The Narcissist and Intimacy

Narcissist and IntimacyIf you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may find that the relationship is less intimate than you thought it was. It is probably intense, time-consuming, long-lasting, and uses a great deal of your mental energy—but intense is not the same as intimate. An important test of intimacy is to ask yourself the following questions: “is this relationship a safe haven where I feel loved and accepted for being me?” and “do I trust the other person and do they trust me?”  If you cannot answer ‘yes’ to both of those questions, read on.

A narcissist can be extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy… and he will turn it on and off at his pleasure. He may run hot and cold- going in and out of being highly somatic and needing a sex partner. When he’s needy, he offers intimations of intimacy that are very appealing and hard to resist. It’s easy for his partner to think this time he’ll be different, but… he’ll go back to being selfish immediately once he’s got his gratification. Narcissists are the ultimate users.

Fear of Intimacy

People with personality disorders are fearful of real, mature intimacy. Mind you, intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace, in a neighborhood, with friends, or while collaborating on a project. Intimacy requires emotional involvement; it is the result of interactions with others in constant and predictable (safe) close relationships.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder interpret intimacy as codependence, emotional strangulation, and the demise of freedom. They are terrified by it and avoid it; their self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors are intended to tear apart the very foundation of a successful relationship, career, project, or friendship. Narcissists feel elated and relieved after they unshackle these ‘chains’. Narcissists are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their treatment of others. Their abusive behavior is usually offhanded and absent-minded, although when they feel threatened or are in the devaluation process their behavior can be calculated and premeditated.

Emotional intimacy occurs when we share ourselves deeply with another person. Mutual trust is required in order to feel safe and secure with another person. Narcissists are not able to truthfully share or trust. Some narcissists are truly gifted at pretending and appearing emotionally invested in you. They are often unusually attentive in the beginning, idealizing you, and offering to meet all of your needs and more. Narcissists can appear to be exceptionally sincere and many people fall for this act.

Development of Intimacy

We learn to be emotionally intimate when we are very young children. It begins with a secure, loving attachment to a parent. The child who feels securely attached is able to express his\her feelings openly without shame or fear. The parent is in tune with the child and able to comfort him when he is frightened, confused or angry.  As a result of psychological needs being met by a parent, the child learns to trust others and feel secure about himself as a person. Mothers of narcissists are not good parents; they reward the child, whom they regard as special and superior, as long as he/she reflects the desired parental image. These children are highly praised, and prized, in the narcissistic family- not for who they genuinely are- but for fulfillment of the wishes or dreams of the narcissistic parent. As a result, the narcissist never learns in early childhood how to become emotionally intimate. Because he is not loved for being his real self, the narcissist never learns to relate to himself on a deep emotional level nor can he reciprocate any real affection or love for another.

Consider friendship with the narcissist as another example of a relationship. You cannot truly get to know a narcissist friend. You cannot be genuine friends with the narcissist for all the reasons above. Plus narcissists are addicts. They are in constant pursuit of gratification, known as”narcissistic supply”.  Everything and everyone around them is an object, a potential source of narcissistic supply (to be idealized) or not a source (to be cruelly discarded).

Narcissists can be happily married… to compliant, subservient, self-deprecating and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also can be happily married to masochists. However, a healthy, normal person would not be happy in an intimate-less narcissistic relationship.

Intimacy versus Intensity

Many partners of individuals with NPD confuse intimacy and intensity. Real intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are intimate (we don’t mean sex here) reveal personal vulnerabilities without fear that what they share will be used against them. Intimacy relies on feeling safe, mutuality, endurance, respect and no secrets. Without healthy self-disclosure at the right time, there can be no intimacy. And that takes honesty about who we are and how we feel. Narcissists are unable to be honest with themselves, let alone other people.

Intensity on the other hand, has to do with secrecy, lack of trust, high drama, fear and disrespect. Intensity with a narcissist is spent in fantasy, the cycle of idealization and devaluation, bitter arguments followed up by apologies and make-up sex. Sharing our deepest selves as a part of mutual sharing is fundamental to a sustained, mutually satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t allow themselves to know their own vulnerabilities or feelings so they are unable to share with others.

Another factor that makes intimacy possible in a healthy relationship is being able to see both the good and bad traits of the partner at the same time. Again, this is not something narcissists can do. In their world, everything is black or white, good or bad (splitting).

Sex versus Intimacy

In a recent issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, University of Florida researchers found that narcissists are fixated on sexual gratification rather than enduring intimacy. (That’s probably not a surprise to anyone in a narcissistic relationship). Narcissists are more likely to have a history of short-term sexual conquests compared to people who consider commitment the most important aspect of a relationship. “Narcissists have a heightened sense of sexuality, but they tend to view sex very differently than other people do; they see sexuality more in terms of power, influence and as something daring, in contrast to people with low narcissistic qualities who associated sex more with caring and love.” The results of another study showed that highly narcissistic people were 50 times more likely to view sexual intercourse as a way of increasing their own sexual pleasure, rather than complementing partner intimacy.

In summary, people with NPD are not capable of genuine intimacy but rather seek to get their “fix” of constant compliments, admiration and respect for being a ‘superior’ person. There are only two kinds of people in the narcissist’s life-those who are better than him (whom he envies) and those who are worse (whom he degrades in order to feel better about himself). There are no intimate, genuine relationships. 



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About Alexander Burgemeester

39 Responses to “The Narcissist and Intimacy”

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  1. Angela Baxter says:

    Could you include a page on your site (or site map) that shows a listing of all the articles both yours and the random reads. I always feel like I’m missing something and would like a way to see the articles in a listing format by article name and date to better keep track of those I’ve read, missed or is new. Thanks, Love the articles. They’re like reading a description by someone who has known all the things he’s done and said. Uncanny.

  2. a garcia says:

    This was a great article.. I terminated a 9 year relationship with a narcissist..It was no picnic..He went on to a new woman and married her in 6 weeks.. I felt used but never loved..I felt I couldn’t do enough for this person..One more trait to be aware of in the new relationship in the far future…

  3. John Denholm says:

    I have a NPD sibling. Is it possible for her to be in a mutually satisfactory relationship with an NPD male?

  4. Beth says:

    You were so spot on with this article. You described my 10 yrs N ex to a T. It was the most intense relationship of my life and the most confusing. Hottest sex but usually because it was make up sex or somehow dirty. It was a roller coaster like no other. It almost made me physically sick not to mention the emotional stress. The constant devalue and discards which went in few year cycles. The worst was him not wanting to let go and manipulating me to be friends so he could mind f**k me. I finally gained the courage to go no contact. It saved my life.

    • April says:

      Everything you wrote here Beth is my life to a T. Mind f**k has become my new word. It is exactly what they do. I changed my phone number today and I feel so relieved that it is over. Blocked him from emailing and on Facebook. I’m sad as hell but I will rise again. Knowing he can’t call me and therefore I won’t be weak once again and take the call feels so good. I had become physically sick like you said and my stress level is thru the roof. I hope you are doing OK.

      • Beth says:

        I hope you are staying strong April. These energy vampires have taken enough from us. They are spiritually bankrupt and giving them access to us gives them a chance to extract supply from us any way they can. Usually as friends the mind f*****g is their primary tool. Gaslighting, triangulation and chaos will get in there too. Trust me trying to be his friend prolonged the agony. They are no ones friend!

      • Beth says:

        And yes doing fine. New guy…no drama. Feels weird to not have drama but nice and peaceful 🙂 hope you are well…

      • xuquinha says:

        I feel exactly luke tou. Unfriended my N as well as all of his friends on FB and also went No Contact. Although I sill have so much rage in me for the 2,5 years of wasted love and attention, I have to force myself to try and date. I never feel anything for anyone anymore, and this too frustrates me because I feel his invisible hand still controlling and manipulating my life. It’s so frustrating.

      • christe says:

        know just how you feel.. me too
        stay strong

  5. Aine says:

    It’s a very interesting thing to be able to compare the previous, abusive relationship with a narcissist with a new one. After long years spent in a kind of high-voltage state, feeling used to some degree, feeling distrustful (triangulation that causes more intensity which the N craves) and emotionally paralyzed I found myself in a new relationship after splitting with my N ex. It really DOES feel different, it feels warm, safe and sweet. Even the initial phase, which normally is quite intense, felt so much different. Previous relationship was lacking intimacy and trust from the beginning to the very end.

    • Beth says:

      I think once you get into a normal relationship that is not with an N disordered you realize just how dysfunctional your relationship was. It feels safe and steady. Your stomach is actually not in knots. I never want to go back yo that dark place and thank a God I am out of it. Free to love someone who loves me back. Feels good!

      • ken says:

        My girlfriend has and still wants control over the sex we have.I’m often the object of her imagination. She wants to role play she says ,but I’m always the person that doesn’t feel comfortable, I feel used.

        At times I go to visit her and she’s in bed in the middle of the day.She had invited me over for dinner but accuses me of just wanting sex.

        She often accuses me of wanting other women or that I want to go back with an x lover and she had seen all the woman on my cell contact list.Actually two woman,my daughter and my sister.Just the opposite with her,she has several men on her contact list and she expresses that what”I’m not allowed to have male friends”.
        Thanks for your cumn and everyone for sharing.I’m trying again today to slip away.

      • Charlotte says:

        It was draining for me living with a narcissist. Never knowing on my way home from work if he was going to be okay or not. His rages were something else. His constant manipulative ways and the lies he told to people about me. He was always worse on special occasions like Christmas, New Years and any celebrations. He would never cuddle up with me on the sofa or in bed he was pure cold. Any achievement I ever had he had done better. Any thing he ever did for me which was rare was always thrown back in my face. His parasitic lifestyle with money, he never had respect for any of my possessions. They tend to be drifters so I am sure he will already be set up with the next poor woman who will have all my sympathy.

        • Broken. says:

          You just described my present life. Sometimes I just don’t want to wake up another day. He ruined Christmas. I tried so hard this year. It to let him. But he raged at me in front of our 5 year old little boy. And the things he said were so horrible. I will forever hate that my Son had to hear him say those things to his mommy. I laid in bed Christmas Eve and cried myself to sleep alone. And cried most of yesterday. He broke me. He won. And last night after he knew he had me at rock bottom he swooped in being sorry and wanting forgiveness. Tonight wanted sex, soon as he could see he wasn’t getting it it was His feelings were immediately shut off. I don’t think I’ve ever been so depressed. And if I left him my little boys heart would be broken. And I’m afraid of how he would try and turn my Son against me. I can’t let that happen. I’m not leaving. I just have to learn to ride above his madness. Somehow. 😢

  6. amy says:

    Weve been married 47 years and we had sex once! That was on our wedding night then nothing. I never understood the workings of his mind.
    We’re now way past the age of sex but it would be nice to cuddle, kiss, hold hands but no that’s not happening.
    So for all these years he’s lived his life in the basement and worked the midnight shift so he wouldn’t have to be home with me. From day one he said sex was ugly, messy, smelly, vile no big deal, did nothing for him, couldn’t understand what humans saw in sex. He told me that he didn’t ever want sex again and it hasn’t ever happened again.
    I thought he was gay or into p**n but he isn’t I’ve had him followed so many times. These people told me he was boring! And even he was gay I would know he loved some one.
    At 69 now I still visit my shrink, and continue to hate all males.

    • Tom says:

      I am sorry Amy. I am dealing with the same stuff from my wife. To tell the truth, I just want her to go away. I have realized she won’t change and things won’t get better.

    • Joe says:

      Thanks for reminding me of why I am a misogynist.

  7. Charlotte says:

    I have just come out of a relationship with a Narcissist. In the beginning I was love bombed he was always complimented me and there was lots of good sex. Then later on he used everything I ever told him in confidence against me, any fall outs with anyone was always my fault, constantly being told I was the abusive one, finding out about lies he told about me to others, shouting at me to intermediate me and making threats to me. On an intimacy level I found out he was a swinger and when I expressed my opinion that I couldn’t agree with that nor could I agree with it being okay to keep videos and photographs of previous woman in our family home I was accused of being a prude. He could not see my point of view. One thing I always found strange was that he never wanted to cuddle up on the sofa and he would NEVER cuddle up in bed. He had his own quilt and wrapped himself in it with his back to me.

    • sarah says:

      wow.Charlotte ,that was like reading about my life with my ex.At first we were friends ,and it was he who quickly declared he felt more for me ,that he loved me.
      The whole “love bombing” was so spot on.He sent letters ,emails ,texts ,and soon we were in a fully intimate relationship.I was so happy ,and thought I`d found my soulmate.
      he was gentlemanly at first ,seemed appauled at my previous abusive partner ,and how I was treated sexually.This was the worst betrayal actually.Confiding in him ,only for him to use it against me ,when his mask started slipping.He`d insist I did the things he now knew I was scared of ,and I`d experience the long silences if I refused trying to tell him ,Remember how I said this made me feel>That got the response ,You obviously don`t really care for me ,or you`d WANT to please me..
      this went on for 18 months ,the red flags were there from the start I realise now.I just refused to believe the sweet sensitive(or so I thought) ,gentle man could or would treat me so badly I became an emotional wreck and physically ill.
      before finally splitting ,he raped me whilst I slept/I was becoming terrified/at first ,I`m ashamed to admit I wanted us to remain friends..this was mostly via email ,where STILL he controlled me.One “nice” message was always followed by a nasty one ,where he`d blame me for out relationship becoming ,what he called a “joke”.I am gutted ,struggling to get over him ,and what he reduced me to.I wish everyone well ,and a happier future and thankyou for sharing your stories too.It helps so much to know I`m not alone with this ,and ,no ,it really Wasn’t MY fault ,whatever he may say//

      • Broken. says:

        I’m loving this hell right now and I feel alone. Everyone around me thinks he’s so wonderful. He ruined Christmas. I tried. It to let him. But I failed. He won. Now he’s telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is. And this was my response.

        Well this is what Ive tried to believe for going on 8 years, that you really do live me, until Friday night happens and I have your loud voice screaming in my ear in a tone that’s so filled with rage and hate for me , for everything that i am, like every fiber of my being disgusts you. And I hear it over and over again, all day long, as I asleep, when I wake up. And I see you looking at me with so much anger in your cold dark eyes calling me a b***h. Saying f**k you, I’m a user, you wish I was a man so u could smash my head through a window, saying words that make me feel worthless and vile and meaningless in every sense of ten word. All while my Son sits in the backseat staring into the front in silence absorbing every last word when all he should ever see and feel is love and kindness. Then we pull in and you send me off with a “now go be with your family”. And I have to walk in with a stomach in knots, a heart so shattered with pain and sadness I can barely catch my breath. Hands shaking and sweaty. Eyes fighting with every blink the river of tears that want to flow through them as I say hello with a smile and say Merry Christmas, as I feel my Moms arms wrap around me and hug me, how desperately I just want to lay in her arms and cry like a baby and have her hold me like when I was a little girl and tell me everything is going to be okay, but I can’t, and it literally kills me inside, but I have to just keep smiling. I go to bed wishing I was snuggled up on the couch with someone who adored me and cherished me and couldn’t let me go even for a second or can stop staring into my eyes telling me how lucky he is to spend his Christmas with me Instead I lay with soaked tissues in both hands crying so hard that I can’t stop, it hurts too much to stop. That I’m not worthy. That I’ve never been enough. That I’m not worth it. I’m not worthy to be show love. The choice of enduring another day feeling unworthy and hurt in my heart and not waking up in the morning so i don’t have to feel the heartache anymore seems like a very obvious answer. But then you think of the hurt it would leave behind. And you could never do that. No matter how badly you don’t want to carry the hurt around any longer. So I carry it. And it’s heavy. It’s misery. Under the smiles and shell of acting like your life’s just fine, the picture i have to portray to the world outside of my rivers I almost drown in from my tears of sadness when part of me just wants to sink and go under and not come back up. Is that my only choice that will give me happiness and peace? To die? When all I wanted was to be in this world, and be loved and cherished by someone.

        All I wanted was to be happy on Christmas. To feel loved. And all I got was swollen eyes and an beaten up heart I have to try and put back together. Again. 💔

    • Mar says:

      Yes! -“he never wanted to cuddle up on the sofa and he would NEVER cuddle up in bed”. This happened to be the first sign that I overlooked. Thank you.

  8. Christine says:

    I found out mine was cheating on me since day 1…….with many different woman but one was from our past 30 years ago, he took loans out with her…..there is so much more I found a hot tub at one of his appartment buildings, that he was making p***o movied of prostitutes while in the hot tube…….I took him to a lawyer and a month later he was diagnosed with lung cancer, I stayed and went through surgery and chemo with him,for our childrens sake mostly…..he continued his relationships only he got a track phone, now a year and a half later the lung cancer is back, how about “when a narc is going to die?” I would love to see this topic covered……sigh….I am still here for my 4 kids, he makes me sick, but I am not leaving my shildren to deal with this…….

  9. Heather says:

    Ok in the beginning before his mask came off we had a GREAT sex life! He wanted it ALOT and had stamina THEN when he started showing true colors sex stopped COMPLETELY and when i would of course bring it up he had a way of just not answering! unfortunatly we were married! i was so confused my self esteem was gone i really thought he was gay! then i found he was addicted to p**n which i hate and rather do that then have the real thing he continued to compliment me on how beautiful i was but when we were together after the i do’s and mask came off its like he was so shy and selfish he would not last more then 3 minutes and never satisfied my needs and i did discuss this bluntly and no change so weird to me i told him that this wasnt normal and im a healthy 35 yr old women and that he cant expect me to live this way! and if he didnt change i was going to have no choice but to step outside the marriage i was very honest. So i did and told him he never stopped bashing me for cheating and i would say i told u first we discussed it u ignored me etc…. like talking to the wall! my ex husband is the definition of a Narcissist i grieved him like he was dead when his mask came off i just wanted the man i married and loved i did not know about Narcs at this time it took me 7 yrs to finally leave for good i fell out of love but i stayed because he stripped me of all my independence and made me financially dependent on him and i do not have any family he is a Monster a Grown Bully Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde!

    • Jennifer says:

      I’m in a similar situation after I became pregnant he began to withhold sex also how devastating to a woman’s self esteem always heard excuses . The more I complained the more he withdrew. I kicked him out last night this is day one but I’ve been aware for a few months now to what he really is a sociopath . I’m glad to hear u r free ! It gives me hope that I can do this too !! I know u don’t know me but ty for your post it made me realize I’m not the only more and makes me feel not so alone . Take care !

  10. Deborah says:

    I really enjoy reading these comments. Thank you.
    I have been w/ a narc who I am sure has SNPD.
    We have been married for 19 yrs. & in a relationship
    for 25 yrs. unhappily to say the least. It feels good to know that I am not alone. The love/hate behavior
    is mentally exhausting! He is constantly threatening me to do what he says. He says I’m
    crazy & I need help! He is trying to force me to go
    get help so he can use it against me…again.
    I am very empathic & he tries to hurt me but I am past that! Stover it! This experience has made me stronger. Thanks for reading. Have a happy day!

  11. Bella says:

    Four years I have been with him.. Im crying my eyes out tonight, because I realuze this is what I have been going through, like all of you.. I couldn’t make sense of it, I thought it was me. Im a empathetic person who loves to the fullest

    This Monster and I mean Monster, because thats what they are Nars….sucked the life out of me ..IHe showed me love and passion and within 11 months backed away.. Pull me back..degrade me .. I wish I new this before I met him

    I feel so angry.. I helped him in everyway.. Picked him up out of yhe cutter.. All the lies cheating..They make you geel like your crazy..all I want is revange.. Thwre users. and wete kus t object s. I wish thwre was a website.. I could post his name to warn other women

    Who he distroys.. I van only wish..I have the power toove forward…

    Thank you for all of t jesr great post..

  12. Bella says:

    Four years I have been with him.. Im crying my eyes out tonight, because I realize this is what I have been going through, like all of you.. I couldn’t make sense of it, I thought it was me. Im a empathetic person who loves to the fullest

    This Monster and I mean Monster, because thats what they are Nars….sucked the life out of me ..he showed me love and passion and within 11 months backed away.. And would Pull me back..degrade me .. I wish I knew wjat a Narc was, before I met him

    I feel so angry.. I helped him in everyway.. Picked him up out of the cutter.. All the lies cheating..blaming and screaming at sounds like this one of thier traits, they make you feel like your crazy..All I want is revange.

    users. and wete kus t object s. I wish there was a web
    . I could post his name to warn other women before he distroys them. I can only wish..I have the power to move forward…

    Thank you for all of t jesr great post..

  13. Cornelius says:

    Have been out of a half year relationship with a Narc girlfriend for over three months now and by now almost healed. Love bombing in the beginning felt great, I fell for it, but although she rushed into sex real quick I never really got it going, it just lacked the necessary intimacy to me. I love to feel the sexual excitement of a woman, I love to arouse and satisfy it, but she seemed very distant and ice cold, it was just physical, so it just didn’t turn me on. When I asked her about her secret desires, she told me not to ask and just get it on, and when I started, gently, loving, caring, everything I did was wrong. It’s like telling jokes to someone who has no humor and as a response just learned to fake laughing, or if someone desperately tries to be funny by just reading jokes from a list without understanding them but expecting you to applaud. It’s like having sex with a prostitute who just fakes to be attracted to you while you know everything she wants is your money. I wonder why so many people seem to fall for it, but for me Narc sex was the worst sex I ever had.

    Unnecessary to mention that everything was my fault, I can’t have good sex because I’m not a real man. That was the hardest part to get over, but now I see it that Narcs can only take and never give. They can’t love you, you have to love them and they fake to love you back. They don’t desire you, you have to desire them and they fake to desire you back. They can’t turn you on, you have to turn them on and they’ll fake to be aroused, just to make you desire them even more and get it on with them, which will give them a hell of lot of Narc supply, plus your exposed secrets. Glad I’m out of that, and looking forward to having a relationship with a REAL woman.

  14. san says:

    Curious…is there any correlation to BDSM Dominants and Narcissism? Would appreciate a response.

  15. Tianna Evans says:

    Dear Everyone who has experienced the pain of a narcissistic relationship, I just want you all to know that I appreciate you all because I know what kind of beautiful people you are. You are a loving, generous, giving, helpful, compassionate, understanding, tolerant, beautiful person. I wish we weren’t the prey of narcissists, but we are because we are the only ones loving enough to give them what they need. But just know that knowledge is power. We should spread the word, tell people about what real narcissism is. Inform other beautiful, generous, loving people. Educate your children and tell young people your storys. I did not know what a narcissist was until I was hurt by one (my Ex). Desperate and so confused I searched for an answer. It was actually my Ex who gave me the answer when I was confiding in him (over the phone) about my mother who also has mental/emotional issues, my Ex told me to google sociopath as he was labelling my mother as one. I realised that day after reading all of the traits of a sociopath that many of them correlated with my Ex, and so I kept searching and found narcissism. My point is EDUCATE if everyone knew what a narcissist really was they would have no supply and there for, would have to change their ways or be bred out of society. I am grateful at least that I have learnt a valuable lesson. And also know that, in the end, everyone will get what they deserve. You don’t need revenge because one day when the narcissist has come to the end of their life they will realise who they are it will be a very sad day for them, and not to mention the suffering their life has given them, since childhood. I do feel sorry for them, but will still always keep my distance.

    I also think it’s important for us loving souls to learn assertiveness. We need boundaries!
    Be Strong, Beautiful People!

  16. Sarah C says:

    Is it possible for someone to be partially narcassist? My husband does it all but the mean abuse. No sex, lil lies even when the proof is in front of him. Empty promises. And his excuse is always because I didn’t give him enough time to show me change, love, intimacy. I’ve begged and sobbed for even just a drop of effort. I take care of it all! Financially, around the house… He stays in bed. I’ve even caught him talking bad about me behind my back. He’s so two faced! Even after I fall apart I don’t even get consoled! But I adore him so much. I am just waiting for something.anything a reason to have enough reason to leave because I love him so I need that. I don’t want to feel like I made a mistake.

  17. Monica says:

    Omg, this article sum it all.
    2 years i’ve been with him, i always feel there is a missing puzzle.
    There’s always an emptiness .

    Thxyou thxyouu so much for this article.
    So i can move on with my life without being guilty.

  18. Mel says:

    I have gone NC with the ex narcissist because I can’t take any more lies. I was only with him 6 months but he turned my world upside down. Everything about him was fake. How he owned his own home didn’t, had a brand new car which he said he had purchased but it belonged to a family member, had thousands in the bank, been there, done that all lies the man is delusional. No more narcissistic men for me I’m done with them and I will be very careful next time I date someone to look for the signs. Take care everyone because these predators are everywhere. Mel xxxxx

  19. Georgie Porgie says:

    What made me leave the man who was wonderful to look at, and always entertaining, was the fact that he refused to kiss me or hold hands, even when we were alone watching a movie. Sex was like “hooker sex” with no kissing at all. When he did give me a dry kiss when he left the house, it was like he was kissing a nun.

    I will say that something seemed seriously “off” and missing in the relationship, especially when he had technically OK, but mechanica and impersonal, sex with me for about a minute and a half, got me off and rolled over and went to sleep. I should thank him for that humiliating and lonely experience because it was the beginning of the end.

    I do give him credit for dropping hints that I didn’t get at the time like the story about the snake that had been run over by a car and left in the middle of the road. Some nice person rescued it, and nurtured back to health. Then, one day the snake bit him and the person asked the snake why he would do this to him when he had helped him so much. The snake just looked at him and said, “You knew I was a snake when you picked me up. What did you expect?”

    I have gone no contact with him, not that I think he cares one way or the other. This has been a horrible experience for me and I’ve cried buckets. It gives me strength to stay away from him, and I intuitively know that I’ll be alright with the passage of time.

    This is important to know: I think male narcissists are dedicated masturbators and p**n addicts. This is why they aren’t interested in sex with their girlfriends or wives. They’ve already taken care of themselves sexually and don’t need them as women. So, ladies, their secret is out. Don’t feel bad. It’s not you, it’s them. Their favorite thing is to be intimate with themselves, not anyone else.

    • Mel says:

      ‘Hi in reply to your post I think your dead right about them being p**n addicts and serial masturbators. I know the one I was with certainly had a penchant for p**n.No doubt he masturbated regularly because I never had sex with him. He told me he had more respect for me than to just jump into bed with me ha they don’t know the meaning of respect.Mel x

  20. Lynn says:

    With the reading I’ve been doing, I am now sure I am in a relationship with a narcissist. Among many other signs, he is obsessed with bondage. He talks constantly about it and searches it online daily. He also lays on an endless guilt trip as I refuse to engage in this. Is this a sexual trait of a narcissist?

    • Alexander Burgemeester says:

      It is hard to make a diagnose of someone based on 1 simple thing. There are many people obsessed with bondage who are not a Narc. And the ‘Guilt Game’ is a pretty popular one among many adults. As long as he shows empathy I don’t believe he instantly is a Narc. Good luck with it, I hope you both find your way

  21. Survivor says:

    @Broken :

    I can imagine your pain. I read your write-up ovr and over and i have gon thru something simmilar. I hope that you are feeling much better now. Incase, you are still with the N, please, consider moving out. there is no survival, for as long as you are going to be in any conversation/contact/relationship with the N. They are soul vampires. They love to break you down and they won’t stop EVER. They are so empty inside, that they wont even shy away from taking last spec of your existence as their fill. I wish I cud be there for you and give u a hug and say that, its difficult, but its possible to move towards the path of healing. I have had a relationship where my N metally and emotionally abused me so much, that i forgot, how to have a normal relationship. I became snappy, irritable, defensive and grief struck, i carried a dark look wherever i went. ppl and friends around me started telling me how my sadness is on my face.

    Accept, that you were in an ABNORMAL RELATIONSHIP, and the abnormalitoes is hard to treart even in medical science.

    Rise up and tell yorself, you desrve a better life , Definately without him!, coz he is never changing.

    I wish you well. and would love to hear from u.


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