The Narcissistic Ex

Were you married to a narcissist or recently broke up with one? If that is the case, then you have experienced how utterly painful divorce can be. You have to deal with the loss of the relationship or sense of family, and worry about the children and money. Yet to make matters worse, you are made to feel as if all those good years counted for absolutely nothing as your narcissistic ex will say or do anything that reaps him benefits at your expense. There is no loyalty or appreciation for all the good years and effort that you put in to the relationship. Now that you have split, whatever is in his or her best interest is all that counts. It’s depressing but it can also be frightening.

The Pattern

Why would anyone fall in love with a narcissist, the master manipulator? To begin with, narcissists are very charming and often present themselves so as to be attractive and charismatic. They are what the person wants them to be. They are often the center of attention and tend to be successful in whatever field they have chosen. When a relationship first starts with a narcissist, they shower their new partner with affection, admiration, and compliments. A narcissist appears to have really loved you- because falling in love feels so good to them. They thrive on being enchanted by a partner who sees them as the fantasy they imagine themselves to be. They adore you for adoring them and love being loved. Most people find that falling in love is just the first step toward a more intricate and intimate relationship. However, when the bloom of romance fades for the narcissist that is when things can get doubtful and risky.

As the high of being in love wears off, the narcissist begins to realize that being in a serious relationship will involve times that are not all bliss and that they cannot hide their own flaws forever. Furthermore, they cannot tolerate your flaws either as they feel it is a reflection on them. A narcissist will be super sensitive to criticism but will regularly dish it out without any remorse.

At some point either you or your ex had enough of the conflict and abuse and chose to break up. The stress of the split most often makes the narcissist even more difficult to deal with, and you will have to cope with the realization that you were never truly loved in the first place. It’s not easy.

Breaking Up

As you break up with a narcissist, be prepared for a battle unlike what you’ve experienced before. While you are an emotional wreck, he maintains composure and is as cold as ice. You are left to deal with the real-life responsibilities while he walks away from everything; you will be left to clean up the mess he has made and pay his bills. It is common for them to leave you to clean up the house while they clean out your bank account. He will find ways to punish you in ways you couldn’t possibly have ever imagined (even if he is the one who left, he will still blame you for the failed marriage).

The narcissistic ex will continue to act in abusive and manipulative ways. He may even engage in destructive acts. Once the breakup becomes a reality and nonnegotiable, his ‘false persona’ will probably disappear altogether and you will experience vengeful and hurtful behavior. He is completely lacking in empathy and remorse, and since he is no longer receiving narcissistic ‘supply’ from you – he will dismiss you and discard you (and the time you put into the relationship) as worthless to him.

The ex will consistently manipulate the children, often with gifts, to enlist their sympathy to his side. Yet he also will dump them at their mother’s house on his custodial days if he happens to have a date that night.

Coping

A narcissistic ex often finds reasons to remain in the life of the former partner and continues to present problems after the relationship ends. If you are in the process of ending a marriage with a narcissist, it is important to take full advantage of the legal system to help end the relationship in a safe manner. A therapist or support group can help people who have children with a narcissistic ex learn coping skills for interacting with the narcissist calmly and how to maintain personal boundaries. Narcissists are only concerned about themselves and can be unreasonable, selfish, emotionally volatile, and manipulative. It is important to avoid engaging emotionally with the narcissistic ex as that is a form of supply, and consistently reinforce strong personal boundaries.

Narcissists commonly launch personal attacks against their victims. When dealing with a narcissistic ex, refuse to respond to personal attacks and that may help de-escalate the situation. Responding back with equally strong emotion of one’s own can have the undesirable effect of making the narcissist feel validated and will encourage his behavior. Respond to the narcissist’s explosive emotions with calm detachment, perhaps using a statement such as “You’re obviously very angry.” Even if maintaining an air of calm in the face of narcissistic abuse doesn’t stop the behavior, many experts believe that it can stop the behavior from escalating.

Many narcissists also respond well to a flattering statement. Rather than emotionally engaging with the narcissist, try using flattery to suggest a change in behavior. Statements with flattery such as, “You’re so generous, I know you don’t mind sharing the cost of Billy’s school clothes,” can make the narcissist feel validated and secure, thereby minimizing emotional volatility and improving the chances of cooperation.
Most people with narcissism fail to respect the needs of others. A narcissistic ex may easily disregard personal boundaries since he will generally believe his own needs, desires, and feelings are far more important than others’. Dealing with a narcissist often means stating and re-stating your boundaries repeatedly, and consistently sticking with them. If you give in just once, the narcissist will continue to invade the boundaries you have set. It is not uncommon to have to reiterate your personal boundaries to a narcissistic ex at each new meeting. Most experts advise identifying the consequences that will occur if the narcissist crosses a personal boundary, and sticking to these consequences.

Narcissistic ex’s can be vindictive; they will tell lies to friends and family members in order to ruin the reputation of their ex-partner, attempt to blackmail their former spouses by threatening to spread vicious lies about them, steal money from them and even try to turn the children against their mothers. They can go into an explosive rage, sometimes becoming physically violent, when challenged. They will always lay the blame for the failed relationship on the ex-partner. Prepare yourself for battle.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-narcissistic-ex-part-i
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-narcissistic-ex-part-ii
http://www.wisegeek.com/how-do-i-deal-with-a-narcissistic-ex.htm#didyouknowout

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About Alexander Burgemeester

12 Responses to “The Narcissistic Ex”

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  1. Paul Ragusa says:

    I am the ex who is suffering at the expense of the narcisstic ex – and I am the man? I find it disappointing to find that, in my attempts to find some support and guidance on line, I find that most writers assume the narcissist is the man – as implied in your article. And you are a man. Why is it that writers/experts write as if the narcissistic ex is usually the man? My narcissistic ex-wife is making my life, and the lives of our three children, a destabilizing, living hell! I spent $70K trying to end this marriage (because she dragged out every aspect of the process) and now I am broke, and still miserable. Can you point me in the direction of any male-friendly support? I am not naive about mental health issues. I hold a master’s degree in counseling psychology and worked in the field for 10 years. I need help.

    • Michele Smith says:

      Paul,

      This is a very gender neutral site: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/
      It also has a lot of resources for free along with the option to buy e-books/ courses. I haven’t bought any as yet as I have been left in debt due to a Narc ex, but I found the free articles and survival stories to be really helpful.
      Best of luck

    • Kurt W says:

      Paul,
      I also have a full blown narcissistic ex wife , and truely feel your pain. I depleted 100k retirement acct for attorney’s fees, lost a 700k home to her, and live in a rented 1000 sq ft townhouse. Fortunately, I sercured 50-50 custody of my now 10 yr old so. Divorced now for 3 yrs, and although she tries to inject her BS into my life, I am much better equiped to handle her ridiculous and irrational behaviors. All I can offer is that you’re not alone, and to stay the course as best you can. Envision your life 6 months to a yr into the future. You’ll get there faster than you think. And hopefully, like me, you’ll find a incredible new partner in life who can understand and empathize with what you are and have been going through. Keep your head
      Up, it will get better for you, unlike the narcissitic behavior of your ex, which will continue to get worse and infect any relationship she has with anyone else in the future, and hopefully will redirect her anger and behaviors away from you.

      • Foxy says:

        Hi. Thanks for the encouragement. My partner and I struggle repeatedly with his ex-wife of 7 years. They have 2 children from their marriage. A 19 yo daughter who has been poisoned by her mother and who has cut off her father and their 17 yo autistic son whom she cannot manipulate. We face weekly battles trying to communicated about Thomas’ welfare and development, trying to work with her to manage his behaviour etc. she will not work with my partner unless I am around because she “respects me”. I have worked hard to develop coping mechanisms for the 2 of us so we manage her personality but its exhausting. We are now in counselling to learn new tools to help us.

    • Amber says:

      I am glad that I have been reading and researching more about NPD. Even though my therapist has told me not to look into what my ex has, I am truly convinced that he is a Narc. I had known about his abusive tendencies even before I had got with him but I felt I could fix him with whatever it was he had. I also felt that I had to somewhat watch over him after his sister, who was one of my best friends, had passed away. The narc and I had substance abuse issues, he was very violent at times, verbally abusive from the very beginning and in the 8 years together we had 2 children who we lost custody of due to our substance abuse. I have been away from him for 3 years now. He lies about the past, makes up stories, has court ordered no contact with the kids,…I could go on but we all know what it is he does. The one thing I am finding hard is getting over the hurt. I have an amazing fiance and I am afraid if I dont face this fully I will lose him. I am going to continue searching this sight and reading. I will make it thru this. I will.

  2. Joe says:

    I too. Have a narcissistic ex wife. She is a very angry person, i tried to calm her down on many occassions and tried to find reasons for her angry moods. Inwhich she turns away from any self diagnoses and has been telling all that will listen that it is me that is the angry one. Yes at times through the frustration of lisyening to her lies, i become loud and more straight forward. Her scence of relaity did not match what was being said and done. Even when i recorded her what has happened she dismisses it as o well. She shrugs it off and she starts again.
    She was hording money and threaten me if i took her to mediation she will take my superannuation.
    Cunning woman. 2 weeks after we split she was on the dating scence and brags that she has 3 blokes on the go. Then the next day denighes it and the day after that is back on the bragging about how many dates she has on the go. She palms off the kids when ever she gets a date. To me she is the town bike and its our kids who are suffering as she ignores them in her pursuit of self so could enlightenment. Her spiritual freinds all encourage her to be a bitch as they are responding to the lies she feeds them.
    Now im hearing more and more stories very simular to mine. Seriously Its like we all married the same woman. Same sayings. Same characterisrics. Basically same everything. What is happening to our women.

    • jane says:

      Hi. My husband’s relatives believes his ex’s lies about him. That he is worth nothing and he never did anything for their kids. And he is the worst father. in the beginning I couldn’t really comprehend and it stresses me so much. They hate him actually. Its only when I learned about this NPD that made me understand why, because NPD’s are the best liars and nobody can believe what they telling is a lie. She made their kids hate him and disrespect him. They deny everything he did for them and keep of blaming him for “leaving them on the streets” . While the truth is they had been wasting his money, their trust funds, their jewelries, and some inheritance from his parents. They made him to feel very very guilty, etc. He was damaged a lot.

  3. Sharon says:

    I have 2 very vindictive narcissistic ex’s – one husband, one a partner. Both joined forces and tried to plead me insane. Ruined relationships with friends for fear of their own exposures. One son is turning narcissistic as I can see it and I believe helped with some of the damage. He’s only a teenager – at the hands of these evil toxic people. I’m not sure he is aware of the outcome this will lead him to in his own life. Something I seem to no longer have any input into due to his father taking over control. He doesn’t live with me.
    Amazes me how people will listen and join in the bullying when they don’t even know the whole truth. They’ve had my friends turn on me and all ask me the same questions and all act the same. Even neighbours have been involved and the community as to where I am living. They’re not even aware of how obvious they are making themselves as I can see it all in front of me and choose to ignore it.
    I will never understand why someone just wont move on after a relationship has ended.
    It will never destroy me. I’m trying very hard to work on myself and learn more about emotional intelligence which these clearly are lacking in. Self preservation and knowledge is a big thing to conquer these rats. There are always good people out there that will be of support in some way and to not take a scrap of notice from these lowly people.

  4. Valerie says:

    To all, I have an ex husband that 12 years after our divorce to date, continues to discuss with our children every conversation negativity and hate toward me. I was married 10 years, we had 4 daughters 2 years apart. 9 years he slept on the couch. I was never allowed to spend money, or make any decisions. We only had a shower and all those children. I changed EVERY diaper, every bath, every meal. We had money, but it was spent on himself. Instead of a bathtub that was desperately needed, he bought himself an $8500 snowmobile. He would make my friends feel uncomfortable and one time went over to my friends and tried to ” you know”. Name calling, major fits, someone was always doing him wrong. Only involved with the girls, if he was having to look good in front of someone else. I was hit and cheated on. My girls were 4-6-8-10 when I filed for divorce. We had many things because of myself and family. The only way he would settle, is if he got every material thing, or he would put the girls who he never raised through psych evaluations and the whole ball of wax. I gave him both properties, one was a duplex almost paid off, the other a house with 45 acres we put $60,000 cash down on because of me. He kept his retirement. I got primary placement of all four girls, 230.00 child support, and 23,000.00. In court when the divorce was final he winked at me, and said have fun renting. I told him I was going to close on my house, the bailiff had to hold him back. During this time, he took all of my friends with his cunning poor me nature, even the ones that felt uncomfortable around him, tried to destroy my name with lies. Meanwhile I got a great job, kept fixing up my home and raising my babies. Every other weekend he had the girls and he was vicious with them especially when they would cry for me. He would always say val to the girls, NEVER address me as their mother. Exactly two years later he took me back to court for custody. I fought hard, even said I did not want the 230 a month, he smiled and kept going it was a game for him. We ended up going through psych evals and guardian ad litem. He tested out a doormat that was a pushover, I tested out controlling. I didn’t have a name for what I was going through but I was in a complete state of panic knowing he wouldn’t take care of the girls. He ended up getting 50% placement. He never had food in the house, never made meals, never took girls to dr or er when they had ear infections ect. I could go on and on. What I really want to share is something I wish I would of known. If I can help someone that would make me happy. Fast forward 12 years later…my girls have been effected by this evil greatly, all in differing ways. My oldest over eats and has severe depression. My second oldest, is in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, my third fights feelings of worthlessness and fights to be happy my fourth, my baby is just like her father, mood swing wise and emotionally vicious. I have had to forgive myself for making the choices to choose this man as their father. I was raised by a narcissist mother, but all the information came to late. It was normal to have scraps of affection. It was normal for me to go without. I made sure all the girls were in sports, sewing, piano, did chores, we had pets, went places. Would get up at 2 am to pick them up from their dads when they were sick because he would be screaming he had to f-ing work. Take them food and clean clothes after he got 50 custody, which I told them he wouldn’t take care of them, to which I was told I never allowed him to. I married a great man two years after my divorce, we have been married 10 years plus now. This man has been a blessing to my children and they tell everyone he is their dad also. Guess what, none of this helped my adult children. If you are truly dealing with this evil, you have to actively make your children aware what is going on, and how to combat it. You need a therapist that is aware of the narcissist, the wolf in sheeps clothing. You need to try to stabilize your child’s emotional health. You should also seek the same therapy. You are dealing with something that you can not go around. Your child will not tell you the threats, the pain and torment they live when alone with that parent. My children the last couple years are now telling me, I had no idea the lengths he went to destroy my children. I thought it was mostly me he wanted to hurt. A narcissist does not truly love even their own child. They are capable of doing things to your child, you would say, but there’s no way they would do that. Yes, they will, and do. You want to think, your child is part of them, they would never hurt them so badly? The N only cares about one thing. Themselves and their image. One year their father told them there was no Christmas he didn’t have any money. Only to find out later several of his friends got 100 gift certificates for a bar he likes to go to with all of them. Therapy is the only way, plus you have that documentation if they should try to cheat on their psyc evals and with the guardian ad litem. Guardians are not equipped for this and are almost always fooled by the N. It’s going to continue to be a long journey for my girls. I never talked about him negatively, always provided for them, loved them, had them in sports, girlscouts, band piano. We’d go to the library, movies out to eat. In the end, the damage he caused became part of who they turned into. Knowledge is power. You can be happy. Do not listen to your children when they tell you everything is fine after spending time with the N. Assume the worst and be proactive with therapy. The N doesn’t like people knowing their secret. I am learning all this to late. Do not think you can ever co parent with the N. Keep it business, do not invite N into your space thinking this is what mature adults should be able to do. You can not do that, they use it as an opportunity to get inside your life. A narcissist is NOT capable of love for anyone but themselves. Therapy, therapy, therapy, sports, clubs, family time..take a proactive hold on all your lives. Teach your child empathy, volunteer, work with the disabled. This will help keep them from the victim mentality. It’s not a normal divorce when you are dealing with an N. I did all these things, but I didn’t believe in therapy because I thought I was shielding my girls from the brunt of his anger, I couldn’t of been more wrong. If the girls would of been in therapy I would of had unbiased documentation to support what those in making the decisions for my families life, said were fabrications and a need to control on my part. Your god damn right I wanted control, because he was as close to a devil I have ever known. He was and always will be a narcissist.

    • LB says:

      I think articles like this are informative yet misleading, from what I understand a person doesn’t just have one diagnosis, but usually a dual diagnosis, and the more I research, interview professionals in this field, I am beginning to think a person with these patterns of behaviors, along with others, can have more than 2 disorders, it is not a cookie cutter answer to just throw a label on a person, and think that this may be the answer to way they behave and think the way they do, and by reading these articles and books that there’s a way to respond to these creatures. It is unfortunate that most people have many misconceptions about human behaviors, and in general we choose to see the good generally in everyone, we fail to realize that there are many that think very differently than the general population, and VERY sadly once you realize just how destructive this person can be to your life, you are far into their web, and it may cost you nearly everything to gain your freedom to a healthier life, and all to often the damage as the last reader commented, the damage is already done, the destructive actions, as all actions have a ripple effect. I agree the hardest part as you stand in pile of devastation of your life, and begin to pick up the pieces, is forgiving yourself.

    • Tristan scheig says:

      Wow. Your story sounds so familiar. I’ve been divorced 2 years and my ex wife has this same behavior.

  5. Dirk says:

    I have a Narc ex-wife. She has made my life a living hell for the last 10yrs, My son wants nothing to do with me now and he is having problems socially because of it. The more I fought her, the worse it got. This woman stuck around until the money ran out and I was depleted. Then she took me to court and got what was left. Essentially I gave her everything. She destroyed all of my past relationships. I am her focus. Anything to bugger me up. And when it is quiet…..You know a big bomb is coming. She has tried to extort money from me, she takes me to court and has me waste my money….I’m tired of what I see and it seems hopeless to get my son back in my life. Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t! I’d rather have my legs broken than deal with the damage from a Narc. Any support groups on here

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