the Fall and that is when he comes back to me, so I am left spending the summer alone. Well not this year. Reading stories on this site, I feel like I am reading my story. It has given me the strength and courage to move on. God bless everyone on here and just know you do it!

    • Shelia says:

      This sounds almost identical to my story. I never caught mine involved with another woman, but think he was trying to groom my 13 yo daughter. I think mine was a pervert and a sponge. He moved into my house and would not help with bills, etc. I figure the best way to undo the damage is to do exactly the opposite of what he did to me…I mentally build myself up, and I tell myself how sick he was. I may repeat this numerous times on some days. Especially hard on the days I think about who he’s with and what he’s doing. BUT, I remind myself of the poor girl who has replaced me. I should not feel envy but sorry for her. Feed your mind the right things over and over, and the bad starts to become less prominent.

    • Bénédicte says:

      I recognize myself si much in everything that is said here. I have to get away from My narc and return emotionally to My kids and Husband. It is SO hard. I know what he is doing to me. I feel and see how it devastates My life how I have no strength anymore at all. At first he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, it was amazing. Now i have to beg for his attention which he still doesn’t give. He withdraws his love and attention and comes back when he feels like it. I know all this and I want to get away. Why can’t I do it. Why? I want his attention back and at the same time I know he won’t give it. Why . I pray and pray i have the strength to walk away before he destroys me.

      • LF says:

        You said it. Before he enables you to destroy yourself!! I suspect there are many NPD partners waving goodbye to some terrific caring, wonderful now dead people who once loved them. It almost happened to me. Not my intention and certainly not a plan but one distressful evening, I was having a glass of wine and then another…..the emotional abuse started and I just wanted to go to bed and have a sleep. I took one pill, I took another, and still could not sleep, I took another and discovered the next day that my body absorbed about 8 sleeping pills…I remember thinking, I just want this to stop and I want to sleep. He called a friend and said I had taken sleeping pills and what should he do. Should he call anyone. The friend thought he was telling a tall tale and said I would be fine. NOT COOL of either people. The actions of someone who Loves me? I think NOT!! I was lucky, many people are not. The spin for the NDP….he/she gets a free ride on the “poor guy” train with the added benefit of telling everyone that you are crazy. However, NDP people are expert crazy makers, expert manipulators and they come across in the community like the charming, regular Joes with talents and abilities to do great things. Mind control from manipulation and with someone who is vulnerable is the ideal scenario for anyone with NPD. You do not need this person, you need help and a better grasp on what is real. Love does not come from a narcissist. It is not there for anyone including you. You brought love there and it will be and has been damaged. People with NPD do this to other people and it is often subtle and no good person wants to believe this about others especially ones they have invested love in. The banking of NPD is called FRAUD. This bank will take all your emotions through manipulation and theft and lies. There is no love bank here. It is bankrupt. Remind yourself when you invest there will never be a return. At least Vegas could let you get a return and it is a possibility. This is NOT Vegas either. This is you dying of thirst in a desert and the person watching would not offer any water or even run for help. Know it. Let it hurt and remember that kind of pain will keep you alive. Staying will not.

  9. anon says:

    is there a reason this article is gender specific? I am recovering from a friendship with a narcissist who was female.

    • Linda says:

      Anon

      There are female narcissists, I think just a bit less than men.

      • Tina says:

        Oh no…I don’t believe there’s more male narcissists than females. A narcissist is a narcissist no matter who the gender. My mother is one and continues to wreak havoc my life and the lives and whoever has the misfortune of being one of her targets. I too have attracted narcissists into my life over the years, romantic partners and female friends. It’s a byproduct of being around a narc in your formative years. I read an excellent book written by a psychologist who specializes in recovery for victims who are involved with people who have narcissist personality disorder. It’s called “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Dr. Karyl McBride. I’d highly recommend it if you’re the daughter or son of a narcissist. But the lessons learned in the book can be applied to anyone who has fallen in love with a narc too. Good luck to you all…and remember, you ARE good enough and deserve better treatment.

    • Kelli says:

      There are Female Narcissists. They are sometimes the most vicious. I have a sister who is one, and has destroyed our family. I still am close with her ex-husband, and without him, my mother and I never would have come close to where we are emotionally now…he’s lended much support with recovery, we’ve all 3 helped each other deal with her. I wish you the best on your recovery!

      • Lee hamlin says:

        Im recovering from being with a narc woman. 15 years.
        Im so glad people do identify that there are female narcs as no one seems to want to believe that in my experience.
        Ive encountered councillors and definately police who see it as i must be the abuser for being the man.
        I was constantly gaslighted, let down, lied to, discovered an affair with an ex of hers which she denied even when confronted with the proof.
        If we went out together i would be ignored, when she went out she would always return home later than she said she would.
        I now have a caution from the police as i copied an email to my phone to prove to her i knew of her secret meetings within the affair.
        The very same evidence that she flatly denied was real was then used against me to the police!
        She held all the control, put me down alot verbally, tryed to convince me that i had a disorder even attending a doctors meeting to convince them which didnt work.
        All the time i was anxious, my work suffered, i wasnt allowed an opinion on anything, she would talk bably about my friends and look down on them convincing me to be away from them, had no involvement with my family and if i gave my opinion or thought she was being harsh i would get ejected and given the silent treatment for weeks.
        Whilst i was turning inside out, she would be carrying on with her life and socialising as if nothing happened.
        I was constantly tested, and told that someone else could do better if i didnt loan money, do jobs on her house etc.
        She was never happy with anything, anyone around her, the job she did and would demand my time at anytime of day to listen to her, yet never showed an interest in anything about me be it good things happen in my day or bad days.
        I even overlooked the manipulation between her and her mother and siblings in which she gained majority of a large inheritance.
        Her sisters refused to talk to her for a year and she claimed to be the victim to everyone around.
        Yet i heard how she convinced her dying mother that her sisters werent worthy!
        She was £48000 in dept at the time and panicing.
        Its really hard to let go, i still want to know the truth believeing sometimes that when she phoned me constantly meant she loved me even though i know i was just supply to boost her ego.
        Im left with nothing, put my life on hold so many times, i have a criminal record, my self esteem in tatters with such nasty comments like, she only slept with me because i lived the closest to her.
        She once told me she never wanted her ex but she didnt want anyone else to have him either!
        15 years of this abuse has driven me to suicide once, she stood me up every christmas bar one usually just days before so i no longer enjoy that.
        Took holidays with her sister yet told me she had a fear of flying.
        I was constantly called crazy, paranoid, abusive if i questioned things she said that didnt make sense.
        I hope to find love, real love in the future but i even doubt that and fear that i wont be able to trust anyone ever again.
        I hope my concilling helps.

    • Lonely Lady says:

      I recently found out I was with a Narc. I have been verbally and emotionally abused. Cheated, lied to, made fun of, been called crazy, and humiliated a million times. My self esteem is on the floor and I feel so lonely and confused. We have two children and this January I found out he has a three year old son in Mexico. The number of lies and games he’s played on me are countless yet I still miss the person I fell in love with. Now after reading about these evil monsters I can see that it was only an act, he pretended to love me only to use and abuse me. I feel ashamed about everything I’ve allowed to happen and don’t know how to forgive myself. I am broken in so many ways and I can’t believe how much he destroyed me. My soul and spirit are hanging by a thread and I feel so weak. My only sttenght are my children, they keep me alive. Suicide has been on my mind more than once but I always ask God to help me get rid of those thoughts. These Narcissists are pure evil who will laugh in your face while you are sitting there crying your heart out. But I still wonder if he really loves this other woman and if he treats her better. It kills me inside to think that he’s a devil with me and treats me like garbage while he treats the new one with love and respect. And I also wonder how long that relationship will last. When I think of how much he hurt me I wish she does the same to him. I want him heart broken, crying, sobbing like a baby feeling worthless and alone. I want him to suffer begging me for forgiveness, but I don’t know if he is capable of feeling anything.

  10. Mr Man says:

    I am also recovering from a relationship with a female narcissist.

    Almost 7 years of my life wasted. I saw the signs early on, tried to get out time and time again. It was hard.

  11. Andre says:

    BIASED against males! I have encountered WAY too many female narcissists with NPD. NPD does not discriminate on the basis of sex.

  12. Chrissy says:

    Hello to the men,
    I don’t have a specific statistic, but the majority of NPD’s are men, and their counterpart is the BPD woman. However there definately are women with NPD and men with BPD.
    I think there are more support groups online for partners of men with NPD because women tend to talk more, go to each other and share their vulnerable sides, their worries, etc, so seek out other women who have similiar experiences. (Again, many, many exceptions, and men are wise to connect with other men and women who are victims of NPD).
    I hope you can reverse the gender in any reading you come across in your mind, that talks about the NPD man. Just know, it’s not male-bashing. Well, it can be. But it shouldn’t be. Women likely feel a huge distrust of men after being with an NPD, even though they know there are good men out there, men now seem like too big of a risk as we heal. Perhaps you feel the same way about women now, after you have been a victim yourself. I think there is a period for some of us where we are very averse to the other gender, but as we heal and get educated we realize – it’s DEFINATLY not the gender, it’s the person!
    So please feel welcome, and congratulations for speaking up.

    • Jenni-Lynn says:

      Chrissy you explained that very well. I can see how men who visit these sites think it’s male bashing but they must know that women are here “N” bashing not male bashing. The anger and resentment and comments are on our computer screens because we’ve encountered narcissists and psychopaths–not because we’ve encountered men or dislike men. We have men in our lives who are good people–sons, fathers, coworkers, friends. It’s our relationships with the Narcs that we’re trying to understand by venting about them. Hopefully men who visit will stop thinking we’re male-bashing as us women who read the pain in their stories understand that the male victims don’t hate all women 🙂

  13. lynn says:

    Well I replied above before I read all of the replies already on here. I have never actually participated in any kind of post, replies, blogs…I guess I don’t or didn’t feel like I deserved any support for my mistakes in being in the dark place Ive been for years, but then when I read other post I want to offer help or support to others that are going through the same nightmare I have.

    I was wrong for being in the relationship and had no one to talk to because of the guilt shame and the fact that I don’t really have anyone close enough to share my horrible problems with, I guess I kind of have always felt like ” I made my bed, guess I have to lie in it”, . Ive always been the person with the happy face and smile and positive motivational things to say. I know that what I should do but Im broke down and it hurts, not easy to hide the pain anymore.

    Well not sure where I was going with this but I guess in one way or another this is the beginning of “my story” I guess that one of the proper steps in dealing with all of this is to write it down and start working on a better ending than in the past.

    I haven’t wanted to re live the pain or feel anything if I’m capable of tucking it away but I guess when I hear the pain from someone else I feel they deserve any help and support and hopefully I will think the same about myself as well.

    Best to all , hugs and prayers
    Lynn

  14. Jase says:

    Hi

    As a man completely shattered by a Narcissist woman I too like to voice my frustration and sadness at the regular assumption that its ok to term Narcissist and Men in the same bracket!

    I was a loving and committed partner who would put her first in every part of our lives. Never taking anything for granted. Committing my life to being together no matter what life throws at us.

    From the very start I was aware she was a breast cancer survivor and the mental/physical scares that would carry. I was proud to have a partner with such mental strength.

    However that wasnt enough. I too had to deal with a depleting permanent health problem which I have worked hard to overcome but for her it was a way to stab insults at me during arguments – a way to hit my sensitivities and vulnerabilities. Such insults as ‘poor you had to go back home to have your family look after you. boo hoo’..so on and so on!

    I still let those things ride and tried harder to make my partner as happy as possible. It became worse and anything I did was wrong and gaslighting (blamed for anything and everything) was a regular occurrence.

    In the end her gaslighting almost caused me to be bashed by a bunch of thugs and 6 months after the relationship to appear on a train knowing I will be on (40 hour journey) and hitting on men in front of me to get a rise! To the poor man she lured…I just hope you were smarter than me and realised early what a monster she really is.

    I could go on but my point of sharing my story is…PLEASE make articles on Narcissism non gender specific…it insults me and other men suffering from similar stories to condemn narcissism as a male disease.

    Thanks

    • kathlene says:

      Narcissistic mothers are demons! They cause a certain kind of trauma that is hard to put your finger on. Don’t worry we know npd is relevant to both sexes….don’t take it personal…these are pples experiences. I’m freaking surrounded by narcs!but I tend to be an empath…..like a magnet Npd pple are attracted to that! I am sorry for your pain- id give anything to find a good guy. My npd ex tried to kill me….but my npd mother she enjoyed it. Sick sick stuff! Keep on keeping on! Best of luck!

      • Tina says:

        Kathlene – I agree with you wholeheartedly. I am the daughter of a narcissist and at age 50 I’m still trying to undo the emotional damage done to me at her hands. Whoever said most narcissists are men are misinformed. I think there’s an equal distribution between genders.

    • Francesca says:

      Many blessings Jase.
      This order sure doesn’t discriminate.
      I find it very freeing to know I’m not insane and there is actually a name that goes with what happened to us!
      I wish for U to find someone just as genuine as Urself from a NORMAL STRESS FREE HAPPY LIFE!
      We all deserve that x

  15. gBB says:

    I was involved with a narcassist and am a mess now. My self esteem is destroyed. I feel worthless and pathetic. I had a great career and a good life. He struggled financially and is 48 never been married or had kids. No one to date has been able to stay. After a year all his relationships end either because the girl confronts him and he leaves or she just leaves. He told me awful stuff like I am ugly, dirt under his toes ,worthless and a skank. He would make me cry then mock me. I went from having it all to being a lost person who believes all those things. He told me the names he called me where my fault because I made him angry. I can not pick myself up.

  16. LSL says:

    I just started reading the comments on this site. I feel the pain expressed by all of you (male or female–hurts like hell). After a year of no contact, I still want nothing more than to call the narcissist in my 15 year relationship for the much coveted closure that I so desperately need. For all I’ve read (which is a lot about narcissism) there is no closure from the narcissist, even when you are the one who ends the relationship with the narcissist because you’ve had enough and–most importantly you are no longer willing to be narcissistic supply). Even though I did not know I was narcissistic supply until after the severing of the relationship. Then I started to look for reasons for the insanity of what I had experienced. I landed on narcissist personality disorder and it reality hit home for what I had experienced–everything seemed to fit. At the same time, I feel I need to hear from others who have experienced the impact of a narcissist on their lives as I can find few who understand this. Any support for no contact?

    • Sue says:

      Hi I have recently split from 8 years of hell. It was his decision to go No Contact!!! I couldn’t understand that?? He said, “Now, don’t you ever ring or contact me never again!” Soon after he left I had a house fire and h e still wasn’t prompted to call and see if I was ok. I thought he loved me some where in his heart. I was wrong. It hurts but finding similar friends on here is invaluable. Hang in there. Lets all hang in together!!!!!

    • Deb says:

      I’ve been no contact for 11 months, this is the longest silent treatment or break up we’ve Had now in this 6 year entanglement – in the past each break up repeats the same cycle each time the no contact is a little bit longer so I’m conditioned to have the anxiety of waiting for a Hoover and the ride to start all over again. This time I’ve done the research and know exactly what I’m dealing with and will never ever get back on thjs ride, ever again- I had no idea people could actually be this repulsive… it blows my mind on so many levels. The red flags were so totally glaring after the fact – when I read about NPD it was like looking directly into the sun, the ah ha moment was overwhelming and I was flooded with all the lies, fake emotions, smiles, blank stares, tears just everything that person had ever shown me was all a sick twisted con – OUCH!!! On so many levels … the heart still misses the person I planned my future with, but what I’ve come to realize is that the only image she was able to present to me was me, and that I literally fell in love with myself, and I have the power to do that over and over again with my self for the rest of my life- the narc will never ever have that- ever ! The only reason they devalue us and have to move on is because the con job is no longer working and they can feel our discomfort and know the end is coming – they can’t handle that, so they have to find another poor SOB to fill the gaping whole inside. I’m working the 12 steps and doing an inventory on my childhood s**t to find out where I became co-dependent. My parents were alcoholic so it makes sense that emotionally unavailable people are who I was running towards to somehow heal that wound that’s never been addressed – this is a complete mind xxxk, and no one deserves to have to sort out any of this, but NO CONTACT Has been. Blessing, the truth is when I had finally had enough of listening to that self absorbed wind bag, the sound of her voice was like chewing glass- ick there is finally a peace that at first is uncomfortable because we become addicted to the constant DRAMA that is the NARC- I was able to settle into myself and my own thoughts and my own wants and listen to my heartbeat and have gratitude that I am able to love unconditional, and that I finnally got a glimpse of what I don’t want and don’t deserve in my life and the solution for me was BOUNDARIES – this is my new found go to and has kept the ball rolling with no contact and self respect and childhood wounds all of it … one day at time

  17. Jenni-Lynn says:

    Hi LSL,

    I am NC for 4 months come June 8th. I ignored his texts, emails, and deleted him from my facebook when I found he had reopened his account and snuck back in there. It’s been hard. I sometimes remember little things about him that made me smile and then I find myself thinking about him and then missing him. I want to reach for the phone and text him. Then I easily talk myself out of that by telling myself remember when he gave you the silent treatment, maced you, used you, took your money, stole off you, belittled you, ignored you and all the other horrible things that I ignored back then but haven’t forgotten. How would he ever explain away all of that in my attempt to get “closure”? It would never happen. It’s nicer knowing I got the last word in by not accepting his attempts to get a response from me by texting me, emailing, or “poking” me on facebook. That was my closure and now I’m healing up–you will too. Don’t rip off the scab to start the healing process all over again. Pretty soon you’ll have an old scar that’s barely noticeable and not to fret about. Enjoy your life. Be happy in your life. We can do this.

  18. Lisa says:

    I was with NPD for 35 years. It was a very confusing relationship with little support from friends and family because he was an expert at being a swell loving person outside the home. We have been living apart for almost 1 year and I am in the process of healing . Over the years I’ve gone to different support groups. Co dependency, anxiety classes, relationships in crisis etc. After learning about NPD I was so relieved because this described finally my relationship with him and his relationship with our children and his pretending to the rest of the world. I have forgiven myself for being such a doormat because he not only fooled me he fooled everyone. Without his narc supply he is lost. He is in rehab after 20 years of sobriety and leaving him has been exactly like leaving an abusive man. He has tried all the tricks and it even led to stalking me. He is not evil but very f up. He is under psychiatric care and shared he has Been trying to fix himself his entire life. My road to recovery is going to be a long one but I am so greatful that I know what it feels like to truly love and have empathy. it must feel so empty to know you don’t know how to love. Good luck to everyone coping with this crap.

  19. courtney says:

    I was with a narcissist for 14 months. We met online and i should have known how desperate for a victim he was…cause he contacted people i knew to date them before me…my sister included. I fell for his wit and was so lonely after being on my own with my kids from a 10 year relationship. He was so sweet and handsome…at first. Then the red flags started. He didnt want to go to work so he could lay in bed with me etc. he stopped getting called for work and he knew i had an apt…car…home…and 2 little kids. He started planting the seed that because we spent so much time together he should move in and help pay bills. He moved in a month after meeting…WORST MISTAKE. he moved in took over. he is addicted to video games and every free moment he had he played. Finally after 2 weeks I helped him with his resume and he got a job. He was generous…bought me stuff etc but had a cold heart about him. He would never do anything with my friends and family…but blew a gasket if i refused to drive him to see his. he had 2 impaireds from a different province…that he skipped out on…another red flag. The first 2 months was great…i found my soulmate the love of my life. Im a single mom i go to university full time…he never made me feel good about myself. It was all about him and his family and his stories. The first big fight we had…he had been playing video games for 9 hrs straight he kept ignoring me when i told him to get off…i got mad and called him a loser it slipped out…i knew he was gonna lose it…he stood up and smashed my 600 dollar coffee table…my fault. After that the arguments continued. He moved in took over my livingroom with gaming and me and my kids are to sit in our rooms if we want to watch tv. He was the BEST at everything he did or so he claims….appearance…sex…dick size….construction…hockey….basketball. Anything I did was noise to him. He goes on facebook and posts selfies and thinks he has tons of friends. I never met one. He isolated himself all the time he didnt need anybody. I startrd giving ultimatums over the game its me or that…he would choose the game claiming he could be a cheater…drug addict or alcoholic instead im lucky. addiction is addiction his games made him feel powerful in a fantasy world. Over the course of 14 months I changed from a vibrant funny caring person…ive always had depression issues and self esteem issues and now im a shell. i feel nothing. The fighting got worse…because i wanted him to step up and be a good role model for my girls. not just some gaming psycho. He never went anywhere with me and the girls. all me and him ever did was movies and supper. isolation. He was really weird with his mom…and told me if i didnt like her we couldnt b together. i never told him i didnt like her. just because i didnt drive him 45 mins to see her when he wanted…i might add it was winter and i was scared to drive he has no license. but that didnt matter i was keeping him from his mom. wow. Things startrd to get worse. I realized this guy was using me for a place to live…cheaper rent…..sex on demand…and etc. he never loved me nor the kids even though he said it often. My life accomplishments were nothing…he knew nothing about my past he never asked. red flag. The fights started to get more intense and nasty ..holes in walls…broke my desk chair amd the names he called me…fat…w***e…ugly…scarface….bad mom etc. but then thinking saying sorry after helps. i said mean things to but more on the lines…why dont you have any friends? So here i am. The last fight was physical again i went to turn off his xbox he attacked…i fought back…i was covered in bruises…he said self defense i say yeah ok. im no angel but i only freak out if i feel threatened. After that fight he looked at my 4 yr old and asked…”why did your mommy leave your daddy?” i kicked him out for a week he stayed in a motel begged to come home cause he had no apt lined up yet..i told him i needed time. That was it..he got his place and has totally cut me off. wont talk to me…and is moving on to other girls after 2 days. Im broken. everything he said i believe is true now. im a crazy psycho loon…noone will be stupid enough to put up with me…whose gonna want me with 2 kids…etc. He has alot of underlying family issues from childhood. And i dont think he ever loved me. i loved him but he claimed i thought i was too good for him…it was always a mind game. what he could do or say to get what he wanted…if i disagreed he would do it anyway. please help…im so lost i cant eat..ive lost 15 lbs. he left that day said no goodbye to my kids…they only saw the good some bad but my kids r so loving they look past that. I hate myself for moving a stranger in…and the sickest part i miss him 🙁 its been 3 weeks since he blocked me out of his life. help me.

    • Dev says:

      Okay, Courtney, take a long slow breath. You will get past this.

      In time, you will be grateful you recognized him for what he is so quickly. It took me 27 years.

      And that he’s not the father of your children. We have two, though I haven’t seen my daughter since the fall of ’09 when he called while I was away to say he was locking me out of the house at her request because I’m crazy. Then he told her I ran away and started gas lighting her. She turned 18 two weeks later and refused to see me, so there was nothing I could do. I’m grateful my son had just graduated from college and returned to Japan to teach English. It kept him out of the line of fire.

      He promised me I would walk away with nothing, then embarked on a scorched earth policy that ran everything we had into the ground. He got a new GF within 4 mos and abandoned our daughter to move in with her after losing his job and letting our home go into foreclosure. Then he either sold off all my stuff or gave it to his new mommy.

      They initially took our daughter in, but kicked her out shortly after. She only recently put me back on FB where she told me she’s working at Starbucks and on food stamps.

      My story goes on, but it’s just like every other on this site and many other forums because these people are everywhere. None of the therapists I saw over the years ever mentioned NPD. Most wanted only to help me be happy with what I had.

      NPD is a growing problem. I have some theories as to why, but they’re too complicated to explain here.

      You are lucky this man has cut you off and isn’t calling you at all hours or showing up to manipulate your kids when you’re not home. Because you’re also single, you’ve obviously been through a breakup and know that recovery is a survivable process.

      It’s still summer so spend time doing activities with your kids. I’ll bet they’re as traumatized as you are and in need of some reassurance. By helping to ground them, you will ground yourself.

      You are not a psycho. You are a good mom. Go back to school and you’ll see what a competent student you are. You’re gonna be okay.

  20. Annelise says:

    The realisation hit me a while ago but I never had a name for it…now it is as clear as day. What confuses me is that he never displayed any anger or physical abuse and most of the times he could be so loving and making me feel special. It is so surreal still that I am in doubt if this is really his fault or maybe mine. Is this normal?

  21. Teresa says:

    I am less than 2 months out from being cheated on by my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years. The week before she was talking about marrying me to family and friends. I was blindsided and am still reeling and don’t know what to do. She lives next door to me. The first girl broke it off fairly quickly and she went right on to a “mutual” friend. She is still messing with my head. I am convinced she is NPD/BPD but more BPD than NPD but maybe I’m still delusional. I miss her terribly and feel like I would take her back in a second but I haven’t. I feel so lost and stupid. I don’t understand how she could go so long without cheating and then suddenly she has lost her damned mind? She is shirking responsibility of taking care of her niece, grandma and financial responsibilities and has quit her job. I just don’t feel like I will ever get over her. I miss her so much!

  22. Gypsy Lake says:

    I have been looking for support for the destructive person in my life. We are not together in a way that two people share time together, never. He is hidden, like in the song, “Mr. Invisible” but he is always watching and following me and leaves little recognizable objects, sort of a Pavlovian tool of his, so that I can know he is around and react out of fear, because he is Mr. Powerful. He demands obedience and subservience, he plays all kinds of games. He was someone that I met and splintered his ego because I did not understand his game. To get even, to repair his splintered ego – he has torn my life, my psyche, my emotions, body and spirit to shreds. He has spread lies about me everywhere so that no one will be my friend, he has isolated me in every imaginable way. His humiliation knows no end, he has got all kinds of secrets to tell the world about me. This has been going on now for about 25 years. I am kept in suffering, poverty, loneliness, and in a state of crisis. I do not think a more vicious, selfish, greedy, and destructive person inhabits this planet. He is able to employ anyone anytime to his cause. I am alone and he secures that I always will be. He is a weak impotent vicious monster. He has sucked the life out of me, a weak parasite that I alone can not remove and no one else is willing to. There has been little escape from him. He always gets his bite out of me. I exist in a state of disgrace, he starves my soul, even my body. He has lied so much to everyone that some markets will not even let me buy food. He broke into my home and stole all my records, documents, diaries, cards and letters I received from years ago. He called my family and told them a bunch of lies and they will not speak to me. He is the demon in my life and if some human being had mercy on another and took him off of me, than I could live. He is pushing me out of life, out of self, out of everything. The sadness is so much. I cry often, he leaves behind tissues on the ground. He is a real creep, the worst thing ever, and people lick up his godliness and unholy evil for its fun. I suffer in the hell he made for me. He needed a victim – I have no idea how many he keeps. He does not work – he works at keeping me under control and however many prisoners he is keeping at any given at any time. He is the boy next door, charming and such good looks, and my sense is that no court would ever convict him of these heinous crimes. It is such a betrayal of humanity what he has done, but worse yet is the betrayal of humanity anywhere that permits, accepts and allows someone like this loose to destroy others lives because it is what they do, or need to do, or whatever excuse given. In reality there is no excuse; inhuman arrogance, indifference, and privilege are the worst parts of the society and it is the very real problem for humanity everywhere. I really need someone to care and help get him off of me permanently.

    • Rose says:

      Your message has touched my heart and soul. Every time I pray I will include you in every single one of them. I am a catholic so I hope I do not offend you if I pray for the power of the prescious blood of Jesus to protect you and free you from this prison. I have absolute trust Jesus will free you. He freed me completely especially from the fears I allowed my husband to imprison me in. Your grace, integrity and strength will not fail you even if the whole world is against you. May the most powerful ArchAngel Michael, the apostles, the saints and the Mother of God Mary crush the head of the snake that is trying to poison you. Rose

  23. Yikes says:

    What a very succinct, insightful article about the truth of recovery from Narcissistic abuse. Thank you!

  24. Melvyn sherlock says:

    can anybody advise where there are any free support for NPD victims, I have been with somebody for 18 years and have severe Mental problems across the board and I am worried that I shall also develop personality disorder issues as I already suffer with bipola effective disorder however the long relationship and my discoveries have magnified my bipola , does anyone have the knowledge or expertise to be able to help me as I only have the energy at this moment in time to gotno work and then sleep

  25. garry ray says:

    I just went through 15 years of hell with my wife she narc at the very end cleaned out bank home filed hid from me made me to be kill thats going to find and hurt her to hide the fact she left for her best friend women and bought a better housr while this house gets forcloser sorry bad speller. just got great job got fired cuz could not deal with all this at once. felt destroyed mind fu**** im very strong personality but she dam nere broke me im a nice guy but very manly cloud break her in half anytime but im a good man never strike a women no mader how mad trust me after 15 years of her crap shows my pacents . any way i was so depressed but you know what shes got 20k in her lawyer i got 1500 dollars in mine .Im in arizona and the very last battle in one month im taking half her retirement she saved 56k in seven years figure she put 500 dollars a month away. im going to losse what ever we had in savings and hope to god I dont loose i shoulednt. but you know what guys to even take ten bucks from her will crush her evil a*s im getting a lot more all she had to do was give me five ten k but you know how they think hell no but anyway all mental pain all the crap I won the war and im going to let her know the very last time we talk . thats going to sting her for ever ha ha and after i thought about that I snapped out of depresstion realy i lost my a*s but the way they think I just smashed her face it a hammer stay tuned tell out come one month

  26. Janice says:

    Its important to note that narcissists prey on codependents. a perfect match in their minds. I highly recommend a CODA therapist or a course. You got into this by meeting their every need, to the exclusion of your own needs. Get yourself some tools that will last a lifetime. I know I learned the hard way.
    http://christiancodependence.org/

  27. Chiquita7 says:

    This is a most helpful site.. I am also heartbroken 4rom a 1 1/2 YR. RELATIONSHIP w/a married narcissist,liar,cheater,vain,etc. I feel everyones pain. He has given me da ..Silent Treatment going on 22 days. Its consuming me 200%. Keep ASKING myself…HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO WRONG? BLESSINGS

  28. Swell says:

    Hi!

    I like your article on Narcissists, it really helped me with a lot of useful information, thank you.

    As it is mentioned in the article, victims (I hate this term, but now I cannot find a better one) dig deep into the topic, gaining as much information as they can to ease their own sufferings.

    However this is the first article where I have met with the stages of emotional recovery and immediately I tried to define my own stage. It seems to me that – just as with the 5 stages of mourning /Kübler-Ross/ – that I’m jumping between the stages from 2 to 6. I have discovered all those 5 stages coming non-consequently, without any order. Is that possible?

    • Laurel says:

      I’ve been thru it too & yes, jumping back & forth is typical. Recovery does not happen in a straight line at all… more 2 steps fwd, 1 step back… or sometimes 3 steps back!

      I am 5 years past a 30 year relationship & lately find myself back in a depression/anxiety phase! WHY? It seems so weird… but somehow his influence has been internalized & I’m now doing it to myself!

      Hang in there & be patient with yourself. Don’t be afraid to seek out the help you may need 🙂

  29. darren says:

    Hello Everyone,
    I too have been in a nightmare relationship with a full blown narc !!! I’m a guy, and a body guard, and I still got slammed with this one. I never saw it coming either. We have been fighting a lot recently since it seems everything in her life was more important than me so I told her to go see a therapist and see what the hell is bothering her deep inside. She came home after one visit and called me a narc. Soooooo I did some serious research (600) pages worth and realized she is a full blown narsassist !!! That explained everything I just went through. I am saddened to the core realizing that I gave 100 % of my love and my heart, not to mention alot of my time to someone who isn’t capable of loving someone deep down, since they don’t even love themselves at the core level.I am fighting the same fight as all the rest of you !!!! Hang in there…keep talking to each other…we are all victims of this terrible illness these people suffer from. Love them as Jesus would and forgive them because they are ill but don’t let them harm us any longer…..Darren

  30. Bon says:

    I didnt know I was being abused. He has a brain injury and we always attributed all those quirks to that. But he did some much bigger and obvious things. Ive known for a few weeks and have confronted him several times. And he just talks to me like nothing is wrong. Mind boggling. Doesnt notice I cry every time sex happens.

  31. Laurel says:

    I appreciate this list of “stages”, but as one recovering from a 30 year marriage with an N, I believe there are more stages of healing to be addressed.

    I am 5 1/2 years out & have healed greatly & done much toward rebuilding a new positive life including marrying a very loving & good man.

    However, I find I am still not free of the old feelings of emptiness, depression, anxiety & even my will to live is sometimes weak. I find that there are aspects of myself that are now making me feel just like the N did… that I am not really free, but his patterns have been internalized somehow. My ability to appreciate & honor myself seem very weak & I am still suffering. There are legal issues still not resolved involving a property settlement that require limited contact. This dredges up the old feelings of being attacked, but this does not explain why I am feeling so down. I have called to find a therapist & see if I can get some help toward continuing to reclaim my wholeness.

    • Cheryl says:

      Hello Laurel,
      I have been married to an NPD for 34 years, going through a divorce. It’s been a year and he has delayed and delayed the process(common from what I understand of NPD’s). The only contact I have is email when necessary, I changed my phone number and would not give it to him.
      But what you said struck a cord so I thought I would share this thought. You mentioned that you have moved on and remarried but still have limited contact over the property settlement. I could be wrong here but that might just be the problem. From what I have read you need to cut off ALL CONTACT in order to have a real chance at recovering.
      In my limited experience with my NPD
      I have noticed that when I am not in contact the feelings of deep despair lessen even if only a little and I start to think like I might actually see light. But ANY contact sends me into a crushing tail spin.
      I understand your delemma as I am not even divorced yet but I felt that maybe if I shared what I have noticed about my emotional state having even very limited contact it might ‘explain why you’re feeling so down’. That being said I also understand the fears that you have about ‘internalized patterns’.
      I’m glad you’re seeking support but please don’t underestimate the effect of even limited contact with your ex.
      Take care!

  32. Greg says:

    Red Flag #1: We dated in the 1990’s, yet had not encountered each other since. She contacted me via Facebook and suggested we meet for dinner and drinks, because she “misses her friend.” However, when I got to the restaurant, she was monopolizing the bartender’s attention, telling her we were about to renew our great romance and start a future together. (We NEVER said ‘I love you’ 20 years ago). She wove such a good yarn that she conned the bartender into paying our check because “it’s good to see real love.”

    Red Flag #2: We went to a public event two weeks later. We held hands and called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I bought her jewelry. She subsequently told me she had been seeing TWO other guys and recently jettisoned them to concentrate on me. Needless to say, I took it as an ego boost instead of something problematic.

    Red Flag #3: When a woman tells you she’s “crazy,” BELIEVE HER!!!

    Red Flags #’s 4-6 are too personally humiliating to discuss publicly. Let’s just say they involve THREE different guys and flirting. Her explanation for #5: “Most men would be happy that other guys are attracted to their girlfriend.”

    Lesson Learned #1: I didn’t see anything unusual in her talking about our future together after a few months, because we are both pushing 60. I thought she was tired of the single life and wanted a companion, as I did. I figured we were just picking up from where we left off 20 years ago. Who would assume that his 50 something girlfriend was still looking to play the field? When someone tries to rush you after a few months together, it’s a good idea to walk away.

    Lesson Learned #2: I thought I had a soulmate. I now know that she quizzed me about what I was looking for in a lady friend and played the role of that person. Consequently, I don’t know the real her and never did.

    Lesson Learned #3: I also learned that she is a textbook narcissist. I was NEVER right in any scenario I described to her about my interpersonal encounters with others. I wasn’t “allowed” to chew my food too loudly, because her family didn’t allow her to do it as a child. She is an alcoholic, but told me she never got a DUI because police officers find her so attractive. She later told me she grew up thinking she was ugly. So, all the talk about “men like me because I’m so pretty” was overcompensation for thinking of herself as UNattractive.

    Lesson Learned #4: More classic narcissism- I eventually stopped debating her because every conversation became a battle to the death. It was easier to give her the last word. She is a self-described pathological liar. To her credit, she tried to tell me about her sexual past but I cut her off because I couldn’t handle hearing about other men. I should have never been involved with her in the first place after the details she did tell me. She has a few other issues that would make the average person walk away from her and never look back.

    Lesson Learned #5: She has exiled me. I have moments of being tempted to call her and ask to come back. Then I ask myself “Come back to what? Why would I want to go back to that emotional torture? It would continue to escalate and eventually put me in a situation that I couldn’t handle.”

    Lesson Learned #6: It will get better with time.

  33. d says:

    I am currently divorcing a narcissist … I have had all the above stages and this information gives me immense validation. Thank you.

  34. Kathy says:

    My daughter was married to a narcissist for 15 years before she found the strength to break away….no contact is impossible because of the children. She seems to be doing well in many respects but is it possible that she mirrors some of her husbands behaviors onto her own family? She has been verbally abusive to me ( her mother) on a number of occasions …our relationship has suffered because of it… She seems to want to blame me for the way her life has turned out although I strongly opposed her becoming involved with him in the first place… I have never said “see I was right” and I never would because from this Union she got 4 wonderful kids, I’m wondering if her need to be in control of just about every situation is the result of feeling powerless for so long. She has been legally separated for 3 years but he will not agree to a settlement so the divorce drags on….could this be part of her sometimes demanding behavior? I am at a loss as to how to help her….

  35. chocolateroughie says:

    I have just realised my narcisstic MIL has done me a huge favour.

    I had contacted her, after a long time of no contact, because I was very worried about my partner (her son) as he had seemingly dropped off the earth for two days, and I was actually terrified he had crashed his car, or something.

    By the time she replied to me, he had already got back in touch (technological issues), but in her response she was extremely rude to me, saying that she had no idea we were still together and that she had told him that my name and person were never welcome in her house, and to never contact her again.

    I was incredibly upset as I had been super-polite and nice, as I didn’t want anything I said to be used against me; I knew what she was like and hence had avoided her like the plague – it was only because I was actually afraid for his life that I had contacted her. Previously my partner had always defended her, and I was afraid to say what she was like, because I didn’t want a fight with him.

    Of course my natural response on receiving her email was to cry my eyes out, to tell him there was no point even continuing our relationship, as we would never be able to marry if his mother hated me etc – I was so upset. And for the first time he 100% took my side, he said he loved me and who cares what she says and I don’t have to see her, etc, etc. He did of course try to say she’ll “come round” in the future but he fully accepted she was in the wrong.

    Having just done a bit of research, I’ve realised this is an absolute blessing. I now have full “permission” to never speak to her again, after all that’s what she told me she wanted, and my partner can’t really force me to see her if I just refer back to what she said herself. Thank God.

  36. Pamela says:

    I have been with a man who has every traights of being a narcissistic person. I’ve been verbally and mentally abused for 6 years and made to feel like I am gross, nasty, and bad. Such as I thought his coffee was mine and took a sip and he looked at me with such hate and said very hateful “Did you just put your lips on my coffee cup?” He said this in front of my daughter. Then he acts like he didn’t say it or was joking. Sometimes he will say I am crazy and he never said anything insulting to me.

    I am ending the relationship and it’s been one week and we haven’t spoke or even see each other. He is moving out this time and I also noticed on old bank account he took out a purchase for 30.00 for a dating site. Haha really? I am not hurt and I am really hoping he finds another and moves on!

    I was very worried because last weekend I did something I’ve never done out of fear of him. I called him names, I tried to insult him, hurt his feelings, and make him feel bad like he has done me. I felt very ashamed after it happened and wanted to say I was sorry but was afraid I would be dragged back into his trap again. I was so angry because he kept calling me a w***e and cheater, which I am not! He wouldn’t leave me alone so I snapped. That’s not me and I’m ashamed. However, I now see that it was called mirroring and I can now see why I did it!

    Thank you for the article!

    • Rainshadow says:

      That’s right, we’ve all been there. I for one have said the most lethal demonic things after being pushed to edge by the narcisissist who was once in my life. And I too felt so ashamed and sad that I would ever hurt someone I loved in such a manner but it’s not your fault; it’s theirs. So screw them and do not allow yourself to beat yourself up about the things you said because before I realized what narcisssim was to “too” was in a constant daily moment by moment agony over the toxically lethal of a weapon tongue I used against the narcissist (I beat myself up, blamed myself, etc. for over 5 years); but when I realized that this is a normal healthy person’s reaction to the bull@#$% narcissists do, I was over it instantaneously; took my power back and recognized things for what they were. It was not your fault; he IS to blame.

  37. Susan says:

    I am currently divorcing a narcissist. He has a current girlfriend, and I think he may have been planning to leave before I told him I knew about her (and others in the past) and wanted him to go.
    But now he has dug his heels in and says it is his house. We have two teen sons and he constantly plays with the emotions of the younger, more sensitive one. I tell him to stop and he says he can say what he want.
    He follows me around the house talking about how he has made “mistakes” but I have done so much more to get a lawyer and a separate bank account. He is so noble but I am this, this, and this. I am getting anxiety attacks from the constant verbal intimidation and harassment. I tell him to talk to me by email or text only but he corners me when he gets in the house. I have taped much of our conversations but the worst ones always seem to get away.
    He has begged me to let him stay in the house so we won’t have to sell it. Always gives me a long story of how the children are the most important. Then last night he stayed overnight at the girlfriend’s house.
    Does anyone have an idea of how I can get him out of the house? I don’t think I have enough for a restraining order. I can see him dragging this on and on.

  38. Ronnie says:

    How do you deal with the covert malignant narcissist after the divorce when you “coparent” with them. My ex has not stopped the smear campaign. He managed to find a psychologist who would say that I was the problem. I had no diagnosable issues so he sufficed it to say at he end of my eval–that I was the manipulative one and that I require psychotherapy. An independent eval proved the opposite– I am the empathic and sane individual. However, he continues the smear campaign. He continues to exceedingly control the children which we share custody. He creates trauma and drama constantly but uses his covert narc powers to twist even the most innocent of things back onto me. He is trying to set me up to take full custody with the “mentally ill” and parental alienation accusations. Believe me–he has fooled many people and has planted the seeds of doubt about me a long time ago. How do I not let the corrupt legal system tear me up any more under the direction of this narcopath? I am his second victim. The first escaped with her children but this time–he refuses to let go of the children and he is using them to destroy me. In the process, he is damaging the children but nobody seems to be able to see this in the courts or even the mental health field. He is THAT skillful. PLEASE HELP.

  39. Heartbroken says:

    I am in the process of separation after 17 years. I put my husband due his emotional distant behavior, meanness and I suspected he was having an affair. I was correct and devastated. We have 3 children that are on the verge of being young adults and they are caught in the middle. He had checked out a long time ago and l had become withdrawn into myself. My issue is that it seems that he has also turned away from the kids as he is impossible to reach by phone and will not see them or advise where he is. Has anyone else experienced this?

  40. Linda Rose says:

    Really appreciate this information. I wish there was more information on narcissistic sisters. Most information I have found is about being in a romantic relationship. With a sibling it is also a problem wth parents. I have read three books and many articles about narcissistic personality and never saw myself as a victim. Becoming informed made me realize how much of a victim I really was. My mother had some of these traits and my ex-husband had many of these traits. It is sad to say but six months ago I cut all contact with my sister and we are both in our seventies. I am just too old to deal with the rages and walking on egg shells. I just want to live in peace. The only reason I am writing this is that I ran into her at a craft show. Almost no conversation but she said will you let me know something….I replied with hesitation, probably not. I very quickly recalled my various reading and knew exactly what she was trying to do. She was trying to engage me in any kind of conversation and that would lead to more. So thank you for supporting victims of this abuse. There is no explaining my situation to anyone who has not experienced it. Many think it is terrible that I cannot get along with my sister. It is usually just a look. I am learning to ignore. Thanks again. LR

  41. corey says:

    It has been a year since she has left me. I keep going through stages of anger and indifference torwards her. I was with her for about 6 months when I was with her. Prior to meeting her my best friend died which I took his death very very hard. She is friends with a mutual friend that’s how we met. Really prior to my friend dieing I do not open my heart to no one at all. I have been hurt many years ago. But I opened my heart to her, she mirrored my personality and all of it. I saw the red flags but I did nothing. The honeymoon phase swept me off my feet and I thought what a wonderful person that I came across. I thought she was the one for me. Funny thing is I do not believe there is such thing as the one. But for that moment I did. The abuse came from nowhere, it seemed as though she has so much hatred torwards me.. I never did get a answer for what I did to deserve that verbal abuse. She talked about all these guys that wanted her. I thought that was so odd since she was in a relationship. What is odd to me she kept talking about her ex boyfriend, who is a drug addict she knew what he was up too and where he was going. I asked her about it, she told me I just saw it online… Then she started to distance herself from me. I cooked, cleaned, washed her kids clothes, yard work made time for her. I was walking around on eggshells everyday. She would go through rages out of nowhere. She told me she dreamed of killing me and cutting me into pieces. That scared me so bad! She just abandon me like trash. No remorse, no empathy nothing.. I have never seen someone that cold before… I have dated lately but I am not ready too date.. She has ignored me won’t even talk to me. I have gone no contact for about a 6 months, only time I tried to communicate is when we have a car in both our names. Which I have had her name removed from car recently, but she still would not be a grownup and be there. She left me for her ex boyfriend who is a drug addict. I don’t know if she will contact me in the future. But I have a feeling she will. Why I feel that way I don’t know. I am a great guy! I get hit on by women a lot. But I feel like I can never trust a woman again after her. Sorry for my rant… Thank you

    • Rainshadow says:

      Corey, I am extremely sorry for what that person put you through and you must understand and KNOW that she was NOT good enough for you. She love/hates herself and the supply of you therefore do not be surprised if she tries to come slying her no good self back into your life. The only thing that saved me is knowing that MUST remained FOCUSED ON THE “FACTS”. You emotions and memories that genuinely meant and still mean something to you, will “get” you everytime if you do not learn to practice focusing on that FACTS that she is scum and will continue to be scum all of the days of her life because they can not and will NEVER ever, ever, ever change. My heart goes out to you Corey but do not you ever think that there are not great women out there because there are but you need to realize that you have an empathetic heart and EMPATHS are attracted to narcissists and vice versa. You will find normal healthy relationships “boring and uninteresting” until you realize the benefit of real women who are stable unlike the scum you were with. I am a woman who needed the flashy, thrill seeking, high powered money filled pocket men but I’ve since realized my error after being spit on time and again. I have a new found respect, appreciation and attraction for those REAL men out there now and no longer find then boring; I find them REAL and the antithesis of narcissism.

  42. Nina Szabo says:

    What I think should be added to this is, and this is a great website, is that this is a web. People often wonder why they “keep” attracting a narc, be that at work etc. There are windows of opportunity but victims/targets often keep attracting the same thing all over again So not only that they start out bad in life as the foundation is missing but that they will have to be really careful once they have “gotten out of it”.

    This is because materia resonates it has a frequency. All materia resonates and we all have a frequency. So when we dip into the lower frequencies, we start attracting it. Not only that we have a chaotic life due to a bad start, but whenever we dip into the lower frequencies we will attract it similar to a radio wave. We will not be aware of these lower frequencies even if they are around and they will not harm us. The minute our frequency dips, and we start communicating with it, we are on a slippery slope again. So we must be aware of this and make sure we do not commit to it (legal, emotional, financial, reputational etc.) damage can occur which again can take years to sort.

    So I guess the question then is how to raise our frequency and there are many ways to do that. Eating well, spending time in nature etc. are all good. Being surrounded by good people who want us to do well and mean it. This may also mean getting rid of the ones that arent. Acupuncture, etc can also help a great deal especially if its a PHD+TCM doc with 5-7 years education.

    So it is a life long journey but it is not all about recovery. There is life at the end of the tunnel.

  43. steve says:

    I met my ex seven years ago. I was separated from my now ex wife for the first time (cliff notes: she was an alcoholic, under employed/unemployable, and it got to the point where I was miserable in the marriage from carrying everything. Being completely honest, I was not the best husband after a few years of it, but did not end it until I caught her cheating on me) and had and off/on “friendship” until we were able to give a “relationship” a try. I had spent the year after the divorce getting my head together, vowing never to be the selfish, quick tempered a*****e I had become at the end of the marriage. When I finally reached out to her (note: I reached out to her. This will become a recurring theme). Hung out a few times then became “official.”

    The honeymoon phase was very, very short lived. Seven years of scattered history and any mistakes therein were almost immediately back at me whenever she was in one of her moods (tired, hungry, irritated, pretty much anything). The pattern became one of ten to fourteen good days, two or three days of fighting, lather rinse repeat. During the good periods, I helped her find a better job, get her drivers’ license back (while providing rides and/or Ubers), helped her get a car (luckily, not financially. my name is not on the car nor did i provide any money for it). She’d occasionally clean when she stayed over at my place or fold the laundry, she cooked once. Any time a female friend would contact me (no matter how long I had known them, often 15-20yrs), I was cheating on her. I didn’t completely isolate myself since I didn’t really talk/hang out with them that much to begin with but I definitely cut myself off from newer friends who I talked to often, who genuinely cared about me (and I them. you know, how friends do). She drank probably more than my ex wife but was open about it, which i rationalized as a better situation. two feigned suicide “attempts” during fights, hit me a few times (when we weren’t fighting, actually) and immediately apologizing. Regular last minute cancellations or no shows for plans. Leaving me hanging as to whether or not i should expect her (all i wanted to know was whether or not i could chain my apartment door). Complaining about everyone else in her life (so, i knew i was being complained about to any/everyone else) then praising them the second they were more interesting/doing something more fun that they wanted her to be a part of.

    After six months, I was drained. I couldn’t walk on eggshells anymore. The last night was bad. I hit my breaking point. The lies, the future faking, the flirting (she was/is a bartender/server, argued she had to flirt on the job to make tips which i was fundamentally fine with even though i tipped based on service, but she befriended her “regulars” on social media where she welcomed the flirting on there, which i felt was inappropriate but i was just “insecure.” the same regulars brought her gifts at work, a family eatery and sports bar, also felt it was inappropriate but i digress), the crazy making behavior. I was crazy (or at least crazed). I shouted, told her to get out of my car at her apartment (which she refused, initially), then the coup de grace: “I see why you got divorced.” That was it. Her things were boxed/bagged up and left on my stoop for her to pick up the next day.

    Four months no contact after the IMMEDIATE wave of relief washed over me from ending it. Eight months of being broken down again and I’m built back up better than before. Be strong, brothers and sisters, it gets better

  44. Aresna says:

    Living with a malignant narcissist is very damaging to us. We are beautiful loving people, I myself see that I was open game for him, I gave him all of myself and he took and never gave in return. I use to go on the dating site experts to learn how to win his love. It never worked, I realize that he can’t ever love, or be in love, and be compassionate, he has no empathy, and he has no conscience that I can see. I have tried to extricate myself from this relationship with him. He takes all I have, and uses the pattern of a threatning voice to control me. I can clearly see the the Stockholm Syndrome is at play here, I have found myself identifying with my capture. I think there is a way to break free. I have been studying this hard his disorder. He has tried on several occasions to premeditate my murder. He has Narcisstic Suppliers that are so charmed by him, they sound insane as they rant about how wonderful he is. This chills me to the bone, I say of course he is, because these people are believers in him and enablers and his flying monkeys. I have all my life sacrified my self for others, given love self lessly, been a sacrificial lamb a scapegoat. These predators prey on people like me. I have learned about them and use this knowledge to protect myself from it happening again. He stoled so much money from me. I am struggling with getting it back. I don’t love him, how could I. I love good decent loving people. He has been a nightmare from Hell. I also have kept going back into the arena only to be duped, and begin to believe his lies, they are very clever, but oh so revealing. When he says I have been sleeping around that means he has, and when he says he isn’t using me that means he is. In the Stockholm Syndrome, we go back to when we were infants and needed to identify with our main caretakers. We go back to that stage of development, it is here where our deep feelings of abandonment exist, and fear of survival and being innilated if we don’t succomb to bonding with the main caretaker. We are adults now, and though it feels very strong and painful and controlling, it is coming from the child within, the Malignant Narcissisist hooks you in on your deepest fears. It is not an easy task to break out of that hynotic trance that makes us deny reality to survive. Remember that he hooks you in with his off and on behavior, that is how one is gaslighted, there needs to be both the good and bad behavior. We feel all alone because he takes all of our friends away, with his smear campaigns, that is very painful. He did this to me. They abuse you so much that you become game for other Malignant Narcissists. It is true that we need time out and going NO CONTACT is the only way. You need to know what to expect emotionally. What we resist persists. We will continue the cycle until we face our pain. I am at that point now, I must face the peices I feel I have been broken into, and in time as I make new acquaintances through support groups, and as I develop myself by going to meetings of different interests. I will become to have a have a stronger self. I wish to God I could help us all break free. He got 3 women to attempt suicide and didn’t give a damn. They WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT US AND IT IS THEM, THEIR DISORDERED MINDS, this is indeed the hardest thing to do breaking up with a Malignant Narcissist, I think back also to what happened in stockholm sweden, the captors intermittent abuse with kindness made those people try to fight the police and get them out of prison and they even married them some of them. We need to find information on the stockholm syndrome dynamics and how to break free, I do not believe we can’t do this, I believe we can find a way to free ourselves of them forever. It is deliberate their actions upon us, it is there choice to hurt others.

  45. Sofia says:

    The Malignant Narcissist is only about himself or herself. They do not feel empathy or real love or compassion and intimacy they are devoid of conscience. It is imperative that I leave this man, he has played with my mind for over 2 yrs. He lies about everything, he uses everyone, we are all pawns in his dangerous game. I need to know where support groups are for survivors in Wake County, of the malignant Narcissist. I need support as I go NO CONTACT. Please reply to me ASAP… He does all the things that we read about, there is no love or intimacy, just abuse and his pretending to suck me in.

  46. michele says:

    Met Ken at the end of my divorce in 2007. Hence I was vulnerable to his swooning. I fell in the Narcissistic trap – yes, me, with the masters + 30 degree and two bachelors degrees….how did I not see this train wreck? Well as the narcissistic tale goes, we said our “I love you” to each other. That’s when he changed. Started treating me like crap. I was cold on his motorcycle one night and his friend said, “hey give your girl your sweatshirt she’s cold”. He pulled off the road SHOVED his sweatshirt at me and was angry the rest of the night….these events progressed and became worse. I’d share knowledge in long car rides which he would dismiss as false or not true. He would belittle me, roll his eyes at me and devalue me. But his ex wife with who he had two boys with could do no wrong. She was golden, I was crap. She left him for his alcoholism that he had recovered from before meeting me. His guilt must have made him feel like her indentured servant. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore and after 10 years of break ups, get backs I finally fled the relationship forever. It has been 8 months, no contact, but I am still healing. Very damaged by this man but glad I’m not growing old with him. He was 58 me, 52. I met another 52 year old man who is everything Ken was not. I am happy again. Damaged but happy.

  47. Jerome says:

    Thanks everyone for all those useful statements.
    I lived with a narcissist for more than 2 years, raised a little boy (now 4 and a half). She already had another one for a very brief relationship where the father refuse any involvement as he only found out he had a child once he was born.
    She finally moved out, after trying to evict me from my own house, lying about nursery fees and so much more.
    We are now still fighting in court to try to get a regular and steady arrangement for the custody of my son. She breached the order constantly and have no other choice but to return in court to enforce what was already put in place (here in the UK, mother seems to have it very easy).
    My main concern and question would be about the repercussions that can have on a new relationship. After 2 years of living away from her and no serious relationships, I finally found someone I’m happy with. She is actually the one who educated me about this narcissism issues. Our relationship has been at risk a few times when I, regretfully and unwillingly, found myself hiding stuff to my partner. She understand that it could be due to some residual habit of behaviour from what I was exposed. She felt that she couldn’t trust me as much. It breaks my heart to realised that I am become someone who act wrongly at time without realising. Could someone tell me that once recovering and realising what I’ve been exposed to, I could again be myself, a very honest and straight forward guy? It seems I need to regain the full trust in my ability first.
    Thank you

  48. newman says:

    I was married for 14 yrs and have been divorced for 15 yrs. After having been wiped out financially, been defamed as a domestically abusive cheater, had my son and daughter alienated from me, and lost all friends and family relationships, I did a google search for what I had and continue to go through. I was ASTONISHED to find out there was a term for what I had been through and that I wasn’t alone. As I read story after story (male and female) everything began to make sense and I realized I hadn’t lost my mind. Although I’m happy to finally get some understanding, I’m at that stage where I continue to replay all the times the techniques (gaslighting, smear campaigning, rages etc) had been used against me all the while I was futiley trying to make my marraige work. I’ve been consumed with hatred and anger at my covert NARC as I begin to realize how my feelings had been totally used against me and that my wife saw me as nothing more than “something” to be used and discarded as you would a piece of tissue. Even though she got most of the assets in the divorce through very dirty tactics, including false allegations of child abuse, after all these years she continues her smear campaign. My finances were left so bad that I lost my house and at 55 have been unable to pursue any long term relationships while she literally vacations all over the world while retaining the aura of a woman who was victimized and is now close to a saint. I never thought that such an evil person could hide behind such an innocent facade. And the most bittersweet part is that no one else will ever believe you or even began to understand the total damage (emotional et.al) that is done to a victim!

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