The Narcissist and Revenge

Narcissism is a broad term that is used to describe a wide range of different but related psychological conditions relating to self-love and self-esteem or, more commonly, to self-obsession and exaggerated self-importance. A narcissist, one who possesses an exaggerated sense of self-worth, is unable to handle criticism or perceived ‘attacks’ on his self-worth. They often become angry because of these perceived attacks and typically lash out in revenge. The narcissist’s ego is out of proportion and so are his or her reactions. Real or perceived disrespect or rejection brings an immediate hostile reaction known as Narcissistic Rage. The urge for vengeance runs deeply through the narcissist’s blood. Revenge is as prehistoric as life in the caves…it is an act of retaliation for a perceived wrong or injury—time for payback. Yet for a narcissist it is a major influence on his behavior and can be evoked for even the smallest slight.

The relationship between narcissism and revenge is as complex as the personalities of the narcissists themselves. One narcissist may be insulted and seek revenge because of a gesture or word that was not even intended as criticism, while another may only respond in a vengeful manner to direct criticism (constructive or not). The relationship between narcissism and revenge also varies in the methods used for vengeance. Some may simply attempt to devalue the achievements of the alleged attacker, others will socially undermine them, yet others may fly into a narcissistic rage and attempt to cause physical harm.

Beneath the narcissist’s aura of charm, friendliness and expert social graces, he or she has a dark side apparent to those who live with him or her. Nobody says “No” to the narcissist—unless they want to be the recipient of extreme retribution. Narcissists have very rigid personality structures that do not change. They have unyielding wills of steel; they insist they are always right, their way is the only way, and anyone who dares to challenge them will be discarded or severely punished. The narcissist plays dirty; he or she is a street fighter. They are masters of finding weak spots and vulnerabilities of their ‘opponents’ (anyone who defies them or thinks for themselves) and know exactly where and how to turn the screws. Most people are intimidated by the power and force of the narcissistic personality.

Narcissism and Revenge Connection

A lab study conducted by Brad Bushman and Roy Baumeister investigated the connection between narcissism and revenge. Students were told that another participant had proclaimed that their essay was “the worst I’ve ever read.” Those who scored high in narcissism then took revenge by acting aggressively against the person who insulted them. Self-esteem didn’t predict who would be more aggressive after an insult, but narcissism did. Another related study found that if the insult was a social rejection, narcissists would also be aggressive toward an innocent person (think Columbine, Virginia Tech, and other shootings).

Why Do They Feel a Need for Revenge?

There are a variety of different psychological theories that purport to explain the connection between narcissism and acts of revenge. Freud posited that the various early traumas in childhood sexual development were responsible for narcissistic personalities that lead to feelings of revenge for perceived wrongs. Other theories describe the narcissist’s need to control his external environment as much as possible. Revenge is aimed at those who attempt to usurp that control and can be seen as an attempt to reassert control.

Another theory suggests that narcissism and its revenge-seeking behaviors tend to develop from a child’s upbringing. Children whose parents gave them excessive praise for even trivial accomplishments tend to handle criticism poorly and respond poorly to a perceived lack of praise. On the other hand, children who receive constant harsh criticism also find it difficult to handle criticism as adults and are likely to perceive attacks in casual comments. These individuals use revenge as a tool to re-establish their self-worth.

Narcissism, Revenge and Divorce

The world of revenge is dark and murky. It is entangled with secrets, of plots to destroy another by revealing private information that will injure another human being, psychologically and emotionally. Narcissistic revenge can become especially ugly during a divorce. He or she will stop at nothing to “win”- whether that is grabbing all financial assets, aggressively moving toward full custody of the children or making direct efforts to destroy the professional and personal reputation of his former partner. During a divorce, the narcissist plots and hatches acts of revenge. One classic ploy is the narcissist’s bullying tactics as he/she convincingly threatens to take their partner down financially and psychologically. Even after the divorce is final, the narcissist often continues the ‘war’. Many narcissists cannot let go, not because they loved their spouse, but because they can’t stop until they have psychologically destroyed the previous partner. Rumor campaigns are ignited to ruin the reputation and social standing of the previous spouse. Threats are made to change custodial agreements, again not because the narcissist wants to have more involvement in his children’s’ lives, but for the sole purpose of upsetting the ex-spouse. One of the more potent ploys of the narcissist is to play the victim role. After destroying his ex-spouse’s self-esteem, indeed-their very life, for decades, he claims that he was the recipient of psychological and emotional pain and that the ex-partner was the perpetrator.

The narcissist will never change and is likely to continue delusional cycles of revenge until he or she finds another opponent. Knowledge and insight into the narcissistic personality and developing strategies to combat their war games will increase the ex-spouse’s confidence and have a positive influence as they move on to re-establishing their lives. They need to do everything in their power to defend themselves in court, to take the assets that they deserve or even a smaller amount if the narcissist is being unfair and ruthless (which is usually the case) so that they can move on to the next phase of their lives. They can avoid further psychological or emotional harm to themselves and their children by not engaging with the narcissist. Understanding the narcissist and learning how to handle his/her tactics of revenge puts them back in control whether they are married to a narcissist, considering a divorce, in the divorce process or post divorce.


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About Alexander Burgemeester

16 Responses to “The Narcissist and Revenge”

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  1. Dana says:

    Amazing that you are describing my life at the moment. Thank god I never married the father of my two children therefore he has no financial obligation to me with the business we were building together, he moved me from the state from which I had a business and support and now I am in a state fighting for custody and at war. It’s amazing when looking at the theory on why he is the way he is. He was over praised by his mother and criticized by his father.
    whew what a combo, tell me, “this too shall pass”, OMG how tragic, (feeling very sorry for myself this morning)

  2. lucy crawford says:

    This article has been so helpful in understand the 4 year separation process I had with my ex-husband who psychiatric report showed him to be narcissistic. Even though I offered him amicability, and a caring, thoughtful process in the mist of his revenge, violence and social persecution of me, including offering him equal settlement and children’s custody, he still took me to court to attempt to get a custody arrangement that no child psychologist in the country would ever agree to. That process wasted huge sums of money, stressed our children immensely, and was all based around revenge. I understand the pattern a lot better now, which was just baffling before! It was absolute hell, as the revenge just drove everything. I’m still recovering and feel very scarred by it.

  3. Karen James says:

    I left my narcissist husband 4 years ago after 21 years of marriage. It got to the stage where no one in the family was able to watch tv without his approval of the program. I was willing to settle for less than 1/4 of the property, but he still wasn’t happy and is taking me to trial. A waste of a lot of money and time. I’m glad that the children are all grown up, but that doesn’t stop him from seeking JUSTICE as he says it. However this word that he uses JUSTICE – puts me on edge. Could he mean something harmful if he’s not happy with the courts decision. He is a very mean and aggressive man. He has over $100,000 in his bank account and living very well, I on the other hand wake up each morning and think “how am I going to feed myself today”. He thinks he has me exactly where he wants me, but after reading this article I know that I have just a little glimmer of hope. I take a deep breath and think ” it’s not long now”. Thank you for putting excellent article out there for those who are desperately looking for answers to find it. It has helped me so much.

  4. kim says:

    l am just getting out of what l am learning now was a 7 year roller coaster relationship with a Narcissist. He would wear me down over and over, come back into my life just as l was moving on in relationships and financially. He ruined me. l lost thousands of dollars to him, with the lie always being when l get work l will pay it back.l lost friends because they saw what l was blind too.l lost respect of my kids because they saw what l refused to see and now they were all right. He took every cent of my savings, gave me an std while stepping out on me time after unknown time. All those times l thought he was at work, he wasn`t which explains now why no money has been returned and never will. l called him on his bluff one day months ago, if he leaves don`t come back and he thought l was lying left and when he came back all his things where outside. l held my ground, blindly thinking he would be back but he had someone on the side,had been bad mouthing me to her for months and went from living rent free and bill free here to living rent free and bill free there. Now l found out he has been depositing money by the 1,000`s has a new work truck she bought him and lm struggling to pay bills and just get back on my feet. Stay away from people like this, they take and take until you have nothing left not even your soul

  5. Afton williams says:

    Thank you so much for your comments. I can not tell you how reading the shared stories is helping me get through my life right now. I am in the middle of a custody battle with a narcissist. He has never been officially diagnosed but after researching I know he is. I have injured him narcissistically really bad by having him arrested and charged with domestic assault. So his revenge for me right now is extraordinary. I am hoping it will all be over soon. The custody war rages on and I just hope the court can see that I truly love my daughter and care for her, and that he is just using her to get at me. Anyways, I’m rambling – thanks for sharing everyone. It helps.

  6. April says:

    The last TEN YEARS of my life, from 29-39, I WASTED completely with This Narcissistic, or Borderline, or BiPolar…BUT ABSOLUTELY MANIPULATIVE and COMPULSIVE and incredibly believable liar. I knew him 15 years before our relationship began, and I KNEW he was a womanizing opportunist. Yet, reunited 6 years later, I became that woman who beleived I WAS THE ONE this gorgeous man would commit and be loyal to. He used my trust in him as a friend with such skill that not only did he continue the lie of separated…then,putting her thru school so we have more to support the family I want with YOU, then, I cant leave my daughter until she is off to college. ..she was 6 when he told me I was his true love. So, shes 15, and what if she stays home for college. Im almost 40 now and probably wont be able to have a child, AND found out how many OTHERs there have been, th latest being a 21yr old stipper who he got pregnant and blamed it on his son,. And after 10yrs he just disappeared. Quite sure his 46yr old self very taken to a 21 year old who gives her money to “daddy’. P.s. His wife is still there, after several talks with me, among many other infidelities he commited, to her and perhaps wrongly, I say me as well.
    This man took me to his wifes bed lying about her, and I realized recently he did the same to me. And expresses NO remorse, apology or even a conversation on the phone to at least provide closure, even a “hey…I found something better…bye”

  7. Joanne says:

    My narcissist husband is divorcing me. He is claiming I psychologically abused him etc. i simply got fed up and made it clear I was fed up. My lawyer is going after spousal support for cruelty/desertion. My husband told me to leave him alone and not to text him. He has been gone a month and a half and has not had any contact with me for about a week now. Before that there was no contact for one month. Can anyone tell me what to expect from him once he finds out about the spousal support? He actually thought I would just sign divorce papers and be done with it after 12 years of marriage.

    • Lil never sail says:

      Hello Joanne. My daughters father was bringing hand written notes to friend of the court for years without my knowledge. My copied counterfeited signature was on these documents erasing his arrearages 300 dollars at a time. To the tune of ten thousand dollars. By the time I discovered this was happening he was almost done paying child support.
      I took him to court and got treated like a greedy pig. His lawyer told the judge I just didn’t want the gravy train to stop. Didn’t matter that he forged my name on documents that NEVER should have been accepted in the first place. Judge asked me why I waited so long to address this. I said I didn’t know it was happening and foc was supposed to be protecting me.
      not only that but when I did ask questions about my case file I was treated like complete dirt. Who knows the stories he sold to these women that worked there but had been doing it for years. Abuse by proxy. Triangulation.
      This man has been working a case against you the whole time you’ve known him. Even when he was love bombing you he was telling friends family coworkers of your abuses. Making himself look like the victim right off the bat cause he knew what his intentions were for you.
      since he initiates his own abandonment he works his preemptive strike right away. You are the enemy. The best defense is a good offense.
      Every woman he encounters will be destroyed. They hate women. Do alot of research and empower yourself to know this man is not human. He’s a predator. Godless. A soul eater. And if he’s asking you to leave him alone run far away. Its a gift from god to take back your life.

  8. Anguished says:

    My niece was brutally beaten and criticized by her mentally-ill mother till the child turned on the mother in her early teens, driving her mother to suicide. It was a h*llish time. Subsequently, the father had no idea how to take care of her. He put her into a psych unit where they declared she was developmentally-arrested at age 10. That was a kind way of saying she had narcissistic personality disorder. This child did everything possible to get into trouble. Her father died a few years later, leaving her the house, property, etc. which she promptly lost to creditors, who forced a sale to get money owed them. That left her homeless. She never finished high school, and had two children, both of whom had to be removed from her “care.” She potty-trained the first one by forcing his head into a toilet, and, having government support, allowed the second one to run wild and to be beaten by a homeless man she allowed to live with her. She was arrested for assaulting a witness to a crime she committed, and whined about being in jail till I moved heaven and earth to get her released. She drove drunk, eluding arrest, at age 20, catapulting off an overpass and requiring intensive care for months.
    Life with her has been an ongoing stressor. We have helped her, moved her belongings from here to there (she has lived in 17 different places in the past 20 years). She is never grateful, or appreciative. She cons people into thinking she is a delight.
    A few months ago, she discarded me because her son told me he did not want to see her because it was boring and annoying. She flew into a rage, called the police one night at 4 am, and trashed my gardens, destroying an especially valuable plant. The police actually rang the doorbell at 4:30 am because she had called them to say her child was being abused. Of course, it was a lie–he is never abused here–and the police were rather sheepish when they discovered, of course, that we were all asleep. Duh.
    The saga goes on and on. She is moving again, out of my neighborhood and to a different town nearby. It has been a nightmare.

  9. Denise says:

    This article and these comments are very comforting. They reflect why i’ve been separated for years, but don’t have a divorce. He has tried to ruin my reputation, telling everyone I’m crazy. His charm is wearing thin as he gets older though and what I found is I finally don’t care what he or his weirdo church friends think. Fine. I’m the devil incarnate. Leave me be, then. But he doesn’t. He plays the martyr and makes it look like I need him. I know that even divorcing him, he will not stop at trying to destroy me. That’s been his hobby all these years. Somehow he thinks if I look bad, he somehow looks better. How does that work exactly? Mine doesn’t have that sexual charm that many of them do, so I think unless some woman seeks him out, he’ll be content to be the “perfect” father in order to show the kids how much better of a parent he is. Who does that? Kids need both their mothers and their fathers. Well, maybe not when one of them only cares about himself, but they’ll have to figure that out. My husband was raised by a narcissistic and he has a lot of injury from it, but he turned on his mother (who played doormat) and he still believes his father is perfect. It’s frightening his lack of insight.

  10. Joan says:

    My sister is the holy terror in our family–and has been for three years. After a “holiday” with her and my mother–during which time she went on an Ativan/alcohol binge–I (literally) went from being her best friend to her worst enemy when I suggested that No, Mom and I didn’t hide your beer . . . you must have done something with it. She escalated out of control in anger for the next three days, and not only wrecked the garage door by taking the car out when drunk, she stated her intention to commit suicide (twice).

    When she had locked herself in her room and I called 911, I became the Great Satan in her life. She has since spent the past three years diligently trying to destroy my reputation. Lies, projection, sheer psychotic fantasy, bullying, ranting about me on social media, talking about how terrible I am to absolutely anyone who will listen; trying to blacken my name to relatives; regular e-mail attacks (which now also include my mother and brother, because they believe me. My Mom was there. She knows) . . .

    She even manipulated a psychologist that my Mom and I had seen after she threatened my mothers life, and he–as a result of her lying–denied saying the things that he did–indeed–tell us the day we visited him. (As my sister had been established as a danger to my mother, the fact that he agreed to see her at all was, in my opinion, unethical, and I believe he created an inappropriate multiple relationship) Both her–and his–betrayal has been unbearable and while I live across the country from her, my Mom lives but a few blocks away from her, so I’m never free of of the hell that is my sister. I am concerned for my mother, because I truly believe my sister capable of killing her.

    I rarely respond to her e-mail attacks, since I know them to be her attempt to get a “fix,” but that doesn’t stop the emotional battering that never ends . . .

  11. no more says:

    I am a daughter if a Narcissistic Mother. After 40 years I had enough this Christmas when she threw one of her tantrums, then preceded to call my teenage son (aspergers) a fxxn slow, told him he has ruined everyone’s lives and that if his Poppy ever had anything terminal that he would come and get rid of him fir good!! Disgusting doesn’t even describe that!! Now, days later (I have limited contact to almost nil) her latest threat (because I won’t let her mind my 3 yr old now) is that she is going to contact services, my ex (hasn’t had contact since youngest was 2 months old)/his parents etc and say that my Aspergers son is a danger to youngest, blah blah and more. My dad is her enabler and my 3 older siblings ALL did no contact over 15 years ago. They cut me too cos I was the so-called golden child. I can’t recall my mum singing to me, reading a book with me…never a maternal, loving bond. Her tantrums are volcanic….I fear what’s to come!

  12. Melissa says:

    I have been in divorce now for over 2 years with a complete narcissist. He beat me and tried to rape me on his way out after finding an email he didn’t care for. He is absolutely the most manipulative person I have ever met. He has conned more people than anyone can count. He has more judgements than should ever be allowed. He has changed his business name at least 12 times yet he walks free. He has waged war on me. Dragging me through court. Manipulating the system. Brainwashing at least one of my 4 children. The pain never seems to end. He files motion after motion and the court listens. He has been arrested 6 times, me never, yet he has somehow convinced my 11 year old son and law guardian that he is the victim. Will this ever end???

  13. Human says:

    Tragically, the embarrassment of having been the target of bullying, along with feeling all alone, often keeps victims quiet about what happened to them, which then further obscures the machinations of the abusers and results in more people being victimized by them. If people realized that many others can relate to and understand their undeserved miserable experiences, they could network, mutually support each other, and expose predators to reduce their ability to destroy the lives of others.

    Join the resistance. Tell your story. Truth is on our side.

    • Rose says:

      I believe all those courageous individuals that have survived a relationship with a Narcissist will bome stronger and more resilient in time. N’s groom their victims.
      Initially your N makes you feel oh so special. You will do anything for your N. They soak up the heaps of praise and adulation you pile on them…preening themselves in frontvod the mirror “ALARM BELLS SHOULD HAVE RUNG THEN”
      Their daily phone calls and text messages reinforce your love for them…they are so attentive…they’ve got ya…hook line and sinker.
      Then the nastiness….the mentioning of other women…this throws you of balance. The phone calls stop abruptly. You phone them and it’s like you’re communicating with a stranger.
      Then the personal criticisms start. Other odd behaviour including moodiness…getting cross if you don’t do what’s asked of you….they will suck your resourcefulness and finances but rarely contribute,to anything.
      Worst to follow are the mind games…arriving late. Thus makes you feel anxious which gives them some kind of thrill….Same thing with texts…They will not answer them in a timely way…will read and ignore.
      They are accomplished liars and believe it is their entitlement to be treated like a god….even though their victims become their doormats.
      Psychologists state that you should not think you can change a Narcissist….you can’t!
      Best advice which is echoed throughout all the blogs is to try and leave the relationship before you lose your sanity … DITTO

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