The No Contact Rule: The Narcissist and No Contact

The “No Contact” Rule for leaving a narcissist means exactly what it states – NO CONTACT. No emails, no texts, no late night dial and hang-ups, no drive-by’s, no contacting by proxy (via friends or family), no Facebook or Favorite Place stalking, no leaving notes on his/her car or apartment door, no sending letters……NO NOTHING. It is much harder than it sounds.

It will be hard because after a break-up you want closure. You want to be heard, you want them to know the pain they’ve caused- but they are never going to listen, and even if they do, they don’t understand the meaning. That is the beauty of “No Contact.” You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you were screaming. No Contact is pure rejection and the utmost revenge. It is empowering. It is your last word. That is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know who and what they are. They know their tricks no longer work with you…they know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. You are no longer their victim.

                                Tips to Help You Adhere to No Contact:

Settle all critical business before you begin No-Contact. This means business only… no personal exchanges.

Keep them pinned up in a room where you will see them throughout the day, read them frequently to remind you of them.

 

RULES of NO CONTACT

1. To keep my sanity and totally end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.

2. No Contact includes every single form of contact with him/her.

2a. This also includes NOT asking my friends/family about him/her and not letting friends/family tell me about him/her. If need be, I will go No Contact with any friends/family who try to get me to break No Contact.

3. I will not email him/her. I will not answer their emails. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it. I will block them.

4. I will not call him/her. I will not answer their calls. If he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all. I will block them and if need be, change my number to an unlisted one (and not give it to anyone who may pass it along to them).

5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind. Any flowers, mail or packages they send to me will be refused or marked “delivery refused” and put back into the mail, unopened.  (DO SAVE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR ‘EVIDENO CONTACTE’ OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc)

6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.  If he/she two-ways me, text messages or faxes me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call.  (DO SAVE IMPORTANT TEXTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR ‘EVIDENO CONTACTE’ OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc. USE  A JOURNAL!)

8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)

9. I will not check his/her Facebook/Tumblr/LinkedIn etc, and I will block them. I will delete him or her name and number from my phones. I will delete his/her email addresses. I will delete him/her from MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, LinkedIn and every other website on which I’m currently connected.

10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it or write DELIVERY REFUSED and put it in the nearest mailbox WITHOUT reading or opening it.  (DO SAVE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR ‘EVIDENO CONTACTE’ OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc)

12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-10, I will call my therapist or a friend immediately and talk about it.

OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy (or toxic hopes that they will “get it” and “change”) with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, shamed me, blamed me, abused me, used me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends.

13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this? what do I think will REALLY happen?

14. If friends, family or clergy are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own.

15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation, and then get right back on to No Contact.

16. No “accidental” meetings (if I can help it).  I will change my routine, go to the gym at a different time or on different days, find an alternate sports pub, or go to a different grocery store. Yes, it’s unfair that I have to change my lifestyle for the moment, but time and distance is how I’ll heal. Alternatively, even if I have to have my best friend lock me in my apartment/house, I will not go to places I know he/she is likely to be. (Even if you think you’re doing this to show them how happy you now are, this will backfire on you. Don’t do it!)

17. I will avoid places that remind me of him/her.

18. I will distrust every time he/she has a “change of heart.”

19. I won’t keep a foot in the door. (This applies to your foot as well as hers). Whether it’s leaving a few things behind at my place or negotiating visitation with a pet, I must cut my losses. When we break up, I will get all of his/her stuff out of my home ASAP.  (Or do my best to get all of my belongings out of their place at once). I won’t leave anything behind that I can’t live without. I will not allow him/her or myself an excuse to resume contact. (If you adopted a pet while you were together, just let him/her have the dog, cat, ferret, etc.)

20. I must accept responsibility for maintaining No Contact. I will stop expecting them to understand or ‘get it.’

21. I will avoid alcohol and other inhibition reducing substances. “Drinking and dialing” is generally always a big mistake. I don’t want to let this person back into my life because I had one too many drinks. (Plus, if you’re feeling down or depressed about the break-up/divorce, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and will only make you feel worse.)

References

http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/no-contact-rule/

http://forum2.aimoo.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Discussion-Board/No-Contact-Rule-1-1080432.html

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/04/no-contact.html

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About Alexander Burgemeester

62 Responses to “The No Contact Rule: The Narcissist and No Contact”

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  1. Louise says:

    I agree with all of the above criteria wholeheartedly, but… and would like to read what you have to say in response please.
    The “but” is children – who have the right to invite and have both parents attend significant events in their lives; weddings, award ceremonies, significant birthdays etc
    My strategy (for what it is worth) has been to make myself as attractive and successful as possible, ignore the (unfortunately, many – I read your article on the familial nature of narcissism) narcissist as much as humanly possible without making a scene, keep conversation with the narcissist as minimal and superficial as possible, and demonstrably have a good time.
    On the grounds that I want my children to recall their special event as a happy time, rather than a disastrous family war which causes them to shudder every time it comes to mind.
    So far so good (it has been over 10 years since I cut my losses and left), and it gets easier every time.
    And time being the great healer, I see that some of my children are (sadly for them) more aware of the reality of their father’s behaviour and while they still love him, are developing better self-defence mechanisms. (I do not discuss their father with them unless they raise the subject, and I explain that I will only do so because they asked.)
    Thank you for your articles – very clearly written, and a good resource.

    • WorriedFather says:

      Hi all,

      I like very much the material and advices provided in this website.
      My main concern (in line with other comments) and problem is that I have a 7-year old daughter, and I am a man.

      My daughter shares 50/50 time between me and my ex narc.wife (which ostensibly manipulates her in very smart ways, playing the victim, harrassing my current partner, etc.). When I made claims to her about misconduct, she said “I am the mother, so I am entitled to act to protect my daughter from the harm you cause to her, because you’re always a failure, etc. etc.”
      All the crap you know. The more you try to “dialogue”, the more you get engulfed in a paranoid situation, feeling crazy myself.

      My concerns are:
      1) are there many male parents in a similar situation? I mean, narc. people are nasty, but if they are “empowered” by society (e.g. Mother = protector of children), those fighting back are in an unlevel situation.

      2) I’d like to fight back in judicial arena, asking for custody of my child, and getting more “rights” than those of the mother. Has any man had such an experience? Some fellows say to me, it is nonsense, because my ex wife will play “the victim”, and only an expert board of psychiatrists could dictaminate “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (NPD). IN that case, can custody be removed from the person with NPD? Any comment or hint on this?
      I am not living in the USA, I know regulations can differ from one country to another.

      Best wishes and thank for enriching comments, and good luck for all those around the world fighting against these mutants (which resemble full-fledged human beings unless you have suffered them).

      • FightingFather says:

        I’m fighting for 50-50 in the US. My narc and I are separated and going through divorce now. She got scathed on a home visit and was told that she either gets therapy or doesn’t even get recommended even for 50-50. That got her negotiating. I have heard that NPD is hard to diagnose and even that diagnosis doesn’t seem to get very far. I am understanding that only when it starts to affect the children does it affect custody. The social worker wrote in her report that if my narc doesn’t get therapy it will start to affect the children.

        I hope the best for you.

  2. Dee says:

    Hi,
    I found your post very interesting & helpful Alexander because it actually confirms my gut instinct about what I need t do to survive.

    However, whilst I am fully prepared to take this route (& am quite frankly ‘done’ with his abysmal behaviour), we have 2 young children together. We separated following a year of him abusing me in front of our children & even after our separation the abuse continued for a while – until he terrified me so much that I called the Police. He stalked me for months but that has reduced since things got serious with his next victim although he is still ‘keeping an eye on me’. There have been criminal courts involved & now we embark on the road to sorting out his contact with the children (aged just 2 & 7). I have pushed for supervised contact only & he of course feels that this is beneath him & so has decided to take me to court for ‘joint residency’! As if all of this isn’t bad enough, now I find myself in a position where the court adviser for the children clearly has been ‘taken in’ by his charm, is ‘playing down’ his behaviour & I get the distinct impression that she thinks I am setting ‘him’ up!!?? Most of what happened was of course behind closed doors.

    Furthermore, she is even pressurising me to remove the restraining order put in place to protect me so that we can facilitate contact with the children (because in her opinion clearly the court order cannot stay in place forever). My solicitor understands my position but to the courts I am looking like I am being childish & obstructive by cutting contact with him. Any advice would be gratefully received. As you know the disorder is not widely recognised by those not in the knowledge & I am struggling to protect myself & my children.

    Many thanks,
    Dee.

    • John Carpenter says:

      You lost me with “No Contact is pure rejection and the utmost revenge. It is empowering.”

      Revenge is neither empowering or provides closure. As a matter of fact, research had demonstrated what Walter Scott said:

      “Revenge, the sweetest morsel to the mouth that ever was cooked in hell.”
      ― Walter Scott

      Research has indicated that while there is some brief–very brief–satisfaction in exacting revenge, the sweetness of those just deserts is superficial. In controlled experiments people who were allowed to exact “payback”, merely prolonged memories of the original injury they suffered at the hands of another and were stuck in a state of anger.

      Furthermore, there are neurochemical realities. The sudden end of a relationship affects critical neuro chemicals (i.e., dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin). The biological reality is that “No contact” is analagous to a drug addict going cold turkey and the vast majority of addicts can not pull it off which is why a supervised, methodical tapering markedly decreases suffering and greatly reduces the chance of a relapse while increasing the chance of getting clean.

      I cannopt stress enough a ssomone who has counselled many people who have gone through a very painful break up or divorce how radical these guidelines are and how they greatly increase the duration and intensity of the suffering anyone who slavishly adheres to them will experience while lowering themselves to the status of the person who wronged them.

      I advise people who seek my counsel to read Ovid’s “Cure For Love”, parts V, Vll, Xl,Xll, Xlll, and XV.

      For those who don’t wish to do that, here are some guidelines:

      1. Pretend you are happy–even thankful for the breakup. The moreso if you’re grieving deeply. William James said, “There is nothing so ridiculous the mind will not believe if repeated enough.”

      2. Make it seem as if the fever has broken. Be cordial. Treat your former love as a casual acquaintance.

      3. Conceal your advantage. You have made the decision you are not going back. By degree, simply reduce the attention you give the person. That will be enough.

      4. Relinquish fear. You are like a sleeping child having a nightmare, nothing more. Countless people have discovered the death of one relationship was necessary for a far better one.

      5. Remember: You haven’t lost a thing. You only imagined you were truly loved by this person but the evidence now doesn’t seem to support that at all.

      6. Avoid making contact (talk is o.k. providing you avoid “personal” conversation and keep it at the level of a causal acquaintance. No talk about your relationship, feelings, or social life.) If he or she calls, keep it short to avoid arguments (15 minutes or less) and be the first to end the conversation pleasantly.

      11. Slowly abandon the habits formed. It took time to fall into this trap; it will take time to fall out of it. Let love fade away in gentle stages. Don’t give it a timetable.

      12. Don’t hate your former love in any way. They are human and suffering also–or will. When we violate the laws of God or nature we become our own judge, jury, and executioner.

      13. Think of your rival if there is one. Repeat to yourself that the one you loved does not want your devotion. You might even have some compassion for that person since it is likely he or she will suffer the same pain you did.

      14. Let yourself look a year into the future and imagine this breakup with all it’s pain was necessary for you to have a great relationship because of the strength and lessons you acquired.

      15. Don’t believe words carry any weight. Radical, yes, but necessary now.

      16. Don’t let it be known why your affecttion has cooled.

      17. Don’t say what grieves you; grieve silently.

      18. Whose silent is strong. LISTEN AND SHUT UP.

      19. As soon as you can kiss any rival you are cured!

      20. Compare your former love with the kind of person you really know is best for you.

      20. Don’t speak of his or her faults.

      21. Don’t visit familiar places. Stay away from Facebook.

      22. It is enough not to care; love is not ended by hating or self pity.

      23. Do not question why things are the way they are or why she feels as she does or why you weren’t good enough. Looking for reasons prolongs the problem

      24. DON’T ASK WHAT HE OR SHE IS DOING. EVER.

      • Clint says:

        Hi John – No offense, but I respectfully disagree. “No Contact” is not about getting revenge – that’s juat a biproduct. No Contact is first and foremost about self-respect. It’s about preserving your own sanity. It’s about saying, “I accept that this person will never change, and “I choose not to be abused by this person anymore.”

        And while some are able to interact with their significant Narc on a superficial basis such as you say, others are not nearly strong enough for that.

        I can give myself as an example. For 10 years after I realized that my mother is an Narcissist, I tried your way. I moved away from her, set personal boundaries. I tried to keep it light, keep things superficial. But she still hurt me anyway, because when I’m around her, my brain easily falls back into those old patterns. The only way for me to escape that is to escape from her – Completely.

        Another way of thinking about it is the same way you’d think about a victim of rape. Would you recommend that the victim still be in contact with her abuser? Would you say that it is “too harsh” for her not to have contact with him? Or that he should still stay in contact, but just keep it superficial? Of course not.

        To me, it is no different for a Narcissist. This woman abused me as a child (physically and mentally), and continues to abuse me as an adult (emotionally). How is staying in contact – in any way – anyhow – how could that POSSIBLY be good for me? The answer is clear: It’s not.

        The rest of what you said was good, and I enjoyed reading and thinking about your points. Thank you.

        Kind Regards,
        Clint

        • Jess says:

          Well said. NC with a narc is not a hateful or vengeful act at all, really. For most of us, it’s simply a matter of peace and self preservation.

        • Tanya says:

          I agree with what you said whole heartedly clint. No contact is not an act of revege on the Narc. It is self preservation. If they receive it as a slight to their ego or as revenge.. so be it. Its a small price for them to pay considering all the damage they have inflicted and all the months or years of healing the victim/target will now undergo. No Contact is THE only way. I was with A Narc off and on for 11 years. Went through the idealize devalue discard phase so mqny times I can’t count. No contact is the only way!!!

      • Josh says:

        Excellent post and list. Hard to argue no contact is probably best approach, but agree more with you. Thank you.

      • Rebecca says:

        Out of all the posts, this one sounds like the most humane, mature , loving and workable. It is painful to recognize that your loved one who has NPD. It must be kept in mind that these are sick people, who, because of probable childhood trauma, UNCONSCIOUSLY created a defence mechanism to deal with thier own pain.It is for lack of ever having learned any coping skills that your loved one resembles a soul-less creature. This is all new to me. I’ve been in an 8 yearrelationship with a man I have lost a great deal to. It seems though, that they should be the one who is to be pitied… for they will never know love, intimacy, or feel any connection to any other human beings. Are they not already in a living Hell? We, will be survivors. We must keep our distance and not poke sticks at things that bite. I think I’ll just say prayers for him, and observe the above mentioned rules. Sir Walter Scott’s quote is right on.

        • Jess says:

          Well said, Clint. NC with a narc is not a hateful or vengeful act at all, really. For most of us, it’s simply a matter of peace and self preservation. I agree with you also, Rebecca. Narcissism is an illness for which there is no known cure, so it’s perfectly natural for those of us who have been victimized to feel a certain measure of sadness and compassion for the person with NPD; particularly when we are aware of what, specifically, it was that caused their trauma in the first place. These are people who have no idea who in the hell they really are, and most are too afraid to look deeply into themselves and find out.. But that doesn’t mean we should allow the abuse to continue. Wish good things for them, and don’t hate. But stay away.

          • Nathalie says:

            Jess, I was so relieved to read your post. I prefer to believe, as you say, that my husband is a terribly damaged individual who is in an exhausting spiral of self delusion and lashing out. Many posts on many sites show an intense dislike/hatred for the narc, but if they have a personality disorder, surely this is a mental illness? I feel that my husband is broken and that after many years of believing I can “fix” him, which have cost my self esteem dearly, I have come to the conclusion that only he can do that and only with expert help, which he rejects, because of the characteristics of a narc.

            I would have LOVED him to get the help he needs so that we could have lived the fairy tale our relationship was at the start, but he hasn’t, maybe he will in the future and I know that if he does I will be sad that it came too late for us. BUT I have done everything humanly possib le to create a background in which he could get help to change and he hasn’t, so now I must walk away.

            I have never been able to hate him, I have watched him make the same mistakes over and over again at work, with the result that he has no chance of a career. He has, grudgingly, said that he has some “difficulties” in relationships with people at work (and at home), but he has never been able to expand that to actually doing something about it.

            It is a more comfortable situation for me to accept that he does love me, in his damaged, convoluted way but is unable to show it in a “normal” way, ( just look at the fact that the spiral of building you up, tearing you down and rejecting you are accepted features of the illness and you have to see that this is a problem that is beyond their sole control, it cannot be a coincidence that so many people act in an almost identical manner) and that the fallout of his behaviour is no longer acceptable for the damage it does to me.

            I’m not sure hating the mentally ill does anyone any good, I feel sorry for my husband, he had a wife who would do anything for him, who loved him to distraction and he lost her. That’s his tragedy.

      • lacey says:

        Thank You

  3. Susan says:

    Yes, I thought the same…..where are the rules for “No contact” when you have children….how are those situations handled?

  4. Melanie says:

    I love the “No Contact” rule and wish that I had the luxury of following it completely. I have a 12 year old who is required to see her father. I would love to find a mediator of some sort that my Ex, or my “N” (Narcissist) as I prefer to call him would have to go through to contact me. That way I could change my phone number and email and just completely cut him off. I just need some one who could not be manipulated and would screen his calls and texts then pass on any pertinent information to me…dates and times concerning our daughter. Do you know of any kind of service like this as it would be amazing.

  5. Aine says:

    I’m co-parenting an 8 year old child with my ex Narc and that basically means No Contact rule just can’t be applied. Normally we don’t see each other during the week as I do most of the childcare on school days, but we HAVE to communicate regarding our child’s plans, needs, parties etc.

    Before he got absorbed into a new ‘soulmate’ relationship, he used to start conversations from something genuinely important to our child and then slowly move onto his typical word diarrhoea consisting of words such as “love”, “sorry” mixing with verbal abuse and little glimpses from his new budding relationship. He lied a lot, insisted I was crazy, that things never happened etc. – typical N’s stuff. Handling this was difficult at first, but then it became simple with a few useful phrases: “I’m not discussing this with you”, “Talk to a therapist maybe?”, “Sorry, but I need to this or that so let’s just get to the point”, “This conversation is over”, “I’m fine and happy, hopefully you too” and similar expressions. Writing these down helps a lot. Say these words with a flat robotic voice. I also used to just finish the phone conversation suddenly when he wandered off the topic or just go to another room when we had a face-to-face conversation.

    Also, I noticed that sending some clear instructions to Narc such as “X(child) needs to be at this place at 11 am, so prepare some food and do this/that” also helps – because basically they know that they HAVE to do this, otherwise they will be judged by me and maybe some other people as well (because I can tell them, can’t I?). Checkmate. All those things so, so beneath them that have to be done, awww. I know it may seem like a calculated strategy and… that’s what it is. And there is a hint of sweet revenge as well.

    When my Narc still lived with me and was very abusive I just told him I’ll be recording his words and that I set up a little camera or maybe more than one, somewhere to record what he’s doing. Weirdly, that helped a lot. He would NOT risk his career (a lawyer) and reputation…

    It really is a minefield, co-parenting with a Narc, but it can be done. I know it is horribly difficult for a person who just got out of an abusive relationship and is totally off balance… Narcs are so, so skilled in throwing in a little *hint hint*, a tiny degrading comment or just suddenly becoming a huge avalanche of toxic words.

  6. justme says:

    I left my narcissist last year, i have been off and on with no contact rule. But now i have reached 3 months of no contact but i don´t feel any big difference. I still cry a lot and think about him every second. Am exhausted and sometimes i question myself that what of if he wasn´t a narcissist. I was told that he was narcissist by his family member and he was abusive to me that i know, he fight me physically, abuse with words, emotionally and mentally. But sometimes i remember i fight him back too, abuse him back with words. It was tough that i blame myself that could it be that he was abusive to me because i was abusive as well??? He left to another country, but he is giving me silent treatment more than i give him and that kills me. Now am starting to think or is it me who is abusive, narcissist and crazy?? i still love this dude to death…now i have been thinking to contact him through email and to just say hi, just want to know what he is thinking and if we could both change and be together…….at the same time am thinking that i will regret contacting him….my life have been terrible sometimes since we separated am not same person as i use to be before i met him and when i was with him….i was i live but now i feel dead.

    • helen says:

      Hi justme, reading your story reminds me of mine many yrs ago. He was your typical narcissist. I also left him many many times but only to come back begging to be taken back. In my case it only ended because he found someone else. But looking back now, I can see that I had such low self esteem and desperately wanted that “love” I got from him. He in turn knew this was my weakness so he thrived in seing me weak.and vulnerable. This was in fact why he chose me in the first instance, to play emotional games and exploit my vulnerabilities to make me feel as though I was crazy and unlovable. I understand well how difficult it is for you now. It is because we were hooked on their fake love as a drug to give us joy. But understand that as any drug of addiction, it is only a bandage fix that only harms us more. It is hard now and will be for some time but once you are free in time, it will all make sense. In the meantime, think of plans to help you stick to no contact.

      • Elvia says:

        Helen, I’m going through it right now, have ended things only to plead I didn’t mean it. It’s been 3 days, no contact. 2 weeks haven’t seen him. LAst Friday took every bit of strength I had to say no to him, he was begging to see me and I wanted to cave but didn’t. I can’t sleep, I cry, even started drinking. I’m online to read anything that will help me stAy away from him, and your story hit me in the gut and if you got through it, I know I’ll survive, thanks

    • Annette says:

      He will never change. He has a personality disordet , meaning these traits are persistent and pervasive. Hec will not change because he does not believe he has caused any pain. Continue no contact. Start focusing on your healing and your journey. Learn how to fall in love with YOU. He took so much from you..Don’t give him anymore. Recapture you spirit. Meet with a therapist, take a class, join a women’s support group, join a meetup group. Spend time with friends who care about you,because he didn’t and he don’t. Self care is your mantra. You will be very OK.

      • Letticia Mariscal says:

        No contact works for me. I so loved my friend still do. It’s not easy with a broken heart, but time does heal all wounds .He is forever in my prayers. Stay strong. Don’t give in. Call a friend, family member a priest. Pray and God will do the rest.

    • wenlor says:

      Dear Justme, It was not just you. I left my N who was my husband three months ago. We were married 6 years when he decided to divorce me and married someone else right there. I thought it was a case of infidelity/money interest. I felt terrible but got over it. Moved and had a happy life. 5 years later, after he gave me the silence treatment, he contacted me, apologized -like he was reading the script on a N description article- and we re-married. I decided to leave him after 18 months of 2nd marriage. He got abusive, he intimidated me, invited me to leave our home several times and set me traps to “be explosive” so I could have been arrested. Lucky of me, I consider myself intelligent and a woman of resources. I learnt my 1st lesson. I kept him under tight surveillance and found him cheating on me again. The discoveries were unbelievable. It was a LT relationship of 10 years. The guy -male- didn’t know he married someone else after divorcing me and believed I was crawling back to my N. When he knew it, he ended their LT. I left him without warning. I know he had his episode of grieving. I had no contact for a month but then, I wrote e-mails to have him file the divorce and again, I get silence treatment. Only, I don’t care anymore and I filed the divorce myself. then, I learnt he’s a NPD individual. Yes, he qualifies almost 100%. I sent him informative e-mails regardless he read them or not. I felt better. I set up myself a due date when I’d stop my communications. I was the one leaving him. I know he got another victim last month but it is their problem. Don’t feel bad about loving him. Feelings don’t stop from one day to another. I will suggest you to read uplifting articles or if you are a believer, the Word of God that set our hearts and minds in great peace. Go out, surround yourself with sincere and supportive friends. Don’t talk about him with anyone. Believe that every new day brings it’s own trouble, live your life in a daily basis. Believe me when I say, he doesn’t think of you anymore. He will when he’d feel he may benefit from a new contact with you and THAT is too bad for you. Forgive him and praying for him will make it easy your moving on.

  7. Elizabeth says:

    I can relate to you ladies and the painful struggle to stay away from these monsters. I have been with a narcissist for 1.5 years …. I am 30 and he is 40… he has manipulated, controlled, abused …. and, brought me to the lowest level of self esteem. I have cried so many tears wishing he was someone he is not. I was seduced and fell in love with a person he is not. Everyone thought he was a wonderful person on the outside but behind closed doors, he was evil…. prostitutes, p**n and drug addiction to say the least. We have been broken up for 3 months – but, today is 4 days no contact…. There is no choice but to stay strong and move forward. If this door does not close a better one will never open up. My heart goes out to everyone going through this. We are all in this together.

    • Jane says:

      Hi I am going through this too and like you reading everything online I can to try and understand why he did what he did.I left three months ago and went with WA and although he has contacted me via text I have ignored him even scared to open the text.He has starting emailing my family to get to me.My days are hard as I miss him and I think I still love him ,reading online makes you see your not alone tho

      • kathleen says:

        My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago I want my stuff back my GPS, lingerie, dishes and he owes me a little $$$$$. HE refuses to give my my things blocked my calls blocked everything told the guard at his complex NOT to let me in. The items he has are costly What possesses a groown man to keep my things we broke up mutually 3 weeks ago after 8 months of on again off again. I am thru this time but he has no right to keep my things We won 400 on the lottery he had the tickets so where’s my share? He owes me $310 that I lent him PLUS he has my belongings what the heck does he want with my lingerie anyhow????????? What’s with this foolish man anyway?????

    • Jaqueline Gordon says:

      My situation is this: I’ve known mine for 20 years. He is 9 years older and we met when I was 17. I was poor and impressionable and we hooked up. We hooked up again when I was 21. I left the country and 16 years passed. I grew and changed. He did not. When I was 21, he said all he right things to me about wanting to marry me, my being his perfect woman etc but he could never be faithful and repeated his somatic sexual cycle with many women, leaving a wake of destruction of minds and hearts. I knew this and made my life and my growth my priority. I don’t know if he genuinely meant what he said or if he was in the value cycle.

      He is talented, charming, good looking, he can be very caring and sweet natured. But he is also a predator. The old dynamic between us was that I was the younger impressionable woman and he was the older guy, taking an interest.

      We have been FB friends for a while and he has always made sexualised comments and innuendo on my FB photos etc. Earlier this year, I was traveling and transited through his city and asked if I could stay overnight and fly the next day as I had a 15 hour stop over. I am married and have been with my husband for 12 years. He had married and has been with his wife for 6 years. I thought he had changed, settled down and that his child (an 18 year old to another woman) had shown him to respect women and have some morals.

      The first two days were ok, but during that time he subtly berated my life choices (I chose not to go into modelling but to get a tertiary education and I have a serious job working with families who need assistance. I am well paid and well suited to my job), told me I was intense and that my husband must have a hard time with me etc etc. He cycled between trying to fit me into a box he could understand and flattering me. On the third day, he sounded me out for sex and basically said that the only reason he is faithful (I don’t believe he is) is that society expects it of him and would I have sex with him which he could justify because we had been connected for so long. I said no. The morning that I left he tried to kiss me several times with his wife upstairs.

      I got back home and there proceeded to be no end of head games with me. A week in, I cut him off cold. I just blipped off his radar; no whatsapp, unfriended on FB and no instagram. I suffered terrible grief and loss. Why? Because in 2013 his dad died and my sister died and we actually developed a bit of a connection and a friendship and I wanted that. I wanted that person, the dropping of the facade – not the sexual pursuit that he was so keenly wanting.

      He managed to weasel his way back in there two weeks after my no contact. He proceeded to pursue me sexually and as I was still very sexually attracted to him, I gave in to an extent. I tried to draw the line several times and at some point in his mind, he got what he wanted and discarded me. I was utterly bewildered. He was hot then cold, spoke to me like a person and then treated me like a w***e, ignored me for days and then messaged me. All I ever wanted was a friendship.

      I now look back and realise that he was angry with me for cutting him off the first time that he went on a calculated journey to completely destroy my self-esteem. He made fun of where I lived, where my parents lived, how much I made, my life choices. He was a total s**t actually.

      Now I’m a very strong person, my relationships are characterised by love and respect and don’t put up with anyone’s nonsense ever. I have very clearly boundaries. I would call him out on his behaviour and he’d jump back over the line and pretend I was mad.

      Over the space of three days, I compassionately, respectfully and directly laid down the law and how it was that his behaviour and game playing were not on and that he had disrespected me, himself, our marriages and that it needed to stop. I made it clear that I only ever wanted friendship from him and that he had hurt me quite badly. Of course, the response I got back was perfunctory and as though I was crazy.

      I enacted no contact for two weeks but my heart was broken. I felt so stupid, so used, so destroyed by someone that I trusted. I just couldn’t understand why I could be dragged into what is clearly an abusive and disrespectful cycle but the 20 year relationship was very difficult to break and we are very connected socially. I just cried and cried.

      The only form of communication he had with me was through instagram so he posted photos of his iPod with “tracks of my tears” and other photos that he knew would have only meaning for me. He also posted a lot of selfies of himself out and about getting roaring drunk and having a grand old time.

      I cracked, I sent him a text message about music as we are both keen music lovers. He came back with something music related, with xx after every thing he sends. We Whatsapped about his daughter arriving and Christmas gifts we got but I realised that as much as I wanted him to be a good man, to be a faithful husband to his wife, to be a good friend and to see past the fact that once upon the time I was a young impressionable girl but now, 20 years later I’m actually an extraordinary, strong, successful person with long lasting real relationships, none of that will ever happen.

      Not every description of narcism fits him here. Each person is individual and he has his redeeming qualities. His ex’s somehow forgive him and love him and I can’t figure out why – he’s a misogynist to the core. So now, I’m enacting a no contact 28 day rehab with him. I hope that the redeeming qualities that he has will mean that he will finally get it together, but after reading everything here, I realise that the reality of this happening is very slim.

      Do I think he has actual feelings for me and that there is a connection? Yes I do. It’s clear to me that when confronted with someone who took no s**t and drew the line, he was completely thrown and reverted back to defence mechanisms to handle it; but he also suffered for the perceived loss of me as his “supply”. He wants to keep the door open. The sad reality is that I need to close the door, even though I really love him as a friend.

      So, 28 days started yesterday. Still going strong today. Wish me luck

      J

  8. Valarie says:

    I’m in the other boat. My ex is all business with me since our breakup 2 weeks ago. He’s very no nonsense about it all and because I’ve known him for years prior to our relationship I had first hand knowledge of his ability to just shut his feelings off for a significant other. Huge red flag ignored. And I know everyone feels like they need their ex to show some kind of feelings, some kind of remorse for what’s happening. So do I. Compounded by him abandoning me and my son, I delivered our baby stillborn about 1 month and a half ago. He began distancing himself immediately and I figured it was us grieving in different ways, completely understandable and to be expected. But overnight he was a different person, went away for Christmas (alone by his request) to visit his family and didn’t bother to call/text to say he got there (cross country in bad weather) or wish us a merry Christmas. Just completely fell of the map for a whole week. I still tried to be patient and give him the space he asked for though I was still greiving tremendously. When he came homes a week later his eyes were dead. He left us that week but didnt officially move out. When it came time to tell my son he backed out saying he couldn’t do that to us. Well the next week was horrible, just a horrible sense of dread, no communication unless of course it was about him. Not once did he ask about me, you know, being that I had just lost my son. Either way, the vibe in the house was unbearable and 1 week after he returned, I woke up and asked him to leave. He made it seem like I finally saw the light and this was best for all of us. It wasn’t until I started researching N that I realized I had been emotionally abused, I mean every single characteristic fit him. Everything was making sense, all the puzzle pieces fit. But I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m getting around, trying to function for my son, but inside I’m dying. I can’t believe he did this to me. I know the facts are layed out but my heart is broken. I can’t help but think God took our son to spare me being attached to him forever. But I just can’t reconcile everything I’m feeling.

    • Valarie says:

      And to make things exciting, we moved to a new, big city for his job less than 6 months ago from a rural town, so we have 0 friends or family here and I’m in a year lease in an enormous home meant for 4 🙁

  9. Kat says:

    I loved this article. I finally bit the bullet after 7 months since he broke up with me and changed my number. After receiving countless cards in the mail from him that gave me mixed messages I just couldn’t take it anymore. The last card was for valentines day. It said that I will always be his love. I found out he has begun a relationship. He had been telling me that he wanted to get back together but I declined. I would never want to go through that again. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I’ve been receiving phone calls month apart and then when I don’t answer or return the call I receive cards. I know a mutual person who knows him but would never disclose that we know each other and found out that my ex is going out trying to find a new victim like a crack addict. It’s so sad what he will do for validation I actually find it ridiculous. He’s 49 years old and depends on other peoples validation to sustain him. I’m currently working on myself. I have no use for a relationship. I’m picking up the pieces. Plus I’m afraid to meet a guy like my ex. I’m dating myself lol. Changing my number was healing but he can still use the post but I’ll keep this article close by to “return to sender.” I didn’t return the valentines day card. Wish I had read this article before then. The card sent my emotions reeling. I spent a whole week depressed because I thought I should go back to him. The narcissist always sends messages that are cryptic and make you think. I spent a whole week second guessing myself and crying like a baby. He even called but luckily I didn’t call back. I did however said thank you on text a few days later for the card and of course he never texted back. So yesterday after a week of thinking of going back I changed my number for good. My health and sanity are too important to allow someone like this to play games with me. Thanks for this article it is going to help me and a lot of other people hugs!

  10. Hope says:

    Hi every one:) you are all so Brave and I thankyou all for sharing .. about this NO CONTACT ” I was introduce to this Guy through my Aunt whom i thought was lovely just straight after my sister Death my Aunt thought i should have a man Friend in my life,, I was and had been single for 10 month’s from my last boyfriend of 7month’s he was a NPD to. My grief was deep and at loss when my sister died i was so open I had no one to comfort me and soon found my self in Bed and love making to this man I thought that really cared for me he seem to be at first kind caring and he then was just dropping over 2 day a week I wanted along term relationship and commitment after 2 week’s I stared to get abuse from him Demeaning me Badgering me putting me down and I was so in despair at one stage I felt Strip of my person .. I have been a person who took care of my self and respect other’s this man was very good looking Charming and a great lover I was a lot taken in by him he was a bit older then me also ,,I let him know that I don’t just get close or let any one in my Bed for closeness, anyway we was seeing each other for only 3mth’s I just stop seeing him again and I Told him not to contact me anymore it’s over. He was a very rude man put me on hold on say that he would ring me back but he got a kick out of this Game turn u on and off like your nothing ,, so I put a stop to this Again it’s now been 7 Day’s no contact but the only thing is I had no contact with him for 6 week’s and then he rang me up I gave into him and he got he thing’s he left and then I sent him a text it’s over plz Don’t ring me again it’s over.. I do care for him but I don’t want to be his Floor wail He be the Stage, just knowing im not alone is helping me to stay strong with the No Contact is hard but I want to recover and move on but he is there somewhere still thinking that I belong to him I feel this and that is Freaky .. Ladies Stay strong they don’t Care it’s like they can strike again because they have the power in there Head always planning when to get us off guard but we still have to take care of who we are and our DREAM’S do thing’s we like and Enjoy Life the way we saw it before we meet the Man with NPD Remind yourself like me every Day we can do this Moving on No Contact.. Peace to all

    Cheer’s Hope:)

  11. Janet Acquilano says:

    Hello Everyone, My narcissist and I dated a little over 25 years ago, but somehow I knew not to continue back then. This time I was not long divorced and he saw my profile on match.com, which made me unfinished business with him, and also vulnerable. I believed he really cared for me, but I do not understand anything anymore. It has been 3 years with him, more off than on. Nothing bad physically, but the mental abuse has left me scarred, and I thought I was stronger than that. He told me that when we met 25 years ago, I was a bartender and he saw that I wanted to help everyone. He liked that and hoped that could rub off on him. It didn’t. He never broke up with me, but I broke it off, left early, many times for the inconsiderate comments and treatment. For some unknown reason I went back and it was like nothing had happened. Once I even told him he was a narcissist not only from what happened with me, but why his past relationships always ended up with the woman cheating on him because they could not get what they needed too. I tried to help him, but he saw that as only psychobabble from me. It has been over a month and a half of no contact, and I will not go back. The problem is I still think about the one on one closeness we shared, which sex was the only thing we really shared. The sex was great, but that is not enough for me. He will never find time for anything else. He believes sex shows how much he loves me. I will take conversation over sex any day, but I still miss the feelings of hope, want, and probably lust too, I had when we were together. I waited for 3 years for something to change, but it did not. I lost my job at the end, mainly because I think I was so hurt all the time from his not finding time to see me, that things bothered me more than they should. When my work terminated me they told me the residents love me, I am a great worker, everything gets done when I work, they will write me a great reference, you are terminated. I can’t live feeling sorry for myself, or with anger towards anyone or thing, because anger keeps them living inside you. When I knew we would see each other I would be on top of the world. Those time would fall through often, and even a little at the start too, but I believed things would change. I went back to school and got my CNA certificate and am working again. All of the negative things seemed to happen to me and not him, and that I do not understand since he was the one making the rude comments, promises not kept. putting me down, always having to do things at his convenience, never asking me what I would like. I will always want the best for him because I did fall in love with the idea of him, even knowing it would be hard work. I had started reading a Course in Miracles and thought this was my test to help someone be stronger and happier, which would also help me. I am not sure exactly why I had to go through this experience. I do believe everything happens for a reason, and I am going to be more careful than I have ever been in finding the next person to share life with. My insides got messed up a little from the constant stress of “Never Being Enough” As of 2 days ago, I have finally found peace from reading many things of victims of narcissists. This thing is, I do not want to go through life being a Victim, as is this narcissists life. Always the victim!! I am looking forward to the day that he does not cross my thoughts all the time. It has been helpful to know that my feelings were real, and I can live with things better because of that. Thank you everyone for your stories too, because that has helped to not feel so alone. I think you all get that too. Bless you all. Things were messed up for quite awhile. I think it is time for that pendulum to swing the other way for all of us : )

  12. just me says:

    its been over a year and i keep coming back here to remind myself. what a hard journey its been

  13. not you says:

    well my goodness. I dunno what to do. This is all new to me. Long story short, I believe that someone I considered to be a close friend suddenly started to see me in a really negative light. I will admit my behaviors are less than perfect, and i started to get really worried, scared and humbled after reading up on NPD, then after reading more about it realized that friend fits just as many if not more of the symptoms of NPD, and i think i sent her a link about it, then lol but not really funny a week or two later she suddenly stops texting me and i got really mad because she knows that the last and worst hurting experience in my life happened to end in abandonment, and because i started getting fearful, to frustrated, to angry and mad because i sensed she was purposely trying to hurt me the best way she could, responded by sending really mean text messages and said a lot of stuff that would hurt if she has any feelings.

    Then I discovered a few days later an e mail from her. It was sent before my mean text messages but it stated she was changing her phone number the next day and basically blamed me and pointed out all my faults and then stated how if this was to continue it would only end in some tragic horrible and dramatic fashion like the past relationships. I don’t understand that statement. I know she has suffered through a lot of abusive relationships, but it sucks because I’m not any of those people, and i’m not a narcissist, and i don’t have NPD or BPD, just ADD.
    what hurts worse than probably being in a relationship you have to end with someone with NPD is to actually be accused and or treated as though you have it. Right? need some insight here. Will be appreciated thanks.

    • Susan says:

      Unfortunately, the narcissist will NEVER TAKE THE BLAME FOR ANYTHING, and because of this they will NEVER LOOK AT THEIR PART IN ANY RELATIONSHIP SEVERING …. NEVER, EVER. At the point of severing the relationship with you, it will always be YOUR fault. Do not believe this. You are not the reason. The narcissist will live a lonely, long life with no one except those he needs to fuel his narcissistic supply of praise, admiration, worth. Just let it go and take care of yourself.

      For all you others out there who are suffering, the sooner you end it, leave, and move on, the sooner your pain will start to heal. One good thing out of it all is to know that ‘we’ at least can FEEL pain, ‘they’ do not.

  14. layyina128 says:

    I left my controlling and emotionally (also slightly physically) abusive husband 5 months ago and moved to a new city, strictly maintaining the no contact rule (changed everything: email, number, address). He finally found out through German officials where I am living and opening the door one morning to go to work, I see him sitting on the stairs with a bouquet of roses, waiting for me. He said “please wait. I love you”. I was infuriated and most surprised. I angrily said “go away” and ran out to catch my bus. He followed me despite my running fast and yelling at him to leave me alone.
    He did not back off until I actually called the police.
    10 hours later he texts my sister and tells her to tell me not to worry, he will leave me alone and will never bother me again but that he will nevertheless keep on waiting for me if I ever change my mind.
    It’s been four days and he didn’t show up again nor tried to contact.
    Question 1: will he maintain his promise. Will he really leave me alone? I know him to be highly insistent and obsessive when he puts his mind to something.
    Is there a tendency for him to start stalking me again?
    Can this get dangerous?
    God help and strengthen all of you victims out there.

  15. pia says:

    I really appreciate what you all are going through. My son is the pathological narcissus in my life. He is my only child. He has had two children 12 years apart and has nothing to do with them or their mothers. Never supported them in any way. I have not spoken to him since last February, and he has clearly stated to me that I am “nothing to him”. He is a recovering addict and is a “rock star” in a 12-step program and even works as an addiction counselor. The persona he puts out there is so “zen”, it makes me sick. I often just want to “out” him on the social network, but I’ve only recently realized how much time I put into thinking about him as compared to my own needs and wants. My heart is so broken. I keep thinking if only I said just the right thing, or confronted him, or told his friends the truth about him so they could do an “intervention”, then he could change. But your article clearly tells me that nothing will change him. I must learn to live my remaining years without my child in my life. Thank you for your attention. Writing this helps. Stay strong everyone.

  16. Susan says:

    I’ve been on the ‘No Contact’ now for 3 months. At 1:05 a.m. my phone rang. It was the ex. I hesitated at first to answer it. I kind of regret answering it now as he told me that the sheriff had just come to his door to tell him his son had died. I was close to the stepson. After offering my condolences I was slammed again with an insult of sorts when he told me he couldn’t talk and abruptly hung up. Was this him reaching out to me for comfort? If so, what in the world was I doing giving it to him? I will not be attending the services for this boy, even though I loved him dearly. Bottom line: I need to take care of ME now, and leave him and his family to deal with their loss. I shall grieve silently here at my own home where I am SAFE.

  17. Ken says:

    I personally think it’s better not to view NC as some sort of revenge, risks dragging you into the t*t-for-tat arguing as you seek validation for your feelings from someone who neither recognises nor cares for them. NC is self preservation, it’s about safety and sanity.

    But then I think I feel that way because I also disagree with “They have finally come to understand you know who and what they are. “. I don’t think the monster I grew up with is capable of being that rational or introspective. Everything is someone else’s fault, he’s perfect.

    If I’m critical of a parenting style which involved him smashing up my toys in front of me as a young child or waving knives around and making threats as a teenager, then I’m at fault. If I suggest the experience was damaging, it’s because I’ve fallen under the influence of someone who is telling me to feel that way.

    You can’t get closure against that, and there is no cure, you can only excise the malignant lump from your life.

  18. Liberty says:

    I did all of this and was reprimanded by the court. I tried to explain how abusive my sob’s father is and how I needed a court order to protect me and my son but she didn’t care. She punished me. The good thing is that it is only a temporary order and we have a trial coming up soon.

    • Eclair says:

      This is what I am afraid of. I established an account called talking parent and kept skype on. I did change my number and what’s app. He blocked me from Facebook but I blocked him from instagram. I told him to send the child support payments via my mom and gave him my mom’s Email address so he can send them western union. I just started this 4 days ago. I hope I made the right decision by leaving a last message that said, ” good morning ex, this number won’t be available by 10am today please send all childsupport payments to my mother. Thank you.” He responded how would he video our daughter. I DIDNT REASONS. I wanted to say we have been calling you on skype but you don’t return calls so I just changed my number and didn’t respond. I did leave skype on like u said just in case the courts get involved. And I did add talking parents a couple weeks ago.

  19. Kevlynn says:

    Much of these comments have to do with ex spouses or in dating relationships. My N is my brother that has weaseled his way into our lives over the past 14 years….currently built his home across the road, life has become a nightmare dealing with this self absorbed arrogant non human, that uses my husband as a “proxy” & he is currently dating a former RN/psychotherapist. Her mouth fell open when I mentioned, “he’s a Narcissist”…she doubted me by saying, “I don’t know about that, as he misses me when I leave”…DUH! It’s all about his “image” to others…I notice that she constantly criticizes HIM & he just laughs it off..she’s told him, “you’re a party pooper, & you’re very unobservant”, seems she has the upper hand if he wants to “keep her”….I believe he’s been taken over by the Spirit of Jezebel, that I’ve resorted to researching…thanks for your website.

  20. Lena says:

    DEE, I relate so much to what you said. My God, how these narcissists suck people in with their “charm” and ability to lie with no remorse or conscience whatsoever. Godspeed to you, dear woman. I pray they all find out the truth about him and apologize to you bigtime for ever falling for his fake act.

    This is a great page – great responses. <3

  21. I built my ex several local and online businesses, giving up attempts to secure work after deciding to leave the area only to stay due to “love”. I devoted 4.5 years to building online businesses, company profiles and followers, multiple contacts in FL where we were to live after we got married. Opened him up an Ebay store and successful online e-commerce. Gave him all my savings and let me credit go to hell since I wasn’t earning any money, just making it for him always with the promise we were moving in six months-so I hung on. I used my excellent online reputation to build his non-existent one, completely erasing any sign of me so he could get the credit. Well, he did. He’s hand over fist in money, and the thousands and tens of thousands sent to his mom for our house suddenly disappeared. Homeless, penniless, and devastated, I’ve spent past 10 months walking away from our joint businesses-all ebay/stores, tile companies, domain flipping, herbal remedies, car flipping, etc., with no stake in any of it. I stayed in touch a tiny bit due to business connections. I’ve one tie left. I am walking away. I hate that he has built credit, has a big savings account, will continue making lots of money off my work for our future, but it’s got to be this way. NO CONTACT. Started four days ago. Sticking with it this time NO MATTER WHAT> Thanks. Diana

  22. THE CAT says:

    Great advice about a Narcissist. I am getting very educated in order to avoid another relationship regarding a Narcissist.
    This was my first relationship with a Narcissist. I have finally come to realize that is him! Therefore, I am ready to move on to a better man.
    Thank You :))!

  23. Catherine says:

    How does a Narcissist have the nerve to tell you he is sad after you told him how you feel and should break it off?

  24. Bioparent says:

    I don’t even know where to begin… When I was five, my mother had a nervous breakdown & left me by a billboard one night on the side of an interstate highway. My father put our family back together again, but it was never the same. I pretty much raised myself and learned life the hard way though trial and error. Looking back, I’ve been a magnet for narcissists. My only best friend turned on me when she thought her love interest had a thing for me. He did, and I shut him down at every turn despite the fact they weren’t even dating, but my loyalty to our friendship wasn’t enough. She hated me for it, cut me off like our friendship had never mattered to her. I married a man who never loved me. I wanted to believe he did, but he admits now he only “thought he did, once”. When he go into financial trouble, he jettisoned me and our kids like we never mattered, destroying my credit, trashing my reputation, even traveling 1000mi to try to turn my birth family against me. A church deacon needs a reason to divorce his wife & still save face. Now my eldest son turned on me and is trying to turn others in our family against me. They’ve let me listen to his voicemails to them so I don’t go back and try to make things good between us. They’re concerned for my safety. There is no safe way to have him in my life. He’s smart, carries a gun, and is cold-blooded. Some days, I just want to get a dog and a little cabin in the woods. I’m so over people. I know it’s not just them; I choose them, so something’s wrong w/ me, too. I believe in them too much, excuse their behavior, expect they’ll be loyal if I am, and I know it’s because I want someone, anyone, to love me in this world. When I had kids (4), all I wanted to do was be a fair, loyal, decent mother to them. I wanted them to feel secure like I never was. I let them develop into the adults they wanted to become. While I strove to be fair and authentic, I didn’t force my faith, political leanings, or anything on them. I gave them the best of life that I could, sacrificing my time, health, and money for them. Even after my ex walked out, I lost 45lbs feeding them the little food we had and going w/o myself so they wouldn’t be hungry. Three of my kids are good to me, and I try to focus on that, but the sad truth is, something inside me doesn’t trust even them anymore. I find myself waiting for them to betray me, too, & at the same time, I know it’s not fair to them. Their brother made a series of impulsive, grandiose choices over a period of a few years in young adulthood, turned down a golden job opportunity w/ the Dept. of Defense to find out what “mediocrity” was like, got unceremoniously dumped by two gorgeous, decent women, and had a break w/ reality. First he told me he didn’t love me anymore; I told him I’d love him enough for both of us until he felt again. I thought he just had a flat affect from reality slamming him. Then he told me I was an “emotional spider”. I had no idea what he meant. Just by chance, my daughter was reading Peck’s The Road Less Traveled, and when I thought, “Gee that’s an interesting looking book” and looked it up on Amazon, I saw Peck’s People of the Lie, bought it, and happened on the “emotional spider” chapter. I’m not at all like that. My kids have always been free to be themselves w/o consequence. I’ve loved them and been proud of them and supportive any way I could. As they became adults, I flat out told them our relationship was different now. I would always be there for them if they wanted me in their lives, but I respected their adulthood. They’ve always had a key to my place, but not v.v. I want it that way. When they’ve come to me w/ personal issues, I’ve carefully asked, “Are you venting, or looking for advice?” They are all who they want to be, and I love them for it, or despite it. I’m just not anything like the clingy spider in Peck’s book who wanted to hold a child hostage and make her into a mini-me. I do have an adult son still at home. Most people don’t understand the circumstances. He “came out” to me a couple years ago, and he lives here by his own choice, comes and goes as he pleases, and is just recently full-time employed and making plans to move out. He’s been a late starter, but he’s actually doing great now. I applaud him. He made these choices. He’s been free to all along. He knows I’ll be fine w/ or w/o him. I work fulltime, I shovel my own snow, etc. I don’t “need” any help, and he knows it & is comfortable here and leaving happily. I’m no emotional spider and confident of that, so I confronted my eldest son, asking why he thought I was a spider. His “explanation” was a pack of lies and rewritten history. I was able to establish with irrefutable facts that his memory (?) was faulty, so he changed his delivery and claimed it was his “perception of reality” and none of my business to question. I told him I thought maybe he should talk with someone else about his problems, not me, someone maybe he viewed as more objective, like a counselor, priest, pastor… He told me in hushed tones, “I would, but I’d have a hard time finding someone I can’t manipulate”. Days later, he cut me off like I’d never been a mother to him. His younger brother’s wife told my daughter he was now accusing me of having been abusive, but when fleshed out, admitted he believes spanking was abusive. I understand not everyone is an advocate of spanking now; the jury’s still out on that one, but if spanking is abusive, then 4000 yrs of recorded history are replete with abusive parents, just about all of us spanked our kids. I never left a mark on him, never humiliated him, had many other alternatives I exhausted first (reality discipline, a time-out chair, an “If/Then” chart, etc.). He was definitely not abused. When every one of his siblings told him to “grow a pair”, he went for the jugular, accusing me of “emotionally raping” him. I was humiliated and sick to my stomach by the mere thought of it. At least in my opinion, it carries a sexual connotation that horrifies me every time I hear it. It’s a baseless accusation with no truth at all behind it. I know he was trying to hurt me badly, and I’m sad to say he succeeded. As much as I will always love him, I don’t want him in my life anymore. I came to the conclusion I can’t have any dialogue w/ him. Even if, one day, he has an epiphany of authenticity, I will never trust him not to do the same, or worse. We’re done as mother and son. I do love him, I guess I always will. I remember the little boy, the aspects of him as an adult that I will always cherish, but I’m tired of being hurt and too old to rise from the ashes again. For my own sanity, I’ve reached the point I want no contact with people like him anymore. I’ve blocked him on all media, and he’s written out of my will. I don’t ask about him… I’m done. Just done. It breaks my heart. I’ve lost my son that I love so much. I just don’t know what else I could do; I can’t trust him. Since cutting him off, my other adult children have opened up about years they were abused by him. He’s walked in on one having sex with his wife, despite loudly and repeatedly being told, “No!” He used to pin one son down and force him to kiss him. He wrapped his legs around that same son and held him underwater in a pool until he vomited water and drowned, only to be revived later. He’s hit girlfriends, manipulated them to the point they cut him off permanently. He’s consumed with Dexter, dresses like him, calls his father and me his “bioparents” and refers to us on a first-name basis (not “mom” or “dad”), stalks people in NYC and DC just to “practice”, keeps trying to find out what “happened” in his childhood to make him into the monster he’s become… Nothing “happened”. He had a normal, decent childhood; the divorce didn’t even happen until he was 20. How did I fail to see all this? I just don’t trust myself with people anymore. Narcissism is one of the worst disorders imaginable. It destroys everyone but the narcissist. Narcissists live off others & spit out the bones when they’re finished. When I read that parents cause it, I want to cry and shout, “No! Don’t add to our pain!” This son is the adult extension of the child he always was. Despite fair parenting, no overindulgence but proper interest in him and a sincere effort on my part to foster his own chosen interests, he is just plain different from the others; by degrees, he always was. He’s like his dad, and his dad’s mom. He’s mentally ill, and he’s poisoned and sickened everyone around him. One of my other son’s daughters is developing the same tendencies; it scares the hell out of them, and we’re trying to believe this isn’t genetic, but it’s harder w/ each passing generation. Please, for God’s sake, stop blaming parents and nurture. There are just evil people in this world, people w/o a conscience. They’re not “wounded”; they wound.

    • Katherine says:

      What if my own daughter, just 18 years old, is a Narcissist?
      I’m a single mum, and she has 2 younger sisters at home too.
      What do I do and I know I need to protect her sisters too.
      Their father is a narcissist. I left him , together with the girls, after 15 years .
      Divorce still filing as lawyers cant find him and serve.

      I’m so worried about my n daughter, at the same time, scared of how she will be when she’s a full adult, and later on in my old age…. I also feel like I can’t trust her.
      But then again, considering it is still early years for her… I don’t really know how to cure her.

  25. Jane says:

    I have one stalking me now. He left almost a year ago – back to his own country (USA) – saying we are not breaking up – threw me and all female friends out of his facebook half a year later, due to another woman – now he is stalking my email, claiming he wants two rings back that he gave me – I go with No Contact – he has tried, but he will fail. *I will keep the rings, and sell them. Atlantic ocean is between us, but I still “fear” he will pop up on my doorstep one day.

  26. Catherine says:

    I also is in the no contact stage, my ex narc hurt me very badly. We were together for 15 years, he had 1 affair but I couldn’t prove it. But was always on guard. Then last October I seen the signs again this time he wasn’t hiding it doing it in public. He was playing me against her. He denied it. So Jan 29 2015 exactly 2 months today, I had enough I asked him to go home and think about us our 15 years together. Next day he came back and packed his bags. And left without saying a word. The hurt I felt today 2 months later i’m still crying. He came back 3 weeks later just walked into my house like he owned the place didn’t even knock at the door. That is when he told me that the day he packed his bags he moved in with her. The no contact is great for someones ex coming back around but mine didn’t. Till this past wed the 25th of March, he showed up here like before tried to walk right in my house again didn’t even knock at the door but it was locked. I changed the lock when he left in Jan. I told him that when he came back 3 weeks later I guess he didn’t listen to me. So what does he do goes to his truck and gets a spare key that he didn’t give me back with the rest of the stuff. He tried to get in he was going crazy but the key did not open it anymore he nearly broke my door handle. So what does he do he leave me some lottery tickets in the doors window that was his thing he used to but me them everyweek then he left. He is living with his new supply or other woman so why is he back at my door with gifts. When he was with me he was buying her stuff now he’s with heer and got me something. Well by not opening that door the no contact rule helped I was scared he hurt me very badly I couldn’t face him knowing that he’s over there with her. I have no life anymore the no contact has made me feel a prisoner in my own body cannot go out he’s around.

  27. Ketchup says:

    I was in no contact for a v long time wid him. I was praying like hell too . In fact I was into no contact wid him for more than 2 months . After a long period of pensive silence , guess what ??? He got out an emerald engagement ring n proposed to me !!! I nearly died of happiness and was crying like a water dam .

  28. Katie Johnson says:

    My story will be short because I could write pages but we all know the signs. I was married 21 years when I discovered p**n sites, dating sites, etc. Six year later and twice told him I would divorce him for repeated behavior, I’m out. I left feeling what was wrong with me? I moved 14 times of marriage for him, raised two great daughters, did everything to make his life great…Seriously, today after praying and wondering, I discovered he was a narcissist. OMGOSH! I feel a tremendous amount of freedom. After 27 years of marriage, I see the pain, emotional torture, and lack of emotional connection for what it was. Almost everything I have read today lifted my heart. I cannot nor would I have ever been able to be in a successful relationship with this man. He emotionally abandoned my daughters and myself over 12 years ago and each year got worse. He used us for his needs, to show he had a good family, and to support his narcissistic ways. I needed to know this to be free. I tried, I mean I really tried to do everything to make our marriage great but couldn’t do it anymore. I felt completely drained, lacking of self confidence, and ready to lose my mind…but today has helped me to realize it is over because it will never be. Really 27 years of marriage but I am not going to be tortured believing I was not enough. I am FREE! For those of you that want to hang on, get out. The N will never care. Aren’t you worth more. if not for your children. My daughters need a role model and I gave them that. I know I will still have hard days but the will be on my terms not under his control. Thank you to all who have posted and keep reading all resources to get your answers.

  29. Chandani Diaz says:

    The narcissist in our life is our teenage daughter who walked out because she didn’t like our 2 rules: 1) no skipping school (last year in High School) and 2) no sneaking out at 2, 3, 4 a.m. to go see the boyfriend. That was February 2nd. However – she is now telling everyone in town (and it’s a small town) that we KICKED her out (she left of her own volition) and/or “threw her out on the streets”. What hurts most is when neighbours tell us how MEAN we were to “this poor girl”. Moreover, she has turned it into a “race card” issue because the bf is Black. We don’t care what colour he is but she is comparing her “sad story” to a couple (White girl, Black boy) – the girl’s parents threw her out and now they’re “65 years happily married”. Her bf never wanted to marry her – he just wanted sex. She almost didn’t get her High School diploma because of skipping so many days to go visit him (older, and out of school) during school days. We’re so tired of being accused of being MEAN when in fact we never threw her out.

  30. Oliver says:

    Thank you to all of you. I admire all of you for what you share, what you are doing and how you help others.
    I am currently going through NC…and am about 5 days in….and I know that given my experience and tenure with my Narc….it will be tough. I will not cave. Its already tough…but I simply keep a reminder of a very VERY recent hurtful comment that was thrown in my face handy…and that serves to motivate me. When I miss the person I thought I loved…or think about breaking NC….I remind myself it was all an illusion. Someone that never existed….a mirage built to reel me in.
    These next three days, my Narc is doing things and taking action that she knows will hurt me deeply…..and made sure I was FULLY aware of these actions. These will be my toughest 3 NC days….and I know it. NC will triumph….I planned and have the right support to get through this week. And when …not if…..when I get through these next three days….I will be so much better off, I am looking at her actions as a favor that will propel me further into NC resolve. Just reading your posts….some of them not for the first time….motivates me. My Narc will likely not even notice NC…nor care. That just comes with the territory. My focus will shift from NC…to me. I control me…no one else. I determine how I am feeling…no one else. And I deserve so so much more than the treatment I have been taking for so long. All of you deserve the very best as well. Stay strong. Lean on people. Don’t give in…don’t look back.

  31. Bradley says:

    Hello again….I just read a post I submitted October 13th…..when I was struggling with Day 5 of NC. It was surreal…..I didn’t even realize it was my post until I recognized the language. Well I am happy to share that I am now on Day 30-something…and I say that for a reason. I think it might even be 40 days now…. I have stopped marking the days on the calendar.
    I can tell you all I truly have some form of peace….good days and bad to be sure. Good moments and bad moments…..but I no longer ” put my life on hold” to hear from the N. Maybe she will text….maybe we get to talk. I also realize how desperate, weak and needy I appeared the last 4 or 5 months….MONTHS !!!!!….after she pulled a classic D&D on me. Who WAS that ?? Not who I used to be…..not who I am meant to be.
    I am becoming me again….moving on. I also realize how much I have to turn and face the reasons I allowed myself to be treated this way. Its part of my healing.
    so I’ll summarize by saying….”NC works….stick with it”. Its tough….very. And understanding that ” its over forever”…..is hard to deal with. But it just has to be.
    Stay strong and thanks to everyone for your support and stories.

  32. A C says:

    What can I legally do? I’ve been married to my N for 17 yrs. We share three children under the age of 18, and three (from previous marriages) who are adults. Because I’m a disabled veteran. We met in the Army during a deployment. IT WAS FATE… He was the “night in shining armour” He was God sent. Yeah.

    I suffer from PTSD. I’M A SURVIVOR of extreme childhood abuse, both physically and sexually. Now, I’m just surviving. I want out. On Christmas eve a couple days ago, I took my last blow. I’ll never forget that look of pure satisfaction on his face as he stood over me. His hands around my neck. But I felt nothing. No panic, no pain, not even “fight or flight”. We were out of state, on Christmas vacation. At his N mom’s. I’ll spare the details, but she hurt one of night son’s feelings horribly. I wanted to leave immediately. She became indignant, fueling my N husband against me. Next thing you know, I’m on my back.

    I order my kids to grab whatever they can, get into the car, we’re leaving.
    He nearly ripped mutt fingers off snatching the keys out of my hands. He wouldn’t let me have my phone to call police. Wouldn’t let me near the car, unless I got in, and he drove. Kids crying, kids screaming at him, and 380 miles from home. Don’t judge…. I got into the passenger seat.

    I’m home tonite. He’s laid it on thick. He hates himself. Doesn’t know why…. He loves me. He wants us fixed. Blah!!!! X 100000000. He’s mastered his manipulation. I WANT OUT

    Only after reading fervently these past few days have I discovered what I need to do. Just go. Get out. No money, no belongings (44yrs) of life. Just go, no contact. I haven’t slept in three years. Only after he’s gone to work, kids at school, and when I’m not at VA appointments. But I never feel rest. What I don’t have is peace. I don’t think I’d recognize it if I ever see it. So why am I still in my home, where he’s watching his tv programs, satisfied that he’s gotten away with another one?
    I’m not leaving without my three youngest. He’s already done damages to our 13 y.o. son. He’s my N’s favorite weapon (hostage).

    The only finances I have is my monthly $534.00 disability check. That’s ok, peace for me is worth more than money. Everything else is in his controlling name. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? I fight the guilty voices daily who remind me that I’ve allowed it. Calling the police? He lets them know about my history of depression, my on going therapy for childhood trauma, and that I suffer from borderline personality disorder. “This is just a mood swing.” That’s he’s dealt with this for 23 yrs.

    Can I leave with my children? Can I leave and have no contact with my children? I want to leave the state. I do not have any answers to the many uncertainties, like money, the car that’s not mine, the bank account, etc. I only know I want my freedom. I see a therapist bi weekly. No one can tell me what to do legally. I cannot afford, nor pay for a lawyer. He’s so viscous, he’s kicked my dog with all his might, and told me if I go, she would not be here when I get back. Call the cops? Yes. That time they suggested I leave for the night to let things “cool down”. I took my dog, and called a girl used to date my brother. No, I do not have a super system. No family. That brother lives in another state. No contact.

    If I don’t get out, he’s going to injure me permanently. He’s broke my back, fingers, etc. He’s a dangerous N. He will not let me leave. It’ll have to be when he is at work. I just want to know if I can go with my kids…..

    • Living says:

      Been there abandon us..my six year old. No car no money took house marriage home in His name now stalking..has a different story..smear campaign against me …left us at a relatives house. Filed vpo living on the Grace of others.

  33. Katherine says:

    What if my own daughter, just 18 years old, is a Narcissist?
    I’m a single mum, and she has 2 younger sisters at home too.
    What do I do and I know I need to protect her sisters too.

  34. Denise Raymond says:

    I do probably 95% of the NO CONTACT recommendation. My situation is slightly complicated because we are first cousins in a close knit family. We lived apart for many years – which is how I didn’t see the narc traits, but when she moved to my city and two years went by, that is when I began to slowly realize she was toxic. And when I finally woke up the toxicity came fast and furious. That was seven years ago. We both have children who I would love to have a relationship but that became impossible. So I went mostly NO CONTACT about three years ago. Because of the kids and the larger family, if she contacts me to get together when, for example, her mom is coming to town or she’s getting her nephew for a few days then I comply because I want that for my sons. My mother (her aunt) lives in our city part-time and invites everyone over for xmas eve, and of course I participate then as well. My narcissist cousin does things for us, I saw thank you and then I am done. She wanted to attend my older child’s musical concert and so I gave her the information and she came. I haven’t made an effort to attend any of her child’s events in years because I just want no part of it. So, I do agree with the notion of NO CONTACT but mine is modified in consideration of other people in my life, but there is no mistaking that I don’t put myself out there anymore to be hurt and she means nothing to me on a daily basis.

  35. Shafeek says:

    I have been with her4years.Then I left school in febrary 29 it is second last date of febrary.then again I met her in school at may she saw me and smile at me I smile at her.After15minutes I was finding her wen she is in her class she saw me Then she started to ignore me and again iam in no contact.I took mobile and put a coment on youtube and said averything that what I did when I met her in 19th May to breakup expert and he said she is giving u hot and cold give her45day of no contact45day sounds good he said.Again I will meet her at after four month.Will she come back to me.and I like to tell her i want to marry u when I should tell her

  36. her says:

    its never fair to let him hers he be the sad one we are in better times now and a narccisest huh funny i guess we were s**t i love myself more than i could love or be infatuated with any other except him. will see yo yesterday. xo

  37. sally says:

    give them the pet!!??? heck no!! lol

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