The Narcissist: He is Making Me Crazy!

One Woman’s Story of ‘Narcissistic Crazy-making’

My partner is a narcissist and he is driving me crazy. He does this with such panache and ease that I almost admire his ability to do so. He will go from the nicest, most charming Dr. Jekyl (in public) to the dark, twisted Mr. Hyde (in private) in the blink of an eye. Prince Charming transforms into the Prince of Darkness right before my eyes.

When we first met, I thought I had found Mr. Perfect, Mr. Right. He seemed to be too good to be true. He was handsome, charming and he knew all the right people and all the right places to be. He worshipped me and put me on a pedestal- according to him, I was perfect and could do no wrong. We were both in seventh heaven and madly in love. Or so he said and so I thought.

Now he criticizes me all the time- what I wear, how I look, my opinions, even my cooking (which he previously said was so good it was beyond comparison). When I have a bad day, or more importantly, a significant crisis- he isn’t there for me. He can only talk about himself day and night; instead of offering me support, he complained about how my crisis affected and interrupted his day.

He projects all his “bad” behavior on to me- blaming me for anything and everything that goes wrong or might go wrong. He accuses me of doing the very thing he is guilty of doing. He constantly accuses me of having an affair with male friends…yet he was the one who had an affair with a friend. Then he said it was my fault because I didn’t provide enough compliments; I didn’t stroke his ego enough. He is never sorry and he never apologizes. After all, I should apologize to him because whatever went wrong was my fault (yes, he actually said I should apologize to HIM when he had the affair!). He always acts as if he were the victim, not the perpetrator.

He mocks me and puts down everything about me- from the perfume that I wear to the music I listen to or to the friends I have. He makes fun of anything I believe in and any opinion that I express. Not only am I no longer “perfect”, but I can never do anything right; nothing is ever up to his standards. It seems the more I get emotionally upset, the colder and icier he gets. He keeps his composure while I lose mine.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind as well. Lately, he has started to literally drive me crazy to the point where I am not sure about myself anymore. He will say something or do something and then completely deny he ever said it or did it. He says I imagined it or that it never happened and that I am just crazy. I am beginning to think I am crazy as I am starting to believe what he says.

When I know I am right and state that I am certain of what he said or did, he storms out of the room in a verbally abusive rage and then completely refuses to talk to me or acknowledge me. He totally ignores me for days and sometimes weeks. He will act as if I were invisible and meaningless. It is worse than living with a three year old who tantrums and then sticks their fingers in their ears so they can’t hear you. His iciness literally freezes you out.

When he is not ignoring me, he demands my full attention. If I have an important deadline or pressing appointment, he will do something to sabotage it and make me late or not go at all.

Sometimes I feel like I am the enemy and that it is not a relationship between us- it’s a war. And there can only be one winner (him) and one loser (me). When the constant criticism, insults and demands become too abusive, I pack up and leave. He cries and says he will change. He calls and texts and emails me, showering me with the charm and attention he showed me in the beginning of our relationship. I am drawn to this man like a magnet and every time I go back. But he never changes. Oh, for a few days everything is wonderful again but then the cycle starts again. Once more, the verbal abuse starts as does the manipulations, mind games, coldness and blaming. It is so exasperating and frustrating. How can he be so charming one moment yet so evil the next? It is driving me crazy.

I feel like he is a vampire and sucking the life out of me, taking my own self esteem and even my soul. He has tormented me so much that I feel like I am going crazy- I can’t make up my own mind about anything anymore. I can’t even decide which I want more… to kill him or to kill myself. (Just kidding…I think)

References:

http://www.breakingupwithyournarcissist.com/narcissists_drive_you_crazy.html
http://thinklikeablackbelt.com/blog/five-traits-of-a-narcissistic-crazymaker/
www.lisaescott.com/2010/11/15/crazymaking-behavior-narcissist

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About Alexander Burgemeester

33 Responses to “The Narcissist: He is Making Me Crazy!”

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  1. Cheryle says:

    Dear Crazy, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY AND HE IS THE ONE WHO IS SICK! LET ME SAY THIS AGAIN….. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY AND HE IS THE ONE WHO IS SICK! I don’t know where you are in your relationship today, I saw you posted this last year. But, let me tell you, I could have written the EXACT same thing last year. What I started to do was hide a recorder so I could play back the insidious remarks and accusations so I knew for SURE what was really said and what happened. I realizes , through much soul searching and a lot of reading on narcissistic personality disorder that it is him. I am not crazy much less anything else he says I am or to me. I too never had his help during Amy crisis. I went through so many surgeries with him making my life a living hell (it was always about how he was inconvenienced by my illness) that I literally would not have him even take me to the hospital or come there at all. Your story is mine TOO A T! I have left and been promised the moon too. I finally realized that I no longer care whether he leaves or stays. So I finally grew a HUGE SET OF FEMALE BALLS and I do and say EXACTLY WHAT I WANT NOW! The more I behave in a way that is for my best interest the less he acts like an ass! He will NEVER leave. So what do I care. I have told him before that I saw a lawyer and the next time I leave it is for good and by the time I am done with him I will have half of all his retirement plus he will be paying me every month for alimony and child support and he will be paying for this house while me and his three kids live here. And I mean every word of it. What’s more, he now knows it. Do yourself a favor, get some help, grow some balls and do not give a shit about him or what he says and does ever again! It is life transforming! I promise, email me so,e time, I’ll tell you more

    • denise says:

      hi I have just read your letter and as a victim of a narrsacist as well. we have been together for three years and I feel like I am going crazy at times and feel like what is life worth living when your with someone like this.. With the fear of leaving he has countless time told me how I could not do it without him,, that I need him ,. I am now all alone without communication with my family , this is scary because I do have a 15 year old daughter as well , I want the courage to leave but have very big fears, I am a nurse who has just graduated , still he makes me feel like I don’t do enough and everything from the way he speaks to what he thinks its all my fault ..I feel like I’m in a prison ,, I want to let women of all nations to know they are not alone and we need to stick together ,

      • Jem says:

        Growing up I was an only child and I watched my father systematically destroy my mother, year after painful year. It has caused me to have years of therapy and I struggle with P.T.S.D. He still tries to use me as narc supply when I am in his presence but I am way too sophisticated for him to figure out. I can see right through him and I believe he knows it, which scares him……………..GOOD! I basically have no deep respect for the pathetic man. My mother was in and out of mental hospitals when I was growing up. He married her when she was 14 and she had me. He took a young girl and twisted her spirit……my mother. She was brain washed into being his source until it broke her mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I hate my father and hope he gets everything he deserves. I have forgiven him but I do not respect him because he will never change and even at 82 years old he is still trying to harm me and destroy me emotionally too. He will never do that because I am stronger and smarter than he is. He is living on borrowed time anyway. I suggest to any woman that thinks raising her children with an abusive, reality twisting Narc. She better think twice about being a a real mother and keeping her children safe. These Narcs will cause you and your children more harm than some people are able to repair later on. I suggest that it is a bad idea to inflict a sick Narc on your own children or your self for that matter. RUN !!!

    • Emma says:

      Hi,
      I realise your message is old. But you sound strong and as though you’ve moved on. I’m trying to leave after 17 years and it’s so hard! Any advice would be gratefully received.

  2. jjj1984 says:

    I whole heartedly agree with the previous comment.
    Rest assured that everyone who experiences narcissistic abuse goes through the same cycle of confusion. It’s a hallmark of the entire process. You have been with someone who constantly made you feel that you were to blame, denied truths and manipulated you to such a degree that you didn’t know what was right and what was wrong anymore.

    My heart goes out to you. Wishing for you to have the strength to leave his monster before he causes more damage.

  3. Sarah says:

    I have been living with my narc husband for 7 years and I just realized couple of months ago that he is Narc. I read these articles frequently and try to learn about how to deal with this on day to day basis. My pain is quite manageable now but there is one issue I am still confused about.

    I have noticed that If I do not agree with him in small matters like which restaurant to pick to go for dinner, he gets upset and really angry in few seconds. Next comes cursing, yelling, name calling, insults and put downs.

    I feel deeply hurt and dont know how to react in this situation. Any advice for me ? leaving him is no option at this point due to some critical financial and social circumstances. thanks.

    • chely5150 says:

      Hi Sara- yes I too am married to a narcissist- almost 20 years now. Whenever mine will say ” why can’t you ever agree with me ” ? I tell him that I’d be happy to -as soon as he says something that I can agree with. He doesn’t care for that response but too damn bad. I bought this little plaque that says. ” I’d agree with you but then we”d both be wrong”. He didnt think this one was funny either.

  4. sweetpea says:

    I just ended a nine month relationship with a man just like you described. Get out and get out fast!

  5. Andrea says:

    I was doing so well- I was on the same boat as you, and I turned my life around and was happier and more level headed than I’ve ever been, and proud of myself. But today and yesterday I let the narc get to me and I went CRAZY. I think I had to of sent close to 30 txt messages with no reply- I tried at first to rationally talk things out and calmly but he just ignores. And he doesn’t stop ignoring. The messages even say “read” yet no reply. It makes me go mad so I sent more and more, each one angrier and now I’m slapping myself and wondering if I am the crazy one. Because if he shows anyone his phone (which I’m sure he will) then they will all assume I am a Wack job. But I literally couldn’t help it. I was so mad and hurt and I just wanted a response. Just one response. But nothing. The last txt I ended up apologizing for acting crazy and sending all the messages. I feel sick to my stomach. Like what I did wasn’t real, or I wish it wAsnt. What is wrong with me? Have y’all ever done this? How do you deal with the judgement of others too? I was just doing so well. I’m so mad at myself now.

    • Gotta love them narcs says:

      LOL girl yes i did it did it did it, STILL doing it!! You have to learn to laugh at it they are sick bastards and know no boundaries. He ignores me and i keep right on contacting him. Facebook, phone, whatever. He filed no trespassing on me but i dont give a damn!! The justice system is a joke anyways, they wont do anything (unlesss there is considerable damage)….. You have to learn to play their game. He left me like the flip of a switch one month ago with no legitimate reason other than (he doesn’t “love me like he used to”, i dont “fix myself up anymore” LOL OKAY i just had a baby, he is retarded) we have a 5 mo. Daughter together my life is pretty much f****ed forever now with him in it…… SO i just play along and get what satisfaction i can from harrassing him (within reason) i know i have better things coming so FUCK HIM : ) my whole point: ur not crazy, but its OK to be if he makes you feel that way!! So go for it 😀

    • Shana says:

      I’ve done the same thing. It’s so amazing to me he can be so insensitive and hurt me over and over again and then not even repond when I react about it…then I do feel like it’s me, but I KNOW IT’S NOT. Reading others’ stories makes me feel like I am not alone and neither are you! Shana

    • Karen says:

      Oh yes, that’s me! I keep playing his game. He’s like a vampire. He loves to kick me when I’m down and then pretend that I “misunderstood” him. He goes silent when I try to clear things up.

      For instance – I’m now on stress leave from work. May never go back and I’m very afraid right now. I sent him a message about this telling him it was my first day. I get back a JOKE email entitled “Texas TITTY BAR” showing a mechanical group nursing stand for motherless calves. His message attached said “So what did you expect from me?”

      It was like he slapped me in the face really hard.

      Something in me just snapped. I told him that I hate him period and that he literally makes me sick.

      His response was that he just never knew how to talk or share things with me. He claimed he was just trying to send me something cute.

      Thanks for listening

  6. sadi says:

    I could have written all these posts myself. I am going through exactly the same its quite unbelievable. No one can ever understand unless you have been with a narc. He is making my life a living hell. We all need to get together to support each other.

  7. sadi says:

    I could have written this post myself, the first comment is EXACTLY what I have been going through for 7 years. I would love to be able to contact someone who is going through the same for support. No one ever understands unless you have been there.

  8. sadi says:

    Oh my God, I would really love to meet up with the women on this web site for support I am going through the same

  9. courtney says:

    I kicked my ex out 3 weeks ago…I miss him. I miss the sex I miss his touch I miss him. I never really knew wtf was wrong with him. I met him on a online dating…i had seen his profile he sent me msgs but i ignored his pics were obvious he loved himself. he persisted and we started talking and decided i would meet him in person…he was cute…i loved the way he talked and he was charming. We had sex the 1st day I knowwww but it was so hard to resist. Instantly wanting to be my gf…we hardly knew eachother. I fell for it. i was his gf. i soon found out he had 2 impaired driving charges in 1 week….he had numerous traffick tickets including an accident from one of his impaireds. He is still wanted in another province…but fleed and came here. he had an ex before me with 2 kids and she was never broughy up. RED FLAG. i have 2 kids as well but i ignored. i was in love. he had a bad job at the time and was not getting money so he pried his way into my house. second mistake. he had a video game addiction me and my girls became prisoners to our rooms as he occupied the living room. when i asked him after hrs of playing to get off he would act like a child. every outing was to visit his family where i was to drive him cause of no license its 45 mins away in dead winter i hated taking my kids on it…understandable nope he said i was keeping him from his family. your lucky i drove u…but anyways i was a single mom fulltime student getting a bachelors and it was nothing to him his exact words…anyone can do it. for a year i listened to him tell his stories of his past…pretty screwed up major neglect and marital problems between his mom and dad. his abandonment issues in that time left him locked in that time i swear every story was from his time living in a different country. my stories meant nothing he always seem disinterested and ployed to get back on his game. every free moment outside of work he did get a month after moving in he was generous but money doesnt buy my happiness. i paid 50/50 and he would claim he bought me and my kids food. it was all about i bought you this be happy. no emotional support at all. only got energized and got off his game if it was to go drive to see his family i started refusing doing it…they would pick him up. he refused to do anything with me or my kids or go to my family functions why would i give in. i turned down 3 because he never left the house and getting rid of him here and there was nice. i always offered to have his family at our place they never came. i would have to drive 45 mins…to let him see his. the fights got physical he broke my stuff…im no angel i hurt with words too but it takes fuel before i fire. our last fight i turned off his xbox and he attacked i was bruised all over my arms he claims self defense maybe some where cause i fought him back. it just got childish from there. i was a strong confident person when i met him…i was stooping to his level. my kids spent time with their dad and only witnessed a few fights one where he smashed a chair infront of one of them. finally the last draw he started claiming he was moving out like threatening me…he claimed i kicked him out all the time well wonder why? my shits getting broken. it was a sunday i woke up at 6 hes sitting in the livingroom looking at his phone apparently for apts. i said ok then move now. i had a feeling he was msging girls because he had a newfound confidence that he could get a 25 yr old with a tight @#$ how nice hey? i picked up his hat he threatened to throw my a/c out the window…he picked it up..that was it. i wasnt going to let this lunatic break any more of my stuff…his stuff his tv and couch pretty much all he had oh yeah and the xbox was in tact. but i break his stuff?! so he started freaking out and packing he called his mom and they came and took him to a motel. he lived there 5 days while i cried and wanted him back but knew i couldnt. thursday he told me he wamted to get counselling etc..but was cold about it. we had sex and that was the last time i seen him. every correspondance after was cold mean all about him he got a place it was over im crazy i ruin all the guys i date. uhh was with my girls dad 10 yrs and im 30 we are still bestfriends that also bothered him. he called me amd his last words were move on. sunday he had a new love interest. he blocked me from everything wouldnt tell me where he lived…trash talked me on fb callimg me a psycho angry ex who stalks him. im ungrateful cause he supported me…uhhh i paid half! i tried contacting him once to give him his stuff that his grandma who died gave him….no response. ok i thought they meant the world to you. nope his new love does. i was with this guy 14 months and im broken hes ruined my confidence…my trust…my secrets…i am bossy but i only wanted him to take care of his law stuff and have goals. never talked about the future day to day. iys been 3 weeks and im finally eating again. crazy as it sounds i miss his good side which i didnt see often. i missed red flags everywhere he treated waitresses for ex rudely. was rude to my parents on fb. hes a total fb whore selfies and all. but has no friends in person. just from the xbox. sorry i needed to vent. any advice appreciated. i just hate seeing his new girl in his apt with our cat…yes he took our cat he claims its his. my kids were devastated. he didnt even say goodbye to them. and left everything they made him over the year. ugh i hate him. but still miss him.

  10. Joe says:

    I’m a full blown diagnosed narcissist, it sucks. I’m trying to not lose a 25+ year marriage to a beautiful caring woman. I know I have problems, therapy hasn’t helped but sights like this have. I actually would enjoy therapists, I would run circles around them, and confuse them to the point of asking me not to return. This was BEFORE I really accepted my disorder for what it is, a mental DISORDER.

    When something happens in my life I try and step back, see how a narcissist would react, ask a friend and then react accordingly.

    I think people don’t fully understand it’s not a choice we are like this. It’s a coping mechanism we built as a child and in many ways know no different. Not an excuse just a simple fact. It’s instinctive to act ans behave a certain way and getting past t that is tiresome, exhausting and draining. But, I push forward to try and undo 40+ years of wrongful thinking.

    I apologize for everything you ladies are going through. It is a terrible mental disorder that is VERY hard for the individual with it to accept. I am a work in progress and grateful everyday my wife is with me.

    Like the site and I learn how to change by reading and listening to people such as you who have been hurt by people like me.

    • Catherine says:

      Joe,
      I’m so greatful for your post, seeing the other side doesn’t happen. I was with the love of my life for over 15 years, he lived with me I own my own place. Now 15 yrs later he’s a real mean man, don’t know this person. He cheated on me twice left me in January 2015 for another woman, that didn’t work out so he wanted to come back laid all his charm on me so he could. Nearly as soon he came back it’s been hell he treats me really bad ignores me and when he does talk to me he doesn’t look at me when he does he continues to watch tv etc. He turned on his charm to get back now he has no care in the world and for the other woman he’s back talking with her and what else I don’t know.

      I told him when we got back together it would be different. Different to me is no fighting being kind to one another etc.

      To him that meant I was to get a job and help him buy a house, omg wow that was a bomb, He applied for a house and was said no too. Because he has too much debt, he blames that on me also, not my fault i TAKE CARE OF MY OWN HOUSE MY ON BILLS ETC.
      I am on disabelity have been for years, he said go out ang get a job to help him pay for the house that he wants. Every since he found that out i’m on his destroy list, I loved this man for 15 yrs plus and this is what he wants and only cares about. How do you make them realize what he has and try to make him up he’ll lose the love of his life. I’m very hurt by him.

  11. Jane says:

    I’ve just got out of a 4 month relationship with a narc yes only 4 month and it was the most dramatic small period of my life that sucked the living day lights out of me . He was everything I ever wanted I fell for him so hard then he became a totally different person that confused me greatly . We both have kids so it was disastrous and I got out soon as I can I can’t even begin to describe all the things that happened in such a short space of time and I miss him terribly . It really is the worst relationship I’ve every experienced and I wonder how people on here with marriages that have lasted 10 20 years can still function , take my hat did to you all . I hope there is hope after a narc I don’t know who I am anymore just broken x much love to you all

  12. Shannon says:

    Crazy, I just wanted to give you a big e-hug,,, I know how you feel.
    I have been feel I have been with my oldman for almost 2 years. He ignores me regularly, belittles without batting a eye, he makes demands of me while he does nothing. He insults my cooking and I am by far the best he has ever had.
    Now here is the twist he has hired someone to help hem terrorize me. I have no way out he got me car re pode. I use to work abalony daily sculpting it. I would bring out of the shell faces. He decide he did not want me to have a life outside of the house. He and the person helping started to flood my word cartoon faced then I was in the garage when I noticed there was a man standing by moms cat. I called my partner and waited for him to show from inside the house. I finally got tired of waiting for him so i walked over to the face and it was a reflection of a man. This was the start of my nightmare it is
    I am still living this night mare and I do not know what I am going to do. As you said I STILL LOVE HIM and I hate me for trying to conform.
    Please take care of your self. (Shannon)

    • Joe says:

      I feel for all you ladies……………(((HUGS)))

      Sorry we are so messed up, just PLEASE remember it is not directly our fault. Although as an adult we have no excuse for some of our actions.

      – Joe

  13. Montychristo86 says:

    I cannot tell you how many times I was crazy made. I was actually falsely diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (an autistic disorder of which. I had no symptoms) by a school psychiatrist. My narc dad and narc stepmother jumped at the chance because I was beginning to call them out for their mistreatment. I was on a slew of psychiatric meds that were bad for me, with the tranquilizers always being lauded by those two – guess why.

    Crazy making is basically another the narcissist tries to hack into you to control, except he or she is doing it remotely. It’s called “Gaslighting” (after an old film called Gaslight) because it uses the environment to control you to get what the narc wants out of you while you breath in the toxic fumes of their illusions.

  14. Light One says:

    I married a narcissist 28 years ago. I had no idea what I was getting in to. I hardly recognize myself anymore. First I stayed to be there for my children; I was raped at 6 and had buried the memory, so I just could not leave my children and go to work. He did so many cruel and vicious things to me, but no physical violence and his strong belief in his rightness, contributed to my self doubt. Every time I pulled myself together and tried to get on my feet and be the woman I was when I met him- I have a Master’s Degree , am a published author and taught for 13 years, he would trip me up and put me in a state of emotional exhaustion that took days to recover from. As the years went by, he gave just enough “love” to keep my hooked, but not happy. Now the children are adults, and I could leave, but at 62, I have no idea where to go. My belief in an alternative to this life is very weak. Yesterday, my therapist gave up on me.

    • Dee says:

      I hope you don’t mind me sending you this message. I know how you feel. I am married to a N too and can relate to a lot of the postings here. But I tell you one thing, I have come to realise that Gods love is far deeper than what any man can offer. We feel so let down, so unloved and yet i give so much.
      I have started to rest in the knowledge that God loves me and HE shows me daily His love for me. I have healthy children, I’m healthy, I have loving family and great friends… I count the beautiful things in my life and simply ignore what my husband sometimes does to bring me down
      If you believe in God, pray for him and pray for Gods love.

      Much love Dee

  15. Nightshade101 says:

    Hello to all of you women that are going through this.
    I met this guy online and over a period of a month he had me hook, line & sinker. Made me think I had found the one. He sent me money to move up in the state he was in and we continued seeing each other. I saw afew red flags but because my heart was ruling my head ignored them. Now after 16 months and moving in with him, I have seen so much. I thought I was going crazy!!! I started drinking alot to get by and get over the confusion of all the things he was doing to me. He even glorified in the fact that I was put in jail after trying to talk to him one night, I pushed open the bedroom door & a piece of the side came off so I was in jail for destruction of property. I saw the police report he had written & I could not believe this was the same man I was talking to online! As part of my agreement to getting the charges reduced, I had to see a therapist. I did & I found out so much about who he was plus why I felt all the things I did. I was so grateful for finally finding out and started to become a better person at focusing & becoming more knowledgeable at not playing his games. I have 4 sons to think about so just leaving isnt an option at the moment but in time when they turn 18 I plan on leaving. He has told them I am the monster here & that he does everything for me…LOL. I have read stories of women that stay in relationships for so long and I dont know how they did it, except that my heart goes out to them as I know full well what they have been through. These men are complete monsters that blame people for everything, nothing is ever their fault. Dr Jekyll-Mr Hyde is who I call him as you never know when he will be in one of his moods. I have found that ignoring them, their texts and emails is the best way to let you keep your sanity, otherwise they will argue with you til you are blue in the face or they have completely broken you down. These men love to lie too, ohhh the lies they love to tell you..LOL. I wish there was a womens support group that go through the same things in my town but there isnt. There should be more made on the awareness of this mental disorder. I am so glad there are websites like this where women can reach out to other women & provide some support. Best of luck to all of you that have met these monsters, just know you are not alone!

  16. Silly Girl says:

    You know, I’ve been with my now-fiance for about 8-9 years and only just started to realized in the past few days that he’s a narcissist.

    He’s been making me crazy for far longer of course (very similar to the rest of you lovely ladies) but I was always left thinking I’d done something wrong, or it was somehow my own fault. He was also my first love and ‘real’ relationship so it maybe took me longer than it ought to.

    The thing that drives me absolutely nuts is that he really truly does seem to love me! He can be caring, will occasionally admit to having ‘issues’, and goes through periods of trying really hard. Sometimes, a lot of times, just doesn’t follow through. Or makes out that he might have SAID he was going to do it, but not when. Or that he never made an actual promise to do so. Or that I didn’t specify how it gets done (this, usually when he gets someone else to do it on his behalf).

    And if I call him out on it too often I get told I’m being bitchy, complaining, ALL THE TIME, and that ‘living with me is a hell’ for x number of days. Delightful, no?

    Joe, I’m glad you showed up to give the other perspective… Sounds like you do love your wife and are trying, which gives me a little hope. I do love him dearly, I just sometimes wonder if that makes me a fool.

  17. ariana says:

    I was exactly in your shoes except on top of all that he was physically abusive as well. So from experience I can say that even if your significant other isn’t physical with you he is still crossing boundaries in other ways and it is abusive. Flat out. Your story sounds just like mine minus physical abuse. Now I have two innocent children involved and am getting divorced. Do NOT have kids with this person as they will use them as collateral and treat them like he treats you as soon as they are old enough to get a mind of their own and talk back. You deserve to be free and all of your mental walls have been broken down. There is a reason you chose this person, such as something or someone that hu r you or was controlling to you as a child. Find the power you once had. Don’t be afraid to reach out. My husband made me think my family didn’t care about me and I felt so alone, when I was sending them mixed signals and they had been waiting for me to reach out. Your family and friends that you no longer talk to don’t know the severity of what you are going through. It isn’t normal. You are a prisoner in a free world, not realizing you can walk out the door any time! You need healthy space and are with a very mentally sick person. Don’t own his shit. Only take responsibility for your own. It is wrong to enable someones bad behavior. Of you have kids, start gathering your evidence. Peace be with all who have gone through this. You’ll never know if they will get better or not, but don’t stick around when you know it’s possible to have a much happier life that you actually look forward to every day.

  18. TS says:

    This WAS my life to a T. Feeling grateful now!

  19. shawa says:

    Omg 26 years I’m in this it’s nuts I’ve got degrees two kids and I’m pushed and pushed by him he’s brainwashing my son (14) to believe I’m the problem. He hi ts me threatens me then allows my kids to See me react please tell me how people successfully get away. My family knows he’s a narc I do too but relinquishing control of my kids every other weekend to him isn’t an option

  20. Tammy says:

    Jane, I to was in a relationship very similar but mine was a pain staking 12mths, in that time he managed to destroy the happy, fun loving person I was into a person I don’t even know anymore.. I stood by his side through his lies, cheating and constant verbal put downs, I hated the person I had become and still do, she was not worthy of this man, he had made me feel so beneath him and in the end he has broken my soul and made me feel the lowest I had ever felt in my life!
    I wld love to talk to some of you ladies just to help each other cope a little bit better..

  21. scared to share says:

    Okay, I have read all these posts. I am in counseling to keep my perspective. As I am married to the most evil Narcissistic man. Worse than Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde. Devilishly childish, selfish and gives the apperance to those easily fooled that he is quite the catch. I was an idiot to marry this man. I am an idiot to still be here. But his games and manipulation is real, his threats and determination to destroy me is strong. I am surviving, planning,my escape, fearing for my life, my daughters life, my other family members well-being, as he would cause a domino affect once I leave, and I want to protect them as well. He is so hell bent on trying to push me over the edge. He is a liar, a cheat, he breaks promises and claims he never made them. He hurt us, and rationalizes it to be some how our own fault. I am trying to control what I can. Which. By the way is very little. He is a control freak! We can NOT be happy unless he wants us to be in his presence, if we share anything that brings us joy, he is jealous and quickly finds a way to wipe our smiles off our faces before we even know what happened. He enjoys seeing us cry, it brings a smirk to his face. He even uses God against us quoting scriptures out of content. He is a wolf in sheeps clothing. He is a snake with venum that destroys one vein at a time, infecting our blood and we question why we exist at all. If there is anyone who has successfully left one of these tyrants, I need to know how. He stalked us when I tried leaving before we stayed at a shelter for women, they asked me to leave because he came to the door, again I the victim put out because I lead him back to the safe house…REALLY, THANKS I literally trust no one. He compairs me to the porn he watches, it makes me sick. He looks at our daughter in a very i inappropriate way. I am going to either end up disappearing or fighting and I am afraid I will loose.

  22. scared to share says:

    Grrrrrr, I tried to explain, but apparently there is a limit to what is spoken here. In any case I have read the previous posts. How exactly CAN one live with and eventually save up to leave th i s type of tyrant. Desperate, don’t want him to haunt me the rest poo f my life. I NEED to find a way to get away and protect my little girl from his hurtful ways. We are both in counseling, my daughter and I because he is driving us crazy. He does things deliberately to see us cry, we do not understand why??!! Help

  23. hardtogetout says:

    First, let me say that I love you all and I know what you are going through. I was married to a narcissist. We were together for ten years. I knew he was trouble from the start, but I stayed because he was so ‘awesome’. What began with little put-downs and comments about things like what I was wearing or who/what my friends were turned into complete mind control. I was completely financially dependent on him, was made to feel that I had nowhere else to go and that no one else would ever put up with me. I couldn’t make a decision without him. I had turned into a zombie with no thoughts of my own because every thought I could possibly drum up on my own would be wrong. I couldn’t say anything right. I had alienated all of my friends. I stopped seeing them because I would get interrogated by him about every little aspect of my visits with them, it was easier not to see them. I was told to be more private and not talk about our personal life. I trusted no one. He was the only person I ever saw. It was not purely emotional and psychological abuse, financial abuse was rolled in to control me. One minute we would be facing bankruptcy, the next we were flush – according to him. I never knew anything of our finances, except what he chose to make me believe. We didn’t have a joint account. I had my own checking (usually empty). I was scared all the time. All the time. I never knew what would make him angry and when he got angry he was like a cartoon villain – he seemed to get bigger and bigger and bigger. I tried to leave several times, and always ended up coming back. When I finally woke up and then hit rock bottom, I was honest with my family and told them how I was feeling. They encouraged me to stay with them, which I was very grateful for. It took me eight months to get my own little place, but it was worth it. I’m glad I stuck it out.
    For those of you looking for a way out, you need to be careful with yourselves. It is not easy, and can be dangerous. Best of luck to you. You are definitely not alone, never feel alone. There’s always someone else out there going through the same thing. I thought I was alone, and that I was just a person worth hating. Worth nothing. That was wrong.

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