The Narcissist In Love

Narcissists yearn for perfect, romantic love and absolute adoration. People often think that narcissistic individuals love only themselves, like Narcissus in the Greek myth who fell in love with his own reflection, but the polar opposite is true. The narcissist usually struggles with fragile self-esteem and intense feelings of shame. The grandiose thinking they exhibit as well as the clamoring for attention and admiration are defense mechanisms that help keep all those painful feelings hidden from others and from themselves. It’s as if they say to themselves, “How can I have anything to feel ashamed about when I’m so admired and loved?” They need to bolster themselves and boost their egos and narcissists do so through other’s admiration and envy; some narcissists take this a step further and accomplish this by having people fall in love with them.

Since the narcissist thrives on people desiring him (or her), he learns to excel at arousing such feelings in others. He (or she) can make their intended target feel important and highly valued, lavishing constant affection in order to make them feel special. He may do thoughtful little gestures, bring gifts, pay compliments and devote himself to the other’s pleasure in bed. The narcissist strokes their ego and pampers them, sowing the seeds of love. Narcissists can be exceedingly nice, quite charming, flirtatious and seductive, and will flatter someone shamelessly if they want something from them. This behavior is not always conscious and intentional. Sometimes narcissists deceive even themselves about their true emotional motivations, often believing they’ve genuinely fallen in love.

Being “in love”

The narcissist seeks the perfect kind of romantic love, idealized and unrealistic- like one sees in movies or reads in a book. Being “in love” (some know it as ‘infatuation’) can feel like a drug, causing a “high” sensation and temporarily blinding people to theirr own faults and imperfections, to the dissatisfactions they may feel in other areas of their lives. It makes people feel as if they are the center of the universe and that their lives are perfect.  Nothing feels better … while it lasts. It’s certainly understandable why narcissists have such a strong desire to seek this out- it fulfills most of their narcissistic needs.

What Does Love Mean to a Narcissist?

(Adapted from A Narcissist’s Love Letter)

When a narcissist tells you he is in love with you… he means he loves the story he can tell to his next lover, about his ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how like a storybook and what an outstanding couple they made.

When a narcissist says he’s in love with you… he means he loves the way he feels when he’s with you. He loves himself through you. He loves seeing himself through your eyes. He loves seeing himself through his eyes imagining how he looks through your eyes. He loves having someone new to tell his stories to, to express his opinions, and to share his profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life.

When he tells you he’s in love with you… he really loves having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. He loves the way you feel on him. He loves the way he feels about himself when you are with him.

When he says he’s in love with you… what he really loves is not being alone. He loves having a full-time, personal audience.

When a narcissist tells you he’s in love with you… he means he loves being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. He loves being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. He loves being the object of your sacrifice. He loves being your pain.

When  a narcissist says he’s in love with you… he means he is in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to him no matter how hard you try to jump or fly away. He loves keeping you his. He’s in love with being your drug and your dagger.

“Perfect” Love Doesn’t Last (and neither do narcissists)

Unlike fairytales, “perfect” romantic love can’t last forever. Hopefully, it evolves into something more realistic and lasting- where two people discover and accept one another’s virtues and faults, grow to appreciate the good qualities in each other but also to accept the disappointing traits.

True narcissists cannot tolerate such an experience. To be emotionally honest and open with their partners means they must have a more authentic relationship with themselves, too… and with the shame and poor self-esteem they so desperately want to keep at bay. When the person they profess to be in love with attempts to get close to them in this way, they feel they are getting emotional pressure put on them and they withdraw because that person is “too demanding”.

The previous feelings of perfect, romantic love begin to fade along with the idealization of their partner… and the narcissist falls “out of love.”

References:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/a-narcissists-love-letter/

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/joseph-burgo-phd/narcissist-love

 

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About Alexander Burgemeester

28 Responses to “The Narcissist In Love”

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  1. Deb says:

    Wow, Alex, you really hit the nail on the head with this. My 4 month relationship with a Narcissist came to an abrupt and emotionally excruciating halt about 12 months ago – just nearly at the time you wrote this.

    You described love exactly as the Narcissist sees it! It is really all about them and their ‘idea’ of their partner and their ‘idea’ of what love should be. The reality is, they have no idea what healthy, mature, emotionally intelligent love is. The third time we were together, my 49 year old Narcissist proclaimed he’d never felt true love until then, he finally understood what it was. I found that oddly amusing and thought he was being silly. I course could not reciprocate that sentiment. In hindsight, I realize he actually meant it at the time!

    They’re incredibly immature, undeveloped individuals with a serious personality disorder. Very toxic and emotionally harmful overall. I disengaged after 4 months and he became quite enraged about that. He was an utterly exhausting human being. I felt as if every ounce of energy and virtually all of my well being had been drained by the time I extricated. Never in my life have I ever met anyone so egocentric.

    What a wretched experience, but it taught me a lot about my own issues. In hindsight, I’m actually grateful for it all. I’m now working on my own behavioral and emotional issues that led me into a relationship with such a disordered person in the first place!

    • SallySurvivor says:

      I agree with you Deb. I was in a 2 year relationship with a Narc but was unaware of what I was in . . I always felt something was off but couldn’t put my finger on it and then slowly pieces began to fall into place. He neglected to sign out of his e-mail account on my computer and when I went to use the computer a few days later, a panicked feeling came over me to discover all of my e-mails had disappeared and when the shock passed, I realized I was in his e-mail account. During the 2 years, he had multiple relations with multiple women. (We were in a long distance relationship – which was very convenient for him.) When I called him on it he told me to “run” and never look back. Of course, now I have been forewarned so when I get sucked back in again, it is all of my own doing, since he did warn me. That’s how they think.

      Needless to say, I’ve been NC for 2 months – since it was discovered – and after the pain, the shock, the sorrow, the anger, the embarrassment, the foolishness, all that I’ve felt, I feel glad to recognize the areas that I need to work on – boundaries, deal breakers, stating my truth. Much good has come from much pain, things that I will never forget. I also try to remember that I can feel all those things, the Narc’s can’t.

      Best of luck to you.

  2. loving girl says:

    Well, I was engaged in a seemingly amazing relationship for 15 months with a man (in our forties), and the honey moon would just not end. When the time to move forward the relationship came to frutition…and we talked about living together he had an adverse reaction that was not normal (didn’t match the love, intensity, beauty of relationship).

    Needless to say, this hurt me deeply and I broke it off.

    Seven months later I call him and he is still seemeingly “not over me” and cant see or hear my voice without being thrown for a loop.

    I know he loved me as much as he could – but he is very emotionally immature and has many issues. I, on the other hand, must admit I’m pretty healthy. My biggest lesson in that realationship was…I assumed we were moving forward never needing to talk about it…because things were that good.
    Boy, was I wrong.

    I am certainly talking about “the future” in my next relationship…and what I want VERY early on.

    I am glad that I called him…bc Obviously…I got to him. So it wasn’t me….it was definetly him.

  3. Anon says:

    I am a narcissist. I always have been. I’ve recently gone through some short term relationships, and this is exactly correct. This entire article has the most accurate portrayal of my experience as a narcissist that I’ve been able to find. And it sucks. But it’s true.

    • Cortney says:

      It’s incredible that you can acknowledge that you are in fact a narcissist. How can I get my boyfriend of 4 years to see things for what they are? How can I get him to acknowledge that he is a Narcissist before the relationship I have been fighting for is over? We also have 2 children together. I’ll be honest… I am dying inside. I know that I can no longer put up with the traits associated with his condition. But I would be willing to work at it with him if he could just see it for what it is.

      • Cortney says:

        *** can I modify? When I say that we have been together for 4 years. Many times within those 4 years we spent apart. Which is typical for a Narcissist. I have even fled my hometown to a different state, only to find out that I was pregnant. He moved out here last September. It is now just over the year mark of a pretty solid relationship. The last 2 months have been emotionally draining regardless which approach I take to salvage our family. Is there hope for an infinite relationship together, or is this just unreal for a narcissist?

  4. Matt G. says:

    I just got out of a 16month relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. The damage caused by it is unreal. Unfaithfulness, lying, manipulation, mental & emotional deception, games, trickery. A vile seductress/succubus, put on the mask of “love,” only to flippantly discard me once I started calling her out & exposing her. At which point, she immediately entered into a campaign blaming, framing, & shaming me to her friends, coworkers, & family.. in order to keep up the mask of innocence & charm, painting me out to be the bad guy, and her being the “victim.” Along with that, was instantly out drinking, partying, & being promiscuous to an unfathomable degree, feeding off the fresh & “exciting” new attention she was getting from all these other new males.
    Her promiscuity, scandalousness, & treachery knows no bounds.
    The weight & damage it has inflicted is likely something I will carry for the rest of my life.

    • jamie says:

      I was in a realatonship with a narsesist for a total of 11 months and he brock my hart and now im pregnent with is kid

  5. Narc says:

    @loving girl I agree with Andy your ex was not a narcissist! if he was narcissistic you wouldn’t have had that much control nor would it had lasted that long with any dfrom you. And if he did spend 15 months with you then he would have married you because you would have had to be over loading his narcissistic supply. Most people a emotionally & mentally drained by a narcissist with in a year. 15 months together and a year after the break up you’d still be wondering was any of the love true! And that would be why a narcissist abusee would be on the page!

    • Melanie says:

      This is not entirely true. Narcissists can have very long term relationships with or without marriage. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist for 8 years (long distance). He went on dating sites, flirted, and cheated. But he stayed with me that long because I was apparently a really good source of “supply”. (Until he finally got bored and went off with a new supply who he was seeing behind my back). The point is that narcissists don’t always marry within a certain time, nor do they necessarily marry at all. Some DO marry and stay married. My overt Narc mother was married to my Dad for almost 50 years. As for loving girl’s post, there’s just not enough information there to say whether he was a narcissist or not. He could be, given that narcissists don’t always devalue old supply and sometimes still long for them. OR, he could be just a normal guy with some issues. There’s just not enough information. The classic way to find out is this: Narcissists almost always come on strong, they love-bomb you in the beginning and start talking eternal love, marriage, etc, before they even really know you. Their idealistic, over-the-top romantic love sweeps you away. But it’s not healthy or normal. Secondly, because narcissists believe in ideal, perfect love…… the moment you become “human” (in their eyes) or criticize them for anything, they see your relationship as “tainted”, and you’re on your way to being devalued. Narcissists see themselves as special, unique people who are entitled to perfection…….. the perfect mate, the perfect house, perfect car, career and so on. Nothing and no one is perfect, which brings up the final criteria which is the “discard”. Once a person or thing has become “tainted” , in the eyes of the Narc….(e.g. old, unexciting, boring, or too “high maintenance – meaning the narcissist’s partner expects them to be honest and faithful, something narcissists don’t feel they have to do like mere “normal” people………. they will discard you like an old dish towel. So, the cycle is: idealize, devalue, discard. And they might do this multiple times before the final discard……… unless you leave them first. If you leave them, they will go out of their way to Hoover and love-bomb you back into the relationship, only to discard you later. They want the relationship to end on their terms, not yours. So, if someone sees this cycle in their partner, get out as quickly as you can!

  6. Driven nuts. says:

    I am currently in a “situation” with a major narcissist. I fell for him head over heels. He has never stopped talking to other women the whole time that we have had our “relationship”. (About 11 months). He has been with other women and so I tried to break away and started dating someone else. He lost his mind and I went back to him believing his lies. He is almost 50 (looks 70)and his looks are fading fast. The women he talks to aren’t nice looking at all. I am literally the best thing to happen to him in years. I am 45 and haven’t looked better since I was in my 20’s. Everyone I know says that I am way too good for him but I can’t seem to break away. He treats me horribly. Gets mad when I mention other women and somehow blames me. He will go for a few days and not contact me. Then expects me to be at his beckoning call. I usually do. I hate it. He tells me he loves me..I want to believe him but, you don’t treat someone like he treats me if you love them. I have had to go to therapy over him. I am depressed. And the thing is, I am beautiful. I just am finding a hard time meeting someone to take my mind off of him for good. (If it will work). I bought him a nice gift for his birthday and he was suppose to take me to dinner for mine. That was 2 months ago..no dinner. He has such control over me and I can’t get over it. What is wrong with me? I am thankful for your post. It has really shown me what I am dealing with and I feel that the sooner I break away the better. Wish me luck!

    • Carolene says:

      Narcissists can control you and keep you from leaving them by creating a spell around you like a spider web. This is how they keep you coming back to them I know because I was involved with a Narc and I knew he was evil and that the way he acting was evil. And I wanted to leave him but each time I left I felt this supernatural urge to go back to him and to just see him or be touched by him and it felt evil but I could not stop this desire to be with him again and he would have won if I had not been smarter than he was. I figured out what it was and I put a stop to it but it was not easy you have to tell yourself every time you get the need to see him that it was the spell and not you, that he was controlling you, and this is true, the Narcissist knows very well what he is and that he is a devil and can put this spell on you. And he will come back for you once he run out of supply he will be back to feed on you they never really go away they are like vampires.

      • Melanie says:

        Carolene, everything you wrote was spot on. I went through this cycle for 8 years. Narcissists create an actual addiction in us, similar to any powerful drug. They do this through gaslighting, identity erosion and love-bombing. We deal with something called cognitive dissonance, which means we know the narc is evil and a liar but we still feel we “love” them. We only love the person he “pretended” to be. We were in love with an “illusion”. I didn’t realize my ex was a covert narcissist until months after the discard, where he discarded me like a piece of trash and went off with someone else within hours! And up until the moment of the discard, he was still proclaiming he “loved me”. Wow. I would suggest you read everything you can about narcissism and healing from it. In that it “is” like a spell (i.e. addiction). They never give you any real closure, and this is because they may want you in reserve as supply, in case they need a quick fix. They almost always return a few times. They leave you with feelings of confusion, panic and despair. It is NOT like any other typical breakup. Not even close!

      • Cherie says:

        Caroline

        I agree and wish I could find help getting my Narc out of my mind. 6 years I put up with lies and verbal abuse. I was in the process of getting divorced and he would tell me what to do. He would always yell at me and say I’m not moving fast enough. Well it turned out because we lived two hours away, he would come to me. I never went to his house and you know why? Yes, he was married and lied that he was single. So for 6 years I heard all the lies of how we have to do this and do this before we can work on the divorce yet I would find out he was always on vacation with his wife that he said he was “divorcing”. Lies and verbal abuse for 6 years was enough so I left and started dating someone else. Of course he found out and came running back to me. So I came back to him only to be told he will never forgive me for cheating. I said what about you and all your lies? Plus your still married? He wanted me back and was so sweet for about two weeks and then the abuse started. He just ended it and said I can’t forgive you but I don’t want you to be happy or find anyone. Yeah right. He is still married and working on his next victim because he needs his fix. I’m still heartbroken but need to move on

  7. Narc in love says:

    I’m a narc. I’ve know for sometime (saw a psych ). I met a girl about 6 months ago. I fell in love but in the way only a narc can. With the idea. But somehow she got through. Just before the end(she moved away and the relationship started waning and to preserve its ideal I reacted by cutting her off) I started acting like a narc on the other end of the relationship(boredom and all that) but she understood(she knew I was a narc) and showed me great love…always understanding. She wasn’t perfect btw but ya.

    I miss her. She knew how to deal with my narc behaviour. She loved me and I can objectively say I love her. I felt emotions with her. The lines of logic were blurred. At the moment the only emotional experiences are revisiting memories (I threw everything that was her out) and I’m limited to that.

    The first thing you’ll say is I’m not a narc… That’s cool. But for this excercise let’s assume I am.

    I’m about to visit her new town. All I think about all day is how I abused the one person who loved me. I want to make it so I feel again. I want to feel other emotions with her. Everything else is… Not important. I want to reconcile but I’m aware that it could be…bad for me to be rejected by her.

    Firstly. Is this a possible emotional connection (am I in love) or my obsession over my greatest failure? Where are the support groups or websites that talk to narcs and create hope. If a narc posts on a forum they instantly become the devil regardless the question. If this is not real then is there an explanation?

    • Fifu says:

      My ex Marc/bdp is now awaiting sentencing for arson with intent to danger life. After a year long relationship, he couldn’t get control from me so he ended up losing control, by blow torching my house with 10 police officers in the building. One rage that he just couldn’t pull back from. My advice is leave the poor girl alone, you are all very very sick ‘monsters’, who act like baby’s if they can’t get their own way. Hope they throw away the key!!!

  8. Hurt says:

    My ex and I broke up on Boxing Day 2014 and I am trying to process what happened to our relationship as well as what has happened to me. I’ve decided to write this post to get feedback and insight as to wether I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist.

    Five years ago I met the man of my dreams. He was kind, giving and took very good care of me.
    My daughter adored him and my family and friends told me repeated how lucky I was to have him in my life. He was not only kind to me but I was attracted to the fact that he did acts of kindness for others. Everyone that new him considered him to be a very good man.

    The relationship started off very quickly. Although he had a home in the same city, he moved in after about two weeks of dating. That was a bit of an adjustment for me but I loved his company.
    Within the first year of our relationship I became ill and had to have major surgery. My ex was very supportive through the entire ordeal and nursed my back to health.

    It was soon after I felt better, that I started to notice something was wrong but I thought that it must be in my head because after all he was such a good man. We went on a trip to Vegas and he insisted that he would keep our boarding passes and passports on him so that I wouldn’t loose mine. One night after we got back I went to the theatre with my girlfriends. When I returned home the house was decorated with candles. I thought this meant that we would have a romantic evening together but that was not to be. After I praised him for his effort, he went into the kitchen and proceeded to read the weekly flyers. I also noticed that he would take objects out of my hands. By that I mean I could be drying dishes and he would take the plate from my hands and finish drying it or I could be chopping vegetables and he would take my knife and finish the job. My ex had complete control over the shows we watched on TV . I used to call the remote “the man wand”. If there was something I was interested in watching that he did not want to watch I had to do it in the spare room.

    My ex started to criticize me over things such as repeating myself, not leaving the bedroom door wide open, dying my hair, wearing makeup and what I bought for him as gifts. I never knew what mood he would be in when I got home from work. His favorite phrase was “I love you but you drive me crazy”.

    I also noticed that he started to be critical towards me in front of his family. He admitted being rude to me but when I asked for an apology, he walked out on me. As he was leaving he told me that even my daughter does not love me. He felt he needed to leave and think about wether or not he wanted to stay in the relationship.This was devastating and I felt that there was something wrong with me. How could I have turned someone so caring into a hurtful angry man that no longer wanted me. I must have driven him to this. So a day later I begged him to come back. He did and the relationship continued.

    Not too long after that, my ex bought an all season cottage. The idea was that he would sell his home, I would downsize and we would spend our retirement at the lake. We had a wonderful summer fixing it up, meeting great neighbors, and enjoying visitors. I spent a lot of time cleaning and decorating. I noticed that he was spending most of the week there while I was at work in the city. When I told him that I missed him he responded by saying that “there was nothing to come back to the city for”. I asked him to explain his statement as I thought that us being together was important. His response was “I didn’t mean it that way”. I didn’t question it any further as I knew there was still work to be done out there before winter. However, that statement really hurt me.

    While I was in the city and he was at the lake we texted each other. I would end the text with I love you and he would end his with hugs and kisses. That bothered me since he gave everyone hugs and kisses. When I expressed my feelings about this, he told me it meant I love you to him and the hugs and kisses continued. Our sex life was almost nonexistent since he would not allow me to touch him. If I did he would tell me not to pet him like a dog and he rarely initiated sex.

    It was Christmas of 2014 when I realized that I could no longer be with this man. We had Christmas at the lake with our families. Christmas Day went without a hitch or so I thought. It wasn’t until the next day that I realized he broke a piece of furniture that I loved. I asked him if he did it to hurt me or make me mad and his response was YES. I asked him why but he could not give me an answer. He responded “I don’t know, get over it, and don’t wreck the day. I will fix it but not today. If you are going to be mad then go back to the city”. I packed up my things and went home. He came back to the city the same day and moved his stuff out. His last words to me were ” I’ve loved you, I still love you but we can not make it work”. I was left devastated not understanding why this man that everyone things is wonderful would have done this on Christmas. What did I do to make him brake something he knew was important to me.

    To add insult to injury he texted my daughter right away and told her we parted our ways. I was very angry that he did not allow me to tell her and that it was done through a text. On Valentines day this year he went to my daughters house unannounced to deliver an envelope which included a receipt for my winter tires, a gift card to my daughter’s and my favorite restaurant and mad money for my daughter. He wrote her a letter which he ended by saying “I miss you and your mom, take care of each other”. We have had no contact with each other since he moved out and I am planning on keeping it that way.

    Why was I with him? Because everyone we knew thought very highly of him. I believed that everything was my fault and things would get better if only I would change. The funny thing is that I am by no means a weak person. I am a widow that has raised her daughter on her own. I have a wonderful career that helps me afford the better things in life. I have have very good friends that consider me to be a strong person. He was wonderful and at the same time cruel.
    What I could never understand is that he always admitted his cruelty but never apologized for it. Instead he became angrier or he would walk out and I was left confused questioning myself.

    Sent from my iPad

  9. Divine says:

    My Ex N fit criteria 100%, unfortunately it took ten years and him dumping me for his new supply to realize this. Oh my ex was the sweetest, soft spoken man you will ever meet. His words “He was sent here to do God’s work & that he is searching for his angel. She must look like him, talk like him. She must be so spiritual. Well I guess he thought he found her. Told me that he married her to save her, because she was lost (spiritually) & that he has to take care of her. She’s an angel, she’s an innocent & how they look alike & speak alike. whenever i saw them, they wete always arm in arm, like King & Queen. But yet since they’ve been married, he’s trying to lure me back. Now she’s pregnant & now it’s things are hard, she does not understand me. Only you know me, You are the closest person to me. she’s mentally sick, she has cancer. Everything is his hardship or how he was the savior of all & if you didn’t follow him, you were not following God. He’s the epidamy of a narc-sociopath

  10. simple girl says:

    my dear friends, it sums up in 1 line –
    the narc does not know to give anything, love, care, money, gifts, time, attention…they CANT give anything, period..

    so even if u make him feel a king/prince,, do all d beautiful things n gestures for him to make him feel special…they cant even feel the love…they will NEVER reciprocate…

    i guess all victims birthdays are same..

    even for me..i celebrated his bday with so much love, gifts n affection….n he dint even call me on my bday…texted saying happy bday, lets plan ur bday …n later after 20 days of my bday..he has the audacity to tell me..you dint reply to my msg…we cud have gone to celebrate ur bday..

    i mean wat the hell is dat??
    so he expected me to tell him – oh pls celebrate my bday…wen he dint even hv to courtesy to call me…
    n then he has the audacity to tell me this…

    i mean..they will always blame u…
    bigtime losers they are…
    morons, hollow, shallow, empty souls…

    they r cold n emotionless…do not feel love, joy, pain, sadness…nothing…
    i wonder if they shud be called human??

    extremely egoistic…huge egos…will compete with u for no reason…insecure on d most silly things..
    they want to be in limelight all d time…thwy will never want to focus on u…neva ever

    lets learn from our mistakes…i guess we all have ignored red flags time n again hence they keep torturing us every single time…
    lets stand strong n not take d crap they throw at us…

    being humans ..lets pray that they lead a peaceful life n let others live peacefully too

  11. To respond to your question of whether you might have fallen in love as a “self proclaimed narc”, I think that it’s possible… Most normal people don’t have the tools to deal with this personality trait. So if a narc encounters a strong person, a person who’s aware of the games and somehow maintains their dignity, it throws the narc off, it catches their attention in a way that isn’t common for them. It maybe takes one to know one, or it would take that certain person that’s dealt with this personality. Love is an uncontrolled reaction to another person, it’s often being manifested by chemical and physical reactions therefore explaining why we find ourselves in it. How many times have we met a wonderful person who just doesn’t do it for us?no instead we find ourselves falling for the uncontrollable emotions that make us feel week and vulnerable, ok, so maybe some of you will say that’s not what love is supposed to do, but for the people like me that seem to go for those types of feelings, add in a handsome, sexy very desirable man who shares your love of music, dancing etc… It can happen. So I truly believe that a narc can meet his match and be thrown for a surprise , but my question to you is, can you truly ever love us back?

  12. Carolene says:

    Narcissists are very sly and are like shape shifters and if you don’t know what a Narc is or that they exist you will fall for their flattery and lies until it is too late. I met a man and we were talking for the first time on the phone and he was telling me how different he was from other men, and that he was celebet and how women got angry at him if did not have sex with them. I ask him why he decided to become celebet, he said that it was because of his ex girlfriend and I asked him what reasons of his own did he decide to be celebet and he could not come up with any answer. He was trying hard to convince me that he was the right man for me.Then he told me about how he loved to compliment woman but he explaned it like it was a tool that he used. He then said that I am going to start off complimenting you slowly and this sounded strange to me, as if he need to compliment woman. I explained how I thought compliments were unnecessary and I did not need to be complimented. he became angry and said that every woman liked compliments and he has never heard of a woman who did not like them, I did not like them or dislike them but I find them to be an opinion that is not true or real and if I took them to heart I would also have to take the criticism to heart as well. This is what a Narcissists will do compliment you till your think that you are the Queen of Sheaba, and when he grows tired of that he will then stop complimenting you and start to devalue you and do the opposite of compliment you and talk about how bad you are. This is what made me see that I was dealing with a Narc, so I just hung up on this monster after he became rude with me for no reason at all really, but for me expressing my opinion about how I felt about being complimented, And by the way he had not even given me a compliment at all.

  13. raylene says:

    Yep i was in a relatipnship for 2yrs and 11months. Boy you are spot on he was a true narc. and i have exsposed him big time and now he is runnning away. Because people can see him for what he really is. I out smarted the narc..

  14. Wiser Now says:

    Nearly everyone here describes their narcissists almost identically. That’s because they do the same dance that has only three steps. Step one: seduction and conquer. Oh, they are good at that. Step two begins the moment you say you love him or her–they have succeeded in their mission of getting your love, sex and devotion, and now it’s time to begin to detach. They withhold sex, cheat, lie, insult you, their actions and words no longer match, they are never wrong, they always blame you and they will never apologize, no matter what they’ve done. They will tell you that you are crazy, and gas light you to make you feel crazy. And if you show anger after catching them cheating or some other major thing, they will start saying your anger scares them and they’ll make your anger more of an issue than their cheating. If they cheat but aren’t quite done draining you of your love and emotional range, they will pretend to feel remorse but you better get over it fast because they do not like to have to act humble or remorseful for very long because it’s all an act and such a hassle to have to pretend like you matter to them. Stage three: once they drain you dry and you no longer have any supply to give them, they’ve probably already lined up a new victim and they will discard you like a used condom or dirty Kleenex , then leave and never look back. They will probably stay gone long enough to victimize a couple of new victims, but if they noticed you’ve moved on, they will want to start the dance all over again, because you gave good supply, unlike the flimsy w****s and psychos he just dumped. So, if you show resistance and stay strong against letting them back in, that will cause them to turn on all the charm and sweet talk with you like never before. How they have learned that you were the best and most loving ever and now they want to marry you and never leave your side again-blah blah blah. They bring flowers and cards and little love notes and they really put in a lot more effort than ever. They may even make you a mix tape CD and let the lyrics do their talking for them, since they have no real emotional depth of their own. They will manage to re-seduce you, and you are so in love again, you forgot about what trips the kaboom off and launches step two, so you tell him you love him, and there it is– the kaboom, welcome back to distancing and detaching, then here comes step three again and you feel abandoned and left feeling like a deflated balloon. He will be glad to keep the 123 dance going over and over because he probably has a few others in the rotation. Once you finally get that he’s a Narcissist with a bad prognosis for healing …you want to cut your losses and be glad you finally figured out his game. You loved a robot with fake emotions, and there is no there, there-he’s a programmed robot and emotional sucking machine–he’s an emotional vampire and you deserve more. Sever contact, stay mad and start hobbies, activities, projects and as much busy work as you can. Do not allow yourself to daydream about what could have been–it wouldn’t ever be that because you fell for a robot who feeds on emotions to live. Run like hell!

    SO… HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS.
    I am about a year with NC and I hardly ever think of my ordeal or the assclown narc who used me. I got some therapy, dug deep and figured out why I was a magnet for these suckfish, handled it and made some kick a*s boundaries. I also announced in great detail to the narc what was wrong with them and to get help or piss off eternally. That will keep the clown away forever–they hate to be found out.

    The grand finale–I am healing and soon I will be 100% sane and normal again. The Narc? Nope. They don’t heal 98% of the time–their egos will not let them admit they are batshit crazy, so they resist therapy. Sorry–I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, or cure it. Good luck on that. I am going back to Sanity Land. Adios, mofo.

    • Melanie says:

      OMG, were we dating the same person? (just kidding, but we all share similar stories with Narcs). I went through the exact same things….. the love songs, the CD mixes, all of it. My Narc discarded me only to woo me back one year later. I fell for it, not knowing at the time what he was, and believing he’d changed and did truly love me. Turns out, he was only using me for a final six months to “punish” the newer supply that had been “acting up” (I.E. not doing what he wanted, not showing enough Narc-worship) and after he finally won HER back, discarded me like an old dishrag. It took me almost a year to recover and finally realize the entire 8 year relationship was a fraud and a sham. He was a consummate actor. I felt like I wasted 8 years of my life! Also, I did a lot of healing work and have come out kicking a** as well. We DO become stronger after this experience, even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone! Yours was a great post and you write very well! Narcs leave horror and destruction in their wake and skip off into the sunset with someone else. They have no empathy and no conscience. The good news is I don’t believe I will ever fall for someone like this again, as now I know all the red flags and my Narc radar is amazing these days. One final caution to others: If you ever feel something is “off”, if you ever feel like you have to start playing detective with someone, if someone you’re dating is coming on way, way too strong and seems to good to be true……..RUN like the wind, because you’re dating a Narcissist!

  15. Tired Soul says:

    I was too in a relationship w/ a narcissist for 4 years. I thought that time, everything was perfect that I could never ask for someone better and our love story was like a fairy tale. In addition to it he was my 1st boyfriend so I really don’t have any idea of the usual relationships. I’ve realized after we broke up that boy have I sacrificed a lot when I was w/ him while everything was all perfect on his part. I sacrificed my career because he doesn’t want me to be far from him while he, himself worked abroad. All my attention should just be solely focused on him because God forbid if my friends ever took any of my attention and time from him even my family. I thought that he just loves me so much and it was really a great shock for me when one day he just told me that he got tired and he needs space and freedom and left me when we never even fought hard about something since we started together. It all happened because I told him that he just commits the same mistakes over and over again and this time I’m already tired hearing him say sorry but he’s still doing it all over again. Weeks later I’ve found out that he was dating someone and he treats her like a princess just like what he used to treat me in the beginning of our relationship and I’ve found out that he made it look like it was all my fault to his friends and family. I was really devastated. Because I have no one to run to. I felt like nothing was left of me. I turned my back on all the opportunities, my dreams and I have no friends because he cut them off in my life when we were still together. But with all these things that I’ve sacrificed for him, it was still not enough for him. Because based on what he told his friends It would seem like I was never a good girlfriend to him contradictory from what he made me believed when we were still together just like what he also did with his former girlfriend before me.

  16. Kristin says:

    I am embarrassed to say that I was with a narcissist for 71/2 years. Until I left him, I didn’t realize that this is what he was. I thought he was selfish, depressed, etc… I left once & just like text book he lured me back with fake promises, declarations of love, etc…. I disconnected during our marriage which made it easier to leave. It has been a year and I am SO happy that I finally left him. He already has another victim-I wouldn’t be surprised if he was communicating/with her when we were married. I love my new life and I am continuing to grow and give myself the love that he couldn’t. Please don’t rush into a new relationship after leaving a narcissist-make time for yourself to heal, educate yourself, love yourself.

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